Awaken the superhero in you

January 22, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

A healthy spirit enables us to communicate with God and one another. Spiritually healthy couples can meet each other through their spirit being—not just their emotions and physical body. Your human spirit, when healthy and fully awake, connects with your mate and demonstrates empathy for them.

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That means your spirit can identify with your mate’s deep inner needs and actually feels what they feel. We become aware of our mate’s emotions beyond just our intellect. Being spiritually awake gives us the ability to know what he or she needs and how to meet the need without having to guess. Couples that are spiritually healthy can discern when their mate needs a hug; when they need to be left alone; and when it’s important to reach out and invade their space.

Sleeping spirits and hurting hearts

Couples with slumbering spirits are relegated to guessing what’s right to do and what’s not. Most of the time, they miss prime opportunities to communicate the kind of love for each other that will keep them together. The inability to connect with each other’s spirit (where true life and love stem from), is one of the major causes of divorce.

A husband’s slumbering spirit makes him selfish and self-centered, unable to connect with God and his mate as well. This husband thinks all is well, and he doesn’t understand why his wife is shutting down emotionally. He is disconnected from her heart because he is asleep spiritually.

A wife whose spirit is asleep might not recognize when her husband needs a word of encouragement instead of judgment. Therefore, she misses her opportunity to connect her love to his. We pay a lot of attention to the physical and emotional parts of us but very little to the spiritual.

Life that makes us one

Proverbs 4:23 says “Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.”

“Life” in this scripture refers to the God-kind of life that, when released in and through us, will bring the two of you into true oneness. As husband and wife, you will never reach true oneness unless you live your marriage out of a healthy spirit. True oneness is a place of joy, peace and fulfillment in your marriage. You can tell your spirit is slumbering when your love for one another is stale, stuck in the past or the romance/passion is gone.

Thankfully, there is something you both can do to revitalize your marriage and protect it from collapsing: Wake up your spirit. Here are a few suggestions.

How to awaken your spirit

1). Get out of denial and recognize that you need a new fire for your mate lit in your heart.

2). Recognize that you are a spirit, have a soul and live in a body. Ask God to forgive you for not nurturing your spirit. You nurture your spirit by feeding it the word of God and watching what enters your ear and eye gates.

3). Let your mate know that you desire a closer relationship with them. And whether they do or not, you will pursue oneness with your whole heart. That’s when your faith in God will be released in and through your spirit to remove the mountains of indifference and slumber in your spirit.

4). Don’t give up. God’s life will be pumped into your spirit as you reconnect with His Spirit through His word. You will begin to discern your mate’s needs and navigate through their mood swings. You’ll begin to meet them right where they are and connect with their hearts.

It won’t be long before your husband or wife is inspired to awaken their slumbering spirit. I will give you more tips in my next blog. God bless you and thank you for reading our blogs. I hope they are helpful. If they are, I would like to hear from you.

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Beautiful, glorious frustration

December 18, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

Yep, love is blind

Why is it that the very things we find so cute and endearing about someone we’re dating drive us up a wall once we say “I do?” I truly admired my future husband’s generous, I’ll-give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back character. People were always more important to him than things, and it amazed me how easily he gave. It was sweet until…

We got married, and he started giving away my things too! Things like my favorite Bible… the last kitten from the litter (one I wanted to keep)…. His answer always went something like… “But, Babe, you’ve got other Bibles, and you have mama cat. They fell in love with that kitten.”

After several years of this, I’d tease him on my way out to run errands. “We have 3 children, and I expect to find 3 when I get back. Do not give one away.” That was a lot of years ago and we laugh about it today, but way back then it was frustrating. (I’m sure my husband has more than his share of stories about how I drove him crazy, but this is my blog!)

God’s plan and our annoyance

Have you ever wondered why opposites attract? Why are we so different? Why couldn’t we spot this problem when we were dating? Does God get a chuckle out of putting such contrary personalities together?

It took me many years to realize that God, in His infinite wisdom, had a plan and purpose for pairing up opposites like us. He knew that our differences could be used as a tool to chip off each other’s rough edges; a tool to change and mature us into something better than we were… The people He created us to be.

Let’s face it, left to ourselves, we all think we’re just fine the way we are. It’s our mate that has issues and needs to change. So God uses marriage to help us work out our salvation—to show us what’s inside us that needs to go.

There’s good in the bad and ugly

Did you ever notice how your spouse has a way of bringing out the worst in you? They push all the right buttons that turn you into the ugliest version of yourself.

Marriage is such a deeply intimate relationship that our spouse sees and exposes the junk in us, the parts we work hard to keep hidden from everyone else. Marriage has a way of confronting our weaknesses, our emotional immaturity and transforming us in a way nothing else can. And we sure don’t appreciate that!

To receive all that God intended from marriage, we must be transparent and honest with Him, ourselves and our mate. We must give up our unrealistic expectations; set aside hurts and disappointments; crucify ugly attitudes, selfish and self-centered actions. God never intended marriage to be easy, but He did intend our differences and unmet needs to drive us closer to Him.

Oh, and to that man I married 54 years ago, I say “Thank you, Honey, for helping God chip away my rough edges.”

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If you work it—it will work

October 30, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

As you’ve heard me say before, a good marriage takes hard work. What you put into it is what you get out of it. Nevertheless, so many people are deceived into thinking Love is all you need. But they soon find out that love alone won’t keep them together.

You may have heard people complain (as they dial up their divorce attorney), “We just fell out of love.” Yes, a successful marriage does produce joy, fulfillment and happiness. But there’s one important principal that we accept in every other area of life except our marriages: Success requires hard work.

Smarter, not harder

Ask any accomplished person—a businessman, an athlete, an artist or anyone successful in their chosen field. They will tell you that they worked very hard to get where they are and continue to do so to maintain their success.

So let’s get this truth established once and for all. If you want a lasting, successful marriage that will leave a great legacy for the next generation to follow, you will have to work at it. Now, for some who read this blog, that statement will automatically turn you off. For others of us who are willing to put in the sweat equity to see our marriage succeed, here are some smart tips that will pay great dividends in the end. Working hard is good, but working smart is better.

If you want a lasting, successful marriage that leaves a great legacy for the next generation, you will have to work at it.

Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call 239.244.3912 or visit our website.

1. Listen to each other

Focus on the areas of your marriage that are the most needful first. For most couples, that’s the area of communication. So schedule at least one hour a week where you can give your undivided attention to one another, talking about hot button issues. Be intentional about the topics, giving your mate the first opportunity to share their heart. Listen with the intent of hearing your husband or wife’s heart cry. Then you share while they listen.

2. Empathize with each other

The key is to develop empathy for one another. Listen then speak without being judgmental, critical, or condemning. Agree beforehand that this will be a time of transparency. The purpose is not to give advice or counsel one another, but rather to listen to your mate’s heart. This will help you both to develop a greater ability to walk in God’s grace towards one another.

Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.” (AMP)

The purpose is not to give advice or counsel one another, but rather listen to your mate’s heart.

3. Pray for each other

Pray together once a week. This too will take planning. Pray for your mate’s needs and then conclude by praying a blessing over them. Yes, we should pray for each other more than once a week, but do so individually. Every day, take time to lift up your husband or wife in prayer. Keep a prayer journal with a list of needs they have as God shows them to you. That way, you can mark off each one as God answers your requests. Don’t allow a week to go by without doing that.

The Holy Spirit will help you

I know we are all busy. But this is more important than most of the things we put before our marriages. Learning to share does take work, but doesn’t everything that we want to be successful at? Working these few items into your marriage will bring great fruitfulness in a very short time. Start today, and trust the Holy Spirit to help you. It will work if you work it!

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Kick off a successful partnership

October 23, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

In my last blog post, I (Michele) shared all the benefits of having a regular date night and how much it will improve your marriage. Another discipline that Gaspar and I recently added to our weekly schedule is a marriage meeting. (We never suggest couples do something that we haven’t ﬁrst tried ourselves and ﬁnd valuable.)

So we’ve been having a weekly marriage meeting for a while now. And to be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without one. All I can say is, life in our household is running so much smoother.

To be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without [a marriage meeting].

I can already hear some of you saying, “That’s crazy, having a formal weekly meeting with my spouse. I don’t need to make life any more diﬃcult.”

My response: “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Think of it as investing time and energy in your marriage to keep it working well. We promise: If you give it a try, after a very short time, you’ll see the beneﬁts.

The business of marriage

Imagine if you and a partner were running a successful business. I’m sure you’d meet together at least once a week to discuss the goals and priorities for that week. Well you and your spouse are partners together in running a family business, your household, your ﬁnances, your children…. Isn’t that at least as important as running any company?

Until my husband and I started having weekly meetings, often we were going in opposite directions, which caused many frustrating issues.

What does a marriage meeting look like? We like to open our meeting in prayer, inviting the Holy Spirit’s Presence. You and your spouse are partners in this company, but God is the CEO.

A helpful meeting agenda

Our meeting consists of 5 parts: Appreciation, Catch-up questions, Chores, Good Times, and Problems and Challenges.

1. Appreciation

Each partner shares something they appreciate about the other person. Don’t skip this part thinking it’s silly. Appreciation is like a healing balm for a relationship. It heals hurts and softens diﬃcult issues. It starts the meeting oﬀ on a positive note.

2. Catch-up questions

Be sure and have your calendar with you. You’re going to be scheduling things you’ll have to write down. Some suggestions for questions: What brought you joy this week? What was diﬃcult for you this week? Is there anything I can do to help you this week? During this time you would discuss upcoming events that will take place between now and your next meeting. Also, review future dates on your calendar that might need extra planning like Birthdays, Holidays, out of town guests. This is also a good time to discuss work schedules, kids’ activities, church functions, appointments that need to be made and other commitments.

3. Chores

Chores and Finances: No one is looking for more work to do. But think of chores as tasks worth investing energy in to have a pleasant environment to live in. Discuss and agree on what needs to get done this week and who will do each task. It isn’t necessary to discuss chores that you’ve already established a routine for and are working well. Discuss chores and errands that aren’t getting done. Repairs that need to be made. Writing out a “to do” with speciﬁc deadlines is very helpful. Don’t demand your spouse do a certain chore.

Work at compromise. Remember, you’re on the same team. Strive to be ﬂexible, helpful, and reasonable. Of course, if one partner works outside the home and the other doesn’t, chore division will fall more, but not totally, on the stay-at-home partner.

Strive to be ﬂexible, helpful and reasonable.

Couples and Finances: If you and your spouse have an established plan for dealing with ﬁnances, then just a brief update on current bills, expenses, and savings can be discussed at this time. One of you might bring up a large expense like school tuition, or a needed major repair, and discuss how it will be paid. The topic of money is often emotionally charged because money often symbolizes control, power and security. If this is a sensitive topic in your marriage, it’s best to discuss it at the end during the Problems and Challenges part of your meeting.

4. Good Times

Planning for Good Times: This is a fun section. In this part of the meeting, you make plans for your Date Night. Remember, even if you’re busy or feel you can’t aﬀord a night out, you can always plan a romantic at-home date. Family fun time is also important. The family that plays together, stays together. It’s easy to talk about date night and family outings, but if you don’t decide on a speciﬁc activity and time and put it on your calendar, you’ll usually end up doing nothing. By intentionally making plans for couple and family times, you’ll end up with a lot more fun in your life.

5. Problems & Challenges

This is your opportunity to bring up anything on your mind that is an issue or problem. How you address this section of your meeting is critical. Approach it with kindness and a mindset to solve problems—not argue. Try to reach mutually agreed upon decisions. Don’t blame. Attack the problem, not each other. If you discover over time that you’re unable to resolve a conﬂict and it’s driving a wedge between you, seek help from your Pastor or a counselor.

Some tips for success:

Follow the recommended sequence: Appreciation, Catch-up questions/Calendar, Chores, Plan for Good Times, Problems and Challenges.
Bring your appointment book or calendar.
Keep meetings positive and upbeat.
Don’t meet when either of you are hungry or tired.
Don’t meet while eating a meal.
Meeting at home is best.
Don’t allow interruptions.
Schedule your next Marriage Meeting before your current meeting ends, unless you’ve already established a set day and time each week.

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It takes courage.

October 16, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Marriage, Relationship with God, Success & victory

Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. It requires two people to become one, and that takes a lot of hard work and commitment. Most of us were never taught line by line, principal by principal, how to live a happy and fulfilled marriage. Someone taught you how to ride a bicycle… how to drive a car…. operate a computer…. But very few of us learned how to live a happy, successful marriage.

Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart.

No perfect spouse

Nobody told us to expect trouble either—except God. Through the Apostle Paul, He warned, “Nevertheless [the married] will have trouble in the flesh” (1 Cor.7:28). We all have the idea that, once we find the perfect mate who fills our every need, we will live the dream! Of course, it doesn’t take long to realize that isn’t true at all!

The major problem stems from our faulty perception of the perfect mate. If you’re like me, you wanted somebody that loves the same things you love, does the same things you do, reacts the same way you react… so forth and so on. In truth, God puts us together with a partner opposite of ourselves. You have heard the old saying that opposites attract. Boy, is that true!

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But we don’t discover that fact right away. We call it the honeymoon stage—when our eyes are blinded to all our mate’s imperfections. During this period, our husband/wife can do no wrong in our eyes. It’s funny how what starts as little bumps in the road later grow into huge mountains! Little bumps like snoring, picking our teeth, leaving our clothes on the floor, forgetting to shower…. You get the picture.

Marriage is more about God fulfilling His plan in your life than it is about your happiness.

God’s master plan

Every couple experiences trouble in the flesh—and God designed it that way. Why? So that we would see our need for Him. Every married couple eventually comes to realize that a healthy, successful union will take more of God and less of us… and a lot of hard work. Marriage is God’s design. His plan is to mature us as His children and to teach us along the way what true happiness and fulfillment is. All things are possible with God (Matt. 19:26).

Unfortunately, too many people bail out of their marriage after the honeymoon stage is over and, therefore, never truly grow in their walk with God. They miss out on discovering who God is and who they really are.

Change requires a backbone

It takes courage to allow God to change us. Yet that is the journey every Christian walks every day. It is a journey of transforming into the image of Jesus. Marriage is more about God fulfilling His plan in our lives than it is about our happiness. In reality, the kind of happiness most of us seek is self-centered and selfish. As long as the relationship meets our every need and desire and doesn’t require us to change, we’re good with it! True happiness involves working through all our intricacies, dying to self and living for God.

Self-centered happiness won’t last because your mate is wired differently from you. You were brought up differently, given different values and beliefs; and that’s the way God planned it. It takes courage to hang in there and let Him blend us together. It calls for a continued willingness to die to our own desires and put our marriage first—before ourselves.

No experience in life works more effectively to build godly character than marriage.

The character builder

No experience in life works more effectively to build godly character than marriage. If you play it safe and stay single, you will only grow so much. Or you can take the challenge, draw on God’s courage and grow exponentially in your walk with Him.

Take an orange tree, put it in a small pot and bring it to New York where temperatures get well below freezing. Even if you keep it in your house, it will only grow so much because it’s not in its proper environment. But plant it outdoors in Florida, take care of it and you will have bushels full of oranges every year. The same is true with your life.

Are you planted in the right environment to grow the way God intended? Do you have the courage to get married, stay married and work at your marriage with God’s help? If so, you’re in a good position to reach the spiritual destiny God has for you. Growth takes courage.

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How to outlast storms and still stand

October 2, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Marriage, Relationship with God, Success & victory

There is one key that—not only holds marriages together, but—brings them into the fullness of God’s glory. That one key is comprised of at least five core values by which you both live married life. Values are those things that you have deep convictions about in your heart. Values are non-negotiable. They govern the direction your marriage takes and form its walls of protection.

Values are like the fence around your house. That fence defines, protects and identifies your house and its property. That’s what having at least five core values does for your marriage. Now we all have values individually but, most of the time, we don’t recognize them. These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day. Sadly, those same principles—when brought into your marriage—often cause conflict.

That one key is comprised of at least five core values by which you live married life.

Conflicting values

One spouse may place high value on their social life, and he or she pursues social interactions all the time. Meanwhile, the other mate values the opposite. They desire personal intimacy and that is their major focus. Both are good values, but they oppose each other and will eventually bring conflict in the marriage.

Couples need to decide what values are most important for their marriage, even if certain ones are unimportant to the other. The marriage needs to be the major focus and not our own selfish needs and desires. Remember there are three entities in a marriage: You, your spouse and your marriage itself. Ultimately, a couples’ decisions should always come down to what’s best for their marriage—not what’s best for either individual.

Define, define, define

So take the time to identify what your marriage values should be, and discuss them with your mate. Talk about whether or not those ideals are already in place and, if not, what you can do as a couple to build them in.

These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple.

Identifying your current values will help you to decide which ones to let go of and which ones to embrace. These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple. You will never reach that place of marriage wholeness unless you have at least 5 core values that become the foundation of your marriage.

A tale of two marriages

Matthew 7:24-27 describes two kinds of houses (we’ll say marriages). One marriage is built on a foundation of sand (having no defined core values). The other is built on a solid rock (having very well-defined values). Both couples face the same troubles in life, but the marriage without a strong foundation is destroyed. The one built on the rock survived the same storms that took the other one out, but didn’t collapse. Rather, that marriage stood firm in the midst of all the problems it faced.

Your values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection.

Let me suggest a few marriage values that you and your spouse might like to build upon. Though values are necessary for success, this list is by no means a guarantee for achieving success. Values must come from both of your hearts. These values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection. It is definitely worth taking the time to discover what those ideals need to be for you as a couple.

Suggested values

Loving God. This one is a no-brainer, and every marriage needs to stand on it as a foundational principle. Whenever you put God first, everything just seems to work out better—no matter what storms come. I believe that we really don’t have financial or relationship problems. We have lordship problems. But when both mates pursue God as the number one value, the best is yet to come—and always will be!
Honesty is another value I highly recommend. You could define honesty as a willingness to be transparent with one another without having to pay a price. Most marriages fail because of poor communication. However, if you both establish honesty as a marriage value, your communication level will increase exponentially.
Happiness is a core value I would NOT recommend. It sounds funny to say it, but if you make happiness a foundation for your marriage, you will be very disappointed… and your marriage will fail. Happiness is a fruit of having core values—but not a value itself. Yes, we all want happiness, but it will only result from a lot of hard work and living out our marriage values. If you read my blog from 2 weeks ago, you know that a good marriage requires self-sacrifice. But in the end, it will produce the fruit of happiness.

Can you name at least 3 more core values that you think should be added to a marriage? I would be interested in hearing from you.…