A lot of things can go wrong in marriage, but there is one sure solution to every problem we face: God’s love. It is the supernatural power of God that has been deposited in the heart of every born-again Christian. Then why are there so many divorces in the Church? Sad to say, but there are statistically as many divorces among us as there are among non-Christians.

God’s love sees only good

So what is the problem? For one thing, many of us aren’t living out of our spirit where God’s power dwells. Instead, we act and react primarily out of our soul (feelings and emotions). We get offended easily and are quick to build walls between us. Many of our marriages have become like the Dead Sea in Israel: totally stagnant and lifeless. The Dead Sea lets water in, but not out. So every living thing in it dies. Likewise, many Christian couples received God’s love shed abroad in their heart the moment they accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior. But they are not releasing His love to each other and, in many cases, their marriages are dying. 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

—Isaiah 55:9

Let me define this all-powerful agape love: It’s God’s love. Notice it’s, first of all, Father God’s love—not yours or mine. We don’t produce it, but we carry it in our born-again spirits.

Secondly, it’s supernatural in the sense that it is unconditional and unlimited. That means it is not determined by your mate’s behavior, responses and mistakes. Agape love only sees the good in your spouse and their God-given value. Agape love can’t be turned off.

God’s love heals

When released toward one another, agape love brings healing wherever needed. The word of God says His love, whenever applied, never fails to bring healing, unity, peace, forgiveness and wholeness to marriage. Remember, it can only flow from your born again spirit, which means we must be aware of living out our daily lives from our spirit not just our soul (feelings and emotions). 

This supernatural love is available to every Christian marriage. But, sadly, very few of us tap into it. One reason is that we don’t know we have it. But there is another more sinister reason we don’t love like God loves, and that’s selfishness. The husband and the wife each want their own way. We lose sight of God’s plan for us which is true oneness and unity, and which occur whenever we as a couple release God’s presence and power. However, many of us are willing to forgo this wonderful gift of unity just to have our own way. 

Many of us are willing to forgo this wonderful gift of unity just to have our own way.

God’s love is unbeatable

It does take crucifying our flesh, dying to our own ways and choosing God’s way. There is nothing that arises in your marriage that God’s love flowing through you can’t overcome. You must choose to be in touch with your spirit every day. And that can happen only by connecting with God by reading His word and praising Him daily. 

There is one other major factor to successfully walking in God’s agape love: Being baptized in the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit who sheds God’s love in our heart, and it is the Holy Spirit that empowers us to release His unconditional love to our mates every day. Loving someone unconditionally and continuously without the baptism of the Holy Spirit is like trying to put out a five-alarm fire with a bucket of water. By contrast, the baptism of the Holy Spirit is like a forceful stream of water from a high-powered hydrant. 

God’s love comes only from Him

You can’t produce the God-kind-of-love with your own willpower. Only the Holy Spirit can effectively release it through your life. You have it, but are you letting it flow every day? Or are you letting the little foxes spoil the vine of your marriage? Do you find that, instead of overcoming daily problems and enjoying each other, you’re steeped in bitterness… on the verge of separation… even divorce? 

Don’t live married single lives! Start tapping into God’s unconditional agape love. It will radically alter your attitude, behavior and even your desires when it comes to your marriage. It’s up to you, because God has given you the greatest power known to mankind, and that is His own love. Instead of fighting for your own way, choose HIS way.

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A setback is not a failure

I developed a saying over the years that you’ll hear me use often: “Don’t let your setback cause you to step back”. What I mean is: Just because a certain plan failed doesn’t mean your dreams failed.

Every marriage experiences setbacks from time to time. Sometimes, you as a couple will set goals, dreams and visions that fail miserably. That’s what I call a major setback, and I see too many couples give up at this point. Meanwhile, quitting is the failure—not the initial setback.

The fact that your plans failed doesn’t mean your dreams failed.

For instance, maybe together you decided to take quarterly time away as a couple/family. But because of unexpected circumstances, your plans fell apart. Or maybe you both agreed to put money aside each week for future investments. But one of you spent what you both agreed to save. Regardless of the disappointment, setbacks aren’t a signal to quit and give up on your dreams. 

Now prepare to succeed

Here are some pointers to help you both overcome the temptation to step back from your dreams and, instead, stay focused and hopeful. 

1). Be clear about your dreams and visions. One or both of you may not be convinced in your heart that this is what you really want to do or the direction to take. Sometimes we say “yes” just to avoid conflict. In other words, we’re not always honest about our feelings. Maybe that decision seemed great at the time, but you didn’t count the cost. You didn’t know what it would take to see it through. Your dreams and visions must become a burning passion inside both of your hearts. 

Your dreams and visions must become a burning passion inside both of your hearts.

A good idea or a GOD idea?

2). Be sure it’s what God wants for your marriage. There are three entities in marriage: you, your spouse and the marriage itself. Sometimes a certain choice isn’t convenient for one or the other spouse, but it is what’s best for the marriage. It might appear to be a great idea, but make sure it’s a God idea. As Michele said in her 2-part blog post “You, me and Him”, the point of couple’s devotions is to hear from God together—not just one of you. Yes, take the time to hear the heart of God individually, but wait until there is unity before planning strategies to accomplish your dreams and visions. 

Take the time to hear the heart of God individually. But wait until there is unity before planning strategies to accomplish your dreams and visions.

3). Be prepared for your enemy to test your marriage dreams and visions. Satan will always challenge your marriage destiny. However, your flesh can also get in the way, but it must be denied. In order for God’s dreams and visions to come to pass, you both have to live a disciplined life. So count the cost before you go forward. God doesn’t always change your challenges, but He will often change the both of you to meet those challenges. That’s what it means to live by faith. 

4). Finally above all, trust God—not your mate—to make it come to pass. Ultimately, only He can navigate our marriage safely through all of the land mines of life and bring it to its destiny. Remember this: Things aren’t always as they appear. Don’t make quick decisions based on your circumstances. That opens the door for the devil to convince you to step back from your marriage dreams and visions.

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Everything in life grows, changes, moves and matures according to seasons. This includes your marriage. Depending on the season your marriage is in, you can do things that you couldn’t do at other times. Once you understand this principal, you can find a place of peace and prosperity regardless of all the benefits and limitations of this present moment.

To everything, a season

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven” (AMP). In other words, if you are trying to accomplish something in your marriage and it isn’t the right season, your efforts will likely end in frustration and anger. For example, you want to increase intimacy with your spouse. Trying to force open that door will only delay the change you seek.

There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven..

Ecclesiastes. 3:1 (AMP)

Too often couples find themselves out of season with their desires, and they wind up living continually out of season. They dress for winter and feel its chill all their life; meanwhile spring, summer and fall come and go unnoticed. It takes a sensitive heart to know when the cycle changes.

The danger of offense

We can miss the changes that signal winter becoming spring if we let the spirit of offense rule our everyday married life. It’s easy to feel hurt when your mate doesn’t respond to your likes and desires. Then bitterness sets in when you try to force them to change against their will.

Bitterness can blind you to change. But it doesn’t have to. Ask God to forgive you for not recognizing the seasons of your marriage. Then commit to be on the alert for the periodic changes that signal the start of a new cycle. It’s possible to live your whole marriage out of season. It’s like trying to dance to a song you like but you have no rhythm, and you feel and look awkward.

We can miss the changes that signal winter becoming spring if we let the spirit of offense rule our everyday married life.

Like a beautiful dance, each marriage has its own rhythm. When you discover it, this rhythm will bring you both into a place of unity and wholeness. Here are a few signs to look for that signal the start of a new marriage season. However, realize that once the season begins to change, it’s up to you to enter it and do what you couldn’t do before.

Signs of change

1). Attitude changes. All of a sudden, you have a change of heart toward things that you once resisted or were set against. That’s one sign that your marriage is entering into a new cycle or season. 

2). Romance increases. One spouse becomes more attentive in touching, embracing and kissing for no special reason. That is another sure sign that your marriage is entering a new season.

3). Communication grows. When one spouse seeks to talk or openly share their thoughts and feelings more than ever before, this too signals a change in season.  

4). More time spent at home. Maybe your spouse stops avoiding being at home. Again, that’s a sure sign of a season change.

No, you can’t change the season of your marriage, but you can set the atmosphere for it.

Set the right atmosphere

There are many other signs of change to look for. But the most important thing to remember is your attitude. Your positive response to these signals is imperative in order to benefit from each new cycle of life. No, you can’t change the season of your marriage, but you can set the atmosphere for it.

Free your heart from any anger and bitterness toward your mate. Instead exhibit patience and have faith that God’s plan for your marriage will come to pass. And, if you have missed or misinterpreted previous cycles in your marriage because of things I mentioned earlier, don’t worry. Life is cyclical. Those seasons will come around again.

Whatever season your marriage is in right now, it’s always the right time to sow patience and understanding. Only then you will succeed in reaping true happiness.

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This month, Gaspar and I celebrate our 58th wedding anniversary. That’s quite a few years! It even amazes me… and I lived it! In my mind, I’m still that 19-year-old blushing bride, but I’ve learned a lot in those years. It seems like we always learn the most from the difficult times. And like most couples, we’ve had our share.

So what nuggets of wisdom have I gleaned over nearly six decades? Here are my top 10 ingredients for a successful marriage. They’re not in any particular order because I believe they all play an equally important role in a strong marriage.

Top 10 ingredients to a successful marriage

1. Demonstrate Unconditional Love and Forgiveness.
   I know that’s two things, but a big part of unconditional love is forgiving each other. Not one of us is perfect. We all sin and make mistakes. We all cause each other hurt and pain, from the smallest slights to the deepest wounds. Could we really eliminate either of these ingredients and still call ourselves a Christian couple? Both are commands from God for all believers.
   
   
2. Be Honest and Truthful.
   I can’t separate these two either. They’re a solid couple. Honesty involves a few key practices like never lying, never hiding the truth—or even purposely omitting it. Honesty in marriage means always telling your spouse the truth, even if they won’t like it. It builds a strong foundation for trust and, eventhough there are many ways besides dishonesty to break trust, honesty is key. Once trust has been broken, it’s a long hard road back to rebuilding it.
   
   
3. Never Use the “D” Word.
   When we were young, foolish and unsaved, I would threaten divorce often. It was so destructive to our marriage and brought us to the brink of breaking up several times. I didn’t realize that was a word of death I was confessing over our marriage. After we came to the Lord, we promised—no matter how angry we got—we’d never use the “D” word again…and we haven’t. Marriage is a commitment between you, your mate and God. When you’re going through a rough time turn to the Lord, listen to Him, and do what He says. I promise He’ll see you through every time.
   
   
4. Keep Intimacy Alive.
   Keep love alive with romance and physical intimacy. Both are so important to a healthy marriage. You’d be surprised how far a little romance will go toward strengthening your relationship. Tender touches, hugs, kisses and saying “I love you” every day will lead to even deeper, more gratifying intimacy.
   
   
5. Communicate Well.
   Communication is probably one of the biggest struggles in marriages. But it’s worth working through because it affects every other area. A big part of communication is being a good listener and taking time to understand what your spouse needs. Of course, there will be disagreements. You and your mate have different personalities and see things differently. But successful couples respect each other’s opinions and learn the art of compromise.
   
   
6. Get on the Same Team.
   You and your spouse have a common enemy—and it isn’t each other. His name is satan. Spiritual warfare in marriage is real. Satan wants to steal your joy and destroy your marriage. Even in the middle of a disagreement, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not your enemy. Remind each other that you’re on the same side. And unity—more than who’s right or wrong—is crucial.
   
   
7. Accept Each Other.
   Lack of acceptance is a major relationship killer. We marry our spouse because we love who they are, not who we can change them into. It’s not our responsibility to play Holy Spirit for them. If we’re not careful, we can slip into thinking “I know best” in every matter. To build a strong marriage, we must focus on how we can become more Christlike and entrust our spouse to the Lord.
   
   
8. Prioritize Couple’s Time.
   With work and family responsibilities, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner and take each other for granted. DON’T!!! We’ve said over and over how important it is to make time for just the two of you. Have a date night as often as you can, even if you can’t go out. Put the children to bed and plan a special evening for just the two of you. The most successful couples vouch for this and agree it’s been a life-saver for their marriage.
   
   
9. Encourage and Inspire.
   One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means to “inspire courage.” We all have areas and times in which we feel insecure. Your words can be a powerful tool to lift each other up and inspire the best in each other. Make this a practice: Look for one way to encourage the best in each other everyday.
   
   
10. Put God at the Center.
    In everything you do, put God at the center of your marriage. Invite His Presence into everything. Make time to pray together each day. It only takes a few minutes to ask God to bless and protect each other. Consistently attend church. Share what you received from the message. Sharing your insights helps the message to become a part of you and draws you closer spiritually. What an awesome role model and legacy to leave your children and grandchildren!
    

Whether you’re a newlywed or an oldie-wed like us, every marriage has its share of ups and downs: stress, poor communication, financial difficulties…. As we always say, marriage is hard work and, for Christian couples, the work is all about growing up and becoming more like Jesus. I pray the things I’ve shared with you today will help make your marriage even stronger.

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