Marriage should be the second highest priority in our lives as Christians. “What is my first priority?” you ask. That’s simple. It’s found in Mark 12:30: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.”

The second highest priority is found in verse 31: “And the second, like it, is this:‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” These two commandments—and notice they are commandments—represent the cross.

The geometry of the cross

The perpendicular beam of the cross represents our relationship and intimacy with God. The horizontal part corresponds to our relationship with our mate. Notice that our horizontal relationship between each other depends on our vertical connection to God. Both are important and necessary if we desire to please and serve God acceptably.

Unfortunately in today’s church, working at our marriages is given lower priority. Meanwhile church involvement, our careers and our own self-interests are encouraged moreso. No wonder there are so many troubled marriages today!

Yes, marriage is made in heaven—meaning, ordained by God—but it must be worked out here on earth. Notice I used the word “work” because that’s what it takes (and a lot of it) to not only have a good marriage, but just to stay married. So let’s talk about what kind of effort it will take once you decide to make your marriage priority #2. Below I list a few things that will improve your marriage, and you can both start as soon as you finish reading this blog.

How to build a better marriage

1. Realize that you are not each other’s enemy. When you fight your mate, you are fighting the wrong battle. You should be fighting for and not against each other. Often the Goliaths we need to confront are inside of us—not outside. Fear of rejection, anger, unforgiveness or even feeling put down and condemned—these are the real enemies that God is exposing. Once exposed, you can fight the right battle in Jesus. Notice that I didn’t mention satan. Even though he is our enemy he isn’t directly attacking us but through some of the open doors that i mentioned above.
2. Give and receive forgiveness. You have both made mistakes. But more than anything, humbling yourself in this way gives God permission to enter your relationship. Meanwhile, unforgiveness blocks His presence and gives satan greater access to create turmoil.
3. Pray for your marriage. Set aside time every day to agree together, even for just a few minutes. “Where two or three are gathered together God is in the midst of you”. What a great promise that is!
4. Lastly, hold each other in your arms. Embrace for just 30 seconds at various times during each day without saying anything. This simple act allows your spirit and your mate’s to connect in a very special way. Walls will come down, and God’s love will begin to flow supernaturally.

Now the challenge is to take these simple but profound steps, and put them into action—whether you feel like it or not. I am telling you that miracles will start happening in your marriage—even after just one week!

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please comment below.

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   This is great council!

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   I really need you lessons for marriage

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   I loved ready your story Michelle. Thank you for sharing.

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   Thank You Holy Spirit for bring us back to the cross.

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   Thank you for your understanding and unfailing love. You continue to prune us so we can continue to walk with…

One recurring theme in marriage books that I have read over the years involve sacrificing yourself for your mate. But after repeatedly trying it in my own marriage, I’ve concluded that the so-called experts are wrong about that. When God created you, He didn’t make junk. Our Lord designed you to be a gift to your mate—and He didn’t make a mistake.

Now I do understand that you and I are a work in progress, and the Holy Spirit helps us become more Christ-like in the way He created us. But changing into a cheap copy of someone else will not make your marriage better. In fact, if you never get to know and celebrate who you really are—the one God designed in His likeness and image—you will never excel in your marriage. Stop trying to be somebody else! Instead, work on becoming who God uniquely intended you to be. 

Discover the one-of-a-kind you

God is pleased with the you He created. In Genesis, at the end of the sixth day, “God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good! (Gen. 1:31, MSG)” He designed each of us to express different facets of Himself, because no one individual can reflect the fullness of our omnipotent God. Each of us reveals Him in very different ways.

When I sacrifice my unique self to be somebody else “for the sake of my marriage” — I limit God’s ability to reveal Himself in me and my marriage. Plus, I cheat my mate out of getting to know God-in-me better. Our differences allow us to experience His love, mercy, and grace in many ways. 

Instead of sacrificing yourself to please your partner, work to improve the true you. It’s hard to love somebody who doesn’t know who they are, because that person is putting all their energy into being somebody else. 

God is pleased with the you He created…. He reveals Himself in each of us in very different ways. 

As a couple, agree to stop believing the lie that you must become another person to make your marriage work. When you first met, your husband or wife fell in love with you—not a phony replica. So why not just accept each other the way you are? 

Yes, there is always room for improvement. And you should discuss what improvements will make the original you better.  But sacrificing the real you to improve your marriage is a lost cause. This pretense will only draw you further apart. Marriage was created to refine—not replace—the real you. 

Lose the fig leaf

Repenting and crucifying our flesh is not easy. So instead we may put on a fig leaf. But I encourage you to admit your faults and let the Holy Spirit transform you into an even better version of yourself. Agree with your partner once again to accept the authentic you with all your various idiosyncrasies. It will take a great burden off you both. It’s amazing how much pressure comes against us every day to conform to some other image. Do it long enough and we forget who we really are and why you first fell in love. 

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out…. God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:2 (MSG)

You fell in love with the real John, the real Pam, the real Angela or Derrick. But living together exposes all our hidden faults. Agree to work on those exposed faults and fall in love with your partner all over again. Rediscover what you love about each other. Point out the things that first turned you on. It could be a very romantic and exhilarating experience. 

Don’t let the devil’s lies make you settle for just getting along when you can make your marriage great! With God, it’s never too late! 

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As I was reading John 17 the other morning, Jesus is at the end of His earthly ministry. The cross looms before Him. It’s the last time He will be alone with His chosen 12. The words He shares aren’t for the whole world. They are for those who left everything to follow Him.

Over and over, Jesus speaks of His love for His disciples and how they are to love one another. Our Savior prays for Himself; He prays for His followers; He prays for those who were yet to believe—you and me. In verse 11, He prays for us to be one with each other just as He and the Father are one. Oneness is unity. Oneness is being like Christ.

I couldn’t help but think how this applies to marriage. I wondered, Do people see Jesus in my marriage? Multitudes have accepted Christ without ever reading a Bible or setting foot in a church, all because they’ve seen the reality of God in the lives of His children.

The point of trouble

Why is unity in Christian marriages so important? Because it has the ability to impact the world like nothing else. Believe me. People are watching—not only how we relate to each other, but—how we deal with everyday trials like big unexpected bills, inconsiderate family members, rebellious kids, a demanding boss, broken promises…. Funny isn’t it? 

Like me, you’ve probably thought If I didn’t have all these problems, I’d be able to serve God better, not realizing our Father uses those very difficulties to draw us closer to Him.

Just like Jesus, we’re here in this world to testify that God is real, that the change He makes in us is real. We can’t live this Christian life without the power of His Holy Spirit. We can’t have a strong, godly, loving marriage without the power of the Holy Spirit making us one in spirit. 

Did you ever wonder why marriage is so difficult at times? Why it’s sometimes easier to be nice to friends and acquaintances than to your spouse and family? It’s probably because your mate often makes life difficult for you. Yet it’s through your spouse and closest relationships that God draws you into oneness with Him and each other. 

Without the Holy Spirit, we can’t do it. We can’t keep loving unconditionally, keep forgiving and staying in unity in our own strength. Trials and difficulties keep pulling us back to the cross… (at least they are suppose to).

One thing God hates

While in the store the other day, I saw two mugs sold together. One said Mr. Right, and the other said Mrs. Always Right. It reminded me of how our marriage started out. We fell head-over-heels in love. Soon we were planning our wedding. I’m sure some friends or family warned us that marriage isn’t easy, that we would have big adjustments to make. But we tuned them out and tuned in to our song—“Happy Together” by the Turtles (stop laughing).

So maybe like us, you became man and wife. Eventually, you had your first big fight. Disillusionment set in. Maybe those friends and family knew what they were talking about. Marriage began to put demands on you, and you weren’t so sure it was worth it. You started to wonder, Maybe we’re not as compatible as I thought… (and that Turtle’s song was stupid anyway).

As I’ve shared before, Gaspar and I are total day-and-night opposites. Our opinions differ on everything. But, with the Holy Spirit, we’re in complete unity. Now being in unity doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything. We often agree to disagree and then totally support each other. 

By contrast, I used to think Gaspar had to agree with me on everything because, after all, I was Mrs. Always Right. And I had to prove it to him one way or another. Oh, how God hates dissension! He hates anything that breaks unity. 

He’s using your spouse

If He hates dissension, then why does God put opposites together? Because He expects your infuriating incompatibility to keep drawing you back to the cross, to die to self, die to pride, die to self-will, die to control and realize yet again you can’t have peace or unity in your marriage without the Holy Spirit.

If you’re married, rest assured that your spouse is one of the tools God will use to make you more like Jesus. So SMILE BIG… really big, and say, “God, will use my spouse to make me more like Jesus.” 

I can’t hear you! “God will use my spouse to make me more like Jesus.”

Remember John 17. Jesus Himself is praying for us to be one. And, friends, it doesn’t get any better than that!

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