Take your marriage to the next level

April 13, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

Marriage can be like an elevator, going up or going down quickly. One important variable that triggers this sudden rise and fall is our thought life. If you can get free in your mind and take control of your thoughts, you can change your marriage for the better in a very short time. I’m here to tell you: Discipline your thoughts, and you will take your marriage to the next level!

A deeper unity

The devil hates your marriage from the start, because a unified couple is his greatest threat. The Bible tells us that where two or three agree, God Himself shows up (Matt. 18:19-20). Satan greatly fears that, so he bombards us with negative thoughts almost every moment of the day. That’s why unity—even in how we think about each other—is crucial.

Unity involves more than a couple agreeing not to divorce. It’s more than sharing similar taste in food or clothes or homestyle. Superficial unity like that won’t hold the marriage together when storms hit. I’m talking about a deeper agreement that truly binds you together, making the two one. I’m talking about achieving oneness of mind and thought about each other and your marriage.

The Bible says where two or three agree, God Himself shows up.
Matthew 18:19-20

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Stop listening

Often we’re not even aware of the thoughts that are bombarding us moment by moment. And not every thought that passes through your mind is your thought. Too often, we listen to the devil’s messages about our mate. They come in unfiltered and unchecked; and these notions influence how we treat our husband or wife. Rather than God’s Eden, our mind can act as satan’s playground. When that happens, the elevator goes down swiftly.

We discipline our diet, our body, and any number of other things. Yet our mind, one of the most powerful life forces on earth, we let roam free. No matter how bad or good your marriage may be right now, your thinking is key to reaching the next level of joy and fulfillment. As a discipline, talk to yourself instead of listening to yourself. That’s how you push the up button.

Stop listening to yourself, and start talking to yourself instead.

Start talking

If you pay attention to what you’re thinking, it’s easy to discern where your thoughts originate and from whom. God wants your marriage to be successful, fulfilling and to re-present Him on this earth. Therefore, thoughts of kindness, empathy, forgiveness and unconditional love toward your mate proceed directly from Him.

Criticism, unforgiveness, hatred, jealousy, and condemnation all come from the devil. Every time you let such thoughts control how you view your mate, you push the down button on your union.

It’s time you stop listening to thoughts satan plants in your mind and tune in to the mind of Christ. Most importantly, speak God’s words to yourself. For a season, stop listening to yourself and start speaking instead. Discern what God is saying about you and your mate and speak His words; echo His sentiments.

Thoughts of kindness, empathy, forgiveness and unconditional love toward your mate come from God.

We all need to discipline our minds. And we do that by rejecting bad thoughts and choosing good thoughts instead. By doing that, you also declare war on satan. Filtering out demonic thinking and embracing God’s mind about your mate and marriage will immediately take your union upward.

So don’t let the devil push the down button on your marriage. Mark my words: If you guard your thoughts every day and check negative ones at the door, your elevator will rise quickly. Choose today! Make Jesus lord over your thoughts, and you’ll automatically take your marriage to the next level!

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Marriage pushes you into your destiny

December 9, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Marriage

I am a better pastor because of my marriage. As discussed in past blogs, we tend to marry our opposite. Michele and I are so different that, early in our marriage, we both thought we had missed God and married the wrong person. In fact, the reverse was true. We couldn’t have known it then but, looking back, both she and I see how we have grown in the Lord by staying together. Our marriage has made us better people.

Our marriage has made us better people.

Lessons learned

I would have never been the kind of pastor I am today if I hadn’t learned to be patient and understanding with my wife. I learned empathy by putting myself in her place and seeking to understand her needs. Marriage made me a good listener, helped me give good, godly counsel and show compassion.

It didn’t look like it at first, but God had a destiny for us individually and as a team. We were pushed into our destiny. Because we were so very different, we each needed to change just to make our marriage successful and pleasing to God.

So be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny as a couple. Left to yourself, shifting your personality and outlook on life would never happen. You would be stuck in a prison seeing yourself, your mate, and life itself through your own limited understanding.

Pushing is necessary. We get pushed into making right choices; pushed into surrounding ourselves with right people; and pushed into letting go of the wrong people (those no longer called to walk with us into our destiny).

Be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny.

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God’s creativity at work

Marriage is unique because It provides an atmosphere for God’s designs and plans to be accomplished in both your and your mate’s lives. Because of Michele’s and my differences, I recognized the value of reflecting and developing patience. For example, we were very dissimilar when it came to walking by faith and not by sight. Once I believe God is in something, I go for it immediately. Michele, on the other hand, is willing to wait as long as it takes for it to come to pass.

We learned that sometimes she was right, and sometimes I was right. We got pushed into trusting God more and more. Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding”. I have been pushed into trusting the Lord so much more than I ever have. Remember God is your designer and He will push you throughout life to have you conformed to the destiny he has planned for you from the beginning of time.

For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].
Ephesians 2:10, AMP

Ephesians. 2:10 says “We are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Instead of getting angry and bitter because you’re being forced to change because of your mate’s differences, thank the Lord for using those moments to push you into your God-given destiny.

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More fluent in love

December 2, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”. Since then, a number of spouses said to me they wish I had included specific suggestions for each one of the love languages.

Taking the time to learn what makes your spouse feel loved and then intentionally loving them in that way is a great gift. My first suggestion is, when you take the Love Language Quiz and get the results, spend some time discussing it together. (Just because you know your spouse’s love language doesn’t mean you’ll automatically know what they personally need to feel loved.)

Physical touch

When your spouse’s love language is physical touch, don’t think only of the act of love making. Physical touch includes so much more! Don’t let the day go by without touching them in a meaningful way. Some suggestions:

Cuddle in bed for a few minutes before getting up.
Always kiss hello and goodbye.
Hold hands often.
Give them a shoulder, neck or foot massage.
Cuddle while watching a movie together.
Hold hands and pray together.
Hug often.
Don’t forget at least one passionate kiss daily.
Put on some romantic music and dance together.
Cuddle before falling asleep.

Acts of service

For this love language, you’ll want to know what your spouse would like you to do. Acts of service require thought and effort. Some ideas:

Do a chore your spouse hates to do.
Ask what they need help with at the beginning of the week.
Respond to requests in a positive way rather than acting put off.
Make up a goody basket with their favorite treats.
Fill the car with gas.
Help prepare dinner or help clean up.
Make their coffee or tea in the morning.
Polish their shoes.
Make a coupon book of things you’ll do for them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert.

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Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy.

Quality time

The quality time love language centers around togetherness and giving your mate your undivided attention. Put your cell phone away. Shut down all electronics, and focus on your partner. When you do that, it touches their heart and makes them feel loved and important. Some suggestions to get you started:

Plan a special date night.
Take turns reading a book aloud together.
Go for coffee or ice cream and leave your phone in the car.
Cook dinner together.
Go for a walk around your neighborhood.
Start and end your day spending time talking.
Discuss and plan some marriage goals together.
Do a home project together.
Look for and start a hobby you’d both enjoy.
Once you make plans to do something, don’t cancel.

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation include so much. Kindness. Encouragement. Empathy. And seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. Think about what they would want to hear. For example:

“I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
“Thank you for all you do for me.”
“I admire the way you ______________.”
“I wouldn’t want to go through life without you.”
“No matter what happens, we’ll make it through this together.”
“I love every minute we’re together.”
“Thank you for being my best friend.”
“The best day of my life was the day I married you.”
“You make me feel safe.”
“You’re the best _____________ ever!”

Receiving gifts

Store-bought gifts aren’t the only way to speak this love language. And it’s not about how much you spend either. It’s the thought that goes into the gift. One wife told me her husband buys her gifts she doesn’t really want. Here’s a suggestion: If your spouse is trying to eat healthy and lose weight, a box of candy wouldn’t be the ideal gift. The gift should have special meaning to them. Always keep an eye out for things they’d love to be surprised with. Some ideas:

Place a small gift or love note in the bag they take to work or on a trip.
Listen for hints of things they love and make special occasions a big deal.
Give them a small gift every hour on the hour for their birthday.
Plan a surprise weekend getaway.
Fill a notebook with one thing you love about them every day for a year. Include pictures of the two of you.
Order a favorite childhood candy or snack.
Be willing to invest in something that matters to them.
After a trip, bring home a souvenir that made you think of them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert for no special reason.
Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy. Hope you find these ideas helpful! You can always discover more suggestions on the internet. Regardless, we’d love to hear how these love language tips worked out for you!

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Become fluent in love

November 18, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Twenty years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his bestseller “The Five Love Languages”. We read it back then and, over the years, have even taught the principles in our marriage groups. We found that Chapman’s insights are key to building intimacy and understanding in marriage. I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it.

The book explains five ways people give and receive love: 1. words of affirmation, 2. acts of service, 3. physical touch, 4. quality time, and 5. receiving gifts. Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one which, of course, complicates things. It’s as if you speak English and your spouse only understands Portuguese. Because you express your love for them in your language, they can’t understand or receive it.

Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one…

Commit to learning

My primary love language is words of affirmation, with acts of service running a close second. If Gaspar brings me flowers and candy, that’s nice. But they don’t touch my heart like him looking deep into my eyes and saying, “Michele, you’re amazing!”…and then helping me clean out the garage. Crazy right? But that’s what floats my boat.

So often in marriage, both partners feel a lack of intimacy. Each is frustrated that their needs aren’t being met. For instance, you can feel unloved even though your spouse thinks they’re lavishing affection on you. That’s because they are speaking their own love language, totally oblivious to yours.

Intimacy doesn’t come naturally. Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning. The better you know your partner’s likes, dislikes, desires, frustrations, joys, and love language, the deeper and closer your intimacy becomes.

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Intimacy takes time

Developing intimacy takes spending quality time together, sharing your hearts, your feelings, thoughts and needs with each other. It doesn’t happen amid texts and rushed conversations. Before long and without considerable effort, problems arise and rejection creeps in.

Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning.

Do everything you can to develop and protect the intimacy in your marriage. Putting in the work to better understand each other is the ultimate labor of love and will benefit every part of your relationship. I always want to share resources with you that have helped our marriage, and “The Five Love Languages” certainly has. We know and love each other better because of it. Thank you, Dr. Chapman.

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Don’t look back

October 28, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Marriage

Every day that God blesses you to be married is a gift. But if you are always looking back on yesterday’s failures, how can you fully enjoy this wonderful gift of God? Failure is not the biggest problem we face in life, but not understanding why we failed is. Not knowing will keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over, which leads to boredom and stagnation.

The great news is that your marriage has a purpose! But if you’re both going around and around like a ferris wheel, you’re not growing and fulfilling the purpose for which God brought you together. If you’re just going through the motions and the fire you once had has gone out, you’re not alone. But don’t worry or give up. Let’s talk about how to restart the fire and feel fulfilled again.

God didn’t make a mistake

Start by recognizing that God didn’t make a mistake by putting the two of you together. He knew that you were a world apart, and yet He brought you into each other’s lives by design. Accept your mate’s differences instead of trying to change them into a little version of you. That is a major first step in re-lighting the fire in your marriage.

In our early years of marriage, I tried to make Michele more like me—and she did the same thing. That didn’t work out so well. In fact, our efforts brought us to the brink of divorce. Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one. You need what your spouse has, and it’s something you could never attain alone.

Seeing your differences as a plus and not a minus, a blessing and not a curse, will revolutionize the way you look at your marriage. Just think: You never could have fulfilled God’s ultimate purpose for your life alone. You need your marriage partner, and he or she needs you. That revelation alone should radically change your view of your mate from one of resentment or annoyance to great appreciation and thankfulness.

God designed us so that we need someone different from ourselves or even completely opposite. Every day you both have an opportunity to fulfill God’s purpose: To change and be more Christ-like. You can thank your mate’s differences for helping you accomplish that.

Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one.

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Celebrate God’s gift

Instead of rejecting your better half and complaining about how much trouble they cause you, celebrate them by expressing your love to them and thanksgiving for them. No matter what they do or don’t do, focus on the fact that God designed them as a gift specially you.

So what! You’ve made mistakes along the way. Like I said, failing doesn’t make you a failure. The strongest, most successful couples you know experience moments of failure in marriage. Giving up is simply not an option, especially because we have Jesus living in us and the Holy Spirit empowering us to see our marriages correctly.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God. That might just cause you to repent and ask their forgiveness for the way you have treated them and taken him or her for granted. Remember, your marriage partner is your best asset to fulfill God’s plans and purposes for your life—something you couldn’t have done yourself.

So stop looking back and letting the devil tell you that your marriage was a mistake and your life is ruined because of it. Close the door on satan, and open the doorway of your mind to God. Now take hold of the precious gift God has given you, and love them with all your heart.

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Get used to different

September 30, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Make no mistake about it. Two becoming one, as the Bible defines marriage, takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. And, interestingly, God designs us to attract someone who is different from—and sometimes the exact opposite of—us. In fact, it’s usually their “differentness” that we find so attractive. The love of your life probably has personality attributes and behaviors that you admire and don’t possess yourself.

A strength and a stumbling block

One thing I always admired about my wife was her ability to clearly communicate and express her feelings about everything—especially what she liked and didn’t like. I, on the other hand, came from a family where children should be seen and not heard. So I never developed that skill.

Interestingly, the very things that attracted me to Michele were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success and happiness. Communication was just one of our many variances. At some point, we concluded that, if our marriage was to succeed, we had to find ways to work out our differences. Now, as we approach 56 years of marriage, this process is still at work!

The very things that attracted me were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success.

In truth, we wasted a good 10 years before we got serious about working at our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and my wife a whole lot of aggravation, pain and near-divorce. Have you discovered yet how you and your partner differ?

Many couples (too many) get divorced because they thought a trip to the altar would magically melt away all their problems. Why not, right? Our love should be more than enough. Others of us got married without a clue why. Oh, we thought we knew. But, in reality, we were attracted to their “differentness”. We admired the mystery—not knowing that these contrasts are a formula for trouble.

Bishop Gaspar & Michele Anastasi founded Breaking Free Wellness Center to bring Christ-centered Counseling and Coaching to our community. Visit BreakingFreeCC.com or call (239) 244-3912 for FREE Consultation.

A daily dose of discovery

In a prior blog, I compared marriage to an automobile that needs regular maintenance—daily, in the case of marriage. If you neglect it, it will eventually demand your attention and investment just to work properly. Get used to a daily routine of discovery—discovering each other’s contrasts, then making the appropriate changes to accommodate the peace, joy and happiness you desire.

YOU, yes you are to change to accommodate your husband or wife. That’s how oneness becomes a reality. When differences arise, you are NOT to do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you. God’s design is for us to work together, loving each other with His love and making changes to facilitate happiness and longevity.

When differences arise, you should NOT do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you.

Dealing with different

First, celebrate your partner’s differences. God made you dissimilar on purpose.
Next, make it clear that you are not trying to change them into a replica of you. Imagine two of you living together with all the same faults and behavior issues. It would be a disaster!
Finally, get a strategy you both agree on to work at your union. It could be:
- reading a book on marriage together a little bit every day, even taking turns reading to each other.
- praying together for each other every morning and meditating on the same scripture daily.
- Or you could do all of the above. It really wouldn’t take that long.

Get a vision to work toward

Marriage is a long-term investment. Plan to consistently work at it for the rest of your life. Your work will pay great dividends, and it won’t be long before you see results. There is one other step that I believe is mandatory in everybody’s marriage.

Begin setting goals for what you both want to accomplish in the next 6 months. After 6 months, review your list, checking off your achievements. Then set new goals for the next 6 months. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. Without a vision (for yourself or your marriage), you will fail, stagnate and eventually give up.

So, what are you waiting for? Start working at your marriage, even if your partner is not ready yet. Work on you. There is power in one. And, before long, your mate will join you. The best is still yet to come!

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Proverbs 29:18, KJV

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