Help for the struggling & ecstatically happy

March 26, 2022 Michele Anastasi

Finding direction, Marriage, Relationship with God, Success & victory

A couple in our marriage group asked me to recommend a book they could read together. Without a second thought I said “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. Yes, this is the book we named our couples mentorship class after. It’s an all-time favorite of both Gaspar and I. This book truly impacted our marriage when we were going through a rough time. Sacred Marriage is a must read for every couple—dating, engaged, married, struggling, ecstatically happy…. It’s for everyone.

You can find *Sacred Marriage* at Lifeway, Faith Gateway, Christianbook, Amazon and others. Even Audible if you’re more of a listener.

Sacred Marriage is very different from most marriage books. For one thing, it puts forth the idea that the challenges in marriage are meant to draw us closer to God and mature us spiritually. But for marriage to grow us spiritually, we must be brutally honest with ourselves and each other. We need to do some soul-searching and fess-up to bad attitudes, selfishness, and unrealistic expectations. We also must rid ourselves of the notion that if we could just change our spouse to be more like us and maybe learn a few marriage principles, everything would be just fine. Been there… done that… It doesn’t work.

When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness.

Why romance is not enough

Romance is not enough. Why? Because God created marriage for a much deeper purpose than romance. He designed marriage, as Thomas says, “to make us holy more than to make us happy.” God is using our earthly marriage to prepare us to be the Bride of Christ. Unfortunately, we’ve all been influenced by the Hollywood version of love, romance, and marriage. Yes, love and romance are important to a healthy marriage, but romantic love alone doesn’t have what it takes to get you through the challenges marriage brings.

When the honeymoon phase fades as it always does, some couples think their marriage is over, they divorce and try to find that exhilarating passion with someone new. Only to find that, in time, it fades again.

Other couples fall into an adversarial relationship—arguing, blaming each other for their unhappiness…. Instead of working together, they treat each other like enemies. Some couples become married singles, living a peaceful coexistence of separate lives. Determined couples that refuse to give up buy a copy of Sacred Marriage, read it together, get real, and get to work.

Why this mutual pursuit of Christ

This work has as much to do with your relationship with Christ as it does with each other. Only as we grow in Christ do we develop what it takes to grow deeper in our marriages. Marriage calls us to an extremely selfless way of life, impossible without Christ living big in us.

Just as Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden each day, we can find even more meaning in our marriage by pursuing Him together. Recognize that He alone can fill the emptiness in our souls. We can try to make our marriages as happy and fulfilling as possible, but what we both crave more than anything, only God can give us. When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness.

This might sound strange for a marriage book, but the ultimate purpose of Sacred Marriage is not to make you love your spouse more. But that will happen. Its purpose is to equip you to love your God more. And thankfully that will happen too.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.

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What I learned the last 55 years

March 12, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

Last month, Gaspar and I celebrated our 55th wedding anniversary. That’s quite a few years! It even amazes me… and I lived it! In my mind, I’m still that 19-year-old blushing bride, but I’ve learned a lot in those years. It seems like we always learn the most from the difficult times. And like most couples, we’ve had our share.

So what nuggets of wisdom have I gleaned over five decades? Here are my top 10 ingredients for a successful marriage. I didn’t put them in any particular order, because I believe they all play an equally important role in a strong marriage.

Top 10 ingredients to a successful marriage

Demonstrate Unconditional Love and Forgiveness.
I know that’s two things, but some of these ingredients just seem to go together. A big part of unconditional love is forgiving each other. Not one of us is perfect. We all sin and make mistakes. We all cause each other hurt and pain, from the smallest slights to the deepest wounds. Could we really eliminate either of these ingredients and still call ourselves a Christian couple? Both are commands from God for all believers.
Be Honest and Truthful.
I can’t separate these two either. They’re a solid couple. Honesty involves a few key practices like never lying, never hiding the truth—or even purposely omitting it. Honesty in marriage means always telling your spouse the truth, even if they won’t like it. It builds a strong foundation for trust and, eventhough there are many ways besides dishonesty to break trust, honesty is key. Once trust has been broken, it’s a long hard road back to rebuilding it.
Never Use the “D” Word.
When we were young, foolish and unsaved, I would threaten divorce often. It was so destructive to our marriage and brought us to the brink of breaking up several times. I didn’t realize that was a word of death I was confessing over our marriage. After we came to the Lord, we promised—no matter how angry we got—we’d never use the “D” word again…and we haven’t. Marriage is a commitment between you, your mate and God. When you’re going through a rough time turn to the Lord, listen to Him, and do what He says. I promise He’ll see you through every time.
Keep Intimacy Alive.
Keep love alive with romance and physical intimacy. Both are so important to a healthy marriage. You’d be surprised how far a little romance will go toward strengthening your relationship. Tender touches, hugs, kisses and saying “I love you” every day will lead to even deeper, more gratifying intimacy.
Communicate Well.
Communication is probably one of the biggest struggles in marriages. But it’s worth working through because it affects every other area. A big part of communication is being a good listener and taking time to understand what your spouse needs. Of course, there will be disagreements. You and your mate have different personalities and see things differently. But successful couples respect each other’s opinions and learn the art of compromise.
Get On the Same Team.
You and your spouse have a common enemy—and it isn’t each other. His name is satan. Spiritual warfare in marriage is real. Satan wants to steal your joy and destroy your marriage. Even in the middle of a disagreement, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not your enemy. Remind each other that you’re on the same side; and unity—more than who’s right or wrong—is crucial.
Accept Each Other.
Lack of acceptance is a major relationship killer. We marry our spouse because we love who they are, not who we can change them into. It’s not our responsibility to play Holy Spirit for them. If we’re not careful, we can slip into thinking “I know best” in every matter. To build a strong marriage, we must focus on how we can become more Christlike and entrust our spouse to the Lord.
Prioritize Couple’s Time.
With work and family responsibilities, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner and take each other for granted. DON’T!!! We’ve said over and over how important it is to make time for just the two of you. Have a Date Night as often as you can. Even if you can’t go out. Put the children to bed and plan a special evening for just the two of you. The most successful couples vouch for this and agree it’s been a life-saver for their marriage.
Encourage and Inspire.
One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means to “inspire courage.” We all have areas and times in which we feel insecure. Your words can be a powerful tool to lift each other up and inspire the best in each other. Make this a practice: Look for one way to encourage the best in each other everyday.
Put God at the Center.
In everything you do, put God at the center of your marriage. Invite His Presence into everything. Make time to pray together each day. It only takes a few minutes to ask God to bless and protect each other. Consistently attend church. Share what you received from the message. Sharing your insights helps the message to become a part of you and draws you closer spiritually. What an awesome role model and legacy to leave your children and grandchildren!

Whether you’re a newlywed or an oldie-wed like us, every marriage has its share of ups and downs: stress, poor communication, financial difficulties…. As we always say, marriage is hard work and, for Christian couples, the work is all about growing up and becoming more like Jesus. I pray the things I’ve shared with you today will help make your marriage even stronger.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.…

Watch out for the enemy you don’t see

March 5, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Michele and I just started a 10-week Sacred Marriage course dealing with what I believe is one of satan’s greatest tools to destroy marriages today. Stress. It’s a major reason people’s lives are cut short. We know that heart attacks, mental illness, suicide, and drug abuse result from living with high levels of stress. But let’s talk specifically about how it affects your marriage.

Hidden danger

Stress is present in everybody’s life, but it mostly goes unnoticed. We are so used to living with tension that, unless it reaches a breaking point, we don’t pay much attention. Meanwhile, stress quietly damages us individually and maritally.

Stress quietly damages us individually and maritally.

Think about it. We marry somebody who is our total opposite. Just the fact that females are completely different from males is enough to create stress. Now factor in the different cultures and belief systems we grew up with. Then add the many changes and adjustments required of us just to live in harmony together. That’s a HUGE amount of stress every day! Yet, you may not even detect it as the cause of your marriage troubles.

Good-Better — It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Wounded love

Stress affects our spirit from which God’s unconditional love flows. Pressure shuts down, wounds, or causes our spirit to fall asleep. The enduring love that God placed in us for our mate is then turned off. So that leaves us with only the human kind of love that is easily offended and withdrawn.

Most of the time, couples deal with the symptoms of their problems but rarely the roots. Marital stress results in bad attitudes, jealousy, criticism, unforgiveness and bitterness toward each other. We can sense the world closing in on us and feel our backs against the wall. These bad feelings lead us to make bad choices. Unfortunately, many effects of those unwise decisions can never be undone.

So what can couples do since stress has become part of our married lifestyle?

Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.
In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, and He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].
Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP)

To start the healing process:

Accept the man or woman you married. Make a conscious decision to stop trying to force your spouse to be what you want. Your husband or wife might not do everything right; but changing them is God’s job—not yours. That alone will immediately eliminate 50% of your stress. If God wanted another you, He would have created one. Trying to control your mate just causes more stress in the marriage and separation between the two of you.
Trust God to form your mate into the partner you need. In the meantime, love them unconditionally without compromising your own values. And watch what God can do! While Jesus slept in a boat on the stormy sea, His disciples stressed and feared they would die (Mark 4:35-41). But Jesus was resting in the will of God which was to take them to other side. Jesus trusted His Father’s heart concerning His destiny. Do you?
Find your resting place in God and your marriage. Jesus woke up and asked His disciples (in my words), “Why are you so stressed out? Where is your faith and trust in God for your life?” Your marriage may not be where you want it, but rest in God (Prov. 3:5-6). Our Father provided you with a resting place in Him; you need to find it. When you let stress push you to control your mate and the direction of your marriage, it opens the door for satan to divide and separate. Simply trust and believe that God is with you and that His promise for your marriage will come to pass. Rest alleviates stress.

Finally, get your hands off your marriage. Put yourself and your mate back in God’s hands. Remember “what God has put together (not you), let no man put asunder”.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.…

Hint: It makes the dream work

February 12, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

Today’s Blog might ruffle a few feathers, but here goes. Finances are one of the greatest areas of tension in marriage. In fact, most divorced couples list unresolved financial conflict as the primary reason for their marital breakup. So if you and your spouse have argued about money, you’re not alone.

Good communication is key to success with your finances, and the ideal time to discuss finances is before you marry. Unfortunately, most couples don’t. They think that because they’re in love, everything will just fall into place. But they find out all too quickly it doesn’t work that way. So if you’ve just muddled along and argued your way through one financial situation after another, now’s the time to talk. As they say, teamwork makes the dream work.

Open up about money

If you haven’t already, now is a good to share your financial background with each other: How you were raised… how your parents handled money… how they influenced you…. These conversations will give your spouse insight into how you view money.

One question always comes up when we’re counseling couples: “Is it okay to keep our money separate?” (Each having their own separate account and splitting up the household bills.) My husband and I don’t agree with this method and believe it only leads to problems down the road. Marriage is a partnership. It’s no longer “my money” and “your money.” The two become one, so it’s “our money.”

Be sure to agree ahead of time that there will be no arguing, blaming or bringing up past failures.

Two become one — It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

At this point, someone always complains: “But my spouse got us in debt awhile back and can’t be trusted with a joint account.” I can sympathize. Gaspar and I have had our share of financial mess-ups over the years. Some people are just naturally better with money than others, but honesty and trust are a must in all areas of marriage. A marriage is no place for secret accounts, clandestine credit cards or money stashed away. That’s deceitful and, if this describes you, it’s time to own up to the truth and begin working together toward financial trust.

It’s a good idea to have a monthly budget meeting. If you want unity in your finances, husband and wife need to work on them together.

Here’s a good place to start

If you’ve never worked with a budget before, here’s a good place to start. Take inventory of where your money is going. Write down every penny each of you spends over a one-month period and what it was spent on. After you have a list of spending and expenses, you’ll be able to see what adjustments need to be made and a budget set up that’s brought under the Lordship of Christ. It’s His perspective we want to live by.

You need to set aside a regular time each month where both of you discuss the budget for the upcoming month. Avoid having one partner creating the budget and the other just listening with no input. Remember the two become one—you’re a team.

It’s His perspective we want to live by.

A budget is a chance to set goals you both agree on. It’s also an opportunity to review the previous month. Be sure to agree ahead of time that there will be no arguing, blaming, or bringing up past failures. If you want your finances to be a blessing, you need to develop your plan together.

Surely, there’s more to marriage than just money, but if you want to have a healthy partnership with your spouse, you both need to be on the same page. You need each other’s insights and strengths, especially the ones you’re weaker in. Together, you make a great team.

Please leave a comment below. We love to hear from you!

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Maintaining a well oiled marriage

February 5, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

Without God at the center, a successful, prosperous marriage is impossible. His presence is the oil that makes everything run smoothly. His strength and courage help us keep on keeping on even when things seem impossible. Without His presence being manifested, we are left trying to have a happy marriage—guided only by our faults, limitations, and past failures.

Without His presence being manifested, we are left trying to have a happy marriage—guided only by our faults, limitations, and past failures.

You and I are like Adam and Eve who walked away from God’s presence after choosing to do things their own way. Right away, this first couple recognized their nakedness and tried to hide behind fig leaves. This represents the shame of living in sin and apart from God.

Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Time for an oil change

God’s presence is like the engine oil that constantly lubricates all the various moving parts of your car. You see, when we’re dating and during the honeymoon phase of marriage, there’s plenty of natural oil flowing to help us overlook each other’s faults. All our moving parts (our quirks and unique differences) just work together—even creating joy, happiness, and great expectations for the future.

Once the oil runs low, however, all we can see is each other’s faults and imperfections. At best, married life becomes a struggle. At worst, it comes to a grinding halt. That annoying, fault-filled person lying next to you is the same one you fell in love with. But over time, our fig leaves wear thin, and we start seeing each other the way we’ve always been—flawed.

So are you rubbing each other the wrong way, creating friction that makes a breakdown inevitable? Most of us check our car’s engine oil regularly because we value our automobile and fear the price of letting it run out. Well, your marriage is much more valuable than your car (or should be).

Over time, our fig leaves wear thin, and we start seeing each other the way we’ve always been—flawed.

Like I said before, the oil of God’s presence is key to the success of your marriage, and it’s available free of charge 24/7 to all of us who recognize Him as a necessity. You can stop your marriage from coming to a screeching halt. Pouring in fresh oil will give your relationship new life and stoke the motivation to go higher and fulfill God’s purpose as a couple. But just like your car, you must be aware and intentional about giving your marriage the regular maintenance it needs.

Schedule maintenance

Recognize your need for God’s presence. Just think about how quick you are to dwell on your mate’s faults and how easily they annoy you. That’s a sure sign you need a fresh oil change.
On purpose, fill your marriage with God’s anointing. Set aside time to thank and praise Him for who He is and for your mate. You can do this alone or together. Suddenly, the oil will start flowing, and it won’t be long before the honeymoon returns. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Put God first by praying together and attending a corporate gatheringwhere others value God’s oil in their lives. There’s just something special about getting filled with His presence corporately.
Keep a fresh supply on hand. Again, like your car, your marriage can die from friction. Fortunately, God’s oil is free and available. All you have to do is open up your heart and your marriage and invite Him in.

With God’s presence, nothing will be impossible for your marriage to overcome or accomplish. So why not add it today? It’s never too late to experience a revival in your relationship. In fact, 2022 could be your best year ever! Your children and everyone else in your sphere of influence will be blessed by it!…

Setting goals for the year ahead

January 29, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Back in August, I wrote a blog Understanding God’s plan for you and, in October, Kick off a successful partnership. Both talk about getting a vision and setting goals for a healthy marriage. So I ask: Have you started working on couple’s goals for 2022? We pray you won’t let the setback of the pandemic keep you from moving ahead in your relationship. I always feel like God has our attention at the beginning of a new year, getting us prepared for the season ahead. The new year presents a fresh opportunity to let go of some things and add others.

How we got started

Gaspar and I have been setting annual marriage goals for many years now. After our first year in ministry, we decided to set goals for the church. We made a five-year plan for every ministry, and God supernaturally accomplished it all—in two years instead of five. That’s what sold us on casting a vision, and we began applying the same principles to our personal lives.

Because goal-setting is a yearly event we both look forward to, it’s already on our calendars in December. We each take time in the weeks leading up to our planning date to consider some personal goals we want to put into our schedule.

marriage counseling/coaching — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Decisions, decisions

Marriage consists of so many decisions: Where do we invest our time… What needs immediate attention… Where should we spend our money… Once the two of you have set goals, decision-making becomes so much easier and keeps you both on the same page. Simply ask yourself, “Will this choice further our goals or hinder them?”

Once you have set goals, decision-making becomes much easier and it keeps you on the same page.

Before you even begin setting goals, take some time to talk about how you’d like the coming year to go. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on? Discuss:

how things went over the past year
what worked well, what didn’t
were there any problem areas?

We use our list of goals from the previous year to see what we’ve accomplished and what went by the wayside.

Set a time that’s good for both of you. If this is the first time you’re setting goals together, it may take more than one session. Get a notebook/paper, a calendar and decide what areas for which you want to set goals. Some of our top areas are: spiritual/ personal relationship with God, physical goals, classes we’re taking. We set these goals individually, and then we share them with each other.

Setting marriage goals

Marriage is always the first area we discuss. We communicate a lot in this area, since its ministry we share. So basically we just set goals for things we want to do and accomplish. Some of the goals we’ve set over the years were:

Read a marriage book together.
Schedule a weekly date night.
Have at least a 15-minute daily debrief sharing how our day went.
Work on a project together.
Read a couple’s devotional each morning.
Schedule a get-away.

Setting family goals

Our goal-setting in this area of family is a lot different now that we’re empty-nesters. It’s more about planning for family get-togethers, outings, birthdays, holidays. When the children were younger we set goals for family vacations, having a weekly fun night. Goals included teaching our teenagers various skills like how to change a tire, write a check, prepare a meal, etc.

Well, I think you’ve got the idea. We may all have different couple goals, but the important thing is to have some. They give you a track to run on. And, if you stick with it, you’ll be thrilled with the results of having a check-up every month or two. Any little accomplishment you make is progress.

Make this your number one goal

One other thing. After you set your goals, be sure to bring them before the Lord and commit the new year to Him. Be open throughout the year in case God wants to change you plans. Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?

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