Going back to go forward

September 23, 2023 Michele Anastasi

In our Sacred Marriage group, we hold a session we call Going Back to Go Forward. That’s because the childhood wounds and experiences of one or both partners often resurface in our marriage relationship. They certainly did in ours. In fact, it was our own brokenness that brought us into inner healing ministry. Way back then, there was very little information on healing damaged emotions. But we absorbed whatever we could find, and the Holy Spirit taught us the rest.

The past isn’t always behind us

One thing we came to realize is that our marital problems didn’t start at the altar. Our difficulties were rooted in childhood wounds that were never healed or dealt with. Our patterns of relating to each other were formed in those early experiences and the way our parents related to us and to each other.

We all lug around emotional baggage we aren’t aware of.

We tend to think that what happened to us in the past is just that—the past. Why should it affect us today? And why our marriage? The truth is: We all lug around emotional baggage that we aren’t even aware of.

Most everything we learn about life, we learn from our parents or whoever raised us. Their issues are automatically passed down and ingrained in us. If your parents didn’t live godly, committed lives, you probably weren’t exposed to the presence of God or taught His ways. Therefore, during our formative years, we learned how to cope and survive without Him.

Unrealistic expectations

In addition to emotional baggage, we bring into our union unrealistic expectations. Personally, I looked to my new husband to make up for everything my wounded childhood lacked. I thought if he loved me the right way, that would make me whole. We both desperately looked to each other like that. It took us years to learn that what we needed could only be found in Christ.

The thing is, when we come to Christ, no one pushes the “clear” button to wipe away all the negative defense mechanisms we acquired to protect ourselves—things like blame-shifting, denial, anger, shutting down, etc.

There’s a great quote by author Pete Scazzero: “Jesus is in your heart, but grandpa is still in your bones.” That means Jesus saves us the moment we come to Him, but we still have a lifetime of experiences to work through. That’s where transformation takes place.

Jesus is in your heart, but grandpa is still in your bones.
—Pete Scazzero

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Overcoming strongholds

Growing up, both our environment and experiences erect strongholds in our minds. This results in deep-set patterns of behavior that remain with us until they’re broken through prayer and then continually worked out by the renewing of our mind in God’s Word. The Apostle Paul tells us in Romans 12:2 that we must no longer be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…
Romans 12:2

Beyond the blame game

Please keep in mind: The goal in exposing and healing childhood wounds isn’t to blame our parents. They, no doubt, suffered from their own wounded pasts. There are many ways we can be wounded in childhood: The death of a parent, divorce, learning disabilities, chronic childhood illness, being bullied, being given too much responsibility, poverty, all sorts of abuse… Life is not easy.

The good news is God can heal any wound—no matter how deep or painful. He just needs us to be honest and transparent with Him; to own up to the struggles that hold us hostage. It’s through our brokenness that God can bring healing. As we learn to forgive each other and those who have hurt us, we enable God to step in and give us beauty for ashes.

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What’s time got to do with it?

September 16, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Relationship with God

God wants you to have a great marriage, but sometimes we work against His will. Truly, we talk about positive steps we can take to grow and strengthen our marriages. But rarely do we take note of the steps we make that destroy our marriage. So let me share a few very important ways couples cause their relationships to grow cold and even die.

By the way, you don’t have to be a non-Christian for these marital ills to work against you. We may think that going to church and reading our Bibles once in a while will make our marriages fireproof. That thinking only blinds us to the smoldering embers ready to ignite. When we enter into our marriage covenant, few of us see failure—quite the opposite. In our minds, we envision living happily ever after with the one who captured our heart… the one who chose us above all others. Right?

But somehow, we forget the steps that brought us to the altar in the first place—that place of true joy, happiness and fulfillment. Let me jog your memory and hopefully help you turn the ship around to fulfill the God-given dreams and expectations you both had.

Time with them

Remember how you used to make time for each other, no matter what? Even though you had a full-time job among many other demands and distractions, your girl/your guy was always your top priority. Remember the many sacrifices you made to safeguard those precious moments together? Above all others, they came first…

Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them.

Fast forward a few years and you let so many other things get in the way of what used to be non-negotiable. Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them. What happened? What changed?

Time with Him

We also get very lax in our relationship with God—personally and as a couple. Remember when you used to invest time praying for your future mate, never letting a day go by when you didn’t lift them up. We made sure God was the most important asset in our new life together.

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Sadly, our relationship with God is usually the first to take a hit when we get married. We stop seeking Him for ourselves and for our partner’s protection and peace. We also quit praying together for our marriage success. God gets put on the shelf even for the most important things in life.

This immediately opens the door for satan. Of course, our enemy gets to work making us hurt each other through rejection, anger, bitterness, etc. Thus, the walls of protection begin to come down around us. Couples start to take each other’s love, acts of kindness and mercy for granted and even respond instead with sarcasm and condemnation.

Return to your first love

Thankfully, all of these things I mentioned can be reversed. Choose to get out of denial and admit that you have left your first love for God and your mate. No, these problems didn’t happen overnight, but they will likely continue to grow the longer we refuse to stop and take inventory. Look at how far your marriage has fallen from your original dreams and hopeful expectations. Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

By now, you may have given up trying to make your marriage work— much less make it better. You think the scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for too long. Failure is not a given; so the choice is yours. God didn’t create you to fail, nor to be hopeless.

Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

The Lord doesn’t lose

The Lord has never lost a battle. And, because He is with you, you are on the winning side.You can win the battle against indifference, lack of desire and the impulse to give up. Remember: What God has put together, let no man (and that includes you, your husband and your wife) put asunder. In other words, choose NOT to give up on your marriage.

Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we start the climb back up, with God’s help. Of course, if you exchange the formula for disaster for the formula for success, you are bound to win. For your marriage to work, you both must choose the right priorities and the right principles.

As I said in the beginning, it is God’s will that you have a great marriage. But He leaves the choice up to you. Keep in mind that, at some future time, He will ask you what you did with His Word and with His Son Jesus. As a Christian, giving up is not an option because God has given you all the tools you need to succeed. Start your greatest comeback as a couple. God is with you!

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What exactly is godly submission?

September 9, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

We were in a small group of couples a few weeks ago when the topic of submission in marriage came up. It didn’t take long for sparks to fly. Every man and woman had a different opinion or story to share. Thankfully, my husband stepped in with God’s opinion and tempers began to cool down. We can argue with each other all day long, but no one in the group wanted to dispute the Word of God.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function. God holds every husband accountable for the way his family is managed. Most of the husbands in our group didn’t come right out and say it, but they inferred that being the head of their home meant whatever they say is law.

Given authority vs earned authority

Godly headship involves not only “given” authority because God says the husband is the head, but it includes “earned” authority. The husband earns authority because of the quality of life and character he displays before his family.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love. The apostle Paul wrote “husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus loves us unconditionally. He didn’t say, “I’ll love you if you obey me and do everything I say.” No, His love is unconditional no matter how we respond to Him.

Jesus displayed His love for us by sacrificing His own life. When a husband puts his family first before his own needs and desires, he not only operates in his “given” authority, but he has earned their hearts as well. He has a family that wants to follow his lead out of love and respect.

Let me tell you…

Submission did not come easy to this strong-willed girl. The first time I heard about submission in marriage was shortly after I became a Christian, and I said to the sweet woman leading the Bible Study, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Well she wasn’t and neither were the scriptures she shared with me that day. She patiently dealt with my baby Christian rough edges.

She explained that my earthly marriage was to be a reflection of my relationship with Christ. It made me think how many times I fail to submit to Jesus—my perfect, loving Savior. How many times I choose not to trust Him and insist on doing things my way. Ouch! Believe me, submission was and still is a struggle at times, but God lovingly deals with my heart. I’m also blessed with a very patient husband who shows me much grace.

The truth is, when we refuse to submit to our husbands we’re really saying, “God, you clearly don’t have control here. Do you see what my husband is doing? This decision is a bad one, and You aren’t doing anything about it. I’ll just step in and help You until You have time to fix it.”

What does godly submission look like?

For wives…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

accepting bad behavior
allowing abuse or violence
giving sex on demand
allowing your husband to control your relationship with God or family

It does mean

showing your husband respect
building him up
honoring him
following him as he leads you in a Christlike way.

For husbands…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

forcing your wife to yield to your demands through control or intimidation.

It does mean

you lead with the same unconditional love, sacrifice and servanthood that Christ demonstrated.
like Christ, you give yourself in a way that makes her want to submit to your leading.

God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

Let’s not forget that submission in marriage is difficult for both husbands and wives, because we have a very real enemy who uses this topic to stir up hurt and negative feelings. Be patient and show each other grace. The benefits make it well worth the effort to keep at it. God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

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Why your marriage needs a vision

August 19, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Marriage

Many married couples never actually grow in oneness. Nor do they experience the true joy in marriage God intended. Why? They have no vision. Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” That literally means we “accomplish nothing nor have a real purpose in life.”

A vision acts like railroad tracks your life runs on.

Two become one — It’s never too late to make your marriage great! For marriage counseling or coaching, call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Together you have a purpose

A vision acts like railroad tracks that your life runs on. It provides stability, direction, a known destiny—and most importantly, it provides purpose. Without these elements, a marriage will be—at best—stuck in a rut… going around in circles. At its worst—headed for destruction and divorce.

Make no mistake: Every marriage has a God-given purpose. The vision is simply one of the ways God speaks to us about our purpose. He brought you together for a reason. The vision reveals the direction and steps you are to take to fulfill His reason or purpose.

Ways to envision

Thoughts, dreams, imaginations and visual downloads of things yet to come… These are all ways that God reveals His vision for you as a couple. Now these visions will often seem impossible. That’s normal. If it were possible without God, it wouldn’t be from God. The Almighty specializes in the impossible, but He needs our cooperation. Our part is to believe and act in faith for what He shows us.

Every marriage has a God-given purpose.

God always speaks the end from the beginning—showing us what our future could look like; giving you a vision for what it could be; and then encouraging you to act on the plan with Him by setting goals to get there. This requires you to spend time together praying and dreaming about what your marriage could be and, most importantly, what God truly wants it to be.

Gaspar & Michele's vision board — Gaspar & Michele’s vision board created during the 2021 marriage retreat

Create a vision board

A while back, Michele and I made up a vision board which expresses our envisioned destiny through pictures and words. We decided what we believed God wanted to accomplish through our marriage and then found pictures and words that expressed those God-inspired ideas. We then glued them on a large tag board so that we could keep God’s vision for our marriage before our eyes daily.

Remember, a vision is God’s road map that leads us to a chosen destination (a married life of success and fulfillment).

As you are faithful with what He shows you, God will increase your ability to hear and see even more of His destiny for you as a team.

Fight, fight, fight

However, know this: Our enemy satan will do everything he can to keep couples at odds with each other and distracted with a cluttered life, so that we don’t reach God’s destiny for us.

Fight through all those distractions. And set aside time to come together with the purpose of hearing from God. Make it a priority. This act of agreement helps Him to download His vision for your marriage.

Start where you are

You might not see very far in the beginning, but start anyway. As you are faithful with what He initially shows you, God will increase your ability to hear and see even more of His destiny for you as a team. Remember, it will take the both of you to hear clearly what God has planned for your marriage.

As you journey into getting God’s vision for your marriage, let us know how it worked out. What were some of the obstacles you encountered, and how did you overcome them? Michele and I look forward to hearing from you!

We love hearing from you! If this blog has blessed you, please comment below. …

When God speaks

August 12, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Faith, Marriage, Relationship with God

Years ago when I was into reading women’s magazines, there was a monthly article called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” I wasn’t a Christian at the time and didn’t realize that everything I needed to know about life and marriage could be found in the Bible.

I came to Christ when Gaspar and I separated after five long, painful years of arguing and making each other absolutely miserable. That’s when I turned to the Word of God to make sense of my life.

The first time I opened the Bible, my eyes fell on Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” I had felt so alone and abandoned, but suddenly it was like God was speaking directly to me. I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me.

That was the beginning of the Lord healing my heart, changing me from the inside out, and giving me the faith to believe for the restoration of my marriage. I was blessed to find a good church where I was loved and nurtured in the Word and surrounded by sisters-in-Christ who prayed for and encouraged me.

I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me.

What every marriage needs most

Your partner as top priority

Have you ever had a plant that you accidently ignored and forgot to water? Before long it shriveled up and died. The same thing can happen to a marriage. From my own experience and years of counseling hurting couples, I see many marriages falter because we put our relationship on the back burner. With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

Yours may be in a bad place right now because of neglect. To save or revive your marriage, you need to make your partner your top priority and give them some much-needed attention. The ingredients for a healthy, thriving marriage are time, touch, attention, appreciation, and affirmation. Whether your marriage is totally withered or barely breathing, it can be revived and restored!

Inner Healing — God is the Healer. Think of our amazing Counselors as His little helpers. Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

A date night on the calendar

When couples are married for a while, they begin to take each other for granted. They lose touch with their partner, and their connection is broken. So the first step (and I’ve said this in more than a few blogs) is to schedule a regular date night. And don’t let anything get in the way of keeping it. When you do this, it speaks volumes. It says that your marriage is a priority. Having a regular date night will help you to reconnect again.

Reconnecting takes time and effort. We give the couples in our Sacred Marriage group questions to talk about on their date night. They all agree that the questions stir up conversation that helps them feel more connected.

Positive vibes in the heart

Another hinderance in marriage is focusing on all our partner’s negative points. It’s an easy habit to fall into, and it consumes our thinking, which affects our attitude and actions.

Healthy marriages thrive because the couples give more attention to praise and appreciation. Sharing words of affirmation does wonders.When something good happens, take notice and tell your spouse. It doesn’t have to be huge; the point is to change how you relate to each other. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Outreach for help

When we marry, no one tells us how to make it work. No one teaches us how to be a good husband or wife. It’s no wonder most couples just muddle through until they hit a brick wall. Every marriage can use some help navigating rough patches. Thank God for Pastors, counselors, and marriage coaches. Their help can guide you through issues that seem insurmountable. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience.

Up-reach to God

Even if your spouse has left or shows no interest in making things better, what’s stopping you from working on yourself? You become the person and spouse God wants you to be! When someone asks me, “Can I save my marriage alone?” I tell them, “You aren’t alone. God is with you and He’s on your side, fighting for your marriage.” When you change, everything around you will change. Working on who God created you to be can change your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Did I mention patience?

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience. You can’t do it in your own strength but, with God, all things are possible.

As you’re standing and believing for your marriage, don’t be discouraged. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Know that all the good seeds you’re planting will take time to sprout. Be patient and hold on to Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

God is speaking directly to you. Do you hear Him?

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Building blocks for a strong marriage (2)

August 7, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Here’s another important building block to a strong marriage—one that most couples would agree is essential, but very few have mastered. Communication. I doubt anyone would disagree with me about how crucial good communication is in marriage. In fact some might place it before other building blocks I listed in last week’s blog. But again, very few of us have conquered this challenge.

For some of us, our upbringing and poor role-modeling from our parents have hampered us. We bring their bad habits into our married lives and continue failing to relate well to each other. In fact, I believe the inability to communicate is responsible for most divorces today. Therefore, good communication must be a priority if we are going to see our marriages become successful.

5. Work to communicate.

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively. One mate is usually better at it than the other. This can cause a sense of inferiority and shame in the one who struggles to express themselves. So partners must both work together, patiently letting each speak what’s on their heart without fear of ridicule or condemnation.

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively.

In our marriage, I was the one who struggled to communicate. I grew up in a home where children were to be seen and not heard. So I learned to bottle up my emotions, unsure how to say what I really felt. My wife, on the other hand, was brought up differently and had no problem expressing her feelings to me. This created a lot of separation between us. Michele would always hound me to open up to her. But, until I got set free from my own sense of shame and inferiority, I would just shut down.

For those of you who struggle like I did, I highly recommend Stop Hurting Start Healing, so that God can bring inner healing in your life. As a result, I have seen many married partners receive healing in this area and excel in their marriage with good— if not great—levels of communication. So be patient with each other and recognize that your investment in learning to communicate well will pay great dividends.

God is the Healer. Think of our amazing Counselors as His little helpers. Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

6. Labor to love.

Another important building block is unconditional love. The name is self-explanatory and underlines the difference from all other kinds of love. Conditional love (though no one calls it that) has conditions, dependent on behavior, performance and often a time line.

The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way God does.

That’s why it takes God Himself in the Person of the Holy Spirit to love unconditionally. The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way that God does. Let me give you a brief description of how He sees us.

He calls us the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8) and views us with no fault, sin, bad attitudes, or destructive habit patterns (Hebrews 8:12) . He looks at you as His creation who is as valuable as He is, made with the same material (Genesis 1:26). That’s how we see our mates through eyes of unconditional love.

Yes, it takes the Holy Spirit in you to accomplish (Romans 5:5). But when you start treating each other that way, satan loses his power over you both. Why? The love of God is your greatest weapon against the devil.

It takes time and a labor of love to see these building blocks present and operational in your marriage. But it’s worth it. I know; I’m married 56 years and life is good!

We love hearing from you! If this blog has blessed you, please leave a comment below and let us know.…