Every good marriage starts with one

January 15, 2022 Michele Anastasi

Have you been waiting for your spouse to change? Praying for your spouse to change? Arguing with your spouse to change? Let me guess… you haven’t gotten anywhere.

Maybe it’s time for a new strategy—a godly strategy. If you want your spouse to change, it’s a good idea to start by accepting them for who they are. When a person feels criticized and unappreciated, they dig their heels in and go into protection mode.

Happiness is a choice

Instead of arguing with and criticizing your spouse to change them, remind yourself of their positive qualities, the things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Believe it or not, they’re still that same person even if they’ve been hiding deep inside themself.

Old made new — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

In my last blog 2 weeks ago, I shared how changing your thinking has the power to change your marriage. When we improve our attitude and actions it makes all the difference in the world. Even when just one spouse alters their thinking and attitude, it can change their marriage for the better.

We look at the circumstances in our marriage and think they are what’s making us unhappy. The truth is it’s our attitude about the circumstances and how we choose to react to them that make us miserable. Happiness is a choice. Every day, you and I choose whether to focus on what we like or don’t like about our marriage.

Ball’s in your court

Really, it’s all a matter of how you see things. For instance, the wife can see all her problems as the husband’s fault. The husband would say he shuts her out because she constantly nags him. She says she nags him because he constantly shuts her out. With this kind of thinking, nothing ever changes.

Every marriage has its share of trials. All couples face difficult situations. Yet situations don’t determine the quality of your marriage. Your response does. The choice is yours. Choosing patience and understanding is always a better option than bitterness and despair.

You have the power to create an atmosphere of peace and acceptance, regardless of how your spouse acts. It takes two people to escalate any disagreement. And an environment of negativity and tension is difficult on the entire family.

Be the one

Why not make the decision to step up and be the one to change? When you change the way you see things, the way you think, your attitudes, the way you respond will change for the better. You can do it. I know you can. Why not commit to making the following two changes in this coming New Year. Just between you and God.

Stop Complaining. It doesn’t change anything. Quite the opposite. Constant criticism destroys all feelings of love and affection between you. Instead, it provokes anger and defensiveness. A spouse who complains they aren’t getting what they want from their partner should stop and look at how often they disrespect and criticize their husband or wife. To see an immediate difference in your marriage, stop complaining and do the next thing.
Be Grateful. Showing gratitude transcends all circumstances. When was the last time you told your spouse you appreciate them? Happily married couples aren’t happy because the don’t have problems. We all do. They aren’t happy because they don’t argue. All couples do. What they do have is an attitude of gratitude for their spouse.

Couples with a positive outlook do much better than those who let negativity rule. We generally learn to be optimistic or pessimistic in childhood and carry it with us throughout life. You may not be able to change what happened in your past, but you can take steps to ensure a better tomorrow. You be the one to change.

If you need help, we offer help for troubled marriages. I invite you to contact us at the Breaking Free Wellness Center.

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Make room for new!

January 8, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Making positive change, Marriage

As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage.

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay.

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked.

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better.

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying.

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often, what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart that never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”.

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old.

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits.

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Think about such things

January 1, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Making positive change, Marriage

Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.

Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general—trying to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.

Dwell on the good

God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage.

Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.

Choose your narrative

Every marriage has two stories.

Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.

Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.

When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.

But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.

Change your thoughts

We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.

Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.

Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.

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Scars that speak

December 25, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Marriage

Michele and I will celebrate 55 years of marriage this coming February. And though there have been a lot of great times, we have had our share of hurt and suffering as well. Two becoming one takes a lot of God’s grace and hard work on both of our parts. Blending our lives together so that we can become a blessing to each other and the people we serve has been a great challenge and blessing.

We have become more aware of the power of the cross and more grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. Without His presence and power, we never would have been able to overcome the many obstacles our marriage faced. Living life always presents great challenges and opportunities to see ourselves the way God sees us and to see God for who He is. Each of us has learned to run to Jesus when our differences caused pain, rather than to take things into our own hands.

Out of our hands and into His

old and new — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

We’ve tried to fix our problems ourselves enough to know that doesn’t bring any real solutions. In fact, our efforts drive us back into a self-centered, selfish life. We have come to understand, with our Father’s help, that pain isn’t our enemy. Rather, it is His voice letting us know that there is a deeper issue at the root of our problems.

No, pain isn’t the main problem. Even though our words and actions sometimes cause hurt, the pain is just a symptom of something that goes deeper. It’s God’s way of saying you need to look deeper into yourself so that I could heal you at your core. When couples take their eyes off each other and stop blame-shifting and condemning each other, our Father is able to work on us personally.

It’s hard to admit that we are damaged goods and that we need to be repaired. It takes a willingness to admit that we are still under construction. God our creator is the only one Who can fix us and make us whole. He is the only One—not your mate, not yourself.

Fixing the foundation

Jesus not only died on the cross for our sins; He bore our sufferings. As a couple, knowing that should give us hope and strength to know “this too shall pass”.

In times of pain and suffering, we need to run to the cross—not our mate or somebody outside of our marriage. When Jesus resurrected, He still bore the scars in His hands and the wound in His side. Those injuries became His identifying marks. So we can relate to them.

Though he suffered the same hurts that we suffer, He also overcame them. That’s great news! It means we too can overcome our pain with His help. So run to the cross!

The scars on Jesus’ resurrected body say that He is committed to us long-term. He continues to restore and heal us. His scars tell us that He not only identifies with our sufferings, but He also participates in them. Here are some steps that have helped me in my personal times of pain.

Run to the cross

It required courage and determination on my part to face my own weaknesses and failures and not blame my wife. Jesus’ death and resurrection brought encouragement to me to “keep on keeping on”.
I had to make a conscious choice to run after the cross and make the way of the cross a lifestyle, accepting Father God’s unconditional love rather than denying it.
I chose not to take satan’s bait and believe his lie that God doesn’t really care; that it’s my problem to fix—not His.
I needed to confront myself by listening to the voice of my hurts and ask God to show me the real cause of my pain. I had to choose to take my eyes off my mate as the cause of my suffering and begin to look deep into myself with the help of the Holy Spirit. Most often we conceal the roots of our suffering and prolong the healing of our own lives and our marriage.
I chose to shut out all the other options the enemy provided. The road to hell is paved with many lies and selfish options that, if you accept them, will leave you worse off than when you started.
I reminded myself that happiness isn’t my main purpose in marriage. It’s holiness. Once I got that fact into my heart, true happiness became a fruit of my marriage. If happiness is your main goal in marriage, you will always avoid self-examination and godly change.

Make the cross the center of your marriage, and happiness will become its by-product. This new year, bring your marital hurts to the cross. Make that a goal. I did, and happiness and fulfilment have become a way of life for me.

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Beautiful, glorious frustration

December 18, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

Yep, love is blind

Why is it that the very things we find so cute and endearing about someone we’re dating drive us up a wall once we say “I do?” I truly admired my future husband’s generous, I’ll-give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back character. People were always more important to him than things, and it amazed me how easily he gave. It was sweet until…

We got married, and he started giving away my things too! Things like my favorite Bible… the last kitten from the litter (one I wanted to keep)…. His answer always went something like… “But, Babe, you’ve got other Bibles, and you have mama cat. They fell in love with that kitten.”

After several years of this, I’d tease him on my way out to run errands. “We have 3 children, and I expect to find 3 when I get back. Do not give one away.” That was a lot of years ago and we laugh about it today, but way back then it was frustrating. (I’m sure my husband has more than his share of stories about how I drove him crazy, but this is my blog!)

marriage counseling/coaching — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

God’s plan and our annoyance

Have you ever wondered why opposites attract? Why are we so different? Why couldn’t we spot this problem when we were dating? Does God get a chuckle out of putting such contrary personalities together?

It took me many years to realize that God, in His infinite wisdom, had a plan and purpose for pairing up opposites like us. He knew that our differences could be used as a tool to chip off each other’s rough edges; a tool to change and mature us into something better than we were… The people He created us to be.

Let’s face it, left to ourselves, we all think we’re just fine the way we are. It’s our mate that has issues and needs to change. So God uses marriage to help us work out our salvation—to show us what’s inside us that needs to go.

There’s good in the bad and ugly

Did you ever notice how your spouse has a way of bringing out the worst in you? They push all the right buttons that turn you into the ugliest version of yourself.

Marriage is such a deeply intimate relationship that our spouse sees and exposes the junk in us, the parts we work hard to keep hidden from everyone else. Marriage has a way of confronting our weaknesses, our emotional immaturity and transforming us in a way nothing else can. And we sure don’t appreciate that!

To receive all that God intended from marriage, we must be transparent and honest with Him, ourselves and our mate. We must give up our unrealistic expectations; set aside hurts and disappointments; crucify ugly attitudes, selfish and self-centered actions. God never intended marriage to be easy, but He did intend our differences and unmet needs to drive us closer to Him.

Oh, and to that man I married 54 years ago, I say “Thank you, Honey, for helping God chip away my rough edges.”

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It’s the little things that matter

December 11, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

My car was only two years old when I hit a pothole crossing the George Washington Bridge in New York. The vehicle immediately shut off, and my family and I were suddenly stranded on the side of the road. However, the problem wasn’t something big like the engine or transmission like I thought. A little pothole had caused a big jolt that tripped a tiny switch connected to the fuel line and sidelined my vehicle for hours—not to mention our family vacation. By design, this little safety feature shut off the entire engine to potentially prevent a fire.

In the same way, it’s often the little things that determine the course of our relationships. It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room from you or dreading coming home at all. I’m talking about small issues that could be fixed by a slight adjustment in our attitude… a tiny tweak in our actions… a minor modification in our mindset. Yet, we are so prone to focus on major stumbling blocks that we may overlook the tiny action that started it all.

Beware of little foxes

God tells us in Song of Songs 2:15 “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

According to the Lord, when we overlook seemingly insignificant issues, we set up our relationship for failure. And we unknowingly allow the same things to repeat themselves again and again. Just because something is not in your face at this moment doesn’t make it insignificant.

Little foxes are hidden weaknesses and character flaws that we all have. We may have successfully covered them up for years or maybe even a lifetime. They went undetected because our focus has always been on the current big problem.

A storm, high winds or even an unexpected cold snap can destroy in a moment a garden we’ve nurtured for years. Even so, these natural disasters may not do nearly the damage as tiny insects we can barely see. Are you letting pests devastate your precious vegetation while you stand guard against a hurricane? Ask the Lord to show you the little things.

Time for a recall?

Car companies test their vehicles for safety before they sell them on the market. Even so, every now and then manufacturers must recall a certain model. A little thing that went undetected or underestimated when the vehicle was built now creates great consequences for the driver or others on the road.

Our marriages are the same way. God is recalling many of us to fix issues that could cause our relationship to crash and burn. Going back to Solomon’s metaphor, what are the little foxes that are eating away at our intimacy and romance? What tiny thing has come between you and your mate and keeps them at odds with you? These little foxes may create big problems for us, but the solution may be surprisingly small. Ask your Father to show you and help you.

Take the keys

Just like the keys God gives us to His kingdom, the solution to your marriage problem may be something very small compared the doors it will open. God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. The question is: Will you let Him? Will you allow God to do a recall in your life? Or will you let pride keep you from submitting to His alterations?

How many people actually bring their car back to the dealership when they get a recall letter? Not many. Your marriage is more precious and important than any car. So take some time to reflect and hear God’s voice when you’re in the midst of what you consider a BIG problem. Ask Him to show you the little things. Something you consider insignificant; some slight adjustment or minor change may alter the course of your marriage for the better. Remember it’s the little things that matter.

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