It’s not what it looks like

September 18, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

Marriage, Relationship with God, Success & victory

A great marriage takes a lot of work. Too many people give up when the going gets tough. And by doing so, they miss out on the tremendous blessing that God has designed for them as a couple.

We hear a lot of negative things, especially today, about how bad it is being married. But you don’t hear very much about the good that a godly marriage produces in a person’s life. The problem is: We look at marriage through a wrong lens. It’s really not what it looks like.

What’s happiness got to do with it?

The same erroneous viewpoint that dominates the world today also dominates our marriages. This view tells us that the main goal of marriage is “happiness”. Happiness comes, and happiness goes. Therefore, starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster. It’s not that happiness is a bad thing, but it is dependent on so many other factors in the marriage going right.

Starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster.

Because we are two different people, we will invariably rub each other the wrong way. Happiness during those times is usually the last thing you will experience. But that doesn’t make your marriage a failure—not unless happiness was your main goal.

Discover a greater love

Call today for marriage counseling or coaching in person or via Zoom.

Working out our differences and resolving conflict in our marriage with the help of the Holy Spirit not only produces a greater love and respect for one another but, in the end, it bears the fruitfulness of happiness.

So happiness can come and go throughout years of marriage. That’s because of the need to develop oneness and spiritual growth in our lives and in our mutual bond. So maybe our definition of happiness needs to change, because it’s not what it looks.

Happiness in God’s eyes is two people learning to put Him in the center of their lives and union. It happens when, as a couple, we put the interest of our mate and our marriage before our own and gain the capacity to be selfless—not selfish.

Happiness is not what it looks like through our natural understanding: Me first and you second. The thinking that goes “As long as I am happy, then and only then do we have a good marriage—no matter how you feel”. That thinking is absolutely wrong. It even sounds kind of ridiculous but, honestly, that’s how most of us live. So how can we turn this around and line ourselves up with God’s concept of happiness?

The beauty of shared values

First of all, we need to decide what our values are and how necessary they are in our ability to enjoy a happy marriage. Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of us agreement with.

Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of you agreement with.

Let me list some of the values that are in our marriage.

Value #1: Our relationship with God is our top priority—not only individually but also—as a couple. So Michele and I pray together, study together, teach together, go to church together…. All these shared values produce a lot of happiness in our lives. Can you see how knowing and applying your values create boundaries in your marriage which produce the fruit of happiness?

Let’s talk about another value that Michele and I share that greatly enriches our marriage. It is the value of honoring one another.

Value #2: Honoring each other includes understanding our likes and dislikes, our interests, wants and needs. This value hinges on communication which brings us into a greater oneness with each other. And unity produces the fruit of happiness.

Again, notice how happiness isn’t the main goal, but living together with shared values produces a high level of happiness. Can you see that?

Define your shared values

What are your values? Can you list at least 3 that you and your spouse agree on and are striving to live out? What do you think it would take to change your focus from pursuing “happiness” to pursuing godly values as your road map to a successful marriage? What do you think is the greatest stumbling block to accomplishing that?

Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.…

Married to a stranger?

September 11, 2021 Michele Anastasi

0 Comment

Finding direction, Making positive change, Marriage

We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling.

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy?

Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very ﬁrst thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that have been built. Restore trust that has been lost.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of being married is learning about each other and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and ﬁnd ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more eﬀective communicator with your spouse?…

Priority number two

September 4, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

0 Comment

Marriage, Relationship with God

Marriage should be the second highest priority in our lives as Christians. “What is my first priority?” you ask. That’s simple. It’s found in Mark 12:30: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.”

The second highest priority is found in verse 31: “And the second, like it, is this:‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” These two commandments—and notice they are commandments—represent the cross.

Geometry of the cross

The perpendicular beam of the cross represents our relationship and intimacy with God. The horizontal part corresponds to our relationship with our mate. Notice that our horizontal relationship between each other depends on our vertical connection to God. Both are important and necessary if we desire to please and serve God acceptably.

Unfortunately in today’s church, working at our marriages is given lower priority. Meanwhile church involvement, our careers and our own self-interests are encouraged moreso. No wonder there are so many troubled marriages today!

Yes, marriage is made in heaven—meaning, ordained by God—but it must be worked out here on earth. Notice I used the word “work” because that’s what it takes (and a lot of it) to not only have a good marriage, but just to stay married. So let’s talk about what kind of effort it will take once you decide to make your marriage priority #2. Below I list a few things that will improve your marriage, and you can both start as soon as you finish reading this blog.

How to build a better marriage

Realize that you are not each other’s enemy. When you fight your mate, you are fighting the wrong battle. You should be fighting for and not against each other. Often the Goliaths we need to confront are inside of us—not outside. Fear of rejection, anger, unforgiveness or even feeling put down and condemned—these are the real enemies that God is exposing. Once exposed, you can fight the right battle in Jesus. Notice that I didn’t mention satan. Even though he is our enemy he isn’t directly attacking us but through some of the open doors that i mentioned above.
Give and receive forgiveness. You have both made mistakes. But more than anything, humbling yourself in this way gives God permission to enter your relationship. Meanwhile, unforgiveness blocks His presence and gives satan greater access to create turmoil.
Pray for your marriage. Set aside time every day to agree together, even for just a few minutes. “Where two or three are gathered together God is in the midst of you”. What a great promise that is!
Lastly, hold each other in your arms. Embrace for just 30 seconds at various times during each day without saying anything. This simple act allows your spirit and your mate’s to connect in a very special way. Walls will come down, and God’s love will begin to flow supernaturally.

Now the challenge is to take these simple but profound steps, and put them into action—whether you feel like it or not. I am telling you that miracles will start happening in your marriage—even after just one week! Send me your testimonies and I will announce them in my next blog.…

Who says it’s over?

August 28, 2021 Michele Anastasi

2 Comments

Marriage, Success & victory

After a few years of marriage, Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits! We went to a counselor who told us we were the two most incompatible people he had ever met, and we had two choices: Either divorce, or stay together and make each other miserable for the rest of our lives.

Wow! And we paid good money for that advice.

Today we’ve been married 54 years, no divorce. And, yes, we make each other miserable at times. Most couples do.

I think that’s why we have such a heart for marriages and have always made ministry to couples a big part of the church.

What is God’s opinion?

In over 40 years of ministry, we’ve had the opportunity to counsel many married couples, newlyweds, oldie-weds and everything in between. Unfortunately, like Gaspar and I, couples don’t usually come for counsel until they’ve just about given up on their marriage.

Every time we talk with a couple on the verge of divorce, I can’t help but think… One day these two were madly in love with each other. They couldn’t wait to say, “I do.” And now they can hardly stand being in the same room.

When couples reach the conclusion that they should have never married… It was a mistake… They need to just end it… that’s when I want to blow a whistle and say, “Time-out guys! Who said it’s a mistake?” Your feelings? Your best friend who thinks your husband’s a jerk? Or his mother who thinks you’re a terrible wife? Where’s my whistle!

Okay, before you pack your bags and call the attorney, let me ask you a question: “Does God think your marriage is a big mistake?”

Usually one of the them will say, “I don’t know, but I’m sure a loving God doesn’t want us to stay in this painful, miserable marriage.”

I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard various versions of that response.

I agree, God doesn’t enjoy seeing His children suffer. He hurts when we hurt, but that doesn’t mean He believes your marriage is a mistake. It means you’re unhappy (very unhappy) and you “feel” like your marriage is a mistake.

A lie many couples have bought into is: If they’re unhappy and suffering, they obviously married the wrong person.

A higher plan maybe?

Sometimes I’ll ask the wife if she suffered during childbirth? The answer is obvious.

To her husband, “Were you in the delivery room?” Most husband’s are nowadays. And most men admit they’ve never seen such tremendous pain and suffering.

Can you both agree the suffering was worth the end result? If you can accept that, then just maybe the pain you’re in right now isn’t proof that you married the wrong person.

The pain is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed in your marriage. That’s different from saying your marriage is a mistake.

C.S. Lewis said (and I paraphrase): “Pain is God’s megaphone. It gets our attention.” God may be using this difficult time to change and mature you. You may not realize it, but just maybe God has a higher plan, an unseen purpose for your marriage. And that’s why the enemy is trying so hard to destroy it.

When Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits because we were the two most incompatible people ever, little did we know that God had a bigger plan.

About five years later Gaspar was ordained, and Word of Life Ministries was born. Just a couple of years after that, the New Life Dream Centers were started. So many lives touched and changed! Was it worth the suffering and pain of our early years? Most definitely.

End of self, beginning of God

If you’re willing to take a step of faith and believe that God is bigger than your current problems, you may discover that He has so much more for you together. What seems like a big mistake may turn out to be a part of His master plan.

We usually ask couples to give us 6-8 weeks to pray and counsel with them. In cases where there’s been physical threats or abuse, separation is necessary–and much deeper counseling. Even when there is no abuse, some couples may benefit from a short period of separation for emotions to calm down, to stop arguing and saying things that make matters worse.

Fighting for your marriage may be the hardest thing you ever do. At some point you’ll probably feel like you can’t do it. When you come to the end of yourself you can come to the beginning of God. In Him all things in this world are held together. Let Him hold you and your marriage together.…

Unprecedented times, extraordinary opportunities

August 21, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

0 Comment

Finding direction, Marriage, Success & victory

We are living in unprecedented times. Things we once took for granted are no longer the same. Covid-19 has changed so many ways in which we live, especially our relationships. Gathering with friends and family used to be such a natural part of life. Now everything we do revolves around our health and concerns about catching or transmitting the virus.

Despite all of the fear generated by the news media and social media, this is actually an opportune time for our marriages to grow stronger and flourish. Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

It’s all good

ALL things work together for GOOD. Can you see that happening in this season—with less time spent apart and more time together? It is a great occasion to strengthen your marriage, especially if you are intentional about it. Couples now have the time to communicate honestly and transparently in areas where they may have neglected each other previously.

You might discover that you have put other things ahead of your husband or wife. Recognize that God is giving us this chance to rediscover our love for one another and the reason we married in the first place. Of course, you have to want a better marriage. Many of us have grown apart without really knowing it. Outside interests, career pressures and even other relationships have robbed time and interest that once belonged to our mate.

The primary relationship

The most important relationship you have in life is with God. The second is with your mate. By God’s grace, He is giving us pause to put things back in proper alignment with Himself and each other. See the good in this season and not just the bad.

Nothing ever catches God by surprise. Even though God didn’t cause this pandemic, He can and will use it for our benefit, if we look at life through His eyes.

Unprecedented happiness

God’s destiny for couples is a happy and fulfilled marriage. So let’s use this pause to make a plan, before life as usual takes over again. Here are a few things you can do to start the journey to happiness and fulfillment.

1. Talk about it. Discuss ways you could both work to make your marriage better. Be intentional about it, allowing honesty and transparency without judgment or criticism.

2. Act quickly. Put into motion right away the few concepts you agreed to in Number 1.

3. Ask forgiveness. Look at ways you have neglected your partner and take responsibility for your actions (or lack thereof). Don’t blame-shift. Make sure to truly forgive each other from your hearts.

4. Pray for revival. Join your hearts together in prayer to re-ignite the love you once shared.

Restored hope

Over time, couples can become calloused toward each other. The small steps above can start the process of melting your hardened hearts and restoring hope.

Remember you have God on your side, but the devil against you. GOD IS GREATER, so start praying now for His grace over your marriage. Then watch Him do great things through you. In these unprecedented times, expect extraordinary blessings. It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

We would love to hear what steps you agreed on to bring life back to your marriage! Please comment below.…

Understanding God’s plan for you

August 14, 2021 Michele Anastasi

7 Comments

Finding direction, Marriage, Success & victory

I had to laugh when a good friend read last week’s blog about Gaspar and me making a Vision Board. She said, “That’s fine for you ‘crafty’ people, but my husband and I aren’t the creative types.” Little did she know that the vision board we made was just one of the things we did at our annual Marriage Retreat in May. And 20 couples—both creative and non-creative types—had a blast doing it.

Gaspar & Michele’s vision board created during the 2021 marriage retreat

Maybe making a vision board isn’t your thing, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from coming up with a vision statement for your marriage.

Few couples ever think about their life vision or articulate it. In our society, life visions usually sound something like this: Get an education. Get a good job. Get married. Buy a house. Have children. Make more money. Buy a bigger house. Enjoy a nice retirement. These aren’t bad things to want and may very well be a part of God’s plan for you, but it’s not all He wants.

Wait, there’s more!

The Bible teaches us that we have a God who created each of us, then brought us together for a purpose—more than for just our own happiness. What would your marriage be like if you asked, “Father, what do you want our lives to accomplish for You?” Interesting thought, isn’t it?

Simply put, your life vision is what you’re living for, your ultimate purpose, what your life is all about. It can be summed up in one sentence, or it may be an entire page. The important thing is that it clearly states the purpose and goals of your life together.

Where to begin?

Talk

Start by talking about your mutual goals and dreams. I know, it can be a little difficult to be open about something so personal, even to a spouse. One partner may feel the other won’t understand or may be critical. But you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Pray

Finding A life vision obviously must involve prayer since we are seeking God’s plan for us. There are so many things that we can do and many things that need to be done. So we need God‘s guidance in what His plan is for us. Just ask Him and He’ll show you—maybe not the full plan all at once, but He’ll show you.

Write

There’s something about writing a life vision that solidifies it in you mind and lends it added importance. It also helps keep you on track when life gets hectic. Read it often and it will bring you back to your priorities and what you really want to spend your time on.

As you talk, pray and write, two questions may help:

1) Does this vision speak to who we are? (Does it fit our gifts and strengths?)

2) If we focus on these areas, will we feel that we’ve fulfilled our destiny? Your life vision starts out with who you are and the gifts and interests God has put in both of you. But it needs to end by benefiting and helping others.

Yours, mine and ours

You may be wondering, “How do we combine our interests when we have two very different calls?” Combining two life visions into one calls for creative give and take. It’s sort of a yours-mine-and-ours approach.

In our marriage, Gaspar does a wide variety of things in the ministry that I’m not involved in. Likewise, I do women’s ministry, Bible Studies and Life Coaching—things that he isn’t involved in. But then, together, we share this blog, our weekly marriage group, and marriage counseling and coaching.

Christian couples can make an impact in many places: Community programs, schools, businesses, hospitality, encouraging and, of course, the church, to name a few.

It’s bigger than you.

Studies have shown that one constant in the lives of couples with strong marriages is their mutual devotion to a cause or purpose beyond themselves. This was God’s original plan, and following His plans and principles will always lead to happiness and success.

If you would like more details on how to make a Vision Board or write a Vision Statement, just leave your request and email in the comment box, we’ll be happy to send it to you. …