As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better 

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage. 

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay. 

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked. 

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better. 

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying. 

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often,  what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!  

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart that never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”. 

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old. 

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits. 

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Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.

Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general—trying to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.

Dwell on the good

God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage. 

Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.

Choose your narrative

Every marriage has two stories.

Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.

Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.

When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.

But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.

Change your thoughts

We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.

Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.

Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.

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