Think about such things

January 1, 2022 Michele Anastasi

Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.

Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general—trying to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.

Dwell on the good

God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage.

Old made new — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.

Choose your narrative

Every marriage has two stories.

Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.

Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.

When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.

But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.

Change your thoughts

We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.

Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.

Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.

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It’s the little things that matter

December 11, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

My car was only two years old when I hit a pothole crossing the George Washington Bridge in New York. The vehicle immediately shut off, and my family and I were suddenly stranded on the side of the road. However, the problem wasn’t something big like the engine or transmission like I thought. A little pothole had caused a big jolt that tripped a tiny switch connected to the fuel line and sidelined my vehicle for hours—not to mention our family vacation. By design, this little safety feature shut off the entire engine to potentially prevent a fire.

In the same way, it’s often the little things that determine the course of our relationships. It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room from you or dreading coming home at all. I’m talking about small issues that could be fixed by a slight adjustment in our attitude… a tiny tweak in our actions… a minor modification in our mindset. Yet, we are so prone to focus on major stumbling blocks that we may overlook the tiny action that started it all.

marriage counseling/coaching — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Beware of little foxes

God tells us in Song of Songs 2:15 “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

According to the Lord, when we overlook seemingly insignificant issues, we set up our relationship for failure. And we unknowingly allow the same things to repeat themselves again and again. Just because something is not in your face at this moment doesn’t make it insignificant.

Little foxes are hidden weaknesses and character flaws that we all have. We may have successfully covered them up for years or maybe even a lifetime. They went undetected because our focus has always been on the current big problem.

A storm, high winds or even an unexpected cold snap can destroy in a moment a garden we’ve nurtured for years. Even so, these natural disasters may not do nearly the damage as tiny insects we can barely see. Are you letting pests devastate your precious vegetation while you stand guard against a hurricane? Ask the Lord to show you the little things.

Time for a recall?

Car companies test their vehicles for safety before they sell them on the market. Even so, every now and then manufacturers must recall a certain model. A little thing that went undetected or underestimated when the vehicle was built now creates great consequences for the driver or others on the road.

Our marriages are the same way. God is recalling many of us to fix issues that could cause our relationship to crash and burn. Going back to Solomon’s metaphor, what are the little foxes that are eating away at our intimacy and romance? What tiny thing has come between you and your mate and keeps them at odds with you? These little foxes may create big problems for us, but the solution may be surprisingly small. Ask your Father to show you and help you.

Take the keys

Just like the keys God gives us to His kingdom, the solution to your marriage problem may be something very small compared the doors it will open. God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. The question is: Will you let Him? Will you allow God to do a recall in your life? Or will you let pride keep you from submitting to His alterations?

How many people actually bring their car back to the dealership when they get a recall letter? Not many. Your marriage is more precious and important than any car. So take some time to reflect and hear God’s voice when you’re in the midst of what you consider a BIG problem. Ask Him to show you the little things. Something you consider insignificant; some slight adjustment or minor change may alter the course of your marriage for the better. Remember it’s the little things that matter.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

Too many attractive distractions?

October 9, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Family, Making positive change, Marriage

One of the topics we’re discussing in our Sacred Marriage class this session is “marriage disciplines” or “marriage priorities” that will help strengthen and grow your relationship. One of those priorities is having a regular date night.

I’m sure you’ve heard many times that date nights are important and valuable in marriage. Yet, you probably still don’t have one, right? We asked the couples in our class “Why?” Many said they were just “too busy to fit one more thing in” their schedule. When delving a little deeper, we saw that the couples were prioritizing their jobs, their children, church activities and just about everything else above their marriage!

When a couple is over-committed and under-connected, they begin to live their marriage in stress mode.

Schedule your priorities

Are you living with too many “attractive distractions” and “confused priorities”? The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule—but to schedule your priorities. When a couple is over-committed and under-connected, they begin to live their marriage in stress mode. This is not what God had in mind when he created marriage. So we gave the couples in Sacred Marriage an exercise to do. Why not try it yourself?

Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call 239.244.3912 or visit our website.

First, list in order the 5 top priorities in your life, things that take up most of your time.
Now re-order your list in a way that would honor your commitment to God in your marriage. Just a little hint: God should be number one, and your spouse should be number two.

Make a meaningful connection

The benefits you’ll receive from spending “couple time” together will far outweigh the benefits you receive from your over-scheduled calendar and taking each other for granted. Statistics show that couples who don’t have at least one mutually meaningful connection a week are at greater risk for divorce.

The benefits you’ll receive from spending “couple time” together will far outweigh those from your over-scheduled calendar…

Having a regular date night helps build communication. It gives you the opportunity to stay current with each other’s lives and continue to grow together. It’s the perfect chance to relax and take a break from the everyday daily grind. A time to draw closer together and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Here’s an advantage you may not have thought of. Going on dates is a great role model for your kids! It teaches them that the husband-and-wife relationship is important and separate from them. It was there before they were born and will be there long after they leave home to start their own lives. What an amazing gift to give your children!

It’s not the what but the why

Planning a date night doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s spending the time together that counts. And these mate dates don’t necessarily have to involve going out. We know that couples raising young children don’t always have a reliable sitter or finances. So get creative. One idea may be to put the children to bed and get your favorite take-out delivered. Light some candles, put on romantic music and simply enjoy each other’s company.

If you’re able to go out, make a list of fun activities you’d both enjoy. Maybe a picnic at the park, a concert, a flea market, browsing a bookstore, taking a day trip… (It’s important that you both contribute to the list). Now this is the fun part: Each of you, take turns choosing from the list and plan the date to surprise your partner.

So give it a try. Set up some weekly date nights with your spouse, get creative and most importantly: Enjoy!

We love to hear from you! Won’t you take a moment to comment below?…

Married to a stranger?

September 11, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Finding direction, Making positive change, Marriage

We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling.

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy?

Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very ﬁrst thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that have been built. Restore trust that has been lost.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of being married is learning about each other and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and ﬁnd ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more eﬀective communicator with your spouse?…

Why your marriage needs a vision

August 7, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Making positive change, Marriage

Many married couples never actually grow in oneness. Nor do they experience the true joy in marriage God intended. Why? They have no vision.

Proverbs 29:18 says where there is no vision my people perish. That literally means “my people accomplish nothing; nor have a real purpose in life.”

You have a purpose together

A vision acts like railroad tracks that your life runs on. It provides stability, direction, a known destiny and, most importantly, it provides purpose. Without these elements, a marriage will be—at best—stuck in a rut… going around in circles. At its worst—headed for destruction and divorce.

Make no mistake: Every marriage has a God-given purpose. The vision is simply one of the ways God speaks to us about our purpose. He brought you together for a reason. The vision reveals the direction and steps you are to take to fulfill His reason or purpose.

Ways to envision

Thoughts, dreams, imaginations and visual downloads of things yet to come… These are all ways that God reveals His vision for you as a couple. Now these visions will often seem impossible. That’s normal. If it were possible without God, it wouldn’t be from God. The Almighty specializes in the impossible, but He needs our cooperation. Our part is to believe and act in faith for what He shows us.

God always speaks the end from the beginning—showing us what our future could look like; giving you a vision for what it could be; and then encouraging you to act on the plan with Him by setting goals to get there. This requires you to spend time together praying and dreaming about what your marriage could be and, most importantly, what God truly wants it to be.

Create a vision board

A while back, Michele and I made up a vision board which expresses our envisioned destiny through pictures and words. We decided what we believed God wanted to accomplish through our marriage and then found pictures and words that expressed those God-inspired ideas. We then glued them on a large tag board so that we could keep God’s vision for our marriage before our eyes daily.

Remember, a vision is God’s road map that leads us to a chosen destination (a married life of success and fulfillment).

Fight, fight, fight

However, know this: Our enemy satan will do everything he can to keep couples at odds with each other and distracted with a cluttered life, so that we don’t reach God’s destiny for us.

Fight through all those distractions. And set aside time to come together with the purpose of hearing from God. Make it a priority. This act of agreement helps Him to download His vision for your marriage.

Start where you are

You might not see very far in the beginning, but start anyway. As you are faithful with what He initially shows you, God will increase your ability to hear and see even more of His destiny for you as a team. Remember, it will take the both of you to hear clearly what God has planned for your marriage.

As you journey into getting God’s vision for your marriage, let us know how it worked out. What were some of the obstacles you encountered, and how did you overcome them? Michele and I look forward to hearing from you!…

Your marriage wins with a good coach!

July 24, 2021 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Success & victory

We recently added Marriage Coaching to the services we offer at our Breaking Free Living Well Counseling Center. When I (Michele) received my certification as a Life Coach this past November, we realized life coaching is a perfect tool to assist people in learning how to live well, especially in marriage.

Of course, there’s nothing better than inner healing prayer and counseling. Why? It helps couples break free from past hurts and negative behaviors they brought into the marriage.

Miracles happen every day

We see miracles every day! Couples come in on the verge of divorce. Then, after receiving Stop Hurting Start Healing prayer and counseling, their hearts amazingly soften and change. Husband and wife develop a renewed desire to forgive each other and work at their marriage. It’s at this point that marriage coaching becomes so beneficial!

I (Gaspar) am also excited about the marriage coaching program we’re now offering. It’s the next step and follow-up for a couple who have gone through Stop Hurting Start Healing. In our sessions, Michele and I diagnose the couple’s problems, pray for inner healing, counsel them and prescribe solutions.

Go “all in”

Coaching facilitates conversations between couples and teaches them useful skills. That way, husbands and wives can use those learned skills outside of the coaching sessions to develop their own solutions. However, marriage coaching serves only couples who want to grow and change. These are husbands and wives who are willing to work the process together in order to accomplish something they both want.

The couple doesn’t have to come to the coaching session knowing exactly what changes they want to make. As coaches, we help them to clarify how they want to grow by asking insightful questions that can draw out their thoughts, feelings and desires. We then take them through exercises that help them communicate to each other what they want.

“We” wins

In time, couples start to focus on the “we” in their relationship. That’s one of the most important things that marriage coaching accomplishes. Husbands and wives emerge, no longer as two individuals just living for self. They become a team embarking on a journey to fulfill the purpose God has for them as a couple. And, make no mistake, God indeed has a plan for you and your marriage. Let’s discover it together! Sometimes winning takes a good coach.

If you are interested in getting coached personally or as a couple, please visit the Breaking Free Living Well Counseling Center website or call 239.244.3912. Feel free to share your thoughts below.…