Building blocks for a strong marriage (pt 1)

April 30, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

Finding direction, Making positive change, Marriage

When building a new house, we start with the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure turns out to be, without a good foundation, it will fall apart. I remember our first house had a problem with the foundation. Because it was built on unstable ground, it settled unevenly. The floors on one side of our new home were higher than the other. It was like climbing up or down a steep hill depending on what side you were on. As you can imagine, this imbalance in the physical structure created unneeded stress in our daily lives.

The same is true of marriage. When the foundation isn’t right, the rest of your union is negatively affected. That’s why the first building block for a successful marriage is a solid foundation. What makes a strong marriage foundation? First, you and your mate need to have the same values as a couple.

1. Establish godly values.

Many of us don’t think about our own values, much less our mate’s until well into the marriage. It’s after the honeymoon season is over that we begin to see our many differences. What’s important to one of you doesn’t matter to the other.

Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, align them with His values.

STRESS-EASE — It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! For marriage counseling, coaching and pre-marital counseling, call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

This difference in values many times creates imbalance in our relationship. When you notice these contrasts, make time to discuss them. Don’t try to overlook them and hope that they’ll work themselves out. They won’t. In fact, over time these value differences have the potential to destroy your marriage.

Godly values are essential to a solid marriage. Luke 6:48 compares those of us who hear God’s word and put it into practice to a wise builder: “They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built (NIV).”

What does it mean to dig deep? Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, make sure they line up with His values.

By the way, happiness should never be a marriage value, because you will always be disappointed. Happiness is a fruit that grows out of godly values within marriage. But remember: It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

2. Know who your enemy is.

Understand that satan will do everything he can to destroy your unity while remaining undetected. He dupes the husband and wife into thinking their mate is their enemy. So many couples remain blind to the spiritual warfare that they’re facing daily, and satan likes it that way.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Ephesians 6:12

The devil is like a chameleon blending in with its environment. Couples need to get the revelation that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).”

Recognizing your enemy is critical. Be smart. Discuss his strategies with each other and expose the tactics he is using against you.

MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE — It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy.

3. Commit to doing your part daily.

Marriage has a way of bringing out the best and worst in each other. And the tendency is to zero in on our mate’s failures while excusing our own. Couples could improve their marriage greatly if each partner simply took responsibility for their own failures and addressed them. Yes, it takes courage. But admitting your weaknesses and being willing to work on them will improve your marriage immensely! Be transparent with each other.

4. Don’t withhold affection.

Two becoming one involves a healthy sex life. An unhealthy one causes great damage; and satan works greatly in this area (1 Cor.7:5). It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy, and that requires a proper view of sex. However, we should never violate our mate’s conscience when it comes to sexual intimacy. There needs to be agreement on what our values are in this area. There’s much to talk about regarding this topic, but suffice it to say that sex within marriage is God’s will; and sex outside of marriage is a breach of our covenant with our mate and with Him.

What foundation is your marriage built on? What areas do you need to address and change? Remember, it takes courage to build your marriage on a godly foundation.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has blessed you, please leave a comment below and let us know.

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Sometimes it takes three

April 9, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

I had lunch with a dear friend last week, and she shared that she and her husband have separated. This isn’t the first time. They’ve been down this painful road before… but they keep trying because they really do love each other. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to live with. She assured me this time is the last, that the marriage is over. Even as she said it, we both knew it wasn’t. What she was really saying is “I want the pain to stop.”

The dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for.

How can something God Himself designed be surrounded by so much pain? God never instituted anything to make us miserable, so the problem must lie with us. And probably at the root of it is the fact that one or both of you have drifted away from your relationship with God.

Two become one — It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

More than a promise

Marriage is a covenant, which is much more than a promise. God’s plan is for marriage to last until death do you part. The covenant goes three ways—not just between you and your spouse, but—between you, your spouse, and God.

It’s no secret that Gaspar and I have been separated and on the verge of divorce a couple of times. So when I say the dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for, I speak from experience. You married each other because you were in love. Your heart’s desire was a marriage that made you both happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong, and what can you do to get it back?

Believe in resurrection

Your marriage can live again, but not without work. Some of you may be thinking like my friend, We’ve tried before… It won’t work. Or maybe you’re thinking I’m not even sure if I want this marriage anymore.

We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory.

Before I go any further, let me say: If there is any abuse at all in your marriage, separate immediately and don’t even think of reconciliation until the abusing spouse gets professional help.

For other marriages where sin makes staying together more damaging than being apart, a temporary separation might help. Keep in mind that the goal of separation is always reconciliation—not to go back to the way things were. The “way things were” contributed to where you are now.

Don’t go it alone

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get some counsel. Talk to your pastor or a qualified Christian marriage counselor and agree on a plan you’ll both work on. It’s fine if you meet separately for a time, but it’s critical for you both you to commit to regular counseling—even if you think you’ve done nothing wrong, and your spouse is the problem. You both need to learn new ways of relating to each other. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get counsel.

After a difficult season in your marriage, the peace and calm of living alone can feel wonderful. Don’t take that as a sign from God that you should divorce. See it for what it really is: a time of healing and growth. A time to draw closer to the Lord. A time to get into His Word and pray. A time where God can reveal areas of your life that you need to surrender to Him.

God wants to heal your marriage, but He also wants you to become more like Jesus in the process. We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory. He did it for us; He can do it for you.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.

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How to reap the right rewards

March 19, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Forgiveness, Making positive change, Marriage

When you were growing up, somebody taught you how to ride a bike and drive a car. But I bet they never showed you how to live happily ever after. Yet God desires that you and I live—not just a good marriage—but a GREAT one. And, fortunately, He hasn’t left it up to us to accomplish. He yearns to co-labor with you to make it happen… if you’ll let Him.

Even though as Christians we can access God’s help, we mostly go it alone. So after a while, some of us conclude that a successful marriage is a myth. But I have good news for you: A great marriage is not a pipe dream. It can be your reality!

A great marriage is not a pipe dream. It can be your reality!

An amazing spiritual law

God has set into motion the amazing spiritual law of sowing and reaping, which can radically change your relationship for the better. When applied the right way, the law of sowing and reaping guarantees marriage success. Misapply it and it could actually make your marriage worse.

Notice we sow first, then reap. Sowing requires giving something—whether words spoken or deeds done. Every time we sow we are assured a result. Of course, if you plant something bad or ungodly, you can expect the same in return. So mishandling the law works against you.

The law of sowing and reaping was meant for us to increase in peace, harmony, joy, love, romance, understanding and prosperity. But a failure to understand this law has caused catastrophic results for many married couples. So let’s get it straight today.

Bring your problems to the caring compassionate counselors and coaches at Breaking Free Wellness Center. We can help.

Fruit in action

Here’s how to use this law on purpose in a positive way. Let’s say you want your mate to show you more respect and honor than they presently do. Through your words and good deeds, you would start sowing seeds of respect and honor into your mate—whether or not they reciprocate. Now you have just planted seeds that God will water; and He guarantees that it will bring you a 30, 60, or 100-fold harvest of fruit, the same kind you sowed. Blessings of respect and honor will begin to flow out of your mate toward you.

Wow! It’s that simple with every good seed that we sow. God wants to co-labor with you in your marriage. Why not let Him by putting this spiritual law into practice on purpose in a positive way?

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
‑ Galatians 6:7

On the other hand, you may have been sowing negative seeds, unaware that this powerful spiritual law was at work. Now that you know, you can turn it around and work this law for the benefit of your marriage. Start right now planting love, peace, affection, encouragement and good deeds into your mate.

A due season harvest

Be patient. Whether your relationship is good or “borderline hopeless”, diligently apply God’s law, and in due season you will begin to see amazing results working in your marriage. With God nothing is impossible! Patiently sow good, and within a month’s time your marriage can become all that you dreamed.

Start by asking God to forgive you for sowing bad seeds like criticism, unforgiveness, bitterness, coldness, etc. into your mate in the past. With that kind of seed, your marriage can’t grow better, only worse.

Discover the power of one

All it takes is one of you to begin using this spiritual law the right way to turn your whole marriage around for the better. All the things you complain about, things your mate does or doesn’t do that irk you will turn around and become a blessing—in less than a month.

Why wait for your husband or wife to make the first move? Start sowing into your marriage right now! You’ll see the power of one that God has offered to you. He wants to co-labor with you in your marriage to bring true fulfillment for the both of you. It only takes one to start the process. Why not you? Why not now?

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.

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Watch out for the enemy you don’t see

March 5, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Michele and I just started a 10-week Sacred Marriage course dealing with what I believe is one of satan’s greatest tools to destroy marriages today. Stress. It’s a major reason people’s lives are cut short. We know that heart attacks, mental illness, suicide, and drug abuse result from living with high levels of stress. But let’s talk specifically about how it affects your marriage.

Hidden danger

Stress is present in everybody’s life, but it mostly goes unnoticed. We are so used to living with tension that, unless it reaches a breaking point, we don’t pay much attention. Meanwhile, stress quietly damages us individually and maritally.

Stress quietly damages us individually and maritally.

Think about it. We marry somebody who is our total opposite. Just the fact that females are completely different from males is enough to create stress. Now factor in the different cultures and belief systems we grew up with. Then add the many changes and adjustments required of us just to live in harmony together. That’s a HUGE amount of stress every day! Yet, you may not even detect it as the cause of your marriage troubles.

Good-Better — It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Wounded love

Stress affects our spirit from which God’s unconditional love flows. Pressure shuts down, wounds, or causes our spirit to fall asleep. The enduring love that God placed in us for our mate is then turned off. So that leaves us with only the human kind of love that is easily offended and withdrawn.

Most of the time, couples deal with the symptoms of their problems but rarely the roots. Marital stress results in bad attitudes, jealousy, criticism, unforgiveness and bitterness toward each other. We can sense the world closing in on us and feel our backs against the wall. These bad feelings lead us to make bad choices. Unfortunately, many effects of those unwise decisions can never be undone.

So what can couples do since stress has become part of our married lifestyle?

Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.
In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, and He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].
Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP)

To start the healing process:

Accept the man or woman you married. Make a conscious decision to stop trying to force your spouse to be what you want. Your husband or wife might not do everything right; but changing them is God’s job—not yours. That alone will immediately eliminate 50% of your stress. If God wanted another you, He would have created one. Trying to control your mate just causes more stress in the marriage and separation between the two of you.
Trust God to form your mate into the partner you need. In the meantime, love them unconditionally without compromising your own values. And watch what God can do! While Jesus slept in a boat on the stormy sea, His disciples stressed and feared they would die (Mark 4:35-41). But Jesus was resting in the will of God which was to take them to other side. Jesus trusted His Father’s heart concerning His destiny. Do you?
Find your resting place in God and your marriage. Jesus woke up and asked His disciples (in my words), “Why are you so stressed out? Where is your faith and trust in God for your life?” Your marriage may not be where you want it, but rest in God (Prov. 3:5-6). Our Father provided you with a resting place in Him; you need to find it. When you let stress push you to control your mate and the direction of your marriage, it opens the door for satan to divide and separate. Simply trust and believe that God is with you and that His promise for your marriage will come to pass. Rest alleviates stress.

Finally, get your hands off your marriage. Put yourself and your mate back in God’s hands. Remember “what God has put together (not you), let no man put asunder”.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.…

Setting goals for the year ahead

January 29, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Back in August, I wrote a blog Understanding God’s plan for you and, in October, Kick off a successful partnership. Both talk about getting a vision and setting goals for a healthy marriage. So I ask: Have you started working on couple’s goals for 2022? We pray you won’t let the setback of the pandemic keep you from moving ahead in your relationship. I always feel like God has our attention at the beginning of a new year, getting us prepared for the season ahead. The new year presents a fresh opportunity to let go of some things and add others.

How we got started

Gaspar and I have been setting annual marriage goals for many years now. After our first year in ministry, we decided to set goals for the church. We made a five-year plan for every ministry, and God supernaturally accomplished it all—in two years instead of five. That’s what sold us on casting a vision, and we began applying the same principles to our personal lives.

Because goal-setting is a yearly event we both look forward to, it’s already on our calendars in December. We each take time in the weeks leading up to our planning date to consider some personal goals we want to put into our schedule.

marriage counseling/coaching — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Decisions, decisions

Marriage consists of so many decisions: Where do we invest our time… What needs immediate attention… Where should we spend our money… Once the two of you have set goals, decision-making becomes so much easier and keeps you both on the same page. Simply ask yourself, “Will this choice further our goals or hinder them?”

Once you have set goals, decision-making becomes much easier and it keeps you on the same page.

Before you even begin setting goals, take some time to talk about how you’d like the coming year to go. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on? Discuss:

how things went over the past year
what worked well, what didn’t
were there any problem areas?

We use our list of goals from the previous year to see what we’ve accomplished and what went by the wayside.

Set a time that’s good for both of you. If this is the first time you’re setting goals together, it may take more than one session. Get a notebook/paper, a calendar and decide what areas for which you want to set goals. Some of our top areas are: spiritual/ personal relationship with God, physical goals, classes we’re taking. We set these goals individually, and then we share them with each other.

Setting marriage goals

Marriage is always the first area we discuss. We communicate a lot in this area, since its ministry we share. So basically we just set goals for things we want to do and accomplish. Some of the goals we’ve set over the years were:

Read a marriage book together.
Schedule a weekly date night.
Have at least a 15-minute daily debrief sharing how our day went.
Work on a project together.
Read a couple’s devotional each morning.
Schedule a get-away.

Setting family goals

Our goal-setting in this area of family is a lot different now that we’re empty-nesters. It’s more about planning for family get-togethers, outings, birthdays, holidays. When the children were younger we set goals for family vacations, having a weekly fun night. Goals included teaching our teenagers various skills like how to change a tire, write a check, prepare a meal, etc.

Well, I think you’ve got the idea. We may all have different couple goals, but the important thing is to have some. They give you a track to run on. And, if you stick with it, you’ll be thrilled with the results of having a check-up every month or two. Any little accomplishment you make is progress.

Make this your number one goal

One other thing. After you set your goals, be sure to bring them before the Lord and commit the new year to Him. Be open throughout the year in case God wants to change you plans. Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?

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Make room for new!

January 8, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Making positive change, Marriage

As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage.

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay.

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked.

Old made new — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better.

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying.

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often, what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart that never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”.

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old.

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…