Every good marriage starts with one

April 22, 2023 Michele Anastasi

Have you been waiting for your spouse to change… Praying for your spouse to change… Arguing with your spouse to change? Let me guess—you haven’t gotten anywhere.

Maybe it’s time for a new strategy—a godly strategy. If you want your spouse to change, start by accepting them for who they are. When a person feels criticized and unappreciated, they dig their heels in and go into protection mode.

Happiness is a choice

Instead of arguing with and criticizing your spouse to evoke change, remind yourself of their positive qualities, the things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Believe it or not, they’re still that same person, even if they’ve been hiding deep inside themself.

If you want your spouse to change, try accepting them where they are.

In my last blog 2 weeks ago, I shared how changing your thinking has the power to change your marriage. When we improve our attitude and actions it makes all the difference in the world. Even when just one spouse alters their thinking and attitude, it can change their marriage for the better.

We look at the circumstances in our marriage and think they are what’s making us unhappy. The truth is it’s our attitude about the circumstances and how we choose to react to them that make us miserable. Happiness is a choice. Every day, you and I choose whether to focus on what we like or don’t like about our marriage.

The ball’s in your court

Really, it’s all a matter of how you see things. For instance, the wife can see all her problems as the husband’s fault. The husband would say he shuts her out because she constantly nags him. She says she nags him because he constantly shuts her out. With this kind of thinking, nothing ever changes.

Situations don’t determine the quality of your marriage. Your response does.

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Every marriage has its share of trials. All couples face difficult situations. Yet situations don’t determine the quality of your marriage. Your response does. The choice is yours. Choosing patience and understanding is always a better option than bitterness and despair.

You have the power to create an atmosphere of peace and acceptance, regardless of how your spouse acts. It takes two people to escalate any disagreement. And an environment of negativity and tension is difficult on the entire family.

Be the one

Why not make the decision to step up and be the one to change? When you change the way you see things, the way you think, your attitudes, the way you respond will change for the better. You can do it. I know you can. Why not commit to making the following two changes this year? Just between you and God.

Stop Complaining. It doesn’t change anything. Quite the opposite. Constant criticism destroys all feelings of love and affection between you. Instead, it provokes anger and defensiveness. A spouse who complains they aren’t getting what they want from their partner should stop and look at how often they disrespect and criticize their husband or wife. To see an immediate difference in your marriage, stop complaining and do the next thing.
Be Grateful. Showing gratitude transcends all circumstances. When was the last time you told your spouse you appreciate them? Happily married couples aren’t happy because the don’t have problems. We all do. They aren’t happy because they don’t argue. All couples do. What they do have is an attitude of gratitude for their spouse.

Couples with a positive outlook do much better than those who let negativity rule. We generally learn to be optimistic or pessimistic in childhood and carry it with us throughout life. You may not be able to change what happened in your past, but you can take steps to ensure a better tomorrow. You be the one to change.

If you need help, we offer help for troubled marriages. I invite you to contact us at the Breaking Free Wellness Center.

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Make room for new!

April 15, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage.

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay.

For God to give you better, you have to make room for better.

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked.

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better.

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying.

Meekness is not a quality the world celebrates—only God. Let Breaking Free Counseling help you gain your spiritual inheritance in Him! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often, what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart. But they never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”.

It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage.

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old.

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits.

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It’s the little things…

March 18, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

My car was only two years old when I hit a pothole crossing the George Washington Bridge in New York. The vehicle immediately shut off, and my family and I were suddenly stranded on the side of the road. However, the problem wasn’t something big like the engine or transmission like I thought. A little pothole had caused a big jolt that tripped a tiny switch connected to the fuel line and sidelined my vehicle for hours—not to mention our family vacation. By design, this little safety feature shut off the entire engine to prevent a potential fire.

It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room or dreading coming home at all.

In the same way, it’s often the little things that determine the course of our relationships. It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room from you—or dreading coming home at all. I’m talking about small issues that could be fixed by a slight adjustment in our attitude… a tiny tweak in our actions… a minor modification in our mindset. Yet, we are so prone to focus on major stumbling blocks that we may overlook the tiny action that started it all.

Beware of little foxes

God tells us in Song of Songs 2:15 “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

According to the Lord, when we overlook seemingly insignificant issues, we set up our relationship for failure. And we unknowingly allow the same things to repeat themselves again and again. Just because something is not in your face at this moment doesn’t make it insignificant.

You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.
Song of Songs 2:15 (TPT)

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Little foxes are hidden weaknesses and character flaws that we all have. We may have successfully covered them up for years or maybe even a lifetime. They went undetected because our focus has always been on the current big problem.

A storm, high winds or even an unexpected cold snap can destroy in a moment a garden we’ve nurtured for years. Even so, these natural disasters may not do nearly the damage as tiny insects we can barely see. Are you letting pests devastate your precious vegetation while you stand guard against a hurricane? Ask the Lord to show you the little things.

Time for a recall?

Car companies test their vehicles for safety before they put them on the market. Even so, every now and then manufacturers must recall a certain model. A little thing that went undetected or underestimated when the vehicle was built now creates great consequences for the driver or others on the road.

Our marriages are the same way. God is recalling many of us to fix issues that could cause our relationship to crash and burn. Going back to Solomon’s metaphor, what are the little foxes that are eating away at our intimacy and romance? What tiny thing has come between you and your mate and keeps them at odds with you? These little foxes may create big problems for us, but the solution may be surprisingly small. Ask your Father to show you and help you.

God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. Will you let Him?

Take the keys

Just like the keys God gives us to His kingdom, the solution to your marriage problem may be something very small compared the doors it will open. God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. The question is: Will you let Him? Will you allow God to do a recall in your life? Or will you let pride keep you from submitting to His alterations?

How many people actually bring their car back to the dealership when they get a recall letter? Not many. Your marriage is more precious and important than any car. So take some time to reflect and hear God’s voice when you’re in the midst of what you consider a BIG problem. Ask Him to show you the little things. Something you consider insignificant; some slight adjustment or minor change may alter the course of your marriage for the better. Remember it’s the little things that matter.

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Get on the same team

August 13, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, unity in marriage

The enemy’s job is to divide and conquer, and he is pretty good at it. As married couples, it is our job to be vigilant and stand strong against satan’s tactics. Allowing him to divide us as husband and wife is one of the most damaging things that can happen in a marriage. Even when you and your mate disagree, that conflict should never leave the house and be presented before other people. Satan is always looking for an open door. He knows that a house divided against itself will fall (Luke 11:17).

Don’t go public

When I was young, our family owned a wholesale Italian bakery, and I worked with my father in the business. It was a large company, very popular in the New York area. One important lesson I learned—besides how to run a business and how to work hard—was the importance of maintaining unity in the partnership. My father’s partners were his four brothers.

Being brothers, from time to time, they would get into disagreements about how the business should be run. I remember one time my father and his older brother were really going at it. The argument got so heated, I thought it might get physical. But just at that moment when their voices were at the highest decibel, a stranger walked in uninvited and took my uncle’s side.

I’ll never forget it. At that moment, my uncle immediately stopped fighting my father and turned on the stranger. Even though the man was on my uncle’s side, my uncle wouldn’t let him divide family, no matter how mad he was at my father. That was the unwritten law among the Anastasi brothers. Even though they had differences among themselves, no outsider was allowed to come between them.

…Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.
— Luke 11:17

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Present a united front

My uncle’s response presents a valuable lesson for all married couples to embrace. No matter how bitterly you disagree, never let your differences be seen or heard outside of your home. Satan is always looking to divide you and, given the opportunity, he will enlist people to help him who have absolutely “no skin in the game”. Now I’m not suggesting that you ignore your differences, but rather always present a united front. You and your mate’s business is your business—no one else’s. When you solicit outsiders to take your side in marital conflicts, you invite the devil himself to war against your union. So many marriages are severely damaged by this very thing.

You might say, “Pastor, you don’t know how much I’m hurting.” Maybe not, but you won’t get your conflict resolved by inviting people in. We’re not fighting against flesh and blood, but against demonic forces that are absolutely opposed to your marriage and looking for ways to help it fail (Eph. 6:12). Let me be clear that I’m not talking about counseling with a professional. If your marriage needs counseling, please get it.

When you solicit outsiders to take your side in marital conflicts, you invite the devil himself to war against your union.

Let unity attract God

So fight the temptation to expose your problems to the outside world. Instead, be a faithful team member and, at all cost, don’t take your marriage problems public.

Presenting a united front, even when there is conflict behind the scenes, will release the presence of God in the situation. God is attracted to unity. Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team. The help that you need to resolve conflict and go deeper in unity won’t come from the natural realm, but the spiritual. Your help comes from the Holy Spirit Himself. You, your mate, and the Holy Spirit are all on the same team, and a three-fold chord is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
—Ecclesiastes 4:12, AMP

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Become fluent in love

August 6, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Twenty years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his bestseller “The Five Love Languages”. We read it back then and, over the years, have even taught the principles in our marriage groups. We found that Chapman’s insights are key to building intimacy and understanding in marriage. I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it.

The book explains five ways people give and receive love: 1. words of affirmation, 2. acts of service, 3. physical touch, 4. quality time, and 5. receiving gifts. Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one which, of course, complicates things. It’s as if you speak English and your spouse only understands Portuguese. Because you express your love for them in your language, they can’t understand or receive it.

Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one…

“We know and love each other better because of it.”

Commit to learning

My primary love language is words of affirmation, with acts of service running a close second. If Gaspar brings me flowers and candy, that’s nice. But they don’t touch my heart like him looking deep into my eyes and saying, “Michele, you’re amazing!”…and then helping me clean out the garage. Crazy right? But that’s what floats my boat.

So often in marriage, both partners feel a lack of intimacy. Each is frustrated that their needs aren’t being met. For instance, you can feel unloved even though your spouse thinks they’re lavishing affection on you. That’s because they are speaking their own love language, totally oblivious to yours.

Intimacy doesn’t come naturally. Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning. The better you know your partner’s likes, dislikes, desires, frustrations, joys, and love language, the deeper and closer your intimacy becomes.

Intimacy takes time

Developing intimacy takes spending quality time together, sharing your hearts, your feelings, thoughts and needs with each other. It doesn’t happen amid texts and rushed conversations. Before long and without considerable effort, problems arise and rejection creeps in.

Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning.

Do everything you can to develop and protect the intimacy in your marriage. Putting in the work to better understand each other is the ultimate labor of love and will benefit every part of your relationship. I always want to share resources with you that have helped our marriage, and “The Five Love Languages” certainly has. We know and love each other better because of it. Thank you, Dr. Chapman.

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Get used to different

July 2, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Make no mistake about it. Two becoming one, as the Bible defines marriage, takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. And, interestingly, God designs us to attract someone who is different from—and sometimes the exact opposite of—us. In fact, it’s usually their “differentness” that we find so attractive. The love of your life probably has personality attributes and behaviors that you admire and don’t possess yourself.

A strength and a stumbling block

One thing I always admired about my wife was her ability to clearly communicate and express her feelings about everything—especially what she liked and didn’t like. I, on the other hand, came from a family where children should be seen and not heard. So I never developed that skill.

Interestingly, the very things that attracted me to Michele were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success and happiness. Communication was just one of our many variances. At some point, we concluded that, if our marriage was to succeed, we had to find ways to work out our differences. Now, as we approach 56 years of marriage, this process is still at work!

The very things that attracted me were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success.

In truth, we wasted a good 10 years before we got serious about working at our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and my wife a whole lot of aggravation, pain and near-divorce. Have you discovered yet how you and your partner differ?

Many couples (too many) get divorced because they thought a trip to the altar would magically melt away all their problems. Why not, right? Our love should be more than enough. Others of us got married without a clue why. Oh, we thought we knew. But, in reality, we were attracted to their “differentness”. We admired the mystery—not knowing that these contrasts are a formula for trouble.

Bishop Gaspar & Michele Anastasi founded Breaking Free Wellness Center to bring Christ-centered Counseling and Coaching to our community. Visit BreakingFreeCC.com or call (239) 244-3912 for FREE Consultation.

A daily dose of discovery

In a prior blog, I compared marriage to an automobile that needs regular maintenance—daily, in the case of marriage. If you neglect it, it will eventually demand your attention and investment just to work properly. Get used to a daily routine of discovery—discovering each other’s contrasts, then making the appropriate changes to accommodate the peace, joy and happiness you desire.

YOU, yes you are to change to accommodate your husband or wife. That’s how oneness becomes a reality. When differences arise, you are NOT to do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you. God’s design is for us to work together, loving each other with His love and making changes to facilitate happiness and longevity.

When differences arise, you should NOT do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you.

Dealing with different

First, celebrate your partner’s differences. God made you dissimilar on purpose.
Next, make it clear that you are not trying to change them into a replica of you. Imagine two of you living together with all the same faults and behavior issues. It would be a disaster!
Finally, get a strategy you both agree on to work at your union. It could be:
- reading a book on marriage together a little bit every day, even taking turns reading to each other.
- praying together for each other every morning and meditating on the same scripture daily.
- Or you could do all of the above. It really wouldn’t take that long.

Get a vision to work toward

Marriage is a long-term investment. Plan to consistently work at it for the rest of your life. Your work will pay great dividends, and it won’t be long before you see results. There is one other step that I believe is mandatory in everybody’s marriage.

Begin setting goals for what you both want to accomplish in the next 6 months. After 6 months, review your list, checking off your achievements. Then set new goals for the next 6 months. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. Without a vision (for yourself or your marriage), you will fail, stagnate and eventually give up.

So, what are you waiting for? Start working at your marriage, even if your partner is not ready yet. Work on you. There is power in one. And, before long, your mate will join you. The best is still yet to come!

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Proverbs 29:18, KJV

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