We were in a small group of couples a few weeks ago when the topic of submission in marriage came up. It didn’t take long for sparks to fly. Every man and woman had a different opinion or story to share. Thankfully, my husband stepped in with God’s opinion and tempers began to cool down. We can argue with each other all day long, but no one in the group wanted to dispute the Word of God.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function. God holds every husband accountable for the way his family is managed. Most of the husbands in our group didn’t come right out and say it, but they inferred that being the head of their home meant whatever they say is law. 

Given authority vs earned authority

Godly headship involves not only “given” authority because God says the husband is the head, but it includes “earned” authority. The husband earns authority because of the quality of life and character he displays before his family.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love. The apostle Paul wrote “husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus loves us unconditionally. He didn’t say, “I’ll love you if you obey me and do everything I say.” No, His love is unconditional no matter how we respond to Him.

Jesus displayed His love for us by sacrificing His own life. When a husband puts his family first before his own needs and desires, he not only operates in his “given” authority, but he has earned their hearts as well. He has a family that wants to follow his lead out of love and respect.

Let me tell you…

Submission did not come easy to this strong-willed girl. The first time I heard about submission in marriage was shortly after I became a Christian, and I said to the sweet woman leading the Bible Study, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Well she wasn’t and neither were the scriptures she shared with me that day. She patiently dealt with my baby Christian rough edges.

She explained that my earthly marriage was to be a reflection of my relationship with Christ. It made me think how many times I fail to submit to Jesus—my perfect, loving Savior. How many times I choose not to trust Him and insist on doing things my way. Ouch! Believe me, submission was and still is a struggle at times, but God lovingly deals with my heart. I’m also blessed with a very patient husband who shows me much grace.

The truth is, when we refuse to submit to our husbands we’re really saying, “God, you clearly don’t have control here. Do you see what my husband is doing? This decision is a bad one, and You aren’t doing anything about it. I’ll just step in and help You until You have time to fix it.”

What does godly submission look like?

For wives…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

• accepting bad behavior
• allowing abuse or violence
• giving sex on demand
• allowing your husband to control your relationship with God or family

It does mean

• showing your husband respect
• building him up
• honoring him
• following him as he leads you in a Christlike way.

For husbands…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

• forcing your wife to yield to your demands through control or intimidation.

It does mean

• you lead with the same unconditional love, sacrifice and servanthood that Christ demonstrated.
• like Christ, you give yourself in a way that makes her want to submit to your leading.

God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

Let’s not forget that submission in marriage is difficult for both husbands and wives, because we have a very real enemy who uses this topic to stir up hurt and negative feelings. Be patient and show each other grace. The benefits make it well worth the effort to keep at it. God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

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Here’s another important building block to a strong marriage—one that most couples would agree is essential, but very few have mastered. Communication. I doubt anyone would disagree with me about how crucial good communication is in marriage. In fact some might place it before other building blocks I listed in last week’s blog. But again, very few of us have conquered this challenge. 

For some of us, our upbringing and poor role-modeling from our parents have hampered us. We bring their bad habits into our married lives and continue failing to relate well to each other. In fact, I believe the inability to communicate is responsible for most divorces today. Therefore, good communication must be a priority if we are going to see our marriages become successful. 

5. Work to communicate.

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively. One mate is usually better at it than the other. This can cause a sense of inferiority and shame in the one who struggles to express themselves. So partners must both work together, patiently letting each speak what’s on their heart without fear of ridicule or condemnation. 

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively.

In our marriage, I was the one who struggled to communicate. I grew up in a home where children were to be seen and not heard. So I learned to bottle up my emotions, unsure how to say what I really felt. My wife, on the other hand, was brought up differently and had no problem expressing her feelings to me. This created a lot of separation between us. Michele would always hound me to open up to her. But, until I got set free from my own sense of shame and inferiority, I would just shut down. 

For those of you who struggle like I did, I highly recommend Stop Hurting Start Healing, so that God can bring inner healing in your life. As a result, I have seen many married partners receive healing in this area and excel in their marriage with good— if not great—levels of communication. So be patient with each other and recognize that your investment in learning to communicate well will pay great dividends.

6. Labor to love.

Another important building block is unconditional love. The name is self-explanatory and underlines the difference from all other kinds of love. Conditional love (though no one calls it that) has conditions, dependent on behavior, performance and often a time line. 

The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way God does.

That’s why it takes God Himself in the Person of the Holy Spirit to love unconditionally. The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way that God does. Let me give you a brief description of how He sees us. 

He calls us the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8) and views us with no fault, sin, bad attitudes, or destructive habit patterns (Hebrews 8:12) . He looks at you as His creation who is as valuable as He is, made with the same material (Genesis 1:26). That’s how we see our mates through eyes of unconditional love.

Yes, it takes the Holy Spirit in you to accomplish (Romans 5:5). But when you start treating each other that way, satan loses his power over you both. Why? The love of God is your greatest weapon against the devil.

It takes time and a labor of love to see these building blocks present and operational in your marriage. But it’s worth it. I know; I’m married 56 years and life is good!

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It’s been a super stressful couple of weeks at the Anastasi house. You know the kind I’m talking about… where everything that could go wrong, does. I think we could all say that the past few years starting with COVID outbreaks throughout our country and world raised the stress level in most families and marriages. 

It happens to the best of us

Every marriage faces stress on a regular basis. In fact, the strongest couples you know are probably the ones who have endured the most challenges together. 

The pandemic just added to our already stressful lives by closing down schools, putting people out of work, stripping away many of our regular stress outlets like church services, getting together with friends, going out to dinner and a movie—all the things that gave us a sense of well-being and normalcy in life. So there we were housebound, lives turned upside down, with nothing left to do but get on each other’s nerves.

At this time more than ever, we need to take a more relaxed stance toward things. Overlook petty annoyances and be patient and kind to each other. Make an effort to appreciate the little things in each other that we may have taken for granted.

There will always be stress in marriage. Every season and stage brings challenges.

Popular stressors

When Gaspar and I were first married, we dealt with in-law stress. Merging two families with different backgrounds is always challenging. But together we worked through it. 

For years, with a growing family, there was always financial stress making ends meet. Too much week and not enough paycheck. But with God’s help, we always managed to have enough. 

Working at our jobs is demanding and brings stress. Being in ministry is no different. Sometimes I think the stress is greater. It’s difficult not sharing the burden when you see people hurting and with so many needs.

I know best

Add to that, the stress of parenting today. It’s unbelievable! So glad ours are all adults now. But whether small or grown, our precious gifts from God bring stress—probably because we want so badly to do right by them.

I remember more than one disagreement when our kids were small, and it was usually my fault. I didn’t agree with the way my husband disciplined the children. I thought, because I was with them more, I knew better than he did (and told him so over and over and over again). Then one day while I was in prayer probably complaining to God about my husband, the Lord stopped me in my tracks: “Michele, your children don’t need two mothers. So let Gaspar be the father I’ve called him to be.” Wow! That was the end of me telling him, “I know best”.

Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

In sickness and in health

The stress I mentioned at the beginning of the blog had to do with an accident I had and then a health issue. It made me think of our wedding vows… “in sickness and health.” When you or your spouse face health challenges and stress knocks at your door, it’s a time to give your love and support to each other more than ever.

So where am I going with this blog? I just want to encourage you. We’re living in the most stressful of times, and stress comes in all sizes and shapes. Keep God in the center of your marriage. He’ll never fail you. Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork, and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

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