Become fluent in love

Twenty years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his bestseller “The Five Love Languages”. We read it back then and, over the years, have even taught the principles in our marriage groups. We found that Chapman’s insights are key to building intimacy and understanding in marriage. I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it.

The book explains five ways people give and receive love: 1. words of affirmation, 2. acts of service, 3. physical touch, 4. quality time, and 5. receiving gifts. Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one which, of course, complicates things. It’s as if you speak English and your spouse only understands Portuguese. Because you express your love for them in your language, they can’t understand or receive it. 

Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one…

Commit to learning

My primary love language is words of affirmation, with acts of service running a close second. If Gaspar brings me flowers and candy, that’s nice. But they don’t touch my heart like him looking deep into my eyes and saying, “Michele, you’re amazing!”…and then helping me clean out the garage. Crazy right? But that’s what floats my boat.

So often in marriage, both partners feel a lack of intimacy. Each is frustrated that their needs aren’t being met. For instance, you can feel unloved even though your spouse thinks they’re lavishing affection on you. That’s because they are speaking their own love language, totally oblivious to yours.

Intimacy doesn’t come naturally. Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning. The better you know your partner’s likes, dislikes, desires, frustrations, joys, and love language, the deeper and closer your intimacy becomes. 

Intimacy takes time

Developing intimacy takes spending quality time together, sharing your hearts, your feelings, thoughts and needs with each other. It doesn’t happen amid texts and rushed conversations. Before long and without considerable effort, problems arise and rejection creeps in. 

Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning.

Do everything you can to develop and protect the intimacy in your marriage. Putting in the work to better understand each other is the ultimate labor of love and will benefit every part of your relationship. I always want to share resources with you that have helped our marriage, and “The Five Love Languages” certainly has. We know and love each other better because of it. Thank you, Dr. Chapman.

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