Make no mistake about it. Two becoming one, as the Bible defines marriage, takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. And, interestingly, God designs us to attract someone who is different from—and sometimes the exact opposite of—us. In fact, it’s usually their “differentness” that we find so attractive. The love of your life probably has personality attributes and behaviors that you admire and don’t possess yourself.

A strength and a stumbling block

One thing I always admired about my wife was her ability to clearly communicate and express her feelings about everything—especially what she liked and didn’t like. I, on the other hand, came from a family where children should be seen and not heard. So I never developed that skill. 

Interestingly, the very things that attracted me to Michele were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success and happiness. Communication was just one of our many variances. At some point, we concluded that, if our marriage was to succeed, we had to find ways to work out our differences. Now, as we approach 56 years of marriage, this process is still at work!

The very things that attracted me were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success.

In truth, we wasted a good 10 years before we got serious about working at our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and my wife a whole lot of aggravation, pain and near-divorce. Have you discovered yet how you and your partner differ?

Many couples (too many) get divorced because they thought a trip to the altar would magically melt away all their problems. Why not, right? Our love should be more than enough. Others of us got married without a clue why. Oh, we thought we knew. But, in reality, we were attracted to their “differentness”. We admired the mystery—not knowing that these contrasts are a formula for trouble.

A daily dose of discovery

In a prior blog, I compared marriage to an automobile that needs regular maintenance—daily, in the case of marriage. If you neglect it, it will eventually demand your attention and investment just to work properly. Get used to a daily routine of discovery—discovering each other’s contrasts, then making the appropriate changes to accommodate the peace, joy and happiness you desire. 

YOU, yes you are to change to accommodate your husband or wife. That’s how oneness becomes a reality. When differences arise, you are NOT to do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you. God’s design is for us to work together, loving each other with His love and making changes to facilitate happiness and longevity. 

When differences arise, you should NOT do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you.

Dealing with different

• First, celebrate your partner’s differences. God made you dissimilar on purpose. 
• Next, make it clear that you are not trying to change them into a replica of you. Imagine two of you living together with all the same faults and behavior issues. It would be a disaster! 
• Finally, get a strategy you both agree on to work at your union. It could be:
  • reading a book on marriage together a little bit every day, even taking turns reading to each other. 
  • praying together for each other every morning and meditating on the same scripture daily. 
  • Or you could do all of the above. It really wouldn’t take that long. 

Get a vision to work toward

Marriage is a long-term investment. Plan to consistently work at it for the rest of your life. Your work will pay great dividends, and it won’t be long before you see results. There is one other step that I believe is mandatory in everybody’s marriage. 

Begin setting goals for what you both want to accomplish in the next 6 months. After 6 months, review your list, checking off your achievements. Then set new goals for the next 6 months. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. Without a vision (for yourself or your marriage), you will fail, stagnate and eventually give up. 

So, what are you waiting for? Start working at your marriage, even if your partner is not ready yet. Work on you. There is power in one. And, before long, your mate will join you. The best is still yet to come!

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Proverbs 29:18, KJV

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In marriage as in life, it’s easy to ridicule each other’s weaknesses and faults, to pour cold water on your mate’s enthusiasm. The world is full of discouragers. But as Christians, we have a duty to love and encourage one another just as God encourages us. Often, just receiving a word of praise, thanks, or appreciation from my wife has kept me on my feet and given me strength to fight through life’s difficulties.

Be otherly

Because human beings tend to be self-centered, criticism comes as naturally to us as flying does to an eagle. In fact, our selfishness makes it easier to criticize than to encourage. We can discourage our mate daily without considering the damage our words and behavior create. When our focus is mainly on self, we don’t think about the other person’s feelings—only our own. 

I encourage you: Strive to be “otherly”. Find ways to edify or lift up your mate with your words and behavior. The very thing that you need from them you will receive once you give it. It’s not all about you. It’s really about God and your relationship with your mate. 

We live in God’s kingdom which is upside-down. The world says “Take what you need and put yourself first.” But God says, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38). It’s the law of sowing and reaping. We reap what we sow. 

Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.

Luke 6:38

Sticks and stones

The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” simply isn’t true. That’s why I have made it a habit to carefully evaluate my communication pattern to avoid negative and critical speech. But my technique includes not just my words, but also my tone of voice and actions. It’s possible to say one thing with our lips and relay an entirely different message with our behavior. Bottom line: Our heart has to be right with God before it can be right with our mate. “For out of the abundance of the heart [our] mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). When we fail to encourage, when we’re critical, we slowly chip away at the foundation of our own marriage. 

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Matt. 12:34

You might have been raised that way. Maybe your parents used negative words to motivate you to do what they wanted. So, without realizing it, you brought that same detrimental behavior into your marriage. Think how much your parents’ hurtful words didn’t motivate you, and they won’t work on your spouse either. Instead, they built walls between you—maybe even to this day. If you see those same walls rising between you and your mate, it’s time to make a change. 

Thorns into roses

Your willingness to sow kindness and encouragement (to be otherly) will reap amazing results for your marriage! To get you started, here are some edifying words to insert into your daily communications with your mate. 

• I appreciate you because __________________
• I admire you for __________________
• Thank you for __________________
• You made me feel loved when __________________
• I like being with you because __________________  
• You look terrific in that __________________
• I’m so blessed that you’re my ___________________

Just sprinkling words of kindness like these into your marriage daily will radically transform your relationship from a patch of thorns to a bed of roses. You’ll need the help of the Holy Spirit to remind you and instruct you how and when to say them.

Bad habits take time to break, but it’s worth the effort. Make yourself available to hear from the Holy Spirit. This right turn toward encouragement and away from criticism will start you on a journey to jubilee—the recovery of everything that has been lost from your marriage or stolen by the enemy. Trust me, it works!

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