More fluent in love

August 20, 2022 Michele Anastasi

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”. Since then, a number of spouses said to me they wish I had included specific suggestions for each one of the love languages.

Taking the time to learn what makes your spouse feel loved and then intentionally loving them in that way is a great gift. My first suggestion is, when you take the Love Language Quiz and get the results, spend some time discussing it together. (Just because you know your spouse’s love language doesn’t mean you’ll automatically know what they personally need to feel loved.)

Physical touch

“We know and love each other better because of it.”

When your spouse’s love language is physical touch, don’t think only of the act of love making. Physical touch includes so much more! Don’t let the day go by without touching them in a meaningful way. Some suggestions:

Cuddle in bed for a few minutes before getting up.
Always kiss hello and goodbye.
Hold hands often.
Give them a shoulder, neck or foot massage.
Cuddle while watching a movie together.
Hold hands and pray together.
Hug often.
Don’t forget at least one passionate kiss daily.
Put on some romantic music and dance together.
Cuddle before falling asleep.

Acts of service

For this love language, you’ll want to know what your spouse would like you to do. Acts of service require thought and effort. Some ideas:

Do a chore your spouse hates to do.
Ask what they need help with at the beginning of the week.
Respond to requests in a positive way rather than acting put off.
Make up a goody basket with their favorite treats.
Fill the car with gas.
Help prepare dinner or help clean up.
Make their coffee or tea in the morning.
Polish their shoes.
Make a coupon book of things you’ll do for them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert.

BF__Next level — Do you need spiritual healing? Come to the right place: www.BreakingFreeCC.com. Or call 239.244.3912.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy.

Quality time

The quality time love language centers around togetherness and giving your mate your undivided attention. Put your cell phone away. Shut down all electronics, and focus on your partner. When you do that, it touches their heart and makes them feel loved and important. Some suggestions to get you started:

Plan a special date night.
Take turns reading a book aloud together.
Go for coffee or ice cream and leave your phone in the car.
Cook dinner together.
Go for a walk around your neighborhood.
Start and end your day spending time talking.
Discuss and plan some marriage goals together.
Do a home project together.
Look for and start a hobby you’d both enjoy.
Once you make plans to do something, don’t cancel.

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation include so much. Kindness. Encouragement. Empathy. And seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. Think about what they would want to hear. For example:

“I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
“Thank you for all you do for me.”
“I admire the way you ______________.”
“I wouldn’t want to go through life without you.”
“No matter what happens, we’ll make it through this together.”
“I love every minute we’re together.”
“Thank you for being my best friend.”
“The best day of my life was the day I married you.”
“You make me feel safe.”
“You’re the best _____________ ever!”

Receiving gifts

Store-bought gifts aren’t the only way to speak this love language. And it’s not about how much you spend either. It’s the thought that goes into the gift. One wife told me her husband buys her gifts she doesn’t really want. Here’s a suggestion: If your spouse is trying to eat healthy and lose weight, a box of candy wouldn’t be the ideal gift. The gift should have special meaning to them. Always keep an eye out for things they’d love to be surprised with. Some ideas:

Place a small gift or love note in the bag they take to work or on a trip.
Listen for hints of things they love and make special occasions a big deal.
Give them a small gift every hour on the hour for their birthday.
Plan a surprise weekend getaway.
Fill a notebook with one thing you love about them every day for a year. Include pictures of the two of you.
Order a favorite childhood candy or snack.
Be willing to invest in something that matters to them.
After a trip, bring home a souvenir that made you think of them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert for no special reason.
Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy. Hope you find these ideas helpful! You can always discover more suggestions on the internet. Regardless, we’d love to hear how these love language tips worked out for you!

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Become fluent in love

August 6, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Twenty years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his bestseller “The Five Love Languages”. We read it back then and, over the years, have even taught the principles in our marriage groups. We found that Chapman’s insights are key to building intimacy and understanding in marriage. I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it.

The book explains five ways people give and receive love: 1. words of affirmation, 2. acts of service, 3. physical touch, 4. quality time, and 5. receiving gifts. Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one which, of course, complicates things. It’s as if you speak English and your spouse only understands Portuguese. Because you express your love for them in your language, they can’t understand or receive it.

Every person has at least one primary love language. But rarely does a couple share the same one…

Commit to learning

My primary love language is words of affirmation, with acts of service running a close second. If Gaspar brings me flowers and candy, that’s nice. But they don’t touch my heart like him looking deep into my eyes and saying, “Michele, you’re amazing!”…and then helping me clean out the garage. Crazy right? But that’s what floats my boat.

So often in marriage, both partners feel a lack of intimacy. Each is frustrated that their needs aren’t being met. For instance, you can feel unloved even though your spouse thinks they’re lavishing affection on you. That’s because they are speaking their own love language, totally oblivious to yours.

Intimacy doesn’t come naturally. Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning. The better you know your partner’s likes, dislikes, desires, frustrations, joys, and love language, the deeper and closer your intimacy becomes.

Intimacy takes time

Developing intimacy takes spending quality time together, sharing your hearts, your feelings, thoughts and needs with each other. It doesn’t happen amid texts and rushed conversations. Before long and without considerable effort, problems arise and rejection creeps in.

Couples need to become students of each other and never quit learning.

Do everything you can to develop and protect the intimacy in your marriage. Putting in the work to better understand each other is the ultimate labor of love and will benefit every part of your relationship. I always want to share resources with you that have helped our marriage, and “The Five Love Languages” certainly has. We know and love each other better because of it. Thank you, Dr. Chapman.

Do you need inner healing? Come to the right place: www.BreakingFreeCC.com. Or call 239.244.3912.

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Don’t look back

July 30, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Finding direction, Marriage

Every day that God blesses you to be married is a gift. But if you are always looking back on yesterday’s failures, how can you fully enjoy this wonderful gift of God? Failure is not the biggest problem we face in life, but not understanding why we failed is. Not knowing will keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over, which leads to boredom and stagnation.

The great news is that your marriage has a purpose! But if you’re both going around and around like a ferris wheel, you’re not growing and fulfilling the purpose for which God brought you together. If you’re just going through the motions and the fire you once had has gone out, you’re not alone. But don’t worry or give up. Let’s talk about how to restart the fire and feel fulfilled again.

God didn’t make a mistake

Start by recognizing that God didn’t make a mistake by putting the two of you together. He knew that you were a world apart, and yet He brought you into each other’s lives by design. Accept your mate’s differences instead of trying to change them into a little version of you. That is a major first step in re-lighting the fire in your marriage.

In our early years of marriage, I tried to make Michele more like me—and she did the same thing. That didn’t work out so well. In fact, our efforts brought us to the brink of divorce. Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one. You need what your spouse has, and it’s something you could never attain alone.

Seeing your differences as a plus and not a minus, a blessing and not a curse, will revolutionize the way you look at your marriage. Just think: You never could have fulfilled God’s ultimate purpose for your life alone. You need your marriage partner, and he or she needs you. That revelation alone should radically change your view of your mate from one of resentment or annoyance to great appreciation and thankfulness.

God designed us so that we need someone different from ourselves or even completely opposite. Every day you both have an opportunity to fulfill God’s purpose: To change and be more Christ-like. You can thank your mate’s differences for helping you accomplish that.

Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one.

I will give you rest. — Do you or someone you know need Counseling or Life Coaching? Healing may be closer than you think. Call (239) 244.3912 or go to BreakingFreecc.com

Celebrate God’s gift

Instead of rejecting your better half and complaining about how much trouble they cause you, celebrate them by expressing your love to them and thanksgiving for them. No matter what they do or don’t do, focus on the fact that God designed them as a gift specially you.

So what! You’ve made mistakes along the way. Like I said, failing doesn’t make you a failure. The strongest, most successful couples you know experience moments of failure in marriage. Giving up is simply not an option, especially because we have Jesus living in us and the Holy Spirit empowering us to see our marriages correctly.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God. That might just cause you to repent and ask their forgiveness for the way you have treated them and taken him or her for granted. Remember, your marriage partner is your best asset to fulfill God’s plans and purposes for your life—something you couldn’t have done yourself.

So stop looking back and letting the devil tell you that your marriage was a mistake and your life is ruined because of it. Close the door on satan, and open the doorway of your mind to God. Now take hold of the precious gift God has given you, and love them with all your heart.

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Get used to different

July 2, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage

Make no mistake about it. Two becoming one, as the Bible defines marriage, takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. And, interestingly, God designs us to attract someone who is different from—and sometimes the exact opposite of—us. In fact, it’s usually their “differentness” that we find so attractive. The love of your life probably has personality attributes and behaviors that you admire and don’t possess yourself.

A strength and a stumbling block

One thing I always admired about my wife was her ability to clearly communicate and express her feelings about everything—especially what she liked and didn’t like. I, on the other hand, came from a family where children should be seen and not heard. So I never developed that skill.

Interestingly, the very things that attracted me to Michele were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success and happiness. Communication was just one of our many variances. At some point, we concluded that, if our marriage was to succeed, we had to find ways to work out our differences. Now, as we approach 56 years of marriage, this process is still at work!

The very things that attracted me were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success.

In truth, we wasted a good 10 years before we got serious about working at our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and my wife a whole lot of aggravation, pain and near-divorce. Have you discovered yet how you and your partner differ?

Many couples (too many) get divorced because they thought a trip to the altar would magically melt away all their problems. Why not, right? Our love should be more than enough. Others of us got married without a clue why. Oh, we thought we knew. But, in reality, we were attracted to their “differentness”. We admired the mystery—not knowing that these contrasts are a formula for trouble.

Bishop Gaspar & Michele Anastasi founded Breaking Free Wellness Center to bring Christ-centered Counseling and Coaching to our community. Visit BreakingFreeCC.com or call (239) 244-3912 for FREE Consultation.

A daily dose of discovery

In a prior blog, I compared marriage to an automobile that needs regular maintenance—daily, in the case of marriage. If you neglect it, it will eventually demand your attention and investment just to work properly. Get used to a daily routine of discovery—discovering each other’s contrasts, then making the appropriate changes to accommodate the peace, joy and happiness you desire.

YOU, yes you are to change to accommodate your husband or wife. That’s how oneness becomes a reality. When differences arise, you are NOT to do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you. God’s design is for us to work together, loving each other with His love and making changes to facilitate happiness and longevity.

When differences arise, you should NOT do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you.

Dealing with different

First, celebrate your partner’s differences. God made you dissimilar on purpose.
Next, make it clear that you are not trying to change them into a replica of you. Imagine two of you living together with all the same faults and behavior issues. It would be a disaster!
Finally, get a strategy you both agree on to work at your union. It could be:
- reading a book on marriage together a little bit every day, even taking turns reading to each other.
- praying together for each other every morning and meditating on the same scripture daily.
- Or you could do all of the above. It really wouldn’t take that long.

Get a vision to work toward

Marriage is a long-term investment. Plan to consistently work at it for the rest of your life. Your work will pay great dividends, and it won’t be long before you see results. There is one other step that I believe is mandatory in everybody’s marriage.

Begin setting goals for what you both want to accomplish in the next 6 months. After 6 months, review your list, checking off your achievements. Then set new goals for the next 6 months. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. Without a vision (for yourself or your marriage), you will fail, stagnate and eventually give up.

So, what are you waiting for? Start working at your marriage, even if your partner is not ready yet. Work on you. There is power in one. And, before long, your mate will join you. The best is still yet to come!

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Proverbs 29:18, KJV

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Going back to go forward

June 25, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Marriage

In our Sacred Marriage group, we hold a session we call Going Back to Go Forward. That’s because the childhood wounds and experiences of one or both partners often resurface in our marriage relationship. They certainly did in ours. In fact, it was our own brokenness that brought us into inner healing ministry. Way back then, there was very little information on healing damaged emotions. But we absorbed whatever we could find, and the Holy Spirit taught us the rest.

The past isn’t always behind us

One thing we came to realize is that our marital problems didn’t start at the altar. Our difficulties were rooted in childhood wounds that were never healed or dealt with. Our patterns of relating to each other were formed in those early experiences and the way our parents related to us and to each other.

We all lug around emotional baggage we aren’t aware of.

We tend to think that what happened to us in the past is just that—the past. Why should it affect us today? And why our marriage? The truth is: We all lug around emotional baggage that we aren’t even aware of.

Most everything we learn about life, we learn from our parents or whoever raised us. Their issues are automatically passed down and ingrained in us. If your parents didn’t live godly, committed lives, you probably weren’t exposed to the presence of God or taught His ways. Therefore, during our formative years, we learned how to cope and survive without Him.

Unrealistic expectations

In addition to emotional baggage, we bring into our union unrealistic expectations. Personally, I looked to my new husband to make up for everything my wounded childhood lacked. I thought if he loved me the right way, that would make me whole. We both desperately looked to each other like that. It took us years to learn that what we needed could only be found in Christ.

The thing is, when we come to Christ, no one pushes the “clear” button to wipe away all the negative defense mechanisms we acquired to protect ourselves—things like blame-shifting, denial, anger, shutting down, etc.

There’s a great quote by author Pete Scazzero: “Jesus is in your heart, but grandpa is still in your bones.” That means Jesus saves us the moment we come to Him, but we still have a lifetime of experiences to work through. That’s where transformation takes place.

Jesus is in your heart, but grandpa is still in your bones.
—Pete Scazzero

Overcoming strongholds

Growing up, both our environment and experiences erect strongholds in our minds. This results in deep-set patterns of behavior that remain with us until they’re broken through prayer and then continually worked out by the renewing of our mind in God’s Word. The Apostle Paul tells us in Romans 12:2 that we must no longer be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…
Romans 12:2

Beyond the blame game

Please keep in mind: The goal in exposing and healing childhood wounds isn’t to blame our parents. They, no doubt, suffered from their own wounded pasts. There are many ways we can be wounded in childhood: The death of a parent, divorce, learning disabilities, chronic childhood illness, being bullied, being given too much responsibility, poverty, all sorts of abuse… Life is not easy.

The good news is God can heal any wound—no matter how deep or painful. He just needs us to be honest and transparent with Him; to own up to the struggles that hold us hostage. It’s through our brokenness that God can bring healing. As we learn to forgive each other and those who have hurt us, we enable God to step in and give us beauty for ashes.

We pray that this blog has been blessing to you. Why not leave a comment below? We love hearing from you!

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What’s time got to do with it?

June 18, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Relationship with God

God wants you to have a great marriage, but sometimes we work against His will. Truly, we talk about positive steps we can take to grow and strengthen our marriages. But rarely do we take note of the steps we make that destroy our marriage. So let me share a few very important ways couples cause their relationships to grow cold and even die.

By the way, you don’t have to be a non-Christian for these marital ills to work against you. We may think that going to church and reading our Bibles once in a while will make our marriages fireproof. That thinking only blinds us to the smoldering embers ready to ignite. When we enter into our marriage covenant, few of us see failure—quite the opposite. In our minds, we envision living happily ever after with the one who captured our heart… the one who chose us above all others. Right?

But somehow, we forget the steps that brought us to the altar in the first place—that place of true joy, happiness and fulfillment. Let me jog your memory and hopefully help you turn the ship around to fulfill the God-given dreams and expectations you both had.

Time with them

Remember how you used to make time for each other, no matter what? Even though you had a full-time job among many other demands and distractions, your girl/your guy was always your top priority. Remember the many sacrifices you made to safeguard those precious moments together? Above all others, they came first…

Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them.

Fast forward a few years and you let so many other things get in the way of what used to be non-negotiable. Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them. What happened? What changed?

Time with Him

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We also get very lax in our relationship with God—personally and as a couple. Remember when you used to invest time praying for your future mate, never letting a day go by when you didn’t lift them up. We made sure God was the most important asset in our new life together.

Sadly, our relationship with God is usually the first to take a hit when we get married. We stop seeking Him for ourselves and for our partner’s protection and peace. We also quit praying together for our marriage success. God gets put on the shelf even for the most important things in life.

This immediately opens the door for satan. Of course, our enemy gets to work making us hurt each other through rejection, anger, bitterness, etc. Thus, the walls of protection begin to come down around us. Couples start to take each other’s love, acts of kindness and mercy for granted and even respond instead with sarcasm and condemnation.

Return to your first love

Thankfully, all of these things I mentioned can be reversed. Choose to get out of denial and admit that you have left your first love for God and your mate. No, these problems didn’t happen overnight, but they will likely continue to grow the longer we refuse to stop and take inventory. Look at how far your marriage has fallen from your original dreams and hopeful expectations. Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

By now, you may have given up trying to make your marriage work— much less make it better. You think the scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for too long. Failure is not a given; so the choice is yours. God didn’t create you to fail, nor to be hopeless.

Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

The Lord doesn’t lose

The Lord has never lost a battle. And, because He is with you, you are on the winning side.You can win the battle against indifference, lack of desire and the impulse to give up. Remember: What God has put together, let no man (and that includes you, your husband and your wife) put asunder. In other words, choose NOT to give up on your marriage.

Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we start the climb back up, with God’s help. Of course, if you exchange the formula for disaster for the formula for success, you are bound to win. For your marriage to work, you both must choose the right priorities and the right principles.

As I said in the beginning, it is God’s will that you have a great marriage. But He leaves the choice up to you. Keep in mind that, at some future time, He will ask you what you did with His Word and with His Son Jesus. As a Christian, giving up is not an option because God has given you all the tools you need to succeed. Start your greatest comeback as a couple. God is with you!

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