There is one key that—not only holds marriages together, but—brings them into the fullness of God’s glory. That one key is comprised of at least five core values. Values are those things that you have deep convictions about in your heart. Values are non-negotiable. They govern the direction your marriage takes and form its walls of protection. 

Values are like the fence around your house. That fence defines, protects and identifies your house and its property. That’s what having at least five core values does for your marriage. Now we all have values individually but, most of the time, we don’t recognize them. These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day. Sadly, those same principles—when brought into your marriage—often cause conflict. 

These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day.  

Conflicting values

One spouse may place high value on their social life, and he or she pursues social interactions all the time. Meanwhile, the other mate values the opposite. They desire personal intimacy and that is their major focus. Both are good values, but they oppose each other and will eventually bring conflict in the marriage.  

Couples need to decide what values are most important for their marriage, even if certain ones are unimportant to the other. The marriage needs to be the major focus and not our own selfish needs and desires. Remember there are three entities in a marriage: You, your spouse and your marriage itself. Ultimately, a couples’ decisions should always come down to what’s best for their marriage—not what’s best for either individual.

Define, define, define

So take the time to identify what your marriage values should be, and discuss them with your mate. Talk about whether or not those ideals are already in place and, if not, what you can do as a couple to build them in. 

These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple. 

Identifying your current values will help you to decide which ones to let go of and which ones to embrace. These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple. You will never reach that place of marriage wholeness unless you have at least 5 core values that become the foundation of your marriage.

A tale of two marriages

Matthew 7:24-27 describes two kinds of houses (we’ll say marriages). One marriage is built on a foundation of sand (having no defined core values). The other is built on a solid rock (having very well-defined values). Both couples face the same troubles in life, but the marriage without a strong foundation is destroyed. The one built on the rock survived the same storms that took the other one out, but didn’t collapse. Rather, that marriage stood firm in the midst of all the problems it faced. 

Your values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection.

Let me suggest a few marriage values that you and your spouse might like to build upon. Though values are necessary for success, this list is by no means a guarantee for achieving success. Values must come from both of your hearts. These values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection. It is definitely worth taking the time to discover what those ideals need to be for you as a couple. 

Suggested values

1. Loving God. This one is a no-brainer, and every marriage needs to stand on it as a foundational principle. Whenever you put God first, everything just seems to work out better—no matter what storms come. I believe that we really don’t have financial or relationship problems. We have lordship problems. But when both mates pursue God as the number one value, the best is yet to come—and always will be! 
2. Honesty is another value I highly recommend. You could define honesty as a willingness to be transparent with one another without having to pay a price. Most marriages fail because of poor communication. However, if you both establish honesty as a marriage value, your communication level will increase exponentially.
3. Happiness is a core value I would NOT recommend. It sounds funny to say it, but if you make happiness a foundation for your marriage, you will be very disappointed… and your marriage will fail. Happiness is a fruit of having core values—but not a value itself. Yes, we all want happiness, but it will only result from a lot of hard work and living out our marriage values. If you read my blog from 2 weeks ago, you know that a good marriage requires self-sacrifice. But in the end, it will produce the fruit of happiness. 

Can you name at least 3 more core values that you think should be added to a marriage? I would be interested in hearing from you.

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”. Since then, a number of spouses said to me they wish I had included specific suggestions for each one of the love languages. 

Taking the time to learn what makes your spouse feel loved and then intentionally loving them in that way is a great gift. My first suggestion is, when you take the Love Language Quiz and get the results, spend some time discussing it together. (Just because you know your spouse’s love language doesn’t mean you’ll automatically know what they personally need to feel loved.)

Physical touch

When your spouse’s love language is physical touch, don’t think only of the act of love making. Physical touch includes so much more! Don’t let the day go by without touching them in a meaningful way. Some suggestions:

1. Cuddle in bed for a few minutes before getting up.
2. Always kiss hello and goodbye.
3. Hold hands often.
4. Give them a shoulder, neck or foot massage.
5. Cuddle while watching a movie together.
6. Hold hands and pray together.
7. Hug often.
8. Don’t forget at least one passionate kiss daily.
9. Put on some romantic music and dance together.
10. Cuddle before falling asleep.

Acts of service

For this love language, you’ll want to know what your spouse would like you to do. Acts of service require thought and effort. Some ideas:

1. Do a chore your spouse hates to do.
2. Ask what they need help with at the beginning of the week.
3. Respond to requests in a positive way rather than acting put off.
4. Make up a goody basket with their favorite treats.
5. Fill the car with gas.
6. Help prepare dinner or help clean up.
7. Make their coffee or tea in the morning.
8. Polish their shoes.
9. Make a coupon book of things you’ll do for them.
10. Make their favorite meal and dessert.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy.

Quality time

The quality time love language centers around togetherness and giving your mate your undivided attention. Put your cell phone away. Shut down all electronics, and focus on your partner. When you do that, it touches their heart and makes them feel loved and important. Some suggestions to get you started:

1. Plan a special date night.
2. Take turns reading a book aloud together.
3. Go for coffee or ice cream and leave your phone in the car.
4. Cook dinner together.
5. Go for a walk around your neighborhood.
6. Start and end your day spending time talking.
7. Discuss and plan some marriage goals together.
8. Do a home project together.
9. Look for and start a hobby you’d both enjoy.
10. Once you make plans to do something, don’t cancel.

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation include so much. Kindness. Encouragement. Empathy. And seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. Think about what they would want to hear. For example:

1. “I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
2. “Thank you for all you do for me.”
3. “I admire the way you ______________.”
4. “I wouldn’t want to go through life without you.”
5. “No matter what happens, we’ll make it through this together.”
6. “I love every minute we’re together.”
7. “Thank you for being my best friend.”
8. “The best day of my life was the day I married you.”
9. “You make me feel safe.”
10. “You’re the best _____________ ever!”

Receiving gifts

Store-bought gifts aren’t the only way to speak this love language. And it’s not about how much you spend either. It’s the thought that goes into the gift. One wife told me her husband buys her gifts she doesn’t really want. Here’s a suggestion: If your spouse is trying to eat healthy and lose weight, a box of candy wouldn’t be the ideal gift. The gift should have special meaning to them. Always keep an eye out for things they’d love to be surprised with. Some ideas:

1. Place a small gift or love note in the bag they take to work or on a trip.
2. Listen for hints of things they love and make special occasions a big deal.
3. Give them a small gift every hour on the hour for their birthday.
4. Plan a surprise weekend getaway.
5. Fill a notebook with one thing you love about them every day for a year. Include pictures of the two of you.
6. Order a favorite childhood candy or snack.
7. Be willing to invest in something that matters to them.
8. After a trip, bring home a souvenir that made you think of them.
9. Make their favorite meal and dessert for no special reason.
10. Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy. Hope you find these ideas helpful! You can always discover more suggestions on the internet. Regardless, we’d love to hear how these love language tips worked out for you! 

If this blog post has blessed you, please comment below.

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