We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation! If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy? Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very first thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that you have built. Restore trust that you have lost.

Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of marriage is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and find ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more effective communicator with your spouse?

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As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better 

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage. 

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay. 

For God to give you better, you have to make room for better.

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked. 

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better. 

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying. 

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often,  what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!  

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart. But they never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”. 

It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage.

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old. 

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits. 

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A while back, a super stressful period hit the Anastasi house. You know the kind I’m talking about… where everything that could go wrong, does. But I think we would all agree that, starting with COVID outbreaks throughout our country and world, stress levels have risen in most families and marriages. 

It happens to the best of us

Every marriage faces stress on a regular basis. In fact, the strongest couples you know are probably the ones who have endured the most challenges together. 

The pandemic just added to our already stressful lives by closing down schools, putting people out of work, stripping away many of our regular stress outlets like church services, getting together with friends, going out to dinner and a movie—all the things that gave us a sense of well-being and normalcy in life. So there we were housebound, lives turned upside down, with nothing left to do but get on each other’s nerves.

At this time more than ever, we need to take a more relaxed stance toward things. Overlook petty annoyances and be patient and kind to each other. Make an effort to appreciate the little things in each other that we may have taken for granted.

There will always be stress in marriage. Every season and stage brings challenges.

Popular stressors

When Gaspar and I were first married, we dealt with in-law stress. Merging two families with different backgrounds is always challenging. But together we worked through it. 

For years, with a growing family, there was always financial stress making ends meet. Too much week and not enough paycheck. But with God’s help, we always managed to have enough. 

Working at our jobs is demanding and brings stress. Being in ministry is no different. Sometimes I think the stress is greater. It’s difficult not sharing the burden when you see people hurting and with so many needs.

I know best

Add to that, the stress of parenting today. It’s unbelievable! So glad ours are all adults now. But whether small or grown, our precious gifts from God bring stress—probably because we want so badly to do right by them.

I remember more than one disagreement when our kids were small, and it was usually my fault. I didn’t agree with the way my husband disciplined the children. I thought, because I was with them more, I knew better than he did (and told him so over and over and over again). Then one day while I was in prayer probably complaining to God about my husband, the Lord stopped me in my tracks: “Michele, your children don’t need two mothers. So let Gaspar be the father I’ve called him to be.” Wow! That was the end of me telling him, “I know best”.

Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

In sickness and in health

The stress I mentioned at the beginning of the blog had to do with an accident I had and then a health issue. It made me think of our wedding vows… “in sickness and health.” When you or your spouse face health challenges and stress knocks at your door, it’s a time to give your love and support to each other more than ever.

So where am I going with this blog? I just want to encourage you. We’re living in the most stressful of times, and stress comes in all sizes and shapes. Keep God in the center of your marriage. He’ll never fail you. Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork, and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

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As you’ve heard me say before, a good marriage takes hard work. What you put into it is what you get out of it. Nevertheless, so many people are deceived into thinking Love is all you need. But they soon find out that love alone won’t keep them together. 

You may have heard people complain (as they dial up their divorce attorney), “We just fell out of love.” Yes, a successful marriage does produce joy, fulfillment and happiness. But there’s one important principal that we accept in every other area of life except marriage: Success requires hard work.  

Smarter, not harder

Ask any accomplished person—a businessman, an athlete, an artist or anyone successful in their chosen field. They will tell you that they worked very hard to get where they are. And continue to do so to maintain their success. 

So let’s get this truth established once and for all. If you want a lasting, successful marriage that will leave a great legacy for the next generation, you will have to work at it. Now, for some who read this blog, that statement will automatically turn you off. For those eager to invest effort into their marriage, here are some smart tips. They will pay great dividends in the end. Working hard is good, but working smart is better.

If you want a lasting, successful marriage that leaves a great legacy for the next generation, you will have to work at it.

1. Listen to each other

Focus on the areas of your marriage that are the most needful first. For most couples, that’s the area of communication. Schedule at least one hour each week. During this time, give your undivided attention to one another. Talk about hot button issues. Be intentional about the topics, giving your mate the first opportunity to share their heart. Listen with the intent of hearing your husband or wife’s heart cry. Then you share while they listen. 

2. Empathize with each other

The key is to develop empathy for one another. Listen then speak without being judgmental, critical, or condemning. Agree beforehand that this will be a time of transparency. The purpose is not to give advice or counsel one another, but rather to listen to your mate’s heart. This will help you both to develop a greater ability to walk in God’s grace towards one another. 

Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.” (AMP)

The purpose is not to give advice or counsel one another, but rather listen to your mate’s heart.  

3. Pray for each other

Pray together once a week. This too will take planning. Pray for your mate’s needs and then conclude by praying a blessing over them. Yes, we should pray for each other more than once a week, but do so individually. Every day, take time to lift up your husband or wife in prayer. Keep a prayer journal with a list of needs they have as God shows them to you. That way, you can mark off each one as God answers your requests. Don’t allow a week to go by without doing that.

The Holy Spirit will help you

I know we are all busy. But this is more important than most of the things we put before our marriages. Learning to share does take work, but doesn’t everything that we want to be successful at? Working these few items into your marriage will bring great fruitfulness in a very short time. Start today, and trust the Holy Spirit to help you. It will work if you work it!

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