Beautiful, glorious frustration

December 18, 2021 Michele Anastasi

Yep, love is blind

Why is it that the very things we find so cute and endearing about someone we’re dating drive us up a wall once we say “I do?” I truly admired my future husband’s generous, I’ll-give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back character. People were always more important to him than things, and it amazed me how easily he gave. It was sweet until…

We got married, and he started giving away my things too! Things like my favorite Bible… the last kitten from the litter (one I wanted to keep)…. His answer always went something like… “But, Babe, you’ve got other Bibles, and you have mama cat. They fell in love with that kitten.”

After several years of this, I’d tease him on my way out to run errands. “We have 3 children, and I expect to find 3 when I get back. Do not give one away.” That was a lot of years ago and we laugh about it today, but way back then it was frustrating. (I’m sure my husband has more than his share of stories about how I drove him crazy, but this is my blog!)

marriage counseling/coaching — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

God’s plan and our annoyance

Have you ever wondered why opposites attract? Why are we so different? Why couldn’t we spot this problem when we were dating? Does God get a chuckle out of putting such contrary personalities together?

It took me many years to realize that God, in His infinite wisdom, had a plan and purpose for pairing up opposites like us. He knew that our differences could be used as a tool to chip off each other’s rough edges; a tool to change and mature us into something better than we were… The people He created us to be.

Let’s face it, left to ourselves, we all think we’re just fine the way we are. It’s our mate that has issues and needs to change. So God uses marriage to help us work out our salvation—to show us what’s inside us that needs to go.

There’s good in the bad and ugly

Did you ever notice how your spouse has a way of bringing out the worst in you? They push all the right buttons that turn you into the ugliest version of yourself.

Marriage is such a deeply intimate relationship that our spouse sees and exposes the junk in us, the parts we work hard to keep hidden from everyone else. Marriage has a way of confronting our weaknesses, our emotional immaturity and transforming us in a way nothing else can. And we sure don’t appreciate that!

To receive all that God intended from marriage, we must be transparent and honest with Him, ourselves and our mate. We must give up our unrealistic expectations; set aside hurts and disappointments; crucify ugly attitudes, selfish and self-centered actions. God never intended marriage to be easy, but He did intend our differences and unmet needs to drive us closer to Him.

Oh, and to that man I married 54 years ago, I say “Thank you, Honey, for helping God chip away my rough edges.”

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

It’s the little things that matter

December 11, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

0 Comment

Making positive change, Marriage

My car was only two years old when I hit a pothole crossing the George Washington Bridge in New York. The vehicle immediately shut off, and my family and I were suddenly stranded on the side of the road. However, the problem wasn’t something big like the engine or transmission like I thought. A little pothole had caused a big jolt that tripped a tiny switch connected to the fuel line and sidelined my vehicle for hours—not to mention our family vacation. By design, this little safety feature shut off the entire engine to potentially prevent a fire.

In the same way, it’s often the little things that determine the course of our relationships. It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room from you or dreading coming home at all. I’m talking about small issues that could be fixed by a slight adjustment in our attitude… a tiny tweak in our actions… a minor modification in our mindset. Yet, we are so prone to focus on major stumbling blocks that we may overlook the tiny action that started it all.

Beware of little foxes

God tells us in Song of Songs 2:15 “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

According to the Lord, when we overlook seemingly insignificant issues, we set up our relationship for failure. And we unknowingly allow the same things to repeat themselves again and again. Just because something is not in your face at this moment doesn’t make it insignificant.

Little foxes are hidden weaknesses and character flaws that we all have. We may have successfully covered them up for years or maybe even a lifetime. They went undetected because our focus has always been on the current big problem.

A storm, high winds or even an unexpected cold snap can destroy in a moment a garden we’ve nurtured for years. Even so, these natural disasters may not do nearly the damage as tiny insects we can barely see. Are you letting pests devastate your precious vegetation while you stand guard against a hurricane? Ask the Lord to show you the little things.

Time for a recall?

Car companies test their vehicles for safety before they sell them on the market. Even so, every now and then manufacturers must recall a certain model. A little thing that went undetected or underestimated when the vehicle was built now creates great consequences for the driver or others on the road.

Our marriages are the same way. God is recalling many of us to fix issues that could cause our relationship to crash and burn. Going back to Solomon’s metaphor, what are the little foxes that are eating away at our intimacy and romance? What tiny thing has come between you and your mate and keeps them at odds with you? These little foxes may create big problems for us, but the solution may be surprisingly small. Ask your Father to show you and help you.

Take the keys

Just like the keys God gives us to His kingdom, the solution to your marriage problem may be something very small compared the doors it will open. God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. The question is: Will you let Him? Will you allow God to do a recall in your life? Or will you let pride keep you from submitting to His alterations?

How many people actually bring their car back to the dealership when they get a recall letter? Not many. Your marriage is more precious and important than any car. So take some time to reflect and hear God’s voice when you’re in the midst of what you consider a BIG problem. Ask Him to show you the little things. Something you consider insignificant; some slight adjustment or minor change may alter the course of your marriage for the better. Remember it’s the little things that matter.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

How to heal what’s broken

December 4, 2021 Michele Anastasi

0 Comment

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationship with God

Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? You may have even thought it was impossible. The hurt and pain went so deep that you didn’t even want to think about forgiving. I know. I’ve been there and, if you’re married, I’m sure you have too.

My own struggle

Right from the start, let me say I (Michele) have struggled with forgiveness. It hasn’t come easy, and my heart goes out to those of you who have been wounded and are struggling too. It’s especially difficult when it’s your own spouse that has failed you somehow—you know, the one who promised to love and cherish you?

Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.

Having been raised by a very wounded and abusive parent, I came into marriage with a lot of unresolved anger. I stumbled onto a long road toward inner healing and, along the way, uncovered the resentment and anger I was carrying in my soul. In fact, one of the reasons Gaspar and I got into inner healing so many years ago was because of the past hurts we each carried. So what does healing have to do with forgiveness?

old and new — Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

We must go back to move forward

When a couple comes into the Breaking Free office for counseling, we often suggest that they both go through inner healing prayer before they even start counseling. Why? Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.

Uncovering and identifying past wounds from childhood begins to open the couple’s eyes to how these hurts have—not only affected them individually, but still are—affecting their marriage. Often, we must go back before we can go forward (Gaspar wrote a great blog about this). Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.

Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.

In marriage, we hurt each other. It’s inevitable. And forgiveness is the most effective way to heal. If you’re still thinking “But you don’t know what he/she did.” No, I don’t. And like I said before, my heart hurts for the pain you’re going through, and my prayer is to see you freed from that pain. But I know from my own personal experience and years of counseling others, that the only way that pain will go away is by forgiving them.

Stop killing yourself

Trying to punish your partner by hanging on to anger and bitterness only hurts you. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiving an offending spouse isn’t a sign of weakness. Nor does it mean you’re condoning your husband or wife’s actions. Forgiving means that you want to let go of the pain and begin to heal. You want to please God and move forward.

Forgiving means that you want to let go of the pain and begin to heal.
You want to please God and move forward.

Think about it. The greatest gift God gave us is the gift of forgiveness—through Jesus giving His life for us. He liberally pours out His unconditional forgiveness on us and in us so that we, in turn, can forgive others.

Choosing to forgive is one of the healthiest, most transformative decisions you can ever make for your marriage—and for yourself. Please know that you can forgive. Make the choice and God will give you the help you need to heal what’s broken.

For more on this topic, read Gaspar’s blog post Forgiveness: The breakfast of champions or mine When forgiving is hard….

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

Understanding the seasons of marriage

November 27, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

0 Comment

Marriage, Relationship with God

Everything in life grows, changes, moves and matures according to seasons. This includes your marriage. Depending on the season your marriage is in, you can do things that you couldn’t do at other times. Once you understand this principal, you can find a place of peace and prosperity regardless of all the benefits and limitations of this present moment.

To everything, a season

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven” (AMP). In other words, if you are trying to accomplish something in your marriage and it isn’t the right season, your efforts will likely end in frustration and anger. For example, you want to increase intimacy with your spouse. Trying to force open that door will only delay the change you seek.

Too often couples find themselves out of season with their desires, and they wind up living continually out of season. They dress for winter and feel its chill all their life; meanwhile spring, summer and fall come and go unnoticed. It takes a sensitive heart to know when the cycle changes.

Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call 239.244.3912 or visit our website.

The danger of offense

We can miss the changes that signal winter becoming spring if we let the spirit of offense rule our everyday married life. It’s easy to feel hurt when your mate doesn’t respond to your likes and desires. Then bitterness sets in when you try to force them to change against their will.

Bitterness can blind you to change. But it doesn’t have to. Ask God to forgive you for not recognizing the seasons of your marriage. Then commit to be on the alert for the periodic changes that signal the start of a new cycle. It’s possible to live your whole marriage out of season. It’s like trying to dance to a song you like but you have no rhythm, and you feel and look awkward.

Like a beautiful dance, each marriage has its own rhythm. When you discover it, this rhythm will bring you both into a place of unity and wholeness. Here are a few signs to look for that signal the start of a new marriage season. However, realize that once the season begins to change, it’s up to you to enter it and do what you couldn’t do before.

Signs of change

1). Attitude changes. All of a sudden, you have a change of heart toward things that you once resisted or were set against. That’s one sign that your marriage is entering into a new cycle or season.

2). Romance increases. One spouse becomes more attentive in touching, embracing and kissing for no special reason. That is another sure sign that your marriage is entering a new season.

3). Communication grows. When one spouse seeks to talk or openly share their thoughts and feelings more than ever before, this too signals a change in season.

4). More time spent at home. Maybe your spouse stops avoiding being at home. Again, that’s a sure sign of a season change.

Set the right atmosphere

There are many other signs of change to look for. But the most important thing to remember is your attitude. Your positive response to these signals is imperative in order to benefit from each new cycle of life. No, you can’t change the season of your marriage, but you can set the atmosphere for it.

Free your heart from any anger and bitterness toward your mate. Instead exhibit patience and have faith that God’s plan for your marriage will come to pass. And, if you have missed or misinterpreted previous cycles in your marriage because of things I mentioned earlier, don’t worry. Life is cyclical. Those seasons will come around again.

Whatever season your marriage is in right now, it’s always the right time to sow patience and understanding. Only then you will succeed in reaping true happiness.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

Hope in the face of failure

November 20, 2021 Gaspar Anastasi

0 Comment

Marriage, Relationship with God

First, a setback is not a failure

I developed a saying over the years that you’ll hear me use often: “Don’t let your setback cause you to step back”. What I mean is: Just because a certain plan failed doesn’t mean your dreams failed.

Every marriage experiences setbacks from time to time. When the strategies and plans that you make as a couple to see your goals, dreams and visions come to pass fail miserably—that’s what I call a major setback. However, I see too many couples give up at this point. Quitting—that’s the failure, not the setback.

For instance, maybe together you decided to take quarterly time away as a couple/family. But because of unexpected circumstances, your plans fell apart. Or maybe you both agreed to put money aside each week for future investments. But one of you spent what you both agreed to save. Regardless of the disappointment, setbacks aren’t a signal to quit and give up on your dreams.

Now prepare for success

Here are some pointers to help you both overcome the temptation to step back from your dreams and, instead, stay focused and hopeful.

1). Be clear about your dreams and visions. One or both of you may not be convinced in your heart that this is what you really want to do or the direction to take. Sometimes we say “yes” just to avoid conflict. In other words, we’re not always honest about our feelings. Maybe that decision seemed great at the time, but you didn’t count the cost. You didn’t know what it would take to see it through. Your dreams and visions must become a burning passion inside both of your hearts.

Is it a good or GOD idea?

2). Be sure it’s what God wants for your marriage. There are three entities in marriage: you, your spouse and the marriage itself. Sometimes a certain choice isn’t convenient for one or the other spouse, but it is what’s best for the marriage. It might appear to be a great idea, but make sure it’s a God idea. As Michele said in her 2-part blog posts “You, me and Him”, the point of couple’s devotions is to hear from God together—not just one of you. Yes, take the time to hear the heart of God individually, but wait until there is unity before planning strategies to accomplish your dreams and visions.

3). Be prepared for your enemy to test your marriage dreams and visions. Satan will always challenge your marriage destiny. However, your flesh can also get in the way, but it must be denied. In order for God’s dreams and visions to come to pass, you both have to live a disciplined life. So count the cost before you go forward. God doesn’t always change your challenges, but He will often change the both of you to meet those challenges. That’s what it means to live by faith.

4). Finally above all, trust God to make it come to pass—not your mate. Ultimately, only He can navigate our marriage safely through all of the land mines of life and bring your marriage into its destiny. Remember this: Things aren’t always as they appear. Don’t make quick decisions based on your circumstances. That opens the door for the devil to convince you to step back from your marriage dreams and visions.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…

You, me and Him—pt. 2

November 13, 2021 Michele Anastasi

0 Comment

Marriage, Relationship with God

To recap last week’s blog post: Having devotions as a couple is very important. I’m convinced that Adam and Eve were quite used to God coming and meeting with them. I think it would be odd if God’s first visit came only after they had sinned. God walking with Adam and Eve suggests His close, intimate relationship with His children—which includes us. I got the revelation that God did this often, perhaps daily “in the cool of the day”. Unlike them however, you and I don’t need to be afraid to face the Father because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

Power comes in pairs

Prayer is a very important part of your devotions. God speaks to us through His Word, and He also wants to hear from us in prayer. The Bible teaches us to pray on our own but also together.

Years ago, Gaspar and I were praying individually for one of our children. It was a pretty serious situation, and we had been praying for about a year with no change. This was way before we started spending time with God together. I guess it was out of desperation that we started to cry out to God together. The answer we were believing for came one week later. That convinced to us that there was definitely greater power when we prayed together.

Getting started

If you and your spouse haven’t prayed together before, it may take some time to feel comfortable. Start with each of you spending just a few minutes praying aloud and, before long, your prayer time will increase naturally.

Prayer is also a way to seek God’s wisdom together. As you pray and come into agreement on issues, it builds trust and strength in your marriage. Praying together reminds you that God is the source and center of your lives.

And finally, as with all other spiritual disciplines you’re setting a positive example for your children. Prayer is a learned behavior, and your act of faith and trust in God is one that your children will learn by example. When your kids see their parents reading the Word and praying together, they will see the value you place on it and will practice the same habits.

Sample Devotion

This sample devotion was borrowed from author Michelle Peterson’s #Stay Married: A Couple’s Devotional (Althea Press, 2017) and edited for the purposes of this blog post.

Some recommended devotionals…

Newlywed Couple’s Devotional by Chris & Jamie Bailey

Preparing Your Heart for Marriage by Gary Thomas

Christian Marriage Devotional for Couples by Teri Reeves

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?…