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What’s time got to do with it?

God wants you to have a great marriage, but sometimes we work against His will. Truly, we talk about positive steps we can take to grow and strengthen our marriages. But rarely do we take note of the steps we make that destroy our marriage. So let me share a few very important ways couples cause their relationships to grow cold and even die. 

By the way, you don’t have to be a non-Christian for these marital ills to work against you. We may think that going to church and reading our Bibles once in a while will make our marriages fireproof. That thinking only blinds us to the smoldering embers ready to ignite. When we enter into our marriage covenant, few of us see failure—quite the opposite. In our minds, we envision living happily ever after with the one who captured our heart… the one who chose us above all others. Right?

But somehow, we forget the steps that brought us to the altar in the first place—that place of true joy, happiness and fulfillment. Let me jog your memory and hopefully help you turn the ship around to fulfill the God-given dreams and expectations you both had. 

Time with them

Remember how you used to make time for each other, no matter what?  Even though you had a full-time job among many other demands and distractions, your girl/your guy was always your top priority. Remember the many sacrifices you made to safeguard those precious moments together?  Above all others, they came first… 

Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them.

Fast forward a few years and you let so many other things get in the way of what used to be non-negotiable. Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them. What happened? What changed? 

Time with Him

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It’s never too late to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

We also get very lax in our relationship with God—personally and as a couple. Remember when you used to invest time praying for your future mate, never letting a day go by when you didn’t lift them up. We made sure God was the most important asset in our new life together.

Sadly, our relationship with God is usually the first to take a hit when we get married. We stop seeking Him for ourselves and for our partner’s protection and peace. We also quit praying together for our marriage success. God gets put on the shelf even for the most important things in life. 

This immediately opens the door for satan. Of course, our enemy gets to work making us hurt each other through rejection, anger, bitterness, etc. Thus, the walls of protection begin to come down around us. Couples start to take each other’s love, acts of kindness and mercy for granted and even respond instead with sarcasm and condemnation.  

Return to your first love

Thankfully, all of these things I mentioned can be reversed.  Choose to get out of denial and admit that you have left your first love for God and your mate. No, these problems didn’t happen overnight, but they will likely continue to grow the longer we refuse to stop and take inventory. Look at how far your marriage has fallen from your original dreams and hopeful expectations. Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success. 

By now, you may have given up trying to make your marriage work— much less make it better. You think the scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for too long. Failure is not a given; so the choice is yours. God didn’t create you to fail, nor to be hopeless. 

Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success. 

The Lord doesn’t lose

The Lord has never lost a battle. And, because He is with you, you are on the winning side.You can win the battle against indifference, lack of desire and the impulse to give up. Remember: What God has put together, let no man (and that includes you, your husband and your wife) put asunder. In other words, choose NOT to give up on your marriage. 

Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we start the climb back up, with God’s help. Of course, if you exchange the formula for disaster for the formula for success, you are bound to win. For your marriage to work, you both must choose the right priorities and the right principles. 

As I said in the beginning, it is God’s will that you have a great marriage. But He leaves the choice up to you. Keep in mind that, at some future time, He will ask you what you did with His Word and with His Son Jesus. As a Christian, giving up is not an option because God has given you all the tools you need to succeed. Start your greatest comeback as a couple. God is with you!


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What exactly is godly submission?

We were in a small group of couples a few weeks ago when the topic of submission in marriage came up. It didn’t take long for sparks to fly. Every man and woman had a different opinion or story to share. Thankfully, my husband stepped in with God’s opinion and tempers began to cool down. We can argue with each other all day long, but no one in the group wanted to dispute the Word of God.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function. God holds every husband accountable for the way his family is managed. Most of the husbands in our group didn’t come right out and say it, but they inferred that being the head of their home meant whatever they say is law. 

Given authority vs earned authority

Godly headship involves not only “given” authority because God says the husband is the head, but it includes “earned” authority. The husband earns authority because of the quality of life and character he displays before his family.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love. The apostle Paul wrote “husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus loves us unconditionally. He didn’t say, “I’ll love you if you obey me and do everything I say.” No, His love is unconditional no matter how we respond to Him.

Jesus displayed His love for us by sacrificing His own life. When a husband puts his family first before his own needs and desires, he not only operates in his “given” authority, but he has earned their hearts as well. He has a family that wants to follow his lead out of love and respect.

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It’s never too late to make your marriage great! For marriage counseling or coaching, call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Let me tell you…

Submission did not come easy to this strong-willed girl. The first time I heard about submission in marriage was shortly after I became a Christian, and I said to the sweet woman leading the Bible Study, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Well she wasn’t, and neither were the scriptures she shared with me that day. She patiently dealt with my baby Christian rough edges.

She explained that my earthly marriage was to be a reflection of my relationship with Christ. It made me think how many times I fail to submit to Jesus—my perfect, loving Savior. How many times I choose not to trust Him and insist on doing things my way. Ouch! Believe me, submission was and still is a struggle at times, but God lovingly deals with my heart. I’m also blessed with a very patient husband who shows me much grace.

The truth is, when we refuse to submit to our husbands we’re really saying, “God, you clearly don’t have control here. Do you see what my husband is doing? This decision is a bad one, and You aren’t doing anything about it. I’ll just step in and help You, until You have time to fix it.”

What does godly submission look like?

For wives…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

  • accepting bad behavior
  • allowing abuse or violence
  • giving sex on demand
  • allowing your husband to control your relationships with God or family

It does mean

  • showing your husband respect
  • building him up
  • honoring him
  • following him as he leads you in a Christlike way.

For husbands…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

  • forcing your wife to yield to your demands through control or intimidation.

It does mean

  • you lead with the same unconditional love, sacrifice and servanthood that Christ demonstrated.
  • like Christ, you give yourself in a way that makes her want to submit to your leading.

God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

Let’s not forget that submission in marriage is difficult for both husbands and wives, because we have a very real enemy who uses this topic to stir up hurt and negative feelings. Be patient and show each other grace. The benefits make it well worth the effort to keep at it. God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.


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The power of encouragement

In marriage as in life, it’s easy to ridicule each other’s weaknesses and faults, to pour cold water on your mate’s enthusiasm. The world is full of discouragers. But as Christians, we have a duty to love and encourage one another just as God encourages us. Often, just receiving a word of praise, thanks, or appreciation from my wife has kept me on my feet and given me strength to fight through life’s difficulties.

Be otherly

Because human beings tend to be self-centered, criticism comes as naturally to us as flying does to an eagle. In fact, our selfishness makes it easier to criticize than to encourage. We can discourage our mate daily without considering the damage our words and behavior create. When our focus is mainly on self, we don’t think about the other person’s feelings—only our own. 

I encourage you: Strive to be “otherly”. Find ways to edify or lift up your mate with your words and behavior. The very thing that you need from them you will receive once you give it. It’s not all about you. It’s really about God and your relationship with your mate. 

We live in God’s kingdom which is upside-down. The world says “Take what you need and put yourself first.” But God says, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38). It’s the law of sowing and reaping. We reap what we sow. 

Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.

Luke 6:38
woman and man hugging
Your willingness to sow kindness and encouragement will reap amazing results for your marriage!

Sticks and stones

The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” simply isn’t true. That’s why I have made it a habit to carefully evaluate my communication pattern to avoid negative and critical speech. But my technique includes not just my words, but also my tone of voice and actions. It’s possible to say one thing with our lips and relay an entirely different message with our behavior. Bottom line: Our heart has to be right with God before it can be right with our mate. “For out of the abundance of the heart [our] mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). When we fail to encourage, when we’re critical, we slowly chip away at the foundation of our own marriage. 

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Matt. 12:34

You might have been raised that way. Maybe your parents used negative words to motivate you to do what they wanted. So, without realizing it, you brought that same detrimental behavior into your marriage. Think how much your parents’ hurtful words didn’t motivate you, and they won’t work on your spouse either. Instead, they built walls between you—maybe even to this day. If you see those same walls rising between you and your mate, it’s time to make a change. 

Thorns into roses

Your willingness to sow kindness and encouragement (to be otherly) will reap amazing results for your marriage! To get you started, here are some edifying words to insert into your daily communications with your mate. 

  • I appreciate you because __________________
  • I admire you for __________________
  • Thank you for __________________
  • You made me feel loved when __________________
  • I like being with you because __________________  
  • You look terrific in that __________________
  • I’m so blessed that you’re my ___________________

Just sprinkling words of kindness like these into your marriage daily will radically transform your relationship from a patch of thorns to a bed of roses. You’ll need the help of the Holy Spirit to remind you and instruct you how and when to say them.

Bad habits take time to break, but it’s worth the effort. Make yourself available to hear from the Holy Spirit. This right turn toward encouragement and away from criticism will start you on a journey to jubilee—the recovery of everything that has been lost from your marriage or stolen by the enemy. Trust me, it works!


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Building blocks for a strong marriage (pt2)

There’s another important building block to a strong marriage—one that most couples would agree is essential, but very few have mastered. Communication. I doubt anyone would disagree with me about how crucial good communication is in marriage. In fact some might place it before other building blocks I listed in last week’s blog. But again, very few of us have conquered this challenge. 

For some of us, our upbringing and poor role-modeling from our parents have hampered us. We bring their bad habits into our married lives and continue failing to relate well to each other. In fact, I believe the inability to communicate is responsible for most divorces today. Therefore, good communication must be a priority if we are going to see our marriages become successful. 

broken fixed
It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! For marriage counseling, coaching and pre-marital counseling, call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

5. Work to communicate.

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively. One mate is usually better at it than the other. This can cause a sense of inferiority and shame in the one who struggles to express themselves. So partners must both work together, patiently letting each speak what’s on their heart without fear of ridicule or condemnation. 

Good communication takes work both individually and collectively.

In our marriage, I was the one who struggled to communicate. I grew up in a home where children were to be seen and not heard. So I learned to bottle up my emotions, unsure how to say what I really felt. My wife, on the other hand, was brought up differently and had no problem expressing her feelings to me. This created a lot of separation between us. Michele would always hound me to open up to her. But, until I got set free from my own sense of shame and inferiority, I would just shut down. 

For those of you who struggle like I did, I highly recommend Stop Hurting Start Healing, so that God can bring inner healing in your life. As a result, I have seen many married partners receive healing in this area and excel in their marriage with good— if not great—levels of communication. So be patient with each other and recognize that your investment in learning to communicate well will pay great dividends.

6. Labor to love.

Another important building block is unconditional love. The name is self-explanatory and underlines the difference from all other kinds of love. Conditional love (though no one calls it that) has conditions, dependent on behavior, performance and often a time line. 

The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way God does.

That’s why it takes God Himself in the Person of the Holy Spirit to love unconditionally. The Holy Spirit in you will help you see your mate the same way that God does. Let me give you a brief description of how He sees us. 

He calls us the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8) and views us with no fault, sin, bad attitudes, or destructive habit patterns (Hebrews 8:12) . He looks at you as His creation who is as valuable as He is, made with the same material (Genesis 1:26). That’s how we see our mates through eyes of unconditional love.

Yes, it takes the Holy Spirit in you to accomplish (Romans 5:5). But when you start treating each other that way, satan loses his power over you both. Why? The love of God is your greatest weapon against the devil.

It takes time and a labor of love to see these building blocks present and operational in your marriage. But it’s worth it. I know; I’m married 55 years and life is good!


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Building blocks for a strong marriage (pt 1)

When building a new house, we start with the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure turns out to be, without a good foundation, it will fall apart. I remember our first house had a problem with the foundation. Because it was built on unstable ground, it settled unevenly. The floors on one side of our new home were higher than the other. It was like climbing up or down a steep hill depending on what side you were on. As you can imagine, this imbalance in the physical structure created unneeded stress in our daily lives. 

The same is true of marriage. When the foundation isn’t right, the rest of your union is negatively affected. That’s why the first building block for a successful marriage is a solid foundation. What makes a strong marriage foundation? First, you and your mate need to have the same values as a couple. 

1. Establish godly values.

Many of us don’t think about our own values, much less our mate’s until well into the marriage. It’s after the honeymoon season is over that we begin to see our many differences. What’s important to one of you doesn’t matter to the other. 

Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, align them with His values.

STRESS-EASE
It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! For marriage counseling, coaching and pre-marital counseling, call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

This difference in values many times creates imbalance in our relationship. When you notice these contrasts, make time to discuss them. Don’t try to overlook them and hope that they’ll work themselves out. They won’t. In fact, over time these value differences have the potential to destroy your marriage. 

Godly values are essential to a solid marriage. Luke 6:48 compares those of us who hear God’s word and put it into practice to a wise builder: “They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built (NIV).” 

What does it mean to dig deep? Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, make sure they line up with His values.

By the way, happiness should never be a marriage value, because you will always be disappointed. Happiness is a fruit that grows out of godly values within marriage. But remember: It’s never too late to make your marriage great! 

2. Know who your enemy is.

Understand that satan will do everything he can to destroy your unity while remaining undetected. He dupes the husband and wife into thinking their mate is their enemy. So many couples remain blind to the spiritual warfare that they’re facing daily, and satan likes it that way. 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

The devil is like a chameleon blending in with its environment. Couples need to get the revelation that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).” 

Recognizing your enemy is critical. Be smart. Discuss his strategies with each other and expose the tactics he is using against you. 

MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE
It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy.

3. Commit to doing your part daily.

Marriage has a way of bringing out the best and worst in each other. And the tendency is to zero in on our mate’s failures while excusing our own. Couples could improve their marriage greatly if each partner simply took responsibility for their own failures and addressed them. Yes, it takes courage. But admitting your weaknesses and being willing to work on them will improve your marriage immensely! Be transparent with each other.

4. Don’t withhold affection.

Two becoming one involves a healthy sex life. An unhealthy one causes great damage; and satan works greatly in this area (1 Cor.7:5).  It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy, and that requires a proper view of sex. However, we should never violate our mate’s conscience when it comes to sexual intimacy. There needs to be agreement on what our values are in this area. There’s much to talk about regarding this topic, but suffice it to say that sex within marriage is God’s will; and sex outside of marriage is a breach of our covenant with our mate and with Him. 

What foundation is your marriage built on? What areas do you need to address and change? Remember, it takes courage to build your marriage on a godly foundation.


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Sometimes it takes three

I had lunch with a dear friend last week, and she shared that she and her husband have separated. This isn’t the first time. They’ve been down this painful road before… but they keep trying because they really do love each other. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to live with. She assured me this time is the last, that the marriage is over. Even as she said it, we both knew it wasn’t. What she was really saying is “I want the pain to stop.”

The dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for.

How can something God Himself designed be surrounded by so much pain? God never instituted anything to make us miserable, so the problem must lie with us. And probably at the root of it is the fact that one or both of you have drifted away from your relationship with God.

Two become one
It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

More than a promise

Marriage is a covenant, which is much more than a promise. God’s plan is for marriage to last until death do you part. The covenant goes three ways—not just between you and your spouse, but—between you, your spouse, and God.

It’s no secret that Gaspar and I have been separated and on the verge of divorce a couple of times. So when I say the dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for, I speak from experience. You married each other because you were in love. Your heart’s desire was a marriage that made you both happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong, and what can you do to get it back?

Believe in resurrection

Your marriage can live again, but not without work. Some of you may be thinking like my friend, We’ve tried before… It won’t work. Or maybe you’re thinking I’m not even sure if I want this marriage anymore.

We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory.

Before I go any further, let me say: If there is any abuse at all in your marriage, separate immediately and don’t even think of reconciliation until the abusing spouse gets professional help. 

For other marriages where sin makes staying together more damaging than being apart, a temporary separation might help. Keep in mind that the goal of separation is always reconciliation—not to go back to the way things were. The “way things were” contributed to where you are now. 

Don’t go it alone

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get some counsel. Talk to your pastor or a qualified Christian marriage counselor and agree on a plan you’ll both work on. It’s fine if you meet separately for a time, but it’s critical for you both you to commit to regular counseling—even if you think you’ve done nothing wrong, and your spouse is the problem. You both need to learn new ways of relating to each other. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get counsel.

After a difficult season in your marriage, the peace and calm of living alone can feel wonderful. Don’t take that as a sign from God that you should divorce. See it for what it really is: a time of healing and growth. A time to draw closer to the Lord. A time to get into His Word and pray. A time where God can reveal areas of your life that you need to surrender to Him. 

God wants to heal your marriage, but He also wants you to become more like Jesus in the process. We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory. He did it for us; He can do it for you.


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