We not me

March 9, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

When we marry, we all must adjust our thinking from “me” to “we”. In the past, our decisions centered on what blessed me and what was better for my life. We didn’t think about what was good for our mate. Rarely did we ask ourselves “Will this decision work for the both of us?” It’s a natural human tendency to be selfish and self-centered.

Remember, Jesus taught his disciples to pray “Our Father who art in heaven”. God is not only my Father, but your Father as well. In other words, if my prayers and desires are just about me, He won’t answer them! If what you are asking won’t bless your mate as well, He will turn a deaf ear. Why? Because selfishness is not the will of God.

If my prayers are just about me, He won’t answer them!

It takes Him

It took a few years to change my view of marriage from how it could benefit me to how it could bless us. The closer God drew me to Himself, the more I recognized my own selfishness. Changing our thinking from “me” to “we” will drastically cut down on the many conflicts we face. In fact, I believe that many of our marriage problems would disappear completely. This adjustment in thought and lifestyle will also point out our need for more of God’s presence in our lives.

This shift from me-thinking to we-thinking requires Him. Only the Holy Spirit can help you to accomplish this goal. Couples, after all, are more than roommates. Your partner must be included in every decision you make. When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to start making choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell.

This is a powerful revelation you need to—not only grasp, but—live out. You don’t need to force your mate to join you. It will become a revelation to them when you consistently live the “we-not-me” married life. Just live it out, and watch how life changes for the better in a very short time. It doesn’t need to be a point of discussion, but a transformative action on your part.

When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to make choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell.

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Self in action

One husband I counseled had decided to buy a very expensive recreational vehicle—without first discussing it with his wife. He thought, “Now that I’m retired, I’m gonna travel and enjoy my life!” However, he didn’t want his wife’s opinion to influence his decision. And traveling the country in an RV was not her idea of a good time. In fact, it was the opposite of what she wanted to do. But he couldn’t see how self-centered his decision was.

Obviously, his choice created a major conflict in their marriage. Not only that, his RV put them both in great financial debt. It wasn’t his wife’s choice, but he made that decision anyway and it created a great division. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it were just this one decision. But this choice is just one example of an on-going lifestyle of “me-not-we”.

Unity starts with u

Now take a few minutes and reflect on how you have been living your married life. Has it been all about me—and not us? Do you have a lot of conflict because you’re not getting what you want or doing it your way? Has bitterness crept in because you feel your mate doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings?

Living like roommates isn’t what we sign up for when we marry, but many couples do just that. We…. It only takes one person to change, and he or she will cause the whole marriage to shift from me, myself and I. It is worth the effort to examine your heart, and let God make you more like Him. Your happiness and fulfillment as a married couple depends on it.

One person can shift the whole marriage from me, myself and I.

This one revelation can change your life. Even though marriage is a team effort, this transformation must start with you. And it needs to start right now! Reading this blog should raise some conviction in your heart. Will you allow the Holy Spirit to take you to the next step: repentance? Repent of your selfishness in your marriage. Be honest, and let God help you become the best marriage partner your mate could ever have. You won’t be sorry, and neither will they. Start right now and don’t put it off until tomorrow. It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

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Who says it’s over?

January 20, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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Finding direction, Healing in marriage

After a few years of marriage, Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits! We went to a counselor who told us we were the two most incompatible people he had ever met, and we had two choices: Either divorce, or stay together and make each other miserable for the rest of our lives. Wow! And we paid good money for that advice!

In February, Gaspar and I will be married 57 years—no divorce. And, yes, we make each other miserable at times. Most couples do. I think that’s why we have such a heart for marriages and have always made ministry to couples a big part of the church.

What is God’s opinion?

In over 40 years of ministry, we’ve had the opportunity to counsel many married couples, newlyweds, oldie-weds and everything in between. Unfortunately, like Gaspar and I, couples don’t usually come for counsel until they’ve just about given up on their marriage.

Every time we talk with a couple on the verge of divorce, I can’t help but think… One day these two were madly in love with each other. They couldn’t wait to say, “I do.” And now they can hardly stand being in the same room. When couples reach the conclusion that they should have never married… It was a mistake… They need to just end it… that’s when I want to blow a whistle and say, “Time-out guys! Who said it’s a mistake?” Your feelings? Your best friend who thinks your husband’s a jerk? Or his mother who thinks you’re a terrible wife? Where’s my whistle!

A lie many couples buy into is: “If I’m unhappy and suffering, I obviously married the wrong person.”

Okay, before you pack your bags and call the attorney, let me ask you a question: “Does God think your marriage is a big mistake?” Usually one or the other will say, “I don’t know, but I’m sure a loving God doesn’t want us to stay in this painful, miserable marriage.” I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard various versions of that response.

I agree, God doesn’t enjoy seeing His children suffer. He hurts when we hurt, but that doesn’t mean He believes your marriage is a mistake. It means you’re unhappy (very unhappy) and you “feel” like your marriage is a mistake. One lie many couples have bought into is: “If I’m unhappy and suffering, I obviously married the wrong person.”

A higher plan maybe?

Sometimes I’ll ask the wife, “Did you suffer during childbirth?” The answer is obvious. To her husband: “Were you in the delivery room?” Most husband’s are nowadays. And most men admit they’ve never seen such tremendous pain and suffering.

“Can you both agree the suffering was worth the end result?” If you can accept that, then just maybe the pain you’re in right now isn’t proof that you married the wrong person. The pain is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed in your marriage. That’s different from saying your marriage is a mistake.

C.S. Lewis said (and I paraphrase): “Pain is God’s megaphone. It gets our attention.” God may be using this difficult time to change and mature you. You may not realize it, but just maybe God has a higher plan, an unseen purpose for your marriage. And that’s why the enemy is trying so hard to destroy it.

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
C.S. Lewis

When Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits because we were the two most incompatible people ever, little did we know that God had a bigger plan! About five years later Gaspar was ordained, and Word of Life Ministries was born. Just a couple of years after that, the New Life Dream Centers were started. So many lives touched and changed! Was it worth the suffering and pain of our early years? Most definitely.

End of self, beginning of God

If you’re willing to take a step of faith and believe that God is bigger than your current problems, you may discover that He has so much more for you together. What seems like a big mistake may turn out to be a part of His master plan.

We were the two most incompatible people ever. Little did we know that God had a bigger plan!

We usually ask couples to give us 6-8 weeks to pray and counsel with them. In cases where there’s been physical threats or abuse, separation is necessary—and much deeper counseling. Even when there is no abuse, some couples may benefit from a short period of separation for emotions to calm down, to stop arguing and saying things that make matters worse.

Fighting for your marriage may be the hardest thing you ever do. At some point you’ll probably feel like you can’t do it. When you come to the end of yourself you can come to the beginning of God. In Him all things in this world are held together. Let Him hold you and your marriage together.

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How to outlast storms and still stand

January 13, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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Healing in marriage, unity in marriage

There is one key that—not only holds marriages together, but—brings them into the fullness of God’s glory. That one key is comprised of at least five core values. Values are those things that you have deep convictions about in your heart. Values are non-negotiable. They govern the direction your marriage takes and form its walls of protection.

Values are like the fence around your house. That fence defines, protects and identifies your house and its property. That’s what having at least five core values does for your marriage. Now we all have values individually but, most of the time, we don’t recognize them. These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day. Sadly, those same principles—when brought into your marriage—often cause conflict.

These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day.

Conflicting values

One spouse may place high value on their social life, and he or she pursues social interactions all the time. Meanwhile, the other mate values the opposite. They desire personal intimacy and that is their major focus. Both are good values, but they oppose each other and will eventually bring conflict in the marriage.

Couples need to decide what values are most important for their marriage, even if certain ones are unimportant to the other. The marriage needs to be the major focus and not our own selfish needs and desires. Remember there are three entities in a marriage: You, your spouse and your marriage itself. Ultimately, a couples’ decisions should always come down to what’s best for their marriage—not what’s best for either individual.

Define, define, define

So take the time to identify what your marriage values should be, and discuss them with your mate. Talk about whether or not those ideals are already in place and, if not, what you can do as a couple to build them in.

These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple.

Identifying your current values will help you to decide which ones to let go of and which ones to embrace. These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple. You will never reach that place of marriage wholeness unless you have at least 5 core values that become the foundation of your marriage.

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A tale of two marriages

Matthew 7:24-27 describes two kinds of houses (we’ll say marriages). One marriage is built on a foundation of sand (having no defined core values). The other is built on a solid rock (having very well-defined values). Both couples face the same troubles in life, but the marriage without a strong foundation is destroyed. The one built on the rock survived the same storms that took the other one out, but didn’t collapse. Rather, that marriage stood firm in the midst of all the problems it faced.

Your values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection.

Let me suggest a few marriage values that you and your spouse might like to build upon. Though values are necessary for success, this list is by no means a guarantee for achieving success. Values must come from both of your hearts. These values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection. It is definitely worth taking the time to discover what those ideals need to be for you as a couple.

Suggested values

Loving God. This one is a no-brainer, and every marriage needs to stand on it as a foundational principle. Whenever you put God first, everything just seems to work out better—no matter what storms come. I believe that we really don’t have financial or relationship problems. We have lordship problems. But when both mates pursue God as the number one value, the best is yet to come—and always will be!
Honesty is another value I highly recommend. You could define honesty as a willingness to be transparent with one another without having to pay a price. Most marriages fail because of poor communication. However, if you both establish honesty as a marriage value, your communication level will increase exponentially.
Happiness is a core value I would NOT recommend. It sounds funny to say it, but if you make happiness a foundation for your marriage, you will be very disappointed… and your marriage will fail. Happiness is a fruit of having core values—but not a value itself. Yes, we all want happiness, but it will only result from a lot of hard work and living out our marriage values. If you read my blog from 2 weeks ago, you know that a good marriage requires self-sacrifice. But in the end, it will produce the fruit of happiness.

Can you name at least 3 more core values that you think should be added to a marriage? I would be interested in hearing from you.

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How to be unoffendable

December 23, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Healing in marriage

In marriage, it’s easy to get offended practically every day, maybe several times a day. Even though we usually shake it off and go about our lives, over time offense builds walls between us. Hurt feelings subtly change our attitudes and behaviors toward one another. It happens slowly, almost imperceptibly until you wake up one day and think I don’t love you anymore. I don’t know why I married you in the first place.

Let me encourage you: It’s never too late to make your marriage great! The principles I’m about to share with you could radically change your heart to believe the best is yet to come. Remember that what seems impossible for us is possible with God. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6, NLT

Discover the power of forgiveness

1. Realize they’re not wicked

Recognize that your mate isn’t wicked, but weak. See them through God’s eyes and recognize that, like you and me, they are flawed human beings. And the main weakness is selfishness. They only think of themselves. However, your partner is not your enemy. Satan is, and he tempts us to see our mates as wicked. He wants to make you bitter, because bitterness will ultimately destroy your marriage. If not dealt with immediately, it defiles you and your mate. Like Michele said in a previous blog, it’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Offense turns into unforgiveness and then bitterness. Children and animals are the perfect picture of an unoffendable spirit. Animals kill prey, but only to satisfy their hunger. A child cries when they are corrected, but moments later, will crawl into their parent’s lap, hugging and kissing them like nothing happened. They don’t live with bitterness and hatred. Oh, to be like a little child…

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2. Seek mercy

Seek mercy instead of justice. The Word tells us that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13). We are to live that way with everyone who has offended us. Justice demands that God punish our partner for their bad behavior. Well guess what… We have all behaved badly, but God didn’t judge you. Instead, He had mercy on you and forgave you by sending Jesus to die for all your weaknesses. Don’t ask for justice, but show your mate mercy like Jesus gives you every day by forgiving you of your weaknesses.

3. Stop eating dead things

Eating dead things is binging on offenses that happened in the past. Chickens walk around eating dead things—even their own feces. Chickens flap their wings, but they can’t fly. Don’t let the enemy bring “dead” hurts to mind over and over. Rather, throw off those offenses and let God raise you up to soar above them like an eagle.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Forsake offense

Too many of us feed on dead things (past offenses that have occurred in our marriages). Offense bars us from getting into the spirit realm and receiving God’s revelation that would set us free. Stop walking around like a chicken, flapping our wings but never rising up.

Right now, forgive your husband or wife. Forgiveness will get you out of the chicken coup and soaring in the wind like an eagle (Isaiah 40:31). When you forgive, God’s presence will be released immediately into your heart. Rediscover your first love for your partner. Nursing an offended spirit will undo all that’s good in your marriage. Remember: Forgiving one another isn’t a suggestion. It’s God’s command.

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Why the storm won’t win

December 16, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Healing in marriage

Are you in a difficult place in your marriage? Don’t think that you’re alone. Every marriage goes through hard, dry times. You may feel stuck and distant from your spouse, arguing more than communicating. Sometimes it’s just a passing season of busyness and misunderstanding. Other times, it can span years.

How do you stay strong and weather bad times when everything in you wants to give up? When all hope is lost? When you feel your spouse has said and done hurtful things and doesn’t even want to make it better? Here are a few suggestions we hope you’ll find helpful.

How to keep standing

1. Press into God. This is first and most important. You need Him now more than ever. Seek time with Him daily. Read your Bible, fill your mind with His truths. Talk to Him. When your heart hurts and anger rises, cry out to Him.

2. Know your value. Your value is found in Him and Him alone—not anything your spouse says or does. Receive and rest in His love for you. God sees what you’re going through, and your marriage is important to Him. (Psalm 59:9-10 “You are my strength, I watch for You, God my fortress, my God on whom I can rely….”)

You are my strength, I watch for You, God my fortress, my God on whom I can rely…
Psalm 59:9-10

3. Surround yourself with mature Christians who will encourage and pray for you. Be very careful not to disparage your spouse. Your words have power and will literally bring results. Now it’s only human to want people’s compassion. But, honestly, human compassion won’t help you or your marriage. It’s much better to seek godly counsel from your Pastor or a Christian marriage counselor or coach. Ask your spouse if they would be willing to go with you. Even if they choose not to, go alone. You’ll receive godly counsel and learn some helpful tools.

4. Focus on the positive. And try with all your might to ignore the negative. I can hear you saying, “But that’s the problem. There isn’t any positive.” Think back to the traits that drew you to your husband/wife? Try to find something about your spouse to be grateful for every day—one small thing you can thank them for. And don’t be hurt if you don’t get a positive response. Just do it as unto the Lord. Thank God throughout the day for helping you and being by your side.

Only God can give you the strength to resist temptation—to stand and believe for healing in your marriage.

A word of caution

When you’re lonely and discouraged in your marriage, it’s easy to seek comfort from unhealthy pleasures. Satan loves to tempt us when we’re at our lowest point. An affair, pornography, drugs, alcohol, overeating, and overspending are all ungodly escapes that will only make matters worse. That’s why it’s so important to press into the Lord. Only God can give you the strength to resist temptation—to stand and believe for healing in your marriage.

Please know that our hearts and prayers are with you. If you need help individually or as a couple, please reach out to us at Breaking Free Wellness Center.

We would love to hear from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please comment below.

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Help for the struggling & ecstatically happy

June 24, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Healing in marriage, Marriage

A couple in our marriage group asked me to recommend a book they could read together. Without a second thought I said “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. Yes, this is the book we named our couples mentorship class after. It’s an all-time favorite of both Gaspar and I. This book truly impacted our marriage when we were going through a rough time. Sacred Marriage is a must read for every couple—dating, engaged, married, struggling, ecstatically happy…. It’s for everyone.

You can find *Sacred Marriage* at Lifeway, Faith Gateway, Christianbook, Amazon and others. Even Audible if you’re more of a listener.

Sacred Marriage is very different from most marriage books. For one thing, it puts forth the idea that the challenges in marriage are meant to draw us closer to God and mature us spiritually. But for marriage to grow us spiritually, we must be brutally honest with ourselves and each other. We need to do some soul-searching and fess-up to bad attitudes, selfishness, and unrealistic expectations. We also must rid ourselves of the notion that if we could just change our spouse to be more like us and maybe learn a few marriage principles, everything would be just fine. Been there… done that… It doesn’t work.

When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness.

Why romance is not enough

Romance is not enough. Why? Because God created marriage for a much deeper purpose than romance. He designed marriage, as Thomas says, “to make us holy more than to make us happy.” God is using our earthly marriage to prepare us to be the Bride of Christ. Unfortunately, we’ve all been influenced by the Hollywood version of love, romance, and marriage. Yes, love and romance are important to a healthy marriage, but romantic love alone doesn’t have what it takes to get you through the challenges marriage brings.

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When the honeymoon phase fades as it always does, some couples think their marriage is over, they divorce and try to find that exhilarating passion with someone new. Only to find that, in time, it fades again.

Other couples fall into an adversarial relationship—arguing, blaming each other for their unhappiness…. Instead of working together, they treat each other like enemies. Some couples become married singles, living a peaceful coexistence of separate lives. Determined couples that refuse to give up buy a copy of Sacred Marriage, read it together, get real, and get to work.

Why this mutual pursuit of Christ

This work has as much to do with your relationship with Christ as it does with each other. Only as we grow in Christ do we develop what it takes to grow deeper in our marriages. Marriage calls us to an extremely selfless way of life, impossible without Christ living big in us.

Just as Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden each day, we can find even more meaning in our marriage by pursuing Him together. Recognize that He alone can fill the emptiness in our souls. We can try to make our marriages as happy and fulfilling as possible, but what we both crave more than anything, only God can give us. When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness.

This might sound strange for a marriage book, but the ultimate purpose of Sacred Marriage is not to make you love your spouse more. But that will happen. Its purpose is to equip you to love your God more. And thankfully that will happen too.

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