Building blocks for a strong marriage (1)

When building a new house, we start with the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure turns out to be, without a good foundation, it will fall apart. I remember our first house had a problem with the foundation. Because it was built on unstable ground, it settled unevenly. The floors on one side of our new home were higher than the other. It was like climbing up or down a steep hill depending on what side you were on. As you can imagine, this imbalance in the physical structure created unneeded stress in our daily lives. 

The same is true of marriage. When the foundation isn’t right, the rest of your union is negatively affected. That’s why the first building block for a successful marriage is a solid foundation. What makes a strong marriage foundation? First, you and your mate need to have the same values as a couple. 

1. Establish godly values.

Many of us don’t think about our own values, much less our mate’s until well into the marriage. It’s after the honeymoon season is over that we begin to see our many differences. What’s important to one of you doesn’t matter to the other. 

Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, align them with His values.

This difference in values many times creates imbalance in our relationship. When you notice these contrasts, make time to discuss them. Don’t try to overlook them and hope that they’ll work themselves out. They won’t. In fact, over time these value differences have the potential to destroy your marriage. 

Godly values are essential to a solid marriage. Luke 6:48 compares those of us who hear God’s word and put it into practice to a wise builder: “They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built (NIV).” 

What does it mean to dig deep? Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, make sure they line up with His values.

By the way, happiness should never be a marriage value, because you will always be disappointed. Happiness is a fruit that grows out of godly values within marriage. But remember: It’s never too late to make your marriage great! 

2. Know who your enemy is.

Understand that satan will do everything he can to destroy your unity while remaining undetected. He dupes the husband and wife into thinking their mate is their enemy. So many couples remain blind to the spiritual warfare that they’re facing daily, and satan likes it that way. 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

The devil is like a chameleon blending in with its environment. Couples need to get the revelation that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).” 

Recognizing your enemy is critical. Be smart. Discuss his strategies with each other and expose the tactics he is using against you. 

3. Commit to doing your part daily.

Marriage has a way of bringing out the best and worst in each other. And the tendency is to zero in on our mate’s failures while excusing our own. Couples could improve their marriage greatly if each partner simply took responsibility for their own failures and addressed them. Yes, it takes courage. But admitting your weaknesses and being willing to work on them will improve your marriage immensely! Be transparent with each other.

4. Don’t withhold affection.

Two becoming one involves a healthy sex life. An unhealthy one causes great damage; and satan works greatly in this area (1 Cor.7:5).  It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy, and that requires a proper view of sex. However, we should never violate our mate’s conscience when it comes to sexual intimacy. There needs to be agreement on what our values are in this area. There’s much to talk about regarding this topic, but suffice it to say that sex within marriage is God’s will; and sex outside of marriage is a breach of our covenant with our mate and with Him. 

What foundation is your marriage built on? What areas do you need to address and change? Remember, it takes courage to build your marriage on a godly foundation.

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Slaying your marital Goliaths

When God created you and me, He didn’t form us with failure in mind. Our God—who has never failed nor lost a battle—created us in His likeness and image. His DNA flows through our veins. Now that doesn’t mean that you will never fail. It does mean, however, that failing doesn’t make you a failure. But that’s the lie our enemy satan always tries to sell us. 

Obedience attracts conflict

Whenever you take hold of God’s promises and determine to live them out, your obedience will always attract conflict. First Peter 4:12 says (and I paraphrase) “We shouldn’t be so shocked when big problems or trials arise.” When you finally decide to love each other unconditionally, that’s when the battle seems to come out of nowhere. 

Jesus says it this way in His parable of the sower (Matt. 13:1-23): When you allow God’s words of faith to be planted in your heart and you commit to walk them out, satan comes immediately to steal that seed. The moment you believe God’s promise for your marriage, that seed will be challenged by another seed — satan’s.

God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one.

God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one. The promise in God’s word is the very power that He uses to—not only create all things, but— uphold all the things He creates (Heb. 1:3). Satan’s seeds (lies) have no power except the power we give them. By believing a lie, you empower the liar. 

Accepting satan’s lies about our marriage, ourselves or our partner is crippling. God’s truth is always founded on His word. Satan’s deceptions are based on half-truths and out-and-out lies. It’s up to you to cast them down and strip them of power. The longer you entertain his thoughts, the greater the likelihood they will produce bad fruit in your home and marriage. 

Know the reason why

Again, failing doesn’t make you a failure. But worse than failing is not knowing why. Why did I get offended and blow up at my wife/husband? Why did I slam the door and yell, “I never want to talk to you again!”? How could I break our marriage covenant and get caught up in an extramarital affair? 

Failing to understand the why will keep your Goliath lording it over you the rest of your life.

So many marriages fall apart—not because you and I fail, but—because we continually do the same things over and over without identifying why. Failing to understand the why will keep your goliath lording it over you the rest of your life. You can defeat your own personal goliath (and trust me we all have one) by being honest with yourself and not blaming each other. 

God is always there to help you recover from any failure or mistake. He is not your problem. Even your goliath (whatever it might be) isn’t your problem. You become your worst enemy when you believe satan’s lies about yourself and your marriage. You wind up with too big a devil and too small a God. 

Choose these 3 smooth stones

1. Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. For some of you that’s a hard thing to do, but it’s necessary to come out of defeat and get on the road to greater and greater victories. You’ll come to the same conclusion that we all do when we’re honest before God: I’ve found the problem and it’s not my mate, my God or even my goliath. It’s me. 
2. Take responsibility. Facing yourself and being honest about why you’ve failed to be the marriage partner you could be is a major step toward victory. It will keep you from repeating the same mistakes again. 
3. Forgive yourself and ask God to refill your heart with His love and compassion for your mate. Ask Him for refreshed desire to see your marriage succeed. You see, the goliath we fight is in us. But greater is the other He in you than he that’s in this world. 

Go ahead and have a great marriage! It’s God’s design and purpose for you.

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