I had lunch with a dear friend last week, and she shared that she and her husband have separated. This isn’t the first time. They’ve been down this painful road before… but they keep trying because they really do love each other. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to live with. She assured me this time is the last, that the marriage is over. Even as she said it, we both knew it wasn’t. What she was really saying is “I want the pain to stop.”
The dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for.
How can something God Himself designed be surrounded by so much pain? God never instituted anything to make us miserable, so the problem must lie with us. And probably at the root of it is the fact that one or both of you have drifted away from your relationship with God.
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More than a promise
Marriage is a covenant, which is much more than a promise. God’s plan is for marriage to last until death do you part. The covenant goes three ways—not just between you and your spouse, but—between you, your spouse, and God.
It’s no secret that Gaspar and I have been separated and on the verge of divorce a couple of times. So when I say the dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for, I speak from experience. You married each other because you were in love. Your heart’s desire was a marriage that made you both happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong, and what can you do to get it back?
Believe in resurrection
Your marriage can live again, but not without work. Some of you may be thinking like my friend, We’ve tried before… It won’t work. Or maybe you’re thinking I’m not even sure if I want this marriage anymore.
We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory.
Before I go any further, let me say: If there is any abuse at all in your marriage, separate immediately and don’t even think of reconciliation until the abusing spouse gets professional help.
For other marriages where sin makes staying together more damaging than being apart, a temporary separation might help. Keep in mind that the goal of separation is always reconciliation—not to go back to the way things were. The “way things were” contributed to where you are now.
Don’t go it alone
A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get some counsel. Talk to your pastor or a qualified Christian marriage counselor and agree on a plan you’ll both work on. It’s fine if you meet separately for a time, but it’s critical for you both you to commit to regular counseling—even if you think you’ve done nothing wrong, and your spouse is the problem. You both need to learn new ways of relating to each other. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.
A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get counsel.
After a difficult season in your marriage, the peace and calm of living alone can feel wonderful. Don’t take that as a sign from God that you should divorce. See it for what it really is: a time of healing and growth. A time to draw closer to the Lord. A time to get into His Word and pray. A time where God can reveal areas of your life that you need to surrender to Him.
God wants to heal your marriage, but He also wants you to become more like Jesus in the process. We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory. He did it for us; He can do it for you.
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When God created you and me, He didn’t form us with failure in mind. Our God—who has never failed nor lost a battle—created us in His likeness and image. His DNA flows through our veins. Now that doesn’t mean that you will never fail. It does mean, however, that failing doesn’t make you a failure. But that’s the lie our enemy satan always tries to sell us.
Obedience attracts conflict
Whenever you take hold of God’s promises and determine to live them out, your obedience will always attract conflict. First Peter 4:12 says (and I paraphrase) “We shouldn’t be so shocked when big problems or trials arise.” When you finally decide to love each other unconditionally, that’s when the battle seems to come out of nowhere.
Jesus says it this way in His parable of the sower (Matt. 13:1-23): When you allow God’s words of faith to be planted in your heart and you commit to walk them out, satan comes immediately to steal that seed. The moment you believe God’s promise for your marriage, that seed will be challenged by another seed — satan’s.
God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one.
God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one. The promise in God’s word is the very power that He uses to—not only create all things, but— uphold all the things He creates (Heb. 1:3). Satan’s seeds (lies) have no power except the power we give them. By believing a lie, you empower the liar.
Accepting satan’s lies about our marriage, ourselves or our partner is crippling. God’s truth is always founded on His word. Satan’s deceptions are based on half-truths and out-and-out lies. It’s up to you to cast them down and strip them of power. The longer you entertain his thoughts, the greater the likelihood they will produce bad fruit in your home and marriage.
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Know the reason why
Again, failing doesn’t make you a failure. But worse than failing is not knowing why. Why did I get offended and blow up at my wife/husband? Why did I slam the door and yell, “I never want to talk to you again!”? How could I break our marriage covenant and get caught up in an extramarital affair?
Failing to understand the why will keep your Goliath lording it over you the rest of your life.
So many marriages fall apart—not because you and I fail, but—because we continually do the same things over and over without identifying why. Failing to understand the why will keep your goliath lording it over you the rest of your life. You can defeat your own personal goliath (and trust me we all have one) by being honest with yourself and not blaming each other.
God is always there to help you recover from any failure or mistake. He is not your problem. Even your goliath (whatever it might be) isn’t your problem. You become your worst enemy when you believe satan’s lies about yourself and your marriage. You wind up with too big a devil and too small a God.
Choose these 3 smooth stones
Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. For some of you that’s a hard thing to do, but it’s necessary to come out of defeat and get on the road to greater and greater victories. You’ll come to the same conclusion that we all do when we’re honest before God: I’ve found the problem and it’s not my mate, my God or even my goliath. It’s me.
Take responsibility. Facing yourself and being honest about why you’ve failed to be the marriage partner you could be is a major step toward victory. It will keep you from repeating the same mistakes again.
Forgive yourself and ask God to refill your heart with His love and compassion for your mate. Ask Him for refreshed desire to see your marriage succeed. You see, the goliath we fight is in us. But greater is the other He in you than he that’s in this world.
Go ahead and have a great marriage! It’s God’s design and purpose for you.
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As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.
The key to more and better
If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage.
Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay.
For God to give you better, you have to make room for better.
As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked.
Where growth ends, death begins
1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better.
2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying.
Meekness is not a quality the world celebrates—only God. Let Breaking Free Counseling help you gain your spiritual inheritance in Him! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.
Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often, what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!
Ask your wife (just kidding)
3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart. But they never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”.
It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage.
Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old.
What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits.
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Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.
Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general. His goal is to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.
Dwell on the good
God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.
We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage.
We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.
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Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.
Choose your narrative
Every marriage has two stories.
Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.
Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.
When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.
But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.
Change your thoughts
We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.
Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will.
Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.
Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.
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There is one key that—not only holds marriages together, but—brings them into the fullness of God’s glory. That one key is comprised of at least five core values. Values are those things that you have deep convictions about in your heart. Values are non-negotiable. They govern the direction your marriage takes and form its walls of protection.
Values are like the fence around your house. That fence defines, protects and identifies your house and its property. That’s what having at least five core values does for your marriage. Now we all have values individually but, most of the time, we don’t recognize them. These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day. Sadly, those same principles—when brought into your marriage—often cause conflict.
These unseen, unspoken principles fence in your lifestyle and protect your destiny every day.
Conflicting values
One spouse may place high value on their social life, and he or she pursues social interactions all the time. Meanwhile, the other mate values the opposite. They desire personal intimacy and that is their major focus. Both are good values, but they oppose each other and will eventually bring conflict in the marriage.
Couples need to decide what values are most important for their marriage, even if certain ones are unimportant to the other. The marriage needs to be the major focus and not our own selfish needs and desires. Remember there are three entities in a marriage: You, your spouse and your marriage itself. Ultimately, a couples’ decisions should always come down to what’s best for their marriage—not what’s best for either individual.
Define, define, define
So take the time to identify what your marriage values should be, and discuss them with your mate. Talk about whether or not those ideals are already in place and, if not, what you can do as a couple to build them in.
These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple.
Identifying your current values will help you to decide which ones to let go of and which ones to embrace. These principles become a road map for your success and fulfillment as a couple. You will never reach that place of marriage wholeness unless you have at least 5 core values that become the foundation of your marriage.
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A tale of two marriages
Matthew 7:24-27 describes two kinds of houses (we’ll say marriages). One marriage is built on a foundation of sand (having no defined core values). The other is built on a solid rock (having very well-defined values). Both couples face the same troubles in life, but the marriage without a strong foundation is destroyed. The one built on the rock survived the same storms that took the other one out, but didn’t collapse. Rather, that marriage stood firm in the midst of all the problems it faced.
Your values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection.
Let me suggest a few marriage values that you and your spouse might like to build upon. Though values are necessary for success, this list is by no means a guarantee for achieving success. Values must come from both of your hearts. These values will not only define your marriage, but will also lay a pathway for marital success and protection. It is definitely worth taking the time to discover what those ideals need to be for you as a couple.
Suggested values
Loving God. This one is a no-brainer, and every marriage needs to stand on it as a foundational principle. Whenever you put God first, everything just seems to work out better—no matter what storms come. I believe that we really don’t have financial or relationship problems. We have lordship problems. But when both mates pursue God as the number one value, the best is yet to come—and always will be!
Honesty is another value I highly recommend. You could define honesty as a willingness to be transparent with one another without having to pay a price. Most marriages fail because of poor communication. However, if you both establish honesty as a marriage value, your communication level will increase exponentially.
Happinessis a core value I would NOT recommend. It sounds funny to say it, but if you make happiness a foundation for your marriage, you will be very disappointed… and your marriage will fail. Happiness is a fruit of having core values—but not a value itself. Yes, we all want happiness, but it will only result from a lot of hard work and living out our marriage values. If you read my blog from 2 weeks ago, you know that a good marriage requires self-sacrifice. But in the end, it will produce the fruit of happiness.
Can you name at least 3 more core values that you think should be added to a marriage? I would be interested in hearing from you.
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Last week in Part 1, I told my story of rejection. If you didn’t already, read it here.
God is the only one Who can heal a wounded heart. Scripture tells us that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. So why was I still so wounded and broken if I had Jesus in my life?
Forty years ago, emotional healing was rarely spoken of. Somehow, I came across a book by John and Paula Sandford, pioneers on the subject of inner healing. Being the mess I was, it spoke to my heart. And Gaspar and I started our quest to learn more.
Thus began our prayer counseling ministry—which more than 3 decades later has grown into Breaking Free Wellness Center. It’s my number one solution for rejection and other emotional healing. To have a trained prayer minister guide you through painful issues from the past is invaluable. Often the journey takes you along such dark, dismal paths that—without help—many of us would give up.
When people reject you, without realizing it, you feel betrayed by God. “Where was He in my pain?” you ask. Of course, Satan uses that opportunity to plant seeds of deception in your heart about yourself, about others and especially about God.
Expose inner vows
Growing up with an abusive mom, I believed I was bad. I couldn’t be any good for her to treat me the way she did. I thought God must not love me either to let me hurt like this. As a child, I remember thinking When I grow up, no one is ever going to hurt me or tell me what to do again. I had no idea I was making a vow that would profoundly affect my life.
You may not even realize that you’ve made vows. But think back to all the times you said, “I’ll never do this…” or “I’ll never do that….” We make vows because we think we can protect ourselves from future hurt. In actuality, these inner vows harden our hearts to the point that we can never fully give or receive love. Can you relate to this?
Ungodly beliefs are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God.
Maybe it wasn’t a parent who hurt you. It could have been a failed marriage—and you vowed you’d never trust again, marry again or let anyone get close to you. As a teen, you might have been betrayed by a group of girls and vowed never to trust females.
Lies are always at the root of such inner vows, forming ungodly beliefs. Every one of us holds some beliefs that aren’t true. When these beliefs are contrary to God’s Truth, we call them “ungodly beliefs.” They are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God. They affect our entire lives: every relationship we have; every decision we make; how we act and react; our very destiny.
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Reject the lies
Hurt, rejection, negative experiences and trauma create ungodly beliefs in us. The child whose father walks out on his family can grow up believing I’m not important or dad wouldn’t have left… People will always fail me.
Being made fun of, called names by siblings or peers, being criticized by a teacher or authority figure—all these can form the ungodly beliefs: No one will ever want me…I’m fat, I’m stupid…I’ll never amount to anything. These ungodly beliefs follow us right into adulthood and become assignments against us.
In the healing process, it’s very important to renounce these lies and break agreement with them. By believing lies, you forge an alliance with the enemy, giving him easy access to your life.
Start by forgiving
After renouncing Satan’s lies, it’s even more important to agree with what God says about you.
Start by forgiving those who contributed to forming the ungodly belief in you.
Ask God to forgive you for believing a lie and for judging those who hurt you. Pray and break the power of the lies from your life.
Find scripture that speaks Truth to these areas. This is the last and most important step to forgiving. Read those verses daily. Meditate on them. Memorize them until your mind becomes renewed with the Truth. Stick with it. Renewing your mind takes time.
Often, that’s why people don’t maintain their healing. Getting prayer is just one part of it. The most important part is renewing our mind with God’s Word.
Get to know the Healer
The next strategy is to develop intimacy with the Lord. I can hear you saying, “Yeah, I know that already.” But really spend time in His Word the Bible daily. Hear what He has to say to you through His word. Then pray, bringing Him your needs. Jealously guard this devotional time. Otherwise, other things will take its place.
Attend a good Bible-believing church where you can receive strength and support for your journey. Find a place where the uncompromised Word of God is taught.
Spend time in the Bible daily. Hear what God has to say through His word. Then bring Him your needs.
Identify with the cross
Let me explain what I mean by identifying with the cross. Often we have a very limited concept of the cross. We know that Jesus died on the cross for our sin. He took our place and, when we accept Him as our Savior and Lord, when we die we go to Heaven. Yes, that’s true, but it doesn’t end there. That’s only one aspect of the cross. To identify with the cross, everything about the old me can and should die there. The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.
When Jesus hung on the cross He said, “It is finished.” It’s at the cross that all the power Satan had over us is broken. When you take what you’re still struggling with to the cross, it will be finished in your life too. Keep in mind that when you bring something to the cross, everything isn’t automatically fixed.
The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.
Let’s say you fly into a rage, start throwing things and kick over the trash can. All of a sudden you catch yourself and run to the cross. “Lord, help me. Forgive me for this anger. Cleanse me.” God says, “Of course you’re forgiven.” What a relief! But guess what? There’s still garbage and broken stuff all over the place. Who has to clean it up? You do! But God gives you the grace and the strength to do it. One by one you pick up the pieces. It’s all a part of identifying with the cross. It’s finished the moment you take it there. The rest is clean-up.
You have to take it there and let it die. Often, that’s where we get discouraged because we think it isn’t working. Satan is whispering in your ear, “I’m back. You’re not free. This doesn’t work.” He wants to scare you into giving up.
Stop looking at the junk and look at Jesus! He set you free to live that way forever. Not just free from sin, but free from rejection, a wounded spirit, depression, self-hatred, anger—and the list goes on and on. Galatians 5:1 tells us: “Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “
“Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “
Galatians 5:1
So when Satan brings back those old feelings of rejection, pain, or bad memories, tell him where to go. Say, “Shut up, in Jesus’ name. You’re a liar! I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Rejection doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. It’s nailed to the cross, and it died there.” Remember, healing is yours. Christ set you free. Keep standing firm!
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