Most problems in marriage come down to just “one thing”. If only that “one thing”— the root of the disagreement—could be easily identified and dealt with, many arguments would cease. But the roots of trouble, much like actual tree roots in the ground, usually go unnoticed. We get so caught up with peripheral issues that we never spot the real culprit, the one thing that caused it from the start. For that reason, many marriages only obtain temporary peace and unity. We only deal with what we see and feel at that moment. Therefore, the root—the one thing—stays hidden and couples fight the same battles again and again. 

A case in point 

Let’s say, for example, you both have a financial issue. The one partner overspends. Meanwhile, the other partner is so tight with money, when they walk, their shoes squeak. This financial disparity creates much tension and even builds walls between the two. The wife accuses the husband of being selfish and spending money like a drunken sailor, not caring about their financial security and their future. On the other side, the husband calls the wife a control freak, saying she makes the marriage miserable by allowing no freedom to have fun. Here’s the question: Is spending money the real issue? Or is it something deeper? 

The root of the problem usually goes a lot deeper than it appears on the surface. In this real-life example, the wife is very frugal with money because she was raised in poverty. Growing up, she and her family had little to nothing. In fact, the lack of basic needs drove them from home to home throughout her childhood. Deep down, she lives in fear of being homeless and destitute again. This constant fear is the “one thing” that causes this couple’s marital issues. Sadly, if they never discover this hidden root, their financial disagreement will arise over and over again. It never goes away.

It could be you

You can insert any marriage problem. It all comes down to the same thing. As individuals, we must be willing to look deep inside ourselves and answer the question: “Why I am reacting to my mate this way?” I’m sure if we would take the time to dig out the “one thing” that causes us to respond negatively when faced with a persistent problem, we could more constructively confront it. But it takes courage to face ourselves and risk discovering we are the cause of the problem. “I’ve found the enemy, and it’s me.”

If couples could both agree to resolve conflicts in their marriage that way, they—not only gain greater respect for each other, but—become more merciful toward one another.  Sooner or later, it will be the other partner’s turn to fess up to the “one thing” that is the root problem. That way, couples gain a lot of respect and honor towards each other because we all want peace, joy and harmony at all cost. Right?

Put your marriage first

When we couples put our marriage first, before our own desires and the need to be right all the time, we pave the way for true unity. Just one thing could be the cause of so many other issues in marriage. 

Here are some other examples of marriage problems with hidden roots: 

• Feeling rejected all the time
• The need to control our mate
• Fear of being alone
• Constant mistrust of our husband/wife

These issues and many others can have devastating consequences in marriage, if not dealt with correctly. I encourage you to make an agreement with your mate that, when trouble rises, the first thing you both will do is be still and know that He is God(Psalm 46:10). 

What I mean is this. Let God show you both what the root of the problem you’re facing really is. You’ll probably discover that, most of the time, it’s not what you thought. Sometimes it’s just that one thing, when discovered and dealt with, can make the difference between divorce and a blessed, fulfilled marriage. 

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