We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.
Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!
Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation! If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!
As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.
The way forward
The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.
Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy? Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.
NEXT WEEK! Are you plagued by hurts from the past? Feelings and memories you can’t seem to shake? Register here for this FREE revelatory workshop with Dr. Gaspar Anastasi or call 239.244.3912.
Never stop talking
Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very first thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.
Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that you have built. Restore trust that you have lost.
Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.
Learn each other
Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of marriage is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and find ourselves married to a stranger.
Question for today: What can you do to become a more effective communicator with your spouse?
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Twice a year, Michele and I teach a 10-week Sacred Marriage course with 10 to 15 couples. Our goal is to help them develop biblical principles to live by and make their marriage succeed. It’s not counseling, but a marriage-building session.
The one primary principle is to set divine order in our homes. Without it, your marriage will never reach its intended purpose: To please God and to bring joy and fulfillment to you both. It is so simple, but most couples miss it.
A marriage out of order
The world says, “Find someone you think you love, and your marriage will be successful forever.” Wrong! You might have thought the same thing, only to find a lot of disappointment, heartbreak and failure.
That perfectly described our marriage for a long time. Although Michele and I were born again and filled with the Holy Spirit, our relationship was a blueprint for discouragement, heartbreak and failure.
We were pastoring a church in Freeport, Long Island, and you would think we were at the pinnacle of success. Not so. I was spending a lot of time ministering in the church: I preached 3 services every Sunday; led prayer meetings throughout the week; attended midweek home groups; oversaw the New Life Centers (a residential men’s and women’s drug and alcohol program)… I could go on and on. Was I serving God? Yes and no.
Many lives were saved and transformed—except ours. My priorities were out of order and our marriage suffered because of it. I was neglecting the most priceless gift God had given me: My wife and children. Yes, I came home every day and spent some time with my children, but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.
Yes, I came home every day… but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.
Call today for marriage counseling or coaching in person or via Zoom: 239.244.3912 or visit BreakingFreeCC.com
Seek the kingdom first
It was painful, but our pain led us to cry out to Jesus. I believe God allows certain problems to arise so that we seek Him for help. I hope that’s what you do too. We tend to take our marriage for granted, thinking it can sustain itself without God’s presence. Trust me, and don’t find this out the hard way: Being a Christian married to Christian isn’t enough.
I was missing the simple formula found in Matthew 6:33: Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and then everything else will be added to you. Oneness with God equals oneness with your mate.
I was seeking God for my ministry called the church, but not for my most important ministry—my marriage. We can spend a lot of time pursuing our own personal agendas with God and miss this simple principle: Put first things first. In fact, it’s very easy to get distracted and put a lot of last things first. How much time do you invest in your relationship with God and with your mate?
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
Get your marriage in divine order
Today there are as many divorces in the church as in the world. This is proof that we need new wine skins to hold God’s presence in our marriages. All we have to do is put our relationship with God concerning our marriage first. Once that is established, everything else in life will find its place.
It sounds simple. But the devil will fight you with every strategy he has, because he knows great power and authority is released through marriages that put God first. Jesus prayed in John 17, “Father, I pray that they would be one as we are one so that my glory can be released on their lives.” The glory is the manifest presence of God that no devil in hell could stand against.
So make a decision to put first things first in your marriage. Strategize together how you can—and must—make this happen. Then sit back and watch God iron out all the wrinkles.
Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.
When you were growing up, somebody taught you how to ride a bike and drive a car. But I bet they never showed you how to live happily ever after. Yet God desires that you and I live—not just a good marriage—but a GREAT one. And, fortunately, He hasn’t left it up to us to accomplish. He yearns to co-labor with you to make it happen… if you’ll let Him.
Even though as Christians we can access God’s help, we mostly go it alone. So after a while, some of us conclude that a successful marriage is a myth. But I have good news for you: A great marriage is not a pipe dream. It can be your reality!
A great marriage is not a pipe dream. It can be your reality!
An amazing spiritual law
God has set into motion the amazing spiritual law of sowing and reaping, which can radically change your relationship for the better. When applied the right way, the law of sowing and reaping guarantees marriage success. Misapply it and it could actually make your marriage worse.
Notice we sow first, then reap. Sowing requires giving something—whether words spoken or deeds done. Every time we sow we are assured a result. Of course, if you plant something bad or ungodly, you can expect the same in return. So mishandling the law works against you.
The law of sowing and reaping was meant for us to increase in peace, harmony, joy, love, romance, understanding and prosperity. But a failure to understand this law has caused catastrophic results for many married couples. So let’s get it straight today.
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Fruit in action
Here’s how to use this law on purpose in a positive way. Let’s say you want your mate to show you more respect and honor than they presently do. Through your words and good deeds, you would start sowing seeds of respect and honor into your mate—whether or not they reciprocate. Now you have just planted seeds that God will water; and He guarantees that it will bring you a 30, 60, or 100-fold harvest of fruit, the same kind you sowed. Blessings of respect and honor will begin to flow out of your mate toward you.
Wow! It’s that simple with every good seed that we sow. God wants to co-labor with you in your marriage. Why not let Him by putting this spiritual law into practice on purpose in a positive way?
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
‑ Galatians 6:7
On the other hand, you may have been sowing negative seeds, unaware that this powerful spiritual law was at work. Now that you know, you can turn it around and work this law for the benefit of your marriage. Start right now planting love, peace, affection, encouragement and good deeds into your mate.
A due season harvest
Be patient. Whether your relationship is good or “borderline hopeless”, diligently apply God’s law, and in due season you will begin to see amazing results working in your marriage. With God nothing is impossible! Patiently sow good, and within a month’s time your marriage can become all that you dreamed.
Start by asking God to forgive you for sowing bad seeds like criticism, unforgiveness, bitterness, coldness, etc. into your mate in the past. With that kind of seed, your marriage can’t grow better, only worse.
Discover the power of one
All it takes is one of you to begin using this spiritual law the right way to turn your whole marriage around for the better. All the things you complain about, things your mate does or doesn’t do that irk you will turn around and become a blessing—in less than a month.
Why wait for your husband or wife to make the first move? Start sowing into your marriage right now! You’ll see the power of one that God has offered to you. He wants to co-labor with you in your marriage to bring true fulfillment for the both of you. It only takes one to start the process. Why not you? Why not now?
We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.
Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? You may have even thought it was impossible. The hurt and pain went so deep that you didn’t even want to think about forgiving. I know. I’ve been there and, if you’re married, I’m sure you have too.
My own struggle
Right from the start, let me say I (Michele) have struggled with forgiveness. It hasn’t come easy, and my heart goes out to those of you who have been wounded and are struggling too. It’s especially difficult when it’s your own spouse that has failed you somehow—you know, the one who promised to love and cherish you?
Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.
Having been raised by a very wounded and abusive parent, I came into marriage with a lot of unresolved anger. I stumbled onto a long road toward inner healing and, along the way, uncovered the resentment and anger I was carrying in my soul. In fact, one of the reasons Gaspar and I got into inner healing so many years ago was because of the past hurts we each carried. So what does healing have to do with forgiveness?
Take your marriage to the next level! Sit down with Pastor Michele Anastasi, our Certified Christian Life Coach, to gain new vision and direction for your marriage. Call (239) 244-3912 or go to BreakingFreeCC.com.
We must go back to move forward
When a couple comes into the Breaking Free office for counseling, we often suggest that they both go through inner healing prayer before they even start counseling.Why? Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.
Uncovering and identifying past wounds from childhood begins to open the couple’s eyes to how these hurts have—not only affected them individually, but still are—affecting their marriage. Often, we must go back before we can go forward (Gaspar wrote a great blog about this). Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.
Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.
In marriage, we hurt each other. It’s inevitable. And forgiveness is the most effective way to heal. If you’re still thinking “But you don’t know what he/she did.” No, I don’t. And like I said before, my heart hurts for the pain you’re going through, and my prayer is to see you freed from that pain. But I know from my own personal experience and years of counseling others, that the only way that pain will go away is by forgiving them.
Stop killing yourself
Trying to punish your partner by hanging on to anger and bitterness only hurts you. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiving an offending spouse isn’t a sign of weakness. Nor does it mean you’re condoning your husband or wife’s actions. Forgiving means that you want to let go of the pain and begin to heal. You want to please God and move forward.
Hanging on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Think about it. The greatest gift God gave us is the gift of forgiveness—through Jesus giving His life for us. He liberally pours out His unconditional forgiveness on us and in us so that we, in turn, can forgive others.
Choosing to forgive is one of the healthiest, most transformative decisions you can ever make for your marriage—and for yourself. Please know that you can forgive. Make the choice and God will give you the help you need to heal what’s broken.
Twice a year, Michele and I teach a 10-week Sacred Marriage course with 10 to 15 couples. Our goal is to help them develop biblical principles to live by and make their marriage succeed. It’s not counseling, but a marriage-building session.
The one primary principle is to set divine order in our homes. Without it, your marriage will never reach its intended purpose: To please God and to bring joy and fulfillment to you both. It is so simple, but most couples miss it.
A marriage out of order
The world says, “Find someone you think you love, and your marriage will be successful forever.” Wrong! You might have thought the same thing, only to find a lot of disappointment, heartbreak and failure.
That perfectly described our marriage for a long time. Although Michele and I were born again and filled with the Holy Spirit, our relationship was a blueprint for discouragement, heartbreak and failure.
We were pastoring a church in Freeport, Long Island, and you would think we were at the pinnacle of success. Not so. I was spending a lot of time ministering in the church: I preached 3 services every Sunday; led prayer meetings throughout the week; attended midweek home groups; oversaw the New Life Centers (a residential men’s and women’s drug and alcohol program)… I could go on and on. Was I serving God? Yes and no.
Many lives were saved and transformed—except ours. My priorities were out of order and our marriage suffered because of it. I was neglecting the most priceless gift God had given me: My wife and children. Yes, I came home every day and spent some time with my children, but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.
Yes, I came home every day… but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.
Do you dread the holidays? Break Free and learn to put past hurts behind you! Call 239.244.3912 or visit BreakingFreeCC.com
Seek the kingdom first
It was painful, but our pain led us to cry out to Jesus. I believe God allows certain problems to arise so that we seek Him for help. I hope that’s what you do too. We tend to take our marriage for granted, thinking it can sustain itself without God’s presence. Trust me, and don’t find this out the hard way: Being a Christian married to Christian isn’t enough.
I was missing the simple formula found in Matthew 6:33: Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and then everything else will be added to you. Oneness with God equals oneness with your mate.
I was seeking God for my ministry called the church, but not for my most important ministry—my marriage. We can spend a lot of time pursuing our own personal agendas with God and miss this simple principle: Put first things first. In fact, it’s very easy to get distracted and put a lot of last things first. How much time do you invest in your relationship with God and with your mate?
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
Get your marriage in divine order
Today there are as many divorces in the church as in the world. This is proof that we need new wine skins to hold God’s presence in our marriages. All we have to do is put our relationship with God concerning our marriage first. Once that is established, everything else in life will find its place.
It sounds simple. But the devil will fight you with every strategy he has, because he knows great power and authority is released through marriages that put God first. Jesus prayed in John 17, “Father, I pray that they would be one as we are one so that my glory can be released on their lives.” The glory is the manifest presence of God that no devil in hell could stand against.
So make a decision to put first things first in your marriage. Strategize together how you can—and must—make this happen. Then sit back and watch God iron out all the wrinkles.
Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.
Rejection is one of the most painful wounds you could ever receive. Not only does it damage your self-image and confidence, but rejection wounds your soul and spirit like nothing else can. Because God is Love, rejection is one of Satan’s weapons of choice. He works very hard using whatever and whomever he can to make us feel unloved and worthless.
Born unwanted
In my own life, seeds of rejection budded in me while still in my mother’s womb. As my tiny fingers and toes formed, so did the knowledge that I was unwanted. That might seem strange, but our spirit is fully formed at conception and can pick up on our mother’s feelings. Even medical science has proven that infants in utero are aware of and react to external stimuli.
In the 1940’s, many women who conceived out of wedlock used homemade remedies to try to abort unwanted pregnancy. Thankfully for me, none of those remedies did away with my physical existence. To add to my mother’s fear, doctors had warned her that giving birth could kill her because of a severe heart condition she had since childhood. I heard this sad story constantly growing up—reinforcing the fact that I was a mistake.
In my childhood and teen years, I endured physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother. She too grew up in an abusive home. All this turned me into one rejected mess! It was etched onto my soul that I was unwanted, had no value, and shouldn’t even exist.
Rebellion takes hold
As it often does, rejection turned into rebellion. A hardness began to grow inside me. I remember lying in bed as a child and vowing that I would never let anyone hurt me again. Subconsciously I said, “No more” and put on a defensive front for self-protection.
When I came to Christ in my twenties, I brought all that ugly baggage. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).
I loved God. I knew if I died I’d go to heaven, but I couldn’t get victory over the anger, rage, and rejection that controlled me. Yes, I let Christ touch and heal some areas. But in areas where I was most wounded, I remained unchanged. Healing takes time and commitment. It’s a process. After all these years, God is still working in me, still healing me.
When I came to Christ, I brought all that ugly baggage with me. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).
Do you suffer from rejection? We’re here to help. Go to BreakingFreeCC.com or call 239.244.3912.
God is still working
I shared all that because most people don’t like to admit that they deal with rejection. They’ve spent much of their lives trying to cover it up with all kinds of defense mechanisms. You might be thinking, I’m ok. This isn’t for me. Trust me, God isn’t finished with you either. We all need more healing.
If you carry hurt or offense; if you get defensive at times; if anger sometimes rises up from nowhere; if you blame-shift or gossip even once in a while—guess what? You need more healing. Emotional healing is key to our spiritual growth. It’s key to breaking free and living well. You can’t mature spiritually while wounded emotionally.
You can’t mature spiritually if you are wounded emotionally.
His plan is perfect
In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents.
The way I grew up—and maybe you too—was the exact opposite of what God planned for us. In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents. Our earthly father would be a reflection of God Himself: loving, caring, protecting. In this ideal world, our parents would lead us into a personal relationship with Christ, teach us the Word, take us to church and live godly lives before us. That was God’s perfect plan.
Sadly, sin entered that beautiful picture and perverted everything. Parents are more likely to pass on to their children the same brokenness and dysfunction in which they were raised. You can’t give what you don’t receive. Satan is a very real enemy, and he wants to destroy you any way he can. The younger the victim, the better he likes it.
When we don’t receive unconditional love and nurturing but get the exact opposite—abuse, criticism, anger, sarcasm, rejection—these things sink their roots deep into our souls. When you hear daily: “You always mess up… You can’t do anything right… You’re stupid… clumsy… ugly…(you fill in the blank)”—hear it enough and you begin to believe it. Inferiority, self-hatred, fear, and depression set in.
Rejection causes you to live life by your feelings. Your emotions control you. You make wrong choices to accommodate your fears and insecurities, and life keeps getting worse.
Your Father yearns to fill up all of your empty, broken places. He longs to make you whole.
It’s time you win
The Father yearns to fill up all of the empty, broken places inside of you. He longs to make you whole.
Know this: God has healing for you! Not only does He want to heal you, the Lord wants to be that perfect, loving Daddy to you. He desires to love you with a pure, healthy love. He yearns to fill up all of the empty, broken places inside of you. The Father longs to make you whole.
You may still carry pain from things you experienced many years ago. Satan was the one in control of those bad situations or people who hurt you. I think it’s time to take back what’s been stolen! Don’t you? It’s time you and I win! That’s what we’ll talk about next week: Solutions and strategies in the healing process.
We would love to hear from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please comment below.
