Everything in life grows, changes, moves and matures according to seasons. This includes your marriage. Depending on the season your marriage is in, you can do things that you couldn’t do at other times. Once you understand this principal, you can find a place of peace and prosperity regardless of all the benefits and limitations of this present moment.

To everything, a season

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven” (AMP). In other words, if you are trying to accomplish something in your marriage and it isn’t the right season, your efforts will likely end in frustration and anger. For example, you want to increase intimacy with your spouse. Trying to force open that door will only delay the change you seek.

There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven..

Ecclesiastes. 3:1 (AMP)

Too often couples find themselves out of season with their desires, and they wind up living continually out of season. They dress for winter and feel its chill all their life; meanwhile spring, summer and fall come and go unnoticed. It takes a sensitive heart to know when the cycle changes.

The danger of offense

We can miss the changes that signal winter becoming spring if we let the spirit of offense rule our everyday married life. It’s easy to feel hurt when your mate doesn’t respond to your likes and desires. Then bitterness sets in when you try to force them to change against their will.

Bitterness can blind you to change. But it doesn’t have to. Ask God to forgive you for not recognizing the seasons of your marriage. Then commit to be on the alert for the periodic changes that signal the start of a new cycle. It’s possible to live your whole marriage out of season. It’s like trying to dance to a song you like but you have no rhythm, and you feel and look awkward.

We can miss the changes that signal winter becoming spring if we let the spirit of offense rule our everyday married life.

Like a beautiful dance, each marriage has its own rhythm. When you discover it, this rhythm will bring you both into a place of unity and wholeness. Here are a few signs to look for that signal the start of a new marriage season. However, realize that once the season begins to change, it’s up to you to enter it and do what you couldn’t do before.

Signs of change

1). Attitude changes. All of a sudden, you have a change of heart toward things that you once resisted or were set against. That’s one sign that your marriage is entering into a new cycle or season. 

2). Romance increases. One spouse becomes more attentive in touching, embracing and kissing for no special reason. That is another sure sign that your marriage is entering a new season.

3). Communication grows. When one spouse seeks to talk or openly share their thoughts and feelings more than ever before, this too signals a change in season.  

4). More time spent at home. Maybe your spouse stops avoiding being at home. Again, that’s a sure sign of a season change.

No, you can’t change the season of your marriage, but you can set the atmosphere for it.

Set the right atmosphere

There are many other signs of change to look for. But the most important thing to remember is your attitude. Your positive response to these signals is imperative in order to benefit from each new cycle of life. No, you can’t change the season of your marriage, but you can set the atmosphere for it.

Free your heart from any anger and bitterness toward your mate. Instead exhibit patience and have faith that God’s plan for your marriage will come to pass. And, if you have missed or misinterpreted previous cycles in your marriage because of things I mentioned earlier, don’t worry. Life is cyclical. Those seasons will come around again.

Whatever season your marriage is in right now, it’s always the right time to sow patience and understanding. Only then you will succeed in reaping true happiness.

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This month, Gaspar and I celebrate our 58th wedding anniversary. That’s quite a few years! It even amazes me… and I lived it! In my mind, I’m still that 19-year-old blushing bride, but I’ve learned a lot in those years. It seems like we always learn the most from the difficult times. And like most couples, we’ve had our share.

So what nuggets of wisdom have I gleaned over nearly six decades? Here are my top 10 ingredients for a successful marriage. They’re not in any particular order because I believe they all play an equally important role in a strong marriage.

Top 10 ingredients to a successful marriage

1. Demonstrate Unconditional Love and Forgiveness.
   I know that’s two things, but a big part of unconditional love is forgiving each other. Not one of us is perfect. We all sin and make mistakes. We all cause each other hurt and pain, from the smallest slights to the deepest wounds. Could we really eliminate either of these ingredients and still call ourselves a Christian couple? Both are commands from God for all believers.
   
   
2. Be Honest and Truthful.
   I can’t separate these two either. They’re a solid couple. Honesty involves a few key practices like never lying, never hiding the truth—or even purposely omitting it. Honesty in marriage means always telling your spouse the truth, even if they won’t like it. It builds a strong foundation for trust and, eventhough there are many ways besides dishonesty to break trust, honesty is key. Once trust has been broken, it’s a long hard road back to rebuilding it.
   
   
3. Never Use the “D” Word.
   When we were young, foolish and unsaved, I would threaten divorce often. It was so destructive to our marriage and brought us to the brink of breaking up several times. I didn’t realize that was a word of death I was confessing over our marriage. After we came to the Lord, we promised—no matter how angry we got—we’d never use the “D” word again…and we haven’t. Marriage is a commitment between you, your mate and God. When you’re going through a rough time turn to the Lord, listen to Him, and do what He says. I promise He’ll see you through every time.
   
   
4. Keep Intimacy Alive.
   Keep love alive with romance and physical intimacy. Both are so important to a healthy marriage. You’d be surprised how far a little romance will go toward strengthening your relationship. Tender touches, hugs, kisses and saying “I love you” every day will lead to even deeper, more gratifying intimacy.
   
   
5. Communicate Well.
   Communication is probably one of the biggest struggles in marriages. But it’s worth working through because it affects every other area. A big part of communication is being a good listener and taking time to understand what your spouse needs. Of course, there will be disagreements. You and your mate have different personalities and see things differently. But successful couples respect each other’s opinions and learn the art of compromise.
   
   
6. Get on the Same Team.
   You and your spouse have a common enemy—and it isn’t each other. His name is satan. Spiritual warfare in marriage is real. Satan wants to steal your joy and destroy your marriage. Even in the middle of a disagreement, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not your enemy. Remind each other that you’re on the same side. And unity—more than who’s right or wrong—is crucial.
   
   
7. Accept Each Other.
   Lack of acceptance is a major relationship killer. We marry our spouse because we love who they are, not who we can change them into. It’s not our responsibility to play Holy Spirit for them. If we’re not careful, we can slip into thinking “I know best” in every matter. To build a strong marriage, we must focus on how we can become more Christlike and entrust our spouse to the Lord.
   
   
8. Prioritize Couple’s Time.
   With work and family responsibilities, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner and take each other for granted. DON’T!!! We’ve said over and over how important it is to make time for just the two of you. Have a date night as often as you can, even if you can’t go out. Put the children to bed and plan a special evening for just the two of you. The most successful couples vouch for this and agree it’s been a life-saver for their marriage.
   
   
9. Encourage and Inspire.
   One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means to “inspire courage.” We all have areas and times in which we feel insecure. Your words can be a powerful tool to lift each other up and inspire the best in each other. Make this a practice: Look for one way to encourage the best in each other everyday.
   
   
10. Put God at the Center.
    In everything you do, put God at the center of your marriage. Invite His Presence into everything. Make time to pray together each day. It only takes a few minutes to ask God to bless and protect each other. Consistently attend church. Share what you received from the message. Sharing your insights helps the message to become a part of you and draws you closer spiritually. What an awesome role model and legacy to leave your children and grandchildren!
    

Whether you’re a newlywed or an oldie-wed like us, every marriage has its share of ups and downs: stress, poor communication, financial difficulties…. As we always say, marriage is hard work and, for Christian couples, the work is all about growing up and becoming more like Jesus. I pray the things I’ve shared with you today will help make your marriage even stronger.

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To recap last week’s blog post: Having devotions as a couple is very important. I’m convinced that Adam and Eve were quite used to God coming and meeting with them. I think it would be odd if God’s first visit came only after they had sinned. God walking with Adam and Eve suggests His close, intimate relationship with His children—which includes us. I got the revelation that God did this often, perhaps daily “in the cool of the day”. Unlike them however, you and I don’t need to be afraid to face the Father because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

Power comes in pairs

Prayer is a very important part of your devotions. God speaks to us through His Word, and He also wants to hear from us in prayer. The Bible teaches us to pray on our own but also together.

Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.

Matthew 18:19-20

Years ago, Gaspar and I were praying individually for one of our children. It was a pretty serious situation, and we had been praying for about a year with no change. This was way before we started spending time with God together. I guess it was out of desperation that we started to cry out to God together. The answer we were believing for came one week later. That convinced to us that there was definitely greater power when we prayed together.

God speaks to us through His Word, and He also wants to hear from us in prayer.

Getting started

If you and your spouse haven’t prayed together before, it may take some time to feel comfortable. Start with each of you spending just a few minutes praying aloud and, before long, your prayer time will increase naturally.

Prayer is also a way to seek God’s wisdom together. As you pray and come into agreement on issues, it builds trust and strength in your marriage. Praying together reminds you that God is the source and center of your lives.

As you pray and come into agreement on issues, it builds trust and strength in your marriage.

And finally, as with all other spiritual disciplines you’re setting a positive example for your children. Prayer is a learned behavior, and your act of faith and trust in God is one that your children will learn by example. When your kids see their parents reading the Word and praying together, they will see the value you place on it and will practice the same habits.

Sample Devotion

This sample devotion was borrowed from author Michelle Peterson’s #Stay Married: A Couple’s Devotional (Althea Press, 2017) and edited for the purposes of this blog post.

Some recommended devotionals…

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Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is difficult. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is hard work. Even the Apostle Paul told us “there’s trouble in marriage” (1 Corinthians 7:28).

Having said that, God created marriage to reflect His glory to the world. He also created it to help form us into the image of Christ. Here’s the shocker: Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. Dying to self and becoming sanctified is not easy. But God knows exactly what we need to grow, exactly what we need to get our rough edges smoothed off.

God knows exactly what we need to grow and get our rough edges smoothed off.

Naked and unafraid

All that was for free. What I want to talk about today is another spiritual discipline in marriage: Couple’s devotions. As Christians, we know the importance of daily devotions. In fact, some of you already have a personal devotion time each day, and that’s great. So what’s the point of couple’s devotions if each of you already have your own time with God?

Well, honestly that’s what I thought too until one day while I was reading Genesis 3:8. It says Adam and Eve heard the sound of the Lord walking in the garden and hid themselves because the were afraid. They were afraid because they had just sinned, and now they had to face God “naked and ashamed.”

When couples spend time together with God, it opens the door to deeper spiritual conversations, grows our faith and helps keep us in unity.

I have no proof, but it seems clear to me that Adam and Eve were quite used to God coming and meeting with them. I think it would be odd if God’s first visit came only after they had sinned. God walking with Adam and Eve suggests His close, intimate relationship with His children—which includes us. I got the revelation that God did this often, perhaps daily “in the cool of the day”. What was different this time is that they were afraid.

God wants in

Personal time with God is very important, but let’s not neglect the fact that God was in the garden because He wanted to spend time with Adam and Eve together.

When couples spend time together with God, it opens the door to deeper spiritual conversations, grows our faith and helps keep us in unity. It gives you and your spouse a way to spend special time together, talking about things that matter.

Any good habit—whether eating healthy, making time to exercise or saving money—takes time to develop. But it needs to start somewhere. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be valuable. There are so many good marriage devotionals to choose from. They usually start with a little anecdote about marriage, a couple of verses of scripture to meditate on, maybe a question to discuss and prayer for each other.

Set a goal

Your devotional time can be in the morning or evening, whatever works best for the two of you. Be flexible. Setting the goal for every day may be too much to keep up with at first. Perhaps starting with once a week would be better. Try that for a couple of months, then add another day. If you miss a week, don’t get discouraged, give yourself some grace, and pick up where you left off.

Be sure to look for next week’s blog post. I’ll shed more light on this important topic and share a good sample devotional. In the meantime, why not discuss doing devotions as a couple with your husband or wife and carve out a time to make it happen! [Continued next week]

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