In my last blog post, I (Michele) shared all the benefits of having a regular date night and how much it will improve your marriage. Another discipline that Gaspar and I recently added to our weekly schedule is a marriage meeting. (We never suggest couples do something that we haven’t first tried ourselves and find valuable.)

So we’ve been having a weekly marriage meeting for a while now. And to be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without one. All I can say is, life in our household is running so much smoother.

To be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without a marriage meeting.

I can already hear some of you saying, “That’s crazy, having a formal weekly meeting with my spouse. I don’t need to make life any more difficult.”

My response: “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Think of it as investing time and energy in your marriage to keep it working well. We promise: If you give it a try, after a very short time, you’ll see the benefits. 

The business of marriage

Imagine if you and a partner were running a successful business. I’m sure you’d meet together at least once a week to discuss the goals and priorities for that week. Well you and your spouse are partners together in running a family business, your household, your finances, your children…. Isn’t that at least as important as running any company? 

Until my husband and I started having weekly meetings, often we were going in opposite directions, which caused many frustrating issues.

What does a marriage meeting look like? We like to open our meeting in prayer, inviting the Holy Spirit’s Presence. You and your spouse are partners in this company, but God is the CEO.

A helpful meeting agenda

Our meeting consists of 5 parts: Appreciation, Catch-up questions, Chores, Good Times, and Problems and Challenges.

1. Appreciation

Each partner shares something they appreciate about the other person. Don’t skip this part thinking it’s silly. Appreciation is like a healing balm for a relationship. It heals hurts and softens difficult issues. It starts the meeting off on a positive note.

2. Catch-up questions

Be sure and have your calendar with you. You’re going to be scheduling things you’ll have to write down. Some suggestions for questions: What brought you joy this week? What was difficult for you this week? Is there anything I can do to help you this week? During this time you would discuss upcoming events that will take place between now and your next meeting. Also, review future dates on your calendar that might need extra planning like Birthdays, Holidays, out of town guests. This is also a good time to discuss work schedules, kids’ activities, church functions, appointments that need to be made and other commitments.

3. Chores

Chores and Finances: No one is looking for more work to do. But think of chores as tasks worth investing energy in to have a pleasant environment to live in. Discuss and agree on what needs to get done this week and who will do each task. It isn’t necessary to discuss chores that you’ve already established a routine for and are working well. Discuss chores and errands that aren’t getting done. Repairs that need to be made. Writing out a “to do” with specific deadlines is very helpful. Don’t demand your spouse do a certain chore.

Work at compromise. Remember, you’re on the same team. Strive to be flexible, helpful, and reasonable. Of course, if one partner works outside the home and the other doesn’t, chore division will fall more, but not totally, on the stay-at-home partner.

Strive to be flexible, helpful and reasonable.

Couples and Finances: If you and your spouse have an established plan for dealing with finances, then just a brief update on current bills, expenses, and savings can be discussed at this time. One of you might bring up a large expense like school tuition, or a needed major repair, and discuss how it will be paid. The topic of money is often emotionally charged because money often symbolizes control, power and security. If this is a sensitive topic in your marriage, it’s best to discuss it at the end during the Problems and Challenges part of your meeting.

4. Good Times

Planning for Good Times: This is a fun section. In this part of the meeting, you make plans for your Date Night. Remember, even if you’re busy or feel you can’t afford a night out, you can always plan a romantic at-home date. Family fun time is also important. The family that plays together, stays together. It’s easy to talk about date night and family outings, but if you don’t decide on a specific activity and time and put it on your calendar, you’ll usually end up doing nothing. By intentionally making plans for couple and family times, you’ll end up with a lot more fun in your life.

5. Problems & Challenges

This is your opportunity to bring up anything on your mind that is an issue or problem. How you address this section of your meeting is critical. Approach it with kindness and a mindset to solve problems—not argue. Try to reach mutually agreed upon decisions. Don’t blame. Attack the problem, not each other. If you discover over time that you’re unable to resolve a conflict and it’s driving a wedge between you, seek help from your Pastor or a counselor.

Some tips for success:

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The holidays are right around the corner. Does that fill your heart with joy or dread? For many of us, this time of year raises painful childhood memories. In our Sacred Marriage group, we’ve been discussing our past and how our family of origin influences our marriage. Whether you realize it or not, the family you grew up in may still be affecting you today.

Blending family traditions

When couples marry, they face the huge challenge of trying to understand each other’s background; blend both together; and then develop their own family traditions. Since opposites always seem to attract, this is no easy feat.

One spouse may have come from a home where criticism and heated arguments happened every day. Meanwhile, their partner grew up never hearing raised voices. This couple will struggle in the blending process because their communication styles are radically different.

Some family experiences are so deeply ingrained that they negatively affect our marriage for years. And, if not healed, they can eventually cause divorce. In fact, most marital dysfunction stem from our family-of-origin.

Memories of abuse

In our many years of counseling, we’ve seen one or both spouses fall apart emotionally when talking about the events in their childhood—stories too horrible to repeat. These real-life experiences leave deep emotional scars. 

For others, the trauma is not nearly as devastating, but still painful—having suffered from constant criticism, rejection and neglect. A child fed a regular diet of emotional and verbal abuse often grows up judging and condemning themselves. Or worse, they abuse their own spouse and children.

Feelings of inadequacy

Children desperately want their parents’ approval. Some so yearn for that acceptance that they perform in every way possible to get it. As adults, they become co-dependent people-pleasers, lacking an identity of their own. 

Even children who were overprotected can struggle as adults. So much was done for them—including having all decisions made for them—that they lack confidence in themselves. They avoid the smallest decisions because of their fear of failure. This lack of self-esteem makes their spouse feel overburdened, forced to carry all family responsibilities alone.

When couples marry, they face the huge challenge of trying to understand each other’s background, blend both together, and then develop their own family traditions. 

Accepting your parents’ love

There are way too many family-of-origin issues to cover in this blog. But I want you to know one thing: Your parents wanted the best for you.You may disagree with me, but very few parents don’t ultimately want the best for their children. 

Unfortunately, even parents who want the best for their kids, often do horrible things. I’m not making excuses for them. Your parents likely raised you the way their parents raised them and so on. 

Also realize that, just like you, your parents dealt with stressors like unpaid bills, marital problems, unemployment, inflation, poor physical health, addictions—all of which can trigger harsh behavior toward the children.

You can accept the strong likelihood that your parents did (or do) care for you. Or you can fight it. However, refusing to accept their love continues the mental suffering for you—not them.

Lord, as we enter this holiday season, help us remember all we have to be thankful for. We put every trial, loss and heartache in Your healing hands and praise You for the gift of life in Your Son. Amen.

Help for past hurts

Some past memories are so painful we just want to blot them out, but that doesn’t solve the problem. You need to be freed from the hurt, and this often requires professional help. That’s where the Breaking Free Wellness Center comes in. Our trained prayer counselors can walk you through past hurts, bringing healing and freedom to you. Our Life Coaches can help you begin to live your best life ever (and avoid following in your parents’ footsteps in marriage and parenting).

Please pray with me: Lord, as we enter this holiday season, help us remember all we have to be thankful for. We put every trial, loss and heartache in Your healing hands and praise You for the gift of life in Your Son. Amen.

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