First things first

March 23, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

Twice a year, Michele and I teach a 10-week Sacred Marriage course with 10 to 15 couples. Our goal is to help them develop biblical principles to live by and make their marriage succeed. It’s not counseling, but a marriage-building session.

The one primary principle is to set divine order in our homes. Without it, your marriage will never reach its intended purpose: To please God and to bring joy and fulfillment to you both. It is so simple, but most couples miss it.

A marriage out of order

The world says, “Find someone you think you love, and your marriage will be successful forever.” Wrong! You might have thought the same thing, only to find a lot of disappointment, heartbreak and failure.

That perfectly described our marriage for a long time. Although Michele and I were born again and filled with the Holy Spirit, our relationship was a blueprint for discouragement, heartbreak and failure.

We were pastoring a church in Freeport, Long Island, and you would think we were at the pinnacle of success. Not so. I was spending a lot of time ministering in the church: I preached 3 services every Sunday; led prayer meetings throughout the week; attended midweek home groups; oversaw the New Life Centers (a residential men’s and women’s drug and alcohol program)… I could go on and on. Was I serving God? Yes and no.

Many lives were saved and transformed—except ours. My priorities were out of order and our marriage suffered because of it. I was neglecting the most priceless gift God had given me: My wife and children. Yes, I came home every day and spent some time with my children, but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.

Yes, I came home every day… but I was missing out on the true joy and fulfillment God intended for our marriage and family.

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Seek the kingdom first

It was painful, but our pain led us to cry out to Jesus. I believe God allows certain problems to arise so that we seek Him for help. I hope that’s what you do too. We tend to take our marriage for granted, thinking it can sustain itself without God’s presence. Trust me, and don’t find this out the hard way: Being a Christian married to Christian isn’t enough.

I was missing the simple formula found in Matthew 6:33: Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and then everything else will be added to you. Oneness with God equals oneness with your mate.

I was seeking God for my ministry called the church, but not for my most important ministry—my marriage. We can spend a lot of time pursuing our own personal agendas with God and miss this simple principle: Put first things first. In fact, it’s very easy to get distracted and put a lot of last things first. How much time do you invest in your relationship with God and with your mate?

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

Get your marriage in divine order

Today there are as many divorces in the church as in the world. This is proof that we need new wine skins to hold God’s presence in our marriages. All we have to do is put our relationship with God concerning our marriage first. Once that is established, everything else in life will find its place.

It sounds simple. But the devil will fight you with every strategy he has, because he knows great power and authority is released through marriages that put God first. Jesus prayed in John 17, “Father, I pray that they would be one as we are one so that my glory can be released on their lives.” The glory is the manifest presence of God that no devil in hell could stand against.

So make a decision to put first things first in your marriage. Strategize together how you can—and must—make this happen. Then sit back and watch God iron out all the wrinkles.

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Power comes in pairs

March 16, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if they lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one stay warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. —Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Making marriage out of mess

Do you know that God has a plan and purpose to use you and your spouse together? That He designed a purpose speciﬁcally for your marriage? If you have your doubts, just look back to the very ﬁrst couple in the garden.

God created man and woman in His image to represent Him on the earth. They were the crowning jewel of His creation. His purpose for them together was to ﬁll the earth and subdue it. God has not altered His plan since then. God’s purpose for the ﬁrst couple lives on in you and your spouse.

When I ﬁrst heard a teaching on this many years ago, I quickly dismissed it. Maybe this applied to my pastor and his wife… or the elders and their wives… but for Gaspar and me? No way. How could God possibly have a purpose for our marriage? There were times when we thought our marriage wouldn’t even make it. With all the trials we’d been through—selﬁshly separating, each ﬁghting to get our own way—we brought new meaning to the phrase “God will bring ministry out of your mess.” He sure did.

So think again. God does have a plan and purpose for every marriage, including yours. I remember saying, “Ok, Lord, here we are; we’re available. Lead the way.” And lo and behold, to our amazement, He did!

An unstoppable force

God created you and your spouse for a work that only the two of you can accomplish together. He foreknew all your diﬀerences and carefully put them together so you would compliment each other. Then He blended together all those qualities for His planned purpose. Why? Because together you can accomplish more and greater things than either of you could on your own. Together you’re a powerful force. And, with God, you’re unstoppable.

Together you’re a powerful force and, with God, you’re unstoppable.

Probably your next questions are: “Where do we start? How do we know the purpose God has for us?” To start, the best way any Christian couple can serve God is to glorify Him in their marriage.

Married couples possess the power to create what many people hunger for: Family and Belonging. We live in such a fractured world. Many people live and work hundreds of miles from their nearest relatives. Families crack and break apart. People are lonely and isolated and, inside, are longing for a place to belong. They long for family.

A healthy relationship builds hope

Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families.” Often, as married couples, we can become “family” for those without one.

Many people today don’t even know what a healthy marriage looks like. They’ve seen so many fractured relationships and divorces, they’ve lost hope that any marriage can last. Married Christians have an incredible opportunity to model what Christ designed marriage to be. That may not sound like a “ministry,” since you aren’t actually “doing” something other than being yourselves. But in our society, simply staying together and working at your marriage sends a powerful message.

And you don’t have to be perfect to do that. When people see that you and your spouse love and respect each other they take notice. You can provide hope for those who have lost hope for a healthy relationship.

Regardless of the ministry God leads you and your spouse to fulﬁll, together you can draw strength from each other. As a couple, you have instant access to another person’s skills. If you remember, Jesus always sent His disciples out in teams of two. When two people work together, they protect each other, encourage and support one another, share the workload, oﬀset each other’s weaknesses and draw on each other’s strengths.

When two people work together, they… oﬀset each other’s weaknesses and draw on each other’s strengths.

Blended callings

Today, Jesus sends out couples just like He sent out His disciples—in pairs. Why? Because there’s power in pairs.

Christians often think of serving God individually. But think how much your ministry and marriage can be strengthened if you could blend both your callings! God has called you to serve Him and He has called you to be married. Those two callings—not only can go together, they—should go together. When they do, you’ll have a stronger Christian walk and a stronger Christian marriage.

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We not me

March 9, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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Healing in marriage, unity in marriage

When we marry, we all must adjust our thinking from “me” to “we”. In the past, our decisions centered on what blessed me and what was better for my life. We didn’t think about what was good for our mate. Rarely did we ask ourselves “Will this decision work for the both of us?” It’s a natural human tendency to be selfish and self-centered.

Remember, Jesus taught his disciples to pray “Our Father who art in heaven”. God is not only my Father, but your Father as well. In other words, if my prayers and desires are just about me, He won’t answer them! If what you are asking won’t bless your mate as well, He will turn a deaf ear. Why? Because selfishness is not the will of God.

If my prayers are just about me, He won’t answer them!

It takes Him

It took a few years to change my view of marriage from how it could benefit me to how it could bless us. The closer God drew me to Himself, the more I recognized my own selfishness. Changing our thinking from “me” to “we” will drastically cut down on the many conflicts we face. In fact, I believe that many of our marriage problems would disappear completely. This adjustment in thought and lifestyle will also point out our need for more of God’s presence in our lives.

This shift from me-thinking to we-thinking requires Him. Only the Holy Spirit can help you to accomplish this goal. Couples, after all, are more than roommates. Your partner must be included in every decision you make. When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to start making choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell.

This is a powerful revelation you need to—not only grasp, but—live out. You don’t need to force your mate to join you. It will become a revelation to them when you consistently live the “we-not-me” married life. Just live it out, and watch how life changes for the better in a very short time. It doesn’t need to be a point of discussion, but a transformative action on your part.

When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to make choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell.

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Self in action

One husband I counseled had decided to buy a very expensive recreational vehicle—without first discussing it with his wife. He thought, “Now that I’m retired, I’m gonna travel and enjoy my life!” However, he didn’t want his wife’s opinion to influence his decision. And traveling the country in an RV was not her idea of a good time. In fact, it was the opposite of what she wanted to do. But he couldn’t see how self-centered his decision was.

Obviously, his choice created a major conflict in their marriage. Not only that, his RV put them both in great financial debt. It wasn’t his wife’s choice, but he made that decision anyway and it created a great division. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it were just this one decision. But this choice is just one example of an on-going lifestyle of “me-not-we”.

Unity starts with u

Now take a few minutes and reflect on how you have been living your married life. Has it been all about me—and not us? Do you have a lot of conflict because you’re not getting what you want or doing it your way? Has bitterness crept in because you feel your mate doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings?

Living like roommates isn’t what we sign up for when we marry, but many couples do just that. We…. It only takes one person to change, and he or she will cause the whole marriage to shift from me, myself and I. It is worth the effort to examine your heart, and let God make you more like Him. Your happiness and fulfillment as a married couple depends on it.

One person can shift the whole marriage from me, myself and I.

This one revelation can change your life. Even though marriage is a team effort, this transformation must start with you. And it needs to start right now! Reading this blog should raise some conviction in your heart. Will you allow the Holy Spirit to take you to the next step: repentance? Repent of your selfishness in your marriage. Be honest, and let God help you become the best marriage partner your mate could ever have. You won’t be sorry, and neither will they. Start right now and don’t put it off until tomorrow. It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

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It’s not what it looks like

March 2, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

A great marriage takes a lot of work. Too many people give up when the going gets tough. And by doing so, they miss out on the tremendous blessing that God has designed for them as a couple.

We hear a lot of negative things, especially today, about how bad it is being married. But you don’t hear very much about the good that a godly marriage produces in a person’s life. The problem is: We look at marriage through a wrong lens. It’s really not what it looks like.

What’s happiness got to do with it?

The same erroneous viewpoint that dominates the world today also dominates our marriages. This view tells us that the main goal of marriage is “happiness”. Happiness comes, and happiness goes. Therefore, starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster. It’s not that happiness is a bad thing, but it is dependent on so many other factors in the marriage going right.

Starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster.

Because we are two different people, we will invariably rub each other the wrong way. Happiness during those times is usually the last thing you will experience. But that doesn’t make your marriage a failure—not unless happiness was your main goal.

Discover a greater love

Working out our differences and resolving conflict in our marriage with the help of the Holy Spirit not only produces a greater love and respect for one another but, in the end, it bears the fruitfulness of happiness.

So happiness can come and go throughout years of marriage. That’s because of the need to develop oneness and spiritual growth in our lives and in our mutual bond. So maybe our definition of happiness needs to change, because it’s not what it looks like.

Happiness in God’s eyes is two people learning to put Him in the center of their lives and union. It happens when, as a couple, we put the interest of our mate and our marriage before our own and gain the capacity to be selfless—not selfish.

Happiness is not what it looks like through our natural understanding: Me first and you second. The thinking that goes “As long as I am happy, then and only then do we have a good marriage—no matter how you feel”. That thinking is absolutely wrong. It even sounds kind of ridiculous but, honestly, that’s how most of us live. So how can we turn this around and line ourselves up with God’s concept of happiness?

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The beauty of shared values

First of all, we need to decide what our values are and how necessary they are in our ability to enjoy a happy marriage. Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of us agreement with.

Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of you agreement with.

Let me list some of the values that are in our marriage.

Value #1: Our relationship with God is our top priority—not only individually but also—as a couple. So Michele and I pray together, study together, teach together, go to church together…. All these shared values produce a lot of happiness in our lives. Can you see how knowing and applying your values create boundaries in your marriage which produce the fruit of happiness?

Let’s talk about another value that Michele and I share that greatly enriches our marriage. It is the value of honoring one another.

Value #2: Honoring each other includes understanding our likes and dislikes, our interests, wants and needs. This value hinges on communication which brings us into a greater oneness with each other. And unity produces the fruit of happiness.

Again, notice how happiness isn’t the main goal, but living together with shared values produces a high level of happiness. Can you see that?

Define your shared values

What are your values? Can you list at least 3 that you and your spouse agree on and are striving to live out? What do you think it would take to change your focus from pursuing “happiness” to pursuing godly values as your road map to a successful marriage? What do you think is the greatest stumbling block to accomplishing that?

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Married to a stranger?

February 17, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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unity in marriage

We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation! If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy?

Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

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Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very ﬁrst thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that you have built. Restore trust that you have lost.

Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of marriage is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and ﬁnd ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more eﬀective communicator with your spouse?

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A season of repositioning

February 10, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

When Hurricane Ian hit Southwest Florida on September 30, 2022, it became the costliest and one of the deadliest in state history. That storm changed so many things that it made me take a closer look at my life. I think the same thing happens when we hit a wall in our marriage. You could call it a marriage hurricane. During a season like that, there is no place to go but forward.

Everything that happens in our lives comes through the hands of God— whether good or bad. The most important thing to concentrate on at this time is how we can cooperate with God to fulfill His destiny for our marriage.

Everything that happens in our lives comes through the hands of God— whether good or bad.

A lesson from Isaiah

I think of the prophet Isaiah who ministered to four kings of Judah during his lifetime. In Isaiah 6:1, the prophet tells us that King Uzziah died. As God’s voice to the nation, Isaiah would guide kings into God’s will. But at this moment there is no king to serve, none to guide. At this moment, this godly man gets a fresh revelation of the God he would speak for for years. He sees the Lord “sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple (v. 4).” Judah lost their king, but in the process Isaiah rediscovered THE KING.

He had a new vision of the same God he had been serving for years—and a new vision of himself. The storm in his life caused him to seek God like never before.

That’s what we need to do when we hit a wall in our marriages. We can’t solve our problems by our wisdom, intellect, or natural ability alone. It’s only through the Lord. You and I need to see Him in a different way, even in a different form. We get used to putting God in a box, expecting Him to do the same things He did in our marriage in past seasons.

Judah lost their king, but in the process Isaiah rediscovered THE KING.

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See God anew

How big and powerful is your God? Too often we make wrong decisions in marriage because we haven’t seen God clearly enough in our own lives—much less in our relationship. God will sometimes allow storms to come into our marriage to get us to rethink our position with Him. That is His way of pushing us to seek Him deeper. Problems give us that option. Now I say “option” because it’s a choice. Each of us must choose to put aside everything and pursue God with all our heart.

Usually, life is filled with more pleasant options and distractions the devil conveniently provides. Storms remove those options. God might move out of your life ungodly counselors for a period. In their place, He may insert a new desire to cry out to God for help. He might close the door to the escape plan you prepared in case your marriage failed. Our loving Father could allow you to lose a job and suffer financial loss. He may simply insert a new desire and passion for your mate.

No matter what storms bring into your marriage, God’s hand is in it. He wants you to seek Him and get a fresh revelation of who He is in your life and marriage. He wants you to really know that if God is for you, no enemy can proper against you (Rom. 8:31). And greater is He that’s in you than he that’s in the world (I John 4:4).

God wants you to know that you can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens you (Phil. 4:13).

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

God’s plan for your marriage

Once you have a new outlook concerning God and who you are in Him, your marriage can be repositioned for a great turnaround. It’s never too late to make your marriage great. And a great marriage is our God’s plan for the both of you. But if the storm doesn’t rage and our backs aren’t against the wall, would we be willing to reposition ourselves for greater blessings? The very thing we think is a curse may turn out to be a great blessing! Do the right thing in the season of trouble. Let God reposition you. The best is yet to come!

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