When building a new house, we start with the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure turns out to be, without a good foundation, it will fall apart. I remember our first house had a problem with the foundation. Because it was built on unstable ground, it settled unevenly. The floors on one side of our new home were higher than the other. It was like climbing up or down a steep hill depending on what side you were on. As you can imagine, this imbalance in the physical structure created unneeded stress in our daily lives. 

The same is true of marriage. When the foundation isn’t right, the rest of your union is negatively affected. That’s why the first building block for a successful marriage is a solid foundation. What makes a strong marriage foundation? First, you and your mate need to have the same values as a couple. 

1. Establish godly values.

Many of us don’t think about our own values, much less our mate’s until well into the marriage. It’s after the honeymoon season is over that we begin to see our many differences. What’s important to one of you doesn’t matter to the other. 

Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, align them with His values.

This difference in values many times creates imbalance in our relationship. When you notice these contrasts, make time to discuss them. Don’t try to overlook them and hope that they’ll work themselves out. They won’t. In fact, over time these value differences have the potential to destroy your marriage. 

Godly values are essential to a solid marriage. Luke 6:48 compares those of us who hear God’s word and put it into practice to a wise builder: “They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built (NIV).” 

What does it mean to dig deep? Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, make sure they line up with His values.

By the way, happiness should never be a marriage value, because you will always be disappointed. Happiness is a fruit that grows out of godly values within marriage. But remember: It’s never too late to make your marriage great! 

2. Know who your enemy is.

Understand that satan will do everything he can to destroy your unity while remaining undetected. He dupes the husband and wife into thinking their mate is their enemy. So many couples remain blind to the spiritual warfare that they’re facing daily, and satan likes it that way. 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

The devil is like a chameleon blending in with its environment. Couples need to get the revelation that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).” 

Recognizing your enemy is critical. Be smart. Discuss his strategies with each other and expose the tactics he is using against you. 

3. Commit to doing your part daily.

Marriage has a way of bringing out the best and worst in each other. And the tendency is to zero in on our mate’s failures while excusing our own. Couples could improve their marriage greatly if each partner simply took responsibility for their own failures and addressed them. Yes, it takes courage. But admitting your weaknesses and being willing to work on them will improve your marriage immensely! Be transparent with each other.

4. Don’t withhold affection.

Two becoming one involves a healthy sex life. An unhealthy one causes great damage; and satan works greatly in this area (1 Cor.7:5).  It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy, and that requires a proper view of sex. However, we should never violate our mate’s conscience when it comes to sexual intimacy. There needs to be agreement on what our values are in this area. There’s much to talk about regarding this topic, but suffice it to say that sex within marriage is God’s will; and sex outside of marriage is a breach of our covenant with our mate and with Him. 

What foundation is your marriage built on? What areas do you need to address and change? Remember, it takes courage to build your marriage on a godly foundation.

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When God created you and me, He didn’t form us with failure in mind. Our God—who has never failed nor lost a battle—created us in His likeness and image. His DNA flows through our veins. Now that doesn’t mean that you will never fail. It does mean, however, that failing doesn’t make you a failure. But that’s the lie our enemy satan always tries to sell us. 

Obedience attracts conflict

Whenever you take hold of God’s promises and determine to live them out, your obedience will always attract conflict. First Peter 4:12 says (and I paraphrase) “We shouldn’t be so shocked when big problems or trials arise.” When you finally decide to love each other unconditionally, that’s when the battle seems to come out of nowhere. 

Jesus says it this way in His parable of the sower (Matt. 13:1-23): When you allow God’s words of faith to be planted in your heart and you commit to walk them out, satan comes immediately to steal that seed. The moment you believe God’s promise for your marriage, that seed will be challenged by another seed — satan’s.

God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one.

God’s word (seed) has all power to change a bad situation into a great one. The promise in God’s word is the very power that He uses to—not only create all things, but— uphold all the things He creates (Heb. 1:3). Satan’s seeds (lies) have no power except the power we give them. By believing a lie, you empower the liar. 

Accepting satan’s lies about our marriage, ourselves or our partner is crippling. God’s truth is always founded on His word. Satan’s deceptions are based on half-truths and out-and-out lies. It’s up to you to cast them down and strip them of power. The longer you entertain his thoughts, the greater the likelihood they will produce bad fruit in your home and marriage. 

Know the reason why

Again, failing doesn’t make you a failure. But worse than failing is not knowing why. Why did I get offended and blow up at my wife/husband? Why did I slam the door and yell, “I never want to talk to you again!”? How could I break our marriage covenant and get caught up in an extramarital affair? 

Failing to understand the why will keep your Goliath lording it over you the rest of your life.

So many marriages fall apart—not because you and I fail, but—because we continually do the same things over and over without identifying why. Failing to understand the why will keep your goliath lording it over you the rest of your life. You can defeat your own personal goliath (and trust me we all have one) by being honest with yourself and not blaming each other. 

God is always there to help you recover from any failure or mistake. He is not your problem. Even your goliath (whatever it might be) isn’t your problem. You become your worst enemy when you believe satan’s lies about yourself and your marriage. You wind up with too big a devil and too small a God. 

Choose these 3 smooth stones

1. Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. For some of you that’s a hard thing to do, but it’s necessary to come out of defeat and get on the road to greater and greater victories. You’ll come to the same conclusion that we all do when we’re honest before God: I’ve found the problem and it’s not my mate, my God or even my goliath. It’s me. 
2. Take responsibility. Facing yourself and being honest about why you’ve failed to be the marriage partner you could be is a major step toward victory. It will keep you from repeating the same mistakes again. 
3. Forgive yourself and ask God to refill your heart with His love and compassion for your mate. Ask Him for refreshed desire to see your marriage succeed. You see, the goliath we fight is in us. But greater is the other He in you than he that’s in this world. 

Go ahead and have a great marriage! It’s God’s design and purpose for you.

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Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.

Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general. His goal is to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.

Dwell on the good

God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage. 

We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.

Choose your narrative

Every marriage has two stories.

Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.

Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.

When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.

But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.

Change your thoughts

We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.

Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will.

Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.

Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.

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