When we marry, we all must adjust our thinking from “me” to “we”. In the past, our decisions centered on what blessed me and what was better for my life. We didn’t think about what was good for our mate. Rarely did we ask ourselves “Will this decision work for the both of us?” It’s a natural human tendency to be selfish and self-centered. 

Remember, Jesus taught his disciples to pray “Our Father who art in heaven”. God is not only my Father, but your Father as well. In other words, if my prayers and desires are just about me, He won’t answer them! If what you are asking won’t bless your mate as well, He will turn a deaf ear. Why? Because selfishness is not the will of God. 

If my prayers are just about me, He won’t answer them!

It takes Him

It took a few years to change my view of marriage from how it could benefit me to how it could bless us. The closer God drew me to Himself, the more I recognized my own selfishness. Changing our thinking from “me” to “we” will drastically cut down on the many conflicts we face. In fact, I believe that many of our marriage problems would disappear completely. This adjustment in thought and lifestyle will also point out our need for more of God’s presence in our lives. 

This shift from me-thinking to we-thinking requires Him. Only the Holy Spirit can help you to accomplish this goal. Couples, after all, are more than roommates. Your partner must be included in every decision you make. When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to start making choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell. 

This is a powerful revelation you need to—not only grasp, but—live out. You don’t need to force your mate to join you. It will become a revelation to them when you consistently live the “we-not-me” married life. Just live it out, and watch how life changes for the better in a very short time. It doesn’t need to be a point of discussion, but a transformative action on your part. 

When the Holy Spirit wakes us up to make choices with our mate in mind, it creates an atmosphere where God’s presence can dwell. 

Self in action

One husband I counseled had decided to buy a very expensive recreational vehicle—without first discussing it with his wife. He thought, “Now that I’m retired, I’m gonna travel and enjoy my life!” However, he didn’t want his wife’s opinion to influence his decision. And traveling the country in an RV was not her idea of a good time. In fact, it was the opposite of what she wanted to do. But he couldn’t see how self-centered his decision was.  

Obviously, his choice created a major conflict in their marriage. Not only that, his RV put them both in great financial debt. It wasn’t his wife’s choice, but he made that decision anyway and it created a great division. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it were just this one decision. But this choice is just one example of an on-going lifestyle of “me-not-we”. 

Unity starts with u

Now take a few minutes and reflect on how you have been living your married life. Has it been all about me—and not us? Do you have a lot of conflict because you’re not getting what you want or doing it your way? Has bitterness crept in because you feel your mate doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings? 

Living like roommates isn’t what we sign up for when we marry, but many couples do just that. We…. It only takes one person to change, and he or she will cause the whole marriage to shift from me, myself and I. It is worth the effort to examine your heart, and let God make you more like Him. Your happiness and fulfillment as a married couple depends on it. 

One person can shift the whole marriage from me, myself and I.

This one revelation can change your life. Even though marriage is a team effort, this transformation must start with you. And it needs to start right now! Reading this blog should raise some conviction in your heart. Will you allow the Holy Spirit to take you to the next step: repentance? Repent of your selfishness in your marriage. Be honest, and let God help you become the best marriage partner your mate could ever have. You won’t be sorry, and neither will they. Start right now and don’t put it off until tomorrow. It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

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Years ago when I was into reading women’s magazines, there was a monthly article called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” I wasn’t a Christian at the time and didn’t realize that everything I needed to know about life and marriage could be found in the Bible. 

I came to Christ when Gaspar and I separated after five long, painful years of arguing and making each other absolutely miserable. That’s when I turned to the Word of God to make sense of my life.

The first time I opened the Bible, my eyes fell on Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” I had felt so alone and abandoned, but suddenly it was like God was speaking directly to me. I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me. 

That was the beginning of the Lord healing my heart, changing me from the inside out, and giving me the faith to believe for the restoration of my marriage. I was blessed to find a good church where I was loved and nurtured in the Word and surrounded by sisters-in-Christ who prayed for and encouraged me. 

I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me.

What every marriage needs most

Your partner as top priority

Have you ever had a plant that you accidently ignored and forgot to water? Before long it shriveled up and died. The same thing can happen to a marriage. From my own experience and years of counseling hurting couples, I see many marriages falter because we put our relationship on the back burner. With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

Yours may be in a bad place right now because of neglect. To save or revive your marriage, you need to make your partner your top priority and give them some much-needed attention. The ingredients for a healthy, thriving marriage are time, touch, attention, appreciation, and affirmation. Whether your marriage is totally withered or barely breathing, it can be revived and restored!

A date night on the calendar

When couples are married for a while, they begin to take each other for granted. They lose touch with their partner, and their connection is broken. So the first step (and I’ve said this in more than a few blogs) is to schedule a regular date night. And don’t let anything get in the way of keeping it. When you do this, it speaks volumes. It says that your marriage is a priority. Having a regular date night will help you to reconnect again.

Reconnecting takes time and effort. We give the couples in our Sacred Marriage group questions to talk about on their date night. They all agree that the questions stir up conversation that helps them feel more connected. 

Positive vibes in the heart

Another hinderance in marriage is focusing on all our partner’s negative points. It’s an easy habit to fall into, and it consumes our thinking, which affects our attitude and actions. 

Healthy marriages thrive because the couples give more attention to praise and appreciation. Sharing words of affirmation does wonders.When something good happens, take notice and tell your spouse. It doesn’t have to be huge; the point is to change how you relate to each other. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Outreach for help

When we marry, no one tells us how to make it work. No one teaches us how to be a good husband or wife. It’s no wonder most couples just muddle through until they hit a brick wall. Every marriage can use some help navigating rough patches. Thank God for Pastors, counselors, and marriage coaches. Their help can guide you through issues that seem insurmountable. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. 

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience. 

Up-reach to God

Even if your spouse has left or shows no interest in making things better, what’s stopping you from working on yourself? You become the person and spouse God wants you to be! When someone asks me, “Can I save my marriage alone?” I tell them, “You aren’t alone. God is with you and He’s on your side, fighting for your marriage.” When you change, everything around you will change. Working on who God created you to be can change your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Did I mention patience?

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience. You can’t do it in your own strength but, with God, all things are possible. 

As you’re standing and believing for your marriage, don’t be discouraged. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Know that all the good seeds you’re planting will take time to sprout. Be patient and hold on to Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

God is speaking directly to you. Do you hear Him?

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As we discussed at the time, 2023 was a year of Divine Favor. But God’s favor is always available to His precious children who make Him a priority. Nowhere is divine favor more abundant and needed than in marriage. Let’s face it: Two people becoming one is impossible in our own strength. As couples, we have missed out on this crucial and rich heritage of divine favor that God set aside especially for us. So many of us have either been unaware of it or have lived without expectation that His favor will work in our marriage.

Divine favor is defined as unfair partiality (given by God), special privilege, and the supernatural capacity to accomplish things that you don’t have the ability or strength to do. Amazingly, you and I can be empowered by the Holy Spirit to both give divine favor to our mate and to receive divine favor from them. And when we do so, our marriages prosper exponentially.

Divine favor is unfair partiality (given by God), special privilege, and the supernatural capacity to accomplish things that you don’t have the ability or strength to do.

Favor in action

Here’s an example. Let’s say you have an argument with your mate, and it is severe enough that you want to separate. But suddenly, grace from God comes upon you to forgive with no strings attached! Not only do you close the door on satan to hurt your marriage further, but you open the door to reconciliation. You must recognize that something supernatural just happened. That was God releasing divine favor in you to accomplish what you couldn’t!

Or let’s say… you plan a much-needed getaway, but when the time comes, you don’t have enough money. Then, miraculously, the vacation destination lowers their rates for the time period you planned to go, and now you can make it. That is divine favor! In reality, you and I have been living with God’s unearned kindnesses all along, but without recognizing what it was and where it came from.

God makes His favor readily available for you every day of your life—multiple times a day. And don’t say, “I wish that were true” because it is! Below, I have listed steps that will secure your heritage of divine favor our Father intended for our marriages. Maybe you’ve been living outside of His abundant blessing and realize it’s time for a turnaround.

How to secure divine favor

1. Ask the Lord to forgive you for taking for granted His favor in your life and marriage. Too many of us live with an entitlement attitude—not being sufficiently grateful and humbled by God’s goodness.
2. Expect God’s favor to manifest in your home daily. His favor is your heritage as a believer in Christ. Rather than expecting trouble, anticipate goodness instead.
3. Recognize where divine favor comes from. It’s not your own doing. That’s pride. Just take note of the grace God gives you every day to live a successful marriage.
4. Get a bigger vision than just being happily married. Think about God’s kingdom and His purposes for your union. Recognize the much-needed example of marriage fulfillment you can provide to struggling couples.  
5. Seed favor into your mate and watch God multiply His abundance back to you through your mate.
6. Give your tithes and offerings. Keep your heart close to God by sharing with Him the fruits of your labor. Where your money is, that’s where your heart is (Matt. 6:21). Giving is especially key if you want God’s favor released in your finances.

Although God’s promises are “Yes” and “Amen” (2 Cor. 1:20), it takes our faith to make them a reality.

There it is! A strategy to receive God’s abundant favor in your marriage. Although God’s promises are “Yes” and “Amen” (2 Cor. 1:20), it takes our faith to make them a reality. I have lived married life with the abundance of favor that God made available for me… and I’ve also lived without it. Guess which I like best!

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Every marriage on planet earth is made up of people like you and me who make  a lot of mistakes. None of us is perfect. God knew that when He created us. In Isaiah 46:9-11, our loving Heavenly Father says He knows the end of our life before it begins. That means, every day, He wants to direct us onto the right path to travel. Even though, we often go our own way, He never gives up offering us opportunities for miracles in place of our mistakes. 

Admit your mistakes

In marriage, we often fail to admit our mistakes to God. Instead, we blame our mate or someone else for why we didn’t do the right thing. I know from experience that, if I get out of denial and admit my error (with the help of our mutual enemy satan), I might feel like a failure in the sight of God. And worse, that God would never work in the mess I made. Sound familiar?

However, the Lord, in His awesome love and understanding knows we aren’t perfect and has already made ways of escape for us. You could call them “premeditated miracles”.  When Jesus was dying on the cross, long before you and I ever knew Him or accepted Him as Lord and Savior, He prayed, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing”. Jesus understood that our human nature, corrupted by sin, would lead us to rebel against His plans for us. 

Master of storms

So when you find yourself angry at your mate (who seems to bring out the worse in you), know that God is in the midst of your storm. Sometimes He allows the storm to come your way. Why do I say that? 

Jesus sent His disciples out on a boat, into a storm, and then walked on the water to meet them where they were. According to Mark 6:48, He intended to go past them because they were not expecting Him. 

Are you expecting the Almighty God to show up during your storm? He called out to them, “Don’t be afraid. Take courage! I am here!” (Mark 6:50). The disciples weren’t expecting Jesus and thought He was a ghost.

Exactly what was God after, leading these men into a dangerous storm? He wanted them to change directions and follow the path to prosperity and freedom. The moment they invited Jesus into their boat, the storm ceased, and He led them to a totally different destination. 

Instead of a household of anger, filled with threats of divorce, God wants to change your direction into one of peace, safety, and happiness. Our Father wants to turn your mistakes into   miracles—if you’ll let Him. 

Although Jonah clearly heard from God, he went in the opposite direction. The prophet also wound up on a boat, and the Lord sent a storm after him (Jonah 1:4). Once the captain woke him, Jonah admitted to the terrified sailors that he was running from God’s direction and plan. 

Own it

When the sailors asked Jonah what could be done, he said, “Throw me into the sea, and it will become calm again. I know that this terrible storm is all my fault” (Jonah 1:12). 

Like most of us, Jonah probably thought, since he messed up, God would have nothing to do with him. Once the sailors threw the man of God off the boat, the storm immediately stopped. This gives us a hint why some marriages are in constant storms. One or both of us haven’t admitted our mistakes. And until we do, storms continue to rage.

Now God sent a big fish to swallow Jonah and take him back to his destiny: Getting Nineveh to repent of their sins. Once Jonah repented of his own disobedience, “Then the Lord ordered the fish to spit Jonah out onto the beach” (Jonah 2:10). Finally, God gave him the same message to preach again. 

Steps to your miracle

All of us, at one time or another, have heard from God what we should do and how we should act toward our mate. But, like this obstinate prophet, we decided to go a different direction. And God, in His faithfulness, sent storms in our lives to get our attention. 

1. The first step in getting your miracle out of your mistake is to get out of denial. 
2. The second step is: Don’t quit! Go back, listen to God, and know that He has a great plan— even amid your mistakes. He hasn’t turned his back on you. In fact, He has been there all along saying, “I’m here. Trust me, and follow me.” 
3. The third step is: Get a vision of where God wants to take you. Once they brought Jesus into the boat, the disciples changed direction and wound up in Gennesaret, a fruitful and prosperous place. 

God wants to take your marriage to a prosperous and fruitful place as well. Take the time to admit your mistakes to God and to your mate. This gets a release for the miracle in your marriage. Miracles are available to all of us if we will follow God’s plan. God’s love can never be turned off. He is always ready to turn your mistakes into miracles.

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