Who says it’s over?

August 17, 2024 Michele Anastasi

After a few years of marriage, Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits! We went to a counselor who told us we were the two most incompatible people he had ever met, and we had two choices: Either divorce, or stay together and make each other miserable for the rest of our lives.

We went to a counselor who told us we were the two most incompatible people he had ever met.

Wow! And we paid good money for that advice.

Today we’ve been married 57 years, no divorce. And, yes, we make each other miserable at times. Most couples do.

I think that’s why we have such a heart for marriages and have always made ministry to couples a big part of the church.

What is God’s opinion?

In over 40 years of ministry, we’ve had the opportunity to counsel many married couples, newlyweds, oldie-weds and everything in between. Unfortunately, like Gaspar and I, couples don’t usually come for counsel until they’ve just about given up on their marriage.

Every time we talk with a couple on the verge of divorce, I can’t help but think… One day these two were madly in love with each other. They couldn’t wait to say, “I do.” And now they can hardly stand being in the same room.

When couples reach the conclusion that they should have never married… It was a mistake… They need to just end it… that’s when I want to blow a whistle and say, “Time-out guys! Who said it’s a mistake?” Your feelings? Your best friend who thinks your husband’s a jerk? Or his mother who thinks you’re a terrible wife? Where’s my whistle!

Who said your marriage is a mistake?” Your feelings? Your best friend who thinks your husband’s a jerk?

Okay, before you pack your bags and call the attorney, let me ask you a question: “Does God think your marriage is a big mistake?”

Usually one of the them will say, “I don’t know, but I’m sure a loving God doesn’t want us to stay in this painful, miserable marriage.” I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard various versions of that response.

I agree, God doesn’t enjoy seeing His children suffer. He hurts when we hurt, but that doesn’t mean He believes your marriage is a mistake. It means you’re unhappy (very unhappy) and you “feel” like your marriage is a mistake.

A lie many couples have bought into is this: If they’re unhappy and suffering, they obviously married the wrong person.

A higher plan maybe?

Sometimes I’ll ask the wife if she suffered during childbirth? The answer is obvious.

To her husband, “Were you in the delivery room?” Most husband’s are nowadays. And most men admit they’ve never seen such tremendous pain and suffering.

Can you both agree the suffering was worth the end result? If you can accept that, then just maybe the pain you’re in right now isn’t proof that you married the wrong person.

The pain is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed in your marriage. That’s different from saying your marriage is a mistake.

The pain is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed in your marriage.

C.S. Lewis said (and I paraphrase): “Pain is God’s megaphone. It gets our attention.” God may be using this difficult time to change and mature you. You may not realize it, but just maybe God has a higher plan, an unseen purpose for your marriage. And that’s why the enemy is trying so hard to destroy it.

When Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits because we were the two most incompatible people ever, little did we know that God had a bigger plan.

About five years later Gaspar was ordained, and Word of Life Ministries was born. Just a couple of years after that, the New Life Dream Centers were started. So many lives touched and changed! Was it worth the suffering and pain of our early years? Most definitely.

End of self, beginning of God

If you’re willing to take a step of faith and believe that God is bigger than your current problems, you may discover that He has so much more for you together. What seems like a big mistake may turn out to be a part of His master plan.

What seems like a big mistake may turn out to be a part of His master plan.

We usually ask couples to give us 6-8 weeks to pray and counsel with them. In cases where there’s been physical threats or abuse, separation is necessary—and much deeper counseling. Even when there is no abuse, some couples may benefit from a short period of separation for emotions to calm down, to stop arguing and saying things that make matters worse.

Fighting for your marriage may be the hardest thing you ever do. At some point you’ll probably feel like you can’t do it. When you come to the end of yourself you can come to the beginning of God. In Him all things in this world are held together. Let Him hold you and your marriage together.

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What’s time got to do with it?

September 16, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Relationship with God

God wants you to have a great marriage, but sometimes we work against His will. Truly, we talk about positive steps we can take to grow and strengthen our marriages. But rarely do we take note of the steps we make that destroy our marriage. So let me share a few very important ways couples cause their relationships to grow cold and even die.

By the way, you don’t have to be a non-Christian for these marital ills to work against you. We may think that going to church and reading our Bibles once in a while will make our marriages fireproof. That thinking only blinds us to the smoldering embers ready to ignite. When we enter into our marriage covenant, few of us see failure—quite the opposite. In our minds, we envision living happily ever after with the one who captured our heart… the one who chose us above all others. Right?

But somehow, we forget the steps that brought us to the altar in the first place—that place of true joy, happiness and fulfillment. Let me jog your memory and hopefully help you turn the ship around to fulfill the God-given dreams and expectations you both had.

Time with them

Remember how you used to make time for each other, no matter what? Even though you had a full-time job among many other demands and distractions, your girl/your guy was always your top priority. Remember the many sacrifices you made to safeguard those precious moments together? Above all others, they came first…

Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them.

Fast forward a few years and you let so many other things get in the way of what used to be non-negotiable. Work, other people, our personal pleasures—they all take precedent over our mate and the time we used to value with them. What happened? What changed?

Time with Him

We also get very lax in our relationship with God—personally and as a couple. Remember when you used to invest time praying for your future mate, never letting a day go by when you didn’t lift them up. We made sure God was the most important asset in our new life together.

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Sadly, our relationship with God is usually the first to take a hit when we get married. We stop seeking Him for ourselves and for our partner’s protection and peace. We also quit praying together for our marriage success. God gets put on the shelf even for the most important things in life.

This immediately opens the door for satan. Of course, our enemy gets to work making us hurt each other through rejection, anger, bitterness, etc. Thus, the walls of protection begin to come down around us. Couples start to take each other’s love, acts of kindness and mercy for granted and even respond instead with sarcasm and condemnation.

Return to your first love

Thankfully, all of these things I mentioned can be reversed. Choose to get out of denial and admit that you have left your first love for God and your mate. No, these problems didn’t happen overnight, but they will likely continue to grow the longer we refuse to stop and take inventory. Look at how far your marriage has fallen from your original dreams and hopeful expectations. Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

By now, you may have given up trying to make your marriage work— much less make it better. You think the scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for too long. Failure is not a given; so the choice is yours. God didn’t create you to fail, nor to be hopeless.

Put your priorities back on your God and your mate. Make a U-turn toward success.

The Lord doesn’t lose

The Lord has never lost a battle. And, because He is with you, you are on the winning side.You can win the battle against indifference, lack of desire and the impulse to give up. Remember: What God has put together, let no man (and that includes you, your husband and your wife) put asunder. In other words, choose NOT to give up on your marriage.

Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we start the climb back up, with God’s help. Of course, if you exchange the formula for disaster for the formula for success, you are bound to win. For your marriage to work, you both must choose the right priorities and the right principles.

As I said in the beginning, it is God’s will that you have a great marriage. But He leaves the choice up to you. Keep in mind that, at some future time, He will ask you what you did with His Word and with His Son Jesus. As a Christian, giving up is not an option because God has given you all the tools you need to succeed. Start your greatest comeback as a couple. God is with you!

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When God speaks

August 12, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Faith, Marriage, Relationship with God

Years ago when I was into reading women’s magazines, there was a monthly article called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” I wasn’t a Christian at the time and didn’t realize that everything I needed to know about life and marriage could be found in the Bible.

I came to Christ when Gaspar and I separated after five long, painful years of arguing and making each other absolutely miserable. That’s when I turned to the Word of God to make sense of my life.

The first time I opened the Bible, my eyes fell on Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” I had felt so alone and abandoned, but suddenly it was like God was speaking directly to me. I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me.

That was the beginning of the Lord healing my heart, changing me from the inside out, and giving me the faith to believe for the restoration of my marriage. I was blessed to find a good church where I was loved and nurtured in the Word and surrounded by sisters-in-Christ who prayed for and encouraged me.

I didn’t need magazine articles anymore. I had the God of the Universe talking to me.

What every marriage needs most

Your partner as top priority

Have you ever had a plant that you accidently ignored and forgot to water? Before long it shriveled up and died. The same thing can happen to a marriage. From my own experience and years of counseling hurting couples, I see many marriages falter because we put our relationship on the back burner. With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

With all the demands of life, it’s all too easy to forget that our marriage needs care and nurturing to thrive.

Yours may be in a bad place right now because of neglect. To save or revive your marriage, you need to make your partner your top priority and give them some much-needed attention. The ingredients for a healthy, thriving marriage are time, touch, attention, appreciation, and affirmation. Whether your marriage is totally withered or barely breathing, it can be revived and restored!

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A date night on the calendar

When couples are married for a while, they begin to take each other for granted. They lose touch with their partner, and their connection is broken. So the first step (and I’ve said this in more than a few blogs) is to schedule a regular date night. And don’t let anything get in the way of keeping it. When you do this, it speaks volumes. It says that your marriage is a priority. Having a regular date night will help you to reconnect again.

Reconnecting takes time and effort. We give the couples in our Sacred Marriage group questions to talk about on their date night. They all agree that the questions stir up conversation that helps them feel more connected.

Positive vibes in the heart

Another hinderance in marriage is focusing on all our partner’s negative points. It’s an easy habit to fall into, and it consumes our thinking, which affects our attitude and actions.

Healthy marriages thrive because the couples give more attention to praise and appreciation. Sharing words of affirmation does wonders.When something good happens, take notice and tell your spouse. It doesn’t have to be huge; the point is to change how you relate to each other. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Changing the way we think changes the way we feel, which changes the way we act.

Outreach for help

When we marry, no one tells us how to make it work. No one teaches us how to be a good husband or wife. It’s no wonder most couples just muddle through until they hit a brick wall. Every marriage can use some help navigating rough patches. Thank God for Pastors, counselors, and marriage coaches. Their help can guide you through issues that seem insurmountable. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience.

Up-reach to God

Even if your spouse has left or shows no interest in making things better, what’s stopping you from working on yourself? You become the person and spouse God wants you to be! When someone asks me, “Can I save my marriage alone?” I tell them, “You aren’t alone. God is with you and He’s on your side, fighting for your marriage.” When you change, everything around you will change. Working on who God created you to be can change your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Did I mention patience?

Saving a marriage takes a lot of unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, patience, time, patience, dying to self, patience, kindness, and a big dose of patience. You can’t do it in your own strength but, with God, all things are possible.

As you’re standing and believing for your marriage, don’t be discouraged. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Know that all the good seeds you’re planting will take time to sprout. Be patient and hold on to Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

God is speaking directly to you. Do you hear Him?

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Beautiful, glorious frustration

March 25, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Relationship with God

Yep, love is blind

Why is it that the very things we find so cute and endearing about someone we’re dating drive us up a wall once we say “I do?” I truly admired my future husband’s generous, I’ll-give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back character. People were always more important to him than things, and it amazed me how easily he gave. It was sweet until…

We got married, and he started giving away my things too!

We got married, and he started giving away my things too! Things like my favorite Bible… the last kitten from the litter (one I wanted to keep)…. His answer always went something like… “But, Babe, you’ve got other Bibles, and you have mama cat. They fell in love with that kitten.”

After several years of this, I’d tease him on my way out to run errands: “We have 3 children, and I expect to find 3 when I get back. Do not give one away.” That was a lot of years ago and we laugh about it today, but way back then it was frustrating. (I’m sure my husband has more than his share of stories about how I drove him crazy, but this is my blog!)

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God’s plan and our annoyance

Have you ever wondered why opposites attract? Why are we so different? Why couldn’t we spot this problem when we were dating? Does God get a chuckle out of putting such contrary personalities together?

It took me many years to realize that God, in His infinite wisdom, had a plan and purpose for pairing up opposites like us. He knew that our differences could be used as a tool to chip off each other’s rough edges; a tool to change and mature us into something better than we were… The people He created us to be.

Let’s face it, left to ourselves, we all think we’re just fine the way we are. It’s our mate that has issues and needs to change. So God uses marriage to help us work out our salvation—to show us what’s inside us that needs to go.

There’s good in the bad and ugly

Did you ever notice how your spouse has a way of bringing out the worst in you? They push all the right buttons that turn you into the ugliest version of yourself.

Marriage is such a deeply intimate relationship that our spouse sees and exposes the junk in us, the parts we work hard to keep hidden from everyone else. Marriage has a way of confronting our weaknesses, our emotional immaturity and transforming us in a way nothing else can. And we sure don’t appreciate that!

Marriage has a way of confronting our weaknesses, our emotional immaturity and transforming us in a way nothing else can.

To receive all that God intended from marriage, we must be transparent and honest with Him, ourselves and our mate. We must give up our unrealistic expectations; set aside hurts and disappointments; crucify ugly attitudes, selfish and self-centered actions. God never intended marriage to be easy, but He did intend our differences and unmet needs to drive us closer to Him.

Oh, and to that man I married 56 years ago, I say “Thank you, Honey, for helping God chip away my rough edges.”

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How to heal what’s broken

March 11, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationship with God

Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? You may have even thought it was impossible. The hurt and pain went so deep that you didn’t even want to think about forgiving. I know. I’ve been there and, if you’re married, I’m sure you have too.

My own struggle

Right from the start, let me say I (Michele) have struggled with forgiveness. It hasn’t come easy, and my heart goes out to those of you who have been wounded and are struggling too. It’s especially difficult when it’s your own spouse that has failed you somehow—you know, the one who promised to love and cherish you?

Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.

Having been raised by a very wounded and abusive parent, I came into marriage with a lot of unresolved anger. I stumbled onto a long road toward inner healing and, along the way, uncovered the resentment and anger I was carrying in my soul. In fact, one of the reasons Gaspar and I got into inner healing so many years ago was because of the past hurts we each carried. So what does healing have to do with forgiveness?

Take your marriage to the next level! Sit down with Pastor Michele Anastasi, our Certified Christian Life Coach, to gain new vision and direction for your marriage. Call (239) 244-3912 or go to BreakingFreeCC.com.

We must go back to move forward

When a couple comes into the Breaking Free office for counseling, we often suggest that they both go through inner healing prayer before they even start counseling. Why? Over the years, we found that unforgiveness and past hurts are at the root of most marital problems.

Uncovering and identifying past wounds from childhood begins to open the couple’s eyes to how these hurts have—not only affected them individually, but still are—affecting their marriage. Often, we must go back before we can go forward (Gaspar wrote a great blog about this). Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.

Looking to the past to understand the present gives us a new perspective and, hopefully, more compassion for each other.

In marriage, we hurt each other. It’s inevitable. And forgiveness is the most effective way to heal. If you’re still thinking “But you don’t know what he/she did.” No, I don’t. And like I said before, my heart hurts for the pain you’re going through, and my prayer is to see you freed from that pain. But I know from my own personal experience and years of counseling others, that the only way that pain will go away is by forgiving them.

Stop killing yourself

Trying to punish your partner by hanging on to anger and bitterness only hurts you. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiving an offending spouse isn’t a sign of weakness. Nor does it mean you’re condoning your husband or wife’s actions. Forgiving means that you want to let go of the pain and begin to heal. You want to please God and move forward.

Hanging on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about it. The greatest gift God gave us is the gift of forgiveness—through Jesus giving His life for us. He liberally pours out His unconditional forgiveness on us and in us so that we, in turn, can forgive others.

Choosing to forgive is one of the healthiest, most transformative decisions you can ever make for your marriage—and for yourself. Please know that you can forgive. Make the choice and God will give you the help you need to heal what’s broken.

For more on this topic, read Gaspar’s blog post Forgiveness: The breakfast of champions or mine When forgiving is hard….

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God’s delay is not His denial

March 4, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Relationship with God, unity in marriage

Waiting for God to answer our prayers is one of hardest things we face in life—and marriage. We all want Him to see our needs and respond immediately. But it rarely happens that way. When our “suddenly” doesn’t come, we may start to doubt God’s love. That’s because we base His love on the outcome rather than on who He is.

God is love, and everything He does (or doesn’t do) is because of that Love. We wrongly expect God to think and respond like us. Meanwhile, Isaiah 55:8 clearly tells us “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

Our Father’s love language

We all have a love language that makes us feel special and valued. My wife’s love language is words of affirmation. When I affirm her with my words, she feels my affection more strongly than a thousand I love you‘s.

God’s love language is trust. When you and I try to pull Him down into our understanding and our time frame to get the answers to our crisis situations, we reveal our lack of love for God. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us see what God the Father is doing or not doing in our marriage and line ourselves up with Him, instead of trying to fit Him into our natural understanding. God’s delay is not His denial.

When we patiently wait for God to answer our prayers, He receives our love.

Because God’s love language is trust, when you and I patiently wait for His answers to prayer, He receives our love. And many times, His answers are delayed. What is God doing during those times?

Settle it in your heart that God’s love for you is unconditional. It’s always there being poured over us, even when we don’t feel or see it.

The power in waiting

When God does answer our prayer, the answer isn’t only to benefit us. It is to benefit our mate as well. Seeing prayer through His eyes helps us get out of our selfcenteredness. Often, God invests the “wait time” in changing our hearts and ridding us of selfishness. If we ever get past the “what’s in it for me” mentality, we may see how the answer to my prayer can and should benefit my mate and our marriage. That transition is the beginning of your maturity as a husband or wife. And your value to your mate and your marriage increases exponentially.

Unfortunately, many of us live like married singles where it’s all about “me” —not us. We easily get annoyed with God when He doesn’t respond in our way and our timing. That causes a breach between us and Him. Our Father holds the key to our marital success. His love cannot be forced into our time frame and it cannot be manipulated for our own selfish purposes.

Often, God invests the “wait time” in changing our hearts and ridding us of selfishness.

Above all, God’s love should never be measured by the outcome. Because of His love, God may not answer your prayer at all. Or His answer may come when it seems “too late”. But that doesn’t change the fact that God loves you and wants to bless you, your mate, and ultimately your marriage.

God gets the glory

When Lazarus was sick, his sister Martha called for Jesus to come right away, before he died. But because Jesus loved Lazarus, He waited two more days to come. ^“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was,” (John 11:5, 6).

The God of the Universe finally showed up 4 days late! The Bible tells us “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). But His weeping had nothing to do with Lazarus’ death. God cried because Lazarus’ sisters Martha and Mary, whom He also loved, didn’t trust Him.

It was Jesus’ plan all along to raise Lazarus from the dead. His “delay” powerfully impacted—not just Lazarus and his sisters, but—all the people around them. Because Jesus lingered and didn’t come immediately, the people witnessed the glory of God. His delay caused many to believe and follow Him from that day on.

Never doubt the fact that God loves you. He honors your mate and your marriage. But it’s not just about you. Trust your Father to bring about the best possible outcome in His timing. God’s delay is not His denial.

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