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Scars that speak

Michele and I celebrated 58 years of marriage last month. And though there have been a lot of great times, we have had our share of hurt and suffering as well. Two becoming one takes a lot of God’s grace and hard work on both of our parts. Blending our lives together so that we can become a blessing to each other and the people we serve has been a great challenge and blessing. 

We have become more aware of the power of the cross and more grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.

We have become more aware of the power of the cross and more grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. Without His presence and power, we never would have been able to overcome the many obstacles our marriage faced. Living life always presents great challenges and opportunities to see ourselves the way God sees us and to see God for who He is. Each of us has learned to run to Jesus when our differences caused pain, rather than to take things into our own hands. 

Out of our hands and into His

We’ve tried enough to fix our problems ourselves to know it doesn’t bring any real solutions. In fact, our efforts drive us back into a self-centered, selfish life. We have come to understand, with our Father’s help, that pain isn’t our enemy. Rather, it is His voice letting us know that there is a deeper issue at the root of our problems. 

No, pain isn’t the main problem. Even though our words and actions sometimes cause hurt, the pain is just a symptom of something that goes deeper. It’s God’s way of saying you need to look deeper into yourself so that I could heal you at your core. When couples take their eyes off each other and stop blame-shifting and condemning each other, our Father is able to work on us personally. 

It’s hard to admit that we are damaged goods and that we need to be repaired. It takes a willingness to admit that we are still under construction. God our creator is the only one Who can fix us and make us whole. He is the only One—not your mate, not yourself. 

Fixing the foundation

Jesus not only died on the cross for our sins; He bore our sufferings. As a couple, knowing that should give us hope and strength to know “this too shall pass”. 

In times of pain and suffering, we need to run to the cross—not our mate or somebody outside of our marriage. When Jesus resurrected, He still bore the scars in His hands and the wound in His side. Those injuries became His identifying marks. So we can relate to them.

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Then he showed them the wounds of his hands and his side—they were overjoyed to see the Lord with their own eyes! …One of the twelve wasn’t present when Jesus appeared to them—it was Thomas, whose nickname was “the Twin.” So the disciples informed him, “We have seen the Lord with our own eyes!”

John 20:20, 24 & 25 (TPT)

Though he suffered the same hurts that we suffer, He also overcame them. That’s great news! It means we too can overcome our pain with His help. So run to the cross!

The scars on Jesus’ resurrected body say that He is committed to us long-term. He continues to restore and heal us. His scars tell us that He not only identifies with our sufferings, but He also participates in them.

Make the cross the center of your marriage, and happiness will become its by-product.

Run to the cross

Here are some choices that have helped me in my personal times of pain.

  1. It required courage and determination on my part to face my own weaknesses and failures and not blame my wife. Jesus’ death and resurrection brought encouragement to me to “keep on keeping on”.   
  2. I had to make a conscious choice to run after the cross and make the way of the cross a lifestyle, accepting Father God’s unconditional love rather than denying it. 
  3. I chose not to take satan’s bait and believe his lie that God doesn’t really care; that it’s my problem to fix—not His. 
  4. I needed to confront myself by listening to the voice of my hurts and ask God to show me the real cause of my pain. I had to choose to take my eyes off my mate as the cause of my suffering and begin to look deep into myself with the help of the Holy Spirit. Most often we conceal the roots of our suffering and prolong the healing of our own lives and our marriage. 
  5. I chose to shut out all the other options the enemy provided. The road to hell is paved with many lies and selfish options that, if you accept them, will leave you worse off than when you started. 
  6. I reminded myself that happiness isn’t my main purpose in marriage. It’s holiness. Once I got that fact into my heart, true happiness became a fruit of my marriage. If happiness is your main goal in marriage, you will always avoid self-examination and godly change. 

Make the cross the center of your marriage, and happiness will become its by-product. This year, bring your marital hurts to the cross. Make that a goal. I did, and happiness and fulfillment have become a way of life for me.


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Relax. It’s hard on purpose.

As I was reading John 17 the other morning, Jesus is at the end of His earthly ministry. The cross looms before Him. It’s the last time He will be alone with His chosen 12. The words He shares aren’t for the whole world. They are for those who left everything to follow Him.

Over and over, Jesus speaks of His love for His disciples and how they are to love one another. Our Savior prays for Himself; He prays for His followers; He prays for those who were yet to believe—you and me. In verse 11, He prays for us to be one with each other just as He and the Father are one. Oneness is unity. Oneness is being like Christ.

…Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, so that they may be one just as We are.

John 17:11 (AMP)

I couldn’t help but think how this applies to marriage. I wondered, Do people see Jesus in my marriage? Multitudes have accepted Christ without ever reading a Bible or setting foot in a church, all because they’ve seen the reality of God in the lives of His children.

The point of trouble

Why is unity in Christian marriages so important? Because it has the ability to impact the world like nothing else. Believe me. People are watching—not only how we relate to each other, but—how we deal with everyday trials like big unexpected bills, inconsiderate family members, rebellious kids, a demanding boss, broken promises…. Funny isn’t it? 

Like me, you’ve probably thought If I didn’t have all these problems, I’d be able to serve God better, not realizing our Father uses those very difficulties to draw us closer to Him.

Just like Jesus, we’re here in this world to testify that God is real, that the change He makes in us is real. We can’t live this Christian life without the power of His Holy Spirit. We can’t have a strong, godly, loving marriage without the power of the Holy Spirit making us one in spirit. 

Trials and difficulties keep pulling us back to the cross (at least they’re suppose to).

Did you ever wonder why marriage is so difficult at times? Why it’s sometimes easier to be nice to friends and acquaintances than to your spouse and family? It’s probably because your mate often makes life difficult for you. Yet it’s through your spouse and closest relationships that God draws you into oneness with Him and each other. 

Marriage-two become one
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Without the Holy Spirit, we can’t do it. We can’t keep loving unconditionally, keep forgiving and staying in unity in our own strength. Trials and difficulties keep pulling us back to the cross… (at least they are suppose to).

One thing God hates

While in the store the other day, I saw two mugs sold together. One said Mr. Right, and the other said Mrs. Always Right. It reminded me of how our marriage started out. We fell head-over-heels in love. Soon we were planning our wedding. I’m sure some friends or family warned us that marriage isn’t easy, that we would have big adjustments to make. But we tuned them out and tuned in to our song—“Happy Together” by the Turtles (stop laughing).

So maybe like us, you became man and wife. Eventually, you had your first big fight. Disillusionment set in. Maybe those friends and family knew what they were talking about. Marriage began to put demands on you, and you weren’t so sure it was worth it. You started to wonder, Maybe we’re not as compatible as I thought… (and that Turtle’s song was stupid anyway).

We often agree to disagree and then totally support each other. 

As I’ve shared before, Gaspar and I are total day-and-night opposites. Our opinions differ on everything. But, with the Holy Spirit, we’re in complete unity. Now being in unity doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything. We often agree to disagree and then totally support each other. 

By contrast, I used to think Gaspar had to agree with me on everything because, after all, I was Mrs. Always Right. And I had to prove it to him one way or another. Oh, how God hates dissension! He hates anything that breaks unity. 

He’s using your spouse

If He hates dissension, then why does God put opposites together? Because He expects your infuriating incompatibility to keep drawing you back to the cross, to die to self, die to pride, die to self-will, die to control and realize yet again you can’t have peace or unity in your marriage without the Holy Spirit.

If you’re married, rest assured that your spouse is one of the tools God will use to make you more like Jesus. So SMILE BIG… really big, and say, “God, will use my spouse to make me more like Jesus.” 

I can’t hear you! “God will use my spouse to make me more like Jesus.”

Remember John 17. Jesus Himself is praying for us to be one. And, friends, it doesn’t get any better than that!


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Making miracles from mistakes

Every marriage on planet earth is made up of people like you and me who make  a lot of mistakes. None of us is perfect. God knew that when He created us. In Isaiah 46:9-11, our loving Heavenly Father says He knows the end of our life before it begins. That means, every day, He wants to direct us onto the right path to travel. Even though, we often go our own way, He never gives up offering us opportunities for miracles in place of our mistakes. 

Remember the things I have done in the past. For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish.  I will call a swift bird of prey from the east— a leader from a distant land to come and do my bidding. I have said what I would do, and I will do it.

Isaiah 46:9-11 (NLT)

Admit your mistakes

In marriage, we often fail to admit our mistakes to God. Instead, we blame our mate or someone else for why we didn’t do the right thing. I know from experience that, if I get out of denial and admit my error (with the help of our mutual enemy satan), I might feel like a failure in the sight of God. And worse, that God would never work in the mess I made. Sound familiar?

However, the Lord, in His awesome love and understanding knows we aren’t perfect and has already made ways of escape for us. You could call them “premeditated miracles”.  When Jesus was dying on the cross, long before you and I ever knew Him or accepted Him as Lord and Savior, He prayed, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing”. Jesus understood that our human nature, corrupted by sin, would lead us to rebel against His plans for us. 

God has premeditated miracles waiting for you.

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Master of storms

So when you find yourself angry at your mate (who seems to bring out the worse in you), know that God is in the midst of your storm. Sometimes He allows the storm to come your way. Why do I say that? 

Jesus sent His disciples out on a boat, into a storm, and then walked on the water to meet them where they were. According to Mark 6:48, He intended to go past them because they were not expecting Him. 

Are you expecting the Almighty God to show up during your storm? He called out to them, “Don’t be afraid. Take courage! I am here!” (Mark 6:50). The disciples weren’t expecting Jesus and thought He was a ghost.

Exactly what was God after, leading these men into a dangerous storm? He wanted them to change directions and follow the path to prosperity and freedom. The moment they invited Jesus into their boat, the storm ceased, and He led them to a totally different destination. 

“Don’t be afraid. Take courage! I am here!”

Mark 6:50

Instead of a household of anger, filled with threats of divorce, God wants to change your direction into one of peace, safety, and happiness. Our Father wants to turn your mistakes into   miracles—if you’ll let Him. 

Although Jonah clearly heard from God, he went in the opposite direction. The prophet also wound up on a boat, and the Lord sent a storm after him (Jonah 1:4). Once the captain woke him, Jonah admitted to the terrified sailors that he was running from God’s direction and plan. 

Own it

When the sailors asked Jonah what could be done, he said, “Throw me into the sea, and it will become calm again. I know that this terrible storm is all my fault” (Jonah 1:12). 

Like most of us, Jonah probably thought, since he messed up, God would have nothing to do with him. Once the sailors threw the man of God off the boat, the storm immediately stopped. This gives us a hint why some marriages are in constant storms. One or both of us haven’t admitted our mistakes. And until we do, storms continue to rage.

Until we admit our mistakes, storms will continue to rage.

Now God sent a big fish to swallow Jonah and take him back to his destiny: Getting Nineveh to repent of their sins. Once Jonah repented of his own disobedience, “Then the Lord ordered the fish to spit Jonah out onto the beach” (Jonah 2:10). Finally, God gave him the same message to preach again. 

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Steps to your miracle

All of us, at one time or another, have heard from God what we should do and how we should act toward our mate. But, like this obstinate prophet, we decided to go a different direction. And God, in His faithfulness, sent storms in our lives to get our attention. 

  1. The first step in getting your miracle out of your mistake is to get out of denial
  2. The second step is: Don’t quit! Go back, listen to God, and know that He has a great plan— even amid your mistakes. He hasn’t turned his back on you. In fact, He has been there all along saying, “I’m here. Trust me, and follow me.” 
  3. The third step is: Get a vision of where God wants to take you. Once they brought Jesus into the boat, the disciples changed direction and wound up in Gennesaret, a fruitful and prosperous place. 

God wants to take your marriage to a prosperous and fruitful place as well. Take the time to admit your mistakes to God and to your mate. This gets a release for the miracle in your marriage. Miracles are available to all of us if we will follow God’s plan. God’s love can never be turned off. He is always ready to turn your mistakes into miracles.


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Get used to different

Make no mistake about it. Two becoming one, as the Bible defines marriage, takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. And, interestingly, God designs us to attract someone who is different from—and sometimes the exact opposite of—us. In fact, it’s usually their “differentness” that we find so attractive. The love of your life probably has personality attributes and behaviors that you admire and don’t possess yourself.

A strength and a stumbling block

One thing I always admired about my wife was her ability to clearly communicate and express her feelings about everything—especially what she liked and didn’t like. I, on the other hand, came from a family where children should be seen and not heard. So I never developed that skill. 

Interestingly, the very things that attracted me to Michele were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success and happiness. Communication was just one of our many variances. At some point, we concluded that, if our marriage was to succeed, we had to find ways to work out our differences. Now, as we approach 58 years of marriage, this process is still at work!

The very things that attracted me were the same things that later became a stumbling block to our success.

In truth, we wasted a good 10 years before we got serious about working at our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and my wife a whole lot of aggravation, pain and near-divorce. Have you discovered yet how you and your partner differ?

Many couples (too many) get divorced because they thought a trip to the altar would magically melt away all their problems. Why not, right? Our love should be more than enough. Others of us got married without a clue why. Oh, we thought we knew. But, in reality, we were attracted to their “differentness”. We admired the mystery—not knowing that these contrasts are a formula for trouble.

Improve your Self-Image. Get healed of Co-Dependency. Break the negative effects of Enabling. Attend this FREE Workshop by Dr. Gaspar Anastasi and Breaking Free Wellness Center Sat., November 23 at 10am, 1520 Royal Palm Square Blvd, Suite 320, Fort Myers. Register at (239)244-3912 or BreakingFreeCC.com

A daily dose of discovery

In a prior blog, I compared marriage to an automobile that needs regular maintenance—daily, in the case of marriage. If you neglect it, it will eventually demand your attention and investment just to work properly. Get used to a daily routine of discovery—discovering each other’s contrasts, then making the appropriate changes to accommodate the peace, joy and happiness you desire. 

YOU, yes you are to change to accommodate your husband or wife. That’s how oneness becomes a reality. When differences arise, you are NOT to do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you. God’s design is for us to work together, loving each other with His love and making changes to facilitate happiness and longevity. 

When differences arise, you should NOT do everything in your power to change your mate to accommodate you.

Dealing with different

  • First, celebrate your partner’s differences. God made you dissimilar on purpose. 
  • Next, make it clear that you are not trying to change them into a replica of you. Imagine two of you living together with all the same faults and behavior issues. It would be a disaster! 
  • Finally, get a strategy you both agree on to work at your union. It could be:
    • reading a book on marriage together a little bit every day, even taking turns reading to each other. 
    • praying together for each other every morning and meditating on the same scripture daily. 
    • Or you could do all of the above. It really wouldn’t take that long. 

Get a vision to work toward

Marriage is a long-term investment. Plan to consistently work at it for the rest of your life. Your work will pay great dividends, and it won’t be long before you see results. There is one other step that I believe is mandatory in everybody’s marriage. 

Begin setting goals for what you both want to accomplish in the next 6 months. After 6 months, review your list, checking off your achievements. Then set new goals for the next 6 months. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. Without a vision (for yourself or your marriage), you will fail, stagnate and eventually give up. 

So, what are you waiting for? Start working at your marriage, even if your partner is not ready yet. Work on you. There is power in one. And, before long, your mate will join you. The best is still yet to come!

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Proverbs 29:18, KJV

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Why your marriage needs a vision

Many married couples never actually grow in oneness. Nor do they experience the true joy in marriage God intended. Why? They have no vision. Meanwhile, Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision the people perish.” That literally means “my people accomplish nothing; nor have a real purpose in life.”  

When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.

Proverbs 29:18 (NLT)

You have a purpose together

A vision acts like railroad tracks that your life runs on. It provides stability, direction, a known destiny and, most importantly, it provides purpose. Without these elements, a marriage will be—at best—stuck in a rut… going around in circles. At its worst—headed for destruction and divorce. 

Make no mistake: Every marriage has a God-given purpose. The vision is simply one of the ways God speaks to us about our purpose. He brought you together for a reason. The vision reveals the direction and steps you are to take to fulfill His reason or purpose. 

Ways to envision

Thoughts, dreams, imaginations and visual downloads of things yet to come… These are all ways that God reveals His vision for you as a couple. Now these visions will often seem impossible. That’s normal. If it were possible without God, it wouldn’t be from God. The Almighty specializes in the impossible, but He needs our cooperation. Our part is to believe and act in faith for what He shows us.

God always speaks the end from the beginning—showing us what our future could look like; giving you a vision for what it could be; and then encouraging you to act on the plan with Him by setting goals to get there. This requires you to spend time together praying and dreaming about what your marriage could be and, most importantly, what God truly wants it to be. 

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Create a vision board

A while back, Michele and I made up a vision board which expresses our envisioned destiny through pictures and words. We decided what we believed God wanted to accomplish through our marriage and then found pictures and words that expressed those God-inspired ideas. We then glued them on a large tag board so that we could keep God’s vision for our marriage before our eyes daily. 

Remember, a vision is God’s road map that leads us to a chosen destination (a married life of success and fulfillment). 

Fight, fight, fight

However, know this: Our enemy satan will do everything he can to keep couples at odds with each other and distracted with a cluttered life, so that we don’t reach God’s destiny for us. 

Fight through all those distractions. And set aside time to come together with the purpose of hearing from God. Make it a priority. This act of agreement helps Him to download His vision for your marriage. 

A vision is God’s road map that leads us to a chosen destination (a married life of success and fulfillment). 

Start where you are

You might not see very far in the beginning, but start anyway.  As you are faithful with what He initially shows you, God will increase your ability to hear and see even more of His destiny for you as a team. Remember, it will take the both of you to hear clearly what God has planned for your marriage. 

As you journey into getting God’s vision for your marriage, let us know how it worked out. What were some of the obstacles you encountered, and how did you overcome them? Michele and I look forward to hearing from you!


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Get on the same team

The enemy’s job is to divide and conquer, and he is pretty good at it. As married couples, it is our job to be vigilant and stand strong against satan’s tactics. Allowing him to divide us as husband and wife is one of the most damaging things that can happen in a marriage. Even when you and your mate disagree, that conflict should never leave the house and be presented before other people. Satan is always looking for an open door. He knows that a house divided against itself will fall (Luke 11:17).

Don’t go public

When I was young, our family owned a wholesale Italian bakery, and I worked with my father in the business. It was a large company, very popular in the New York area. One important lesson I learned—besides how to run a business and how to work hard—was the importance of maintaining unity in the partnership. My father’s partners were his four brothers.

Being brothers, from time to time, they would get into disagreements about how the business should be run. I remember one time my father and his older brother were really going at it. The argument got so heated, I thought it might get physical. But just at that moment when their voices were at the highest decibel, a stranger walked in uninvited and took my uncle’s side.

I’ll never forget it. At that moment, my uncle immediately stopped fighting my father and turned on the stranger. Even though the man was on my uncle’s side, my uncle wouldn’t let him divide family, no matter how mad he was at my father. That was the unwritten law among the Anastasi brothers. Even though they had differences among themselves, no outsider was allowed to come between them. 

…Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.

— Luke 11:17
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Present a united front

My uncle’s response presents a valuable lesson for all married couples to embrace. No matter how bitterly you disagree, never let your differences be seen or heard outside of your home. Satan is always looking to divide you and, given the opportunity, he will enlist people to help him who have absolutely “no skin in the game”. Now I’m not suggesting that you ignore your differences, but rather always present a united front. You and your mate’s business is your business—no one else’s. When you solicit outsiders to take your side in marital conflicts, you invite the devil himself to war against your union. So many marriages are severely damaged by this very thing. 

You might say, “Pastor, you don’t know how much I’m hurting.” Maybe not, but you won’t get your conflict resolved by inviting people in. We’re not fighting against flesh and blood, but against demonic forces that are absolutely opposed to your marriage and looking for ways to help it fail (Eph. 6:12). Let me be clear that I’m not talking about counseling with a professional. If your marriage needs counseling, please get it. 

When you solicit outsiders to take your side in marital conflicts, you invite the devil himself to war against your union. 

Let unity attract God

So fight the temptation to expose your problems to the outside world. Instead, be a faithful team member and, at all cost, don’t take your marriage problems public.

Presenting a united front, even when there is conflict behind the scenes, will release the presence of God in the situationGod is attracted to unity. Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team. The help that you need to resolve conflict and go deeper in unity won’t come from the natural realm, but the spiritual. Your help comes from the Holy Spirit Himself. You, your mate, and the Holy Spirit are all on the same team, and a three-fold chord is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). 

And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

—Ecclesiastes 4:12, AMP

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