One recurring theme in marriage books that I have read over the years involve sacrificing yourself for your mate. But after repeatedly trying it in my own marriage, I’ve concluded that the so-called experts are wrong about that. When God created you, He didn’t make junk. Our Lord designed you to be a gift to your mate—and He didn’t make a mistake.

Now I do understand that you and I are a work in progress, and the Holy Spirit helps us become more Christ-like in the way He created us. But changing into a cheap copy of someone else will not make your marriage better. In fact, if you never get to know and celebrate who you really are—the one God designed in His likeness and image—you will never excel in your marriage. Stop trying to be somebody else! Instead, work on becoming who God uniquely intended you to be. 

Discover the one-of-a-kind you

God is pleased with the you He created. In Genesis, at the end of the sixth day, “God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good! (Gen. 1:31, MSG)” He designed each of us to express different facets of Himself, because no one individual can reflect the fullness of our omnipotent God. Each of us reveals Him in very different ways.

When I sacrifice my unique self to be somebody else “for the sake of my marriage” — I limit God’s ability to reveal Himself in me and my marriage. Plus, I cheat my mate out of getting to know God-in-me better. Our differences allow us to experience His love, mercy, and grace in many ways. 

Instead of sacrificing yourself to please your partner, work to improve the true you. It’s hard to love somebody who doesn’t know who they are, because that person is putting all their energy into being somebody else. 

God is pleased with the you He created…. He reveals Himself in each of us in very different ways. 

As a couple, agree to stop believing the lie that you must become another person to make your marriage work. When you first met, your husband or wife fell in love with you—not a phony replica. So why not just accept each other the way you are? 

Yes, there is always room for improvement. And you should discuss what improvements will make the original you better.  But sacrificing the real you to improve your marriage is a lost cause. This pretense will only draw you further apart. Marriage was created to refine—not replace—the real you. 

Lose the fig leaf

Repenting and crucifying our flesh is not easy. So instead we may put on a fig leaf. But I encourage you to admit your faults and let the Holy Spirit transform you into an even better version of yourself. Agree with your partner once again to accept the authentic you with all your various idiosyncrasies. It will take a great burden off you both. It’s amazing how much pressure comes against us every day to conform to some other image. Do it long enough and we forget who we really are and why you first fell in love. 

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out…. God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:2 (MSG)

You fell in love with the real John, the real Pam, the real Angela or Derrick. But living together exposes all our hidden faults. Agree to work on those exposed faults and fall in love with your partner all over again. Rediscover what you love about each other. Point out the things that first turned you on. It could be a very romantic and exhilarating experience. 

Don’t let the devil’s lies make you settle for just getting along when you can make your marriage great! With God, it’s never too late! 

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I am a better pastor because of my marriage. As discussed in past blogs, we tend to marry our opposite. Michele and I are so different that, early in our marriage, we both thought we had missed God and married the wrong person. In fact, the reverse was true. We couldn’t have known it then but, looking back, both she and I see how we have grown in the Lord by staying together. Our marriage has made us better people. 

Our marriage has made us better people. 

Lessons learned

I would have never been the kind of pastor I am today if I hadn’t learned to be patient and understanding with my wife. I learned empathy by putting myself in her place and seeking to understand her needs. Marriage made me a good listener, helped me give good, godly counsel and show compassion. 

It didn’t look like it at first, but God had a destiny for us individually and as a team. We were pushed into our destiny. Because we were so very different, we each needed to change just to make our marriage successful and pleasing to God. 

So be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny as a couple. Left to yourself, shifting your personality and outlook on life would never happen. You would be stuck in a prison seeing yourself, your mate, and life itself through your own limited understanding. 

Pushing is necessary. We get pushed into making right choices; pushed into surrounding ourselves with right people; and pushed into letting go of the wrong people (those no longer called to walk with us into our destiny). 

Be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny.

God’s creativity at work

Marriage is unique because It provides an atmosphere for God’s designs and plans to be accomplished in both your and your mate’s lives. Because of Michele’s and my differences, I recognized the value of reflecting and developing patience. For example, we were very dissimilar when it came to walking by faith and not by sight. Once I believe God is in something, I go for it immediately. Michele, on the other hand, is willing to wait as long as it takes for it to come to pass. 

We learned that sometimes she was right, and sometimes I was right. We got pushed into trusting God more and more. Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding”. I have been pushed into trusting the Lord so much more than I ever have. Remember God is your designer and He will push you throughout life to have you conformed to the destiny he has planned for you from the beginning of time. 

For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].

Ephesians 2:10, AMP

Ephesians. 2:10 says “We are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Instead of getting angry and bitter because you’re being forced to change because of your mate’s differences, thank the Lord for using those moments to push you into your God-given destiny.

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Every day that God blesses you to be married is a gift. But if you are always looking back on yesterday’s failures, how can you fully enjoy this wonderful gift of God? Failure is not the biggest problem we face in life, but not understanding why we failed is. Not knowing will keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over, which leads to boredom and stagnation.

The great news is that your marriage has a purpose! But if you’re both going around and around like a ferris wheel, you’re not growing and fulfilling the purpose for which God brought you together. If you’re just going through the motions and the fire you once had has gone out, you’re not alone. But don’t worry or give up. Let’s talk about how to restart the fire and feel fulfilled again. 

God didn’t make a mistake

Start by recognizing that God didn’t make a mistake by putting the two of you together. He knew that you were a world apart, and yet He brought you into each other’s lives by design. Accept your mate’s differences instead of trying to change them into a little version of you. That is a major first step in re-lighting the fire in your marriage. 

In our early years of marriage, I tried to make Michele more like me—and she did the same thing. That didn’t work out so well. In fact, our efforts brought us to the brink of divorce. Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one. You need what your spouse has, and it’s something you could never attain alone. 

Seeing your differences as a plus and not a minus, a blessing and not a curse, will revolutionize the way you look at your marriage. Just think: You never could have fulfilled God’s ultimate purpose for your life alone. You need your marriage partner, and he or she needs you. That revelation alone should radically change your view of your mate from one of resentment or annoyance to great appreciation and thankfulness. 

God designed us so that we need someone different from ourselves or even completely opposite. Every day you both have an opportunity to fulfill God’s purpose: To change and be more Christ-like. You can thank your mate’s differences for helping you accomplish that. 

Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one.

Celebrate God’s gift

Instead of rejecting your better half and complaining about how much trouble they cause you, celebrate them by expressing your love to them and thanksgiving for them. No matter what they do or don’t do, focus on the fact that God designed them as a gift specially you. 

So what! You’ve made mistakes along the way. Like I said, failing doesn’t make you a failure. The strongest, most successful couples you know experience moments of failure in marriage. Giving up is simply not an option, especially because we have Jesus living in us and the Holy Spirit empowering us to see our marriages correctly. 

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God. That might just cause you to repent and ask their forgiveness for the way you have treated them and taken him or her for granted. Remember, your marriage partner is your best asset to fulfill God’s plans and purposes for your life—something you couldn’t have done yourself. 

So stop looking back and letting the devil tell you that your marriage was a mistake and your life is ruined because of it. Close the door on satan, and open the doorway of your mind to God. Now take hold of the precious gift God has given you, and love them with all your heart.

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