In my last blog post, I (Michele) shared all the benefits of having a regular date night and how much it will improve your marriage. Another discipline that Gaspar and I recently added to our weekly schedule is a marriage meeting. (We never suggest couples do something that we haven’t first tried ourselves and find valuable.)
So we’ve been having a weekly marriage meeting for a while now. And to be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without one. All I can say is, life in our household is running so much smoother.
To be honest, I don’t know how we functioned for so many years without a marriage meeting.
I can already hear some of you saying, “That’s crazy, having a formal weekly meeting with my spouse. I don’t need to make life any more difficult.”
My response: “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Think of it as investing time and energy in your marriage to keep it working well. We promise: If you give it a try, after a very short time, you’ll see the benefits.
The business of marriage
Imagine if you and a partner were running a successful business. I’m sure you’d meet together at least once a week to discuss the goals and priorities for that week. Well you and your spouse are partners together in running a family business, your household, your finances, your children…. Isn’t that at least as important as running any company?
Until my husband and I started having weekly meetings, often we were going in opposite directions, which caused many frustrating issues.
What does a marriage meeting look like? We like to open our meeting in prayer, inviting the Holy Spirit’s Presence. You and your spouse are partners in this company, but God is the CEO.
A helpful meeting agenda
Our meeting consists of 5 parts: Appreciation, Catch-up questions, Chores, Good Times, and Problems and Challenges.
1. Appreciation
Each partner shares something they appreciate about the other person. Don’t skip this part thinking it’s silly. Appreciation is like a healing balm for a relationship. It heals hurts and softens difficult issues. It starts the meeting off on a positive note.
2. Catch-up questions
Be sure and have your calendar with you. You’re going to be scheduling things you’ll have to write down. Some suggestions for questions: What brought you joy this week? What was difficult for you this week? Is there anything I can do to help you this week? During this time you would discuss upcoming events that will take place between now and your next meeting. Also, review future dates on your calendar that might need extra planning like Birthdays, Holidays, out of town guests. This is also a good time to discuss work schedules, kids’ activities, church functions, appointments that need to be made and other commitments.
3. Chores
Chores and Finances: No one is looking for more work to do. But think of chores as tasks worth investing energy in to have a pleasant environment to live in. Discuss and agree on what needs to get done this week and who will do each task. It isn’t necessary to discuss chores that you’ve already established a routine for and are working well. Discuss chores and errands that aren’t getting done. Repairs that need to be made. Writing out a “to do” with specific deadlines is very helpful. Don’t demand your spouse do a certain chore.
Work at compromise. Remember, you’re on the same team. Strive to be flexible, helpful, and reasonable. Of course, if one partner works outside the home and the other doesn’t, chore division will fall more, but not totally, on the stay-at-home partner.
Strive to be flexible, helpful and reasonable.
Couples and Finances: If you and your spouse have an established plan for dealing with finances, then just a brief update on current bills, expenses, and savings can be discussed at this time. One of you might bring up a large expense like school tuition, or a needed major repair, and discuss how it will be paid. The topic of money is often emotionally charged because money often symbolizes control, power and security. If this is a sensitive topic in your marriage, it’s best to discuss it at the end during the Problems and Challenges part of your meeting.
4. Good Times
Planning for Good Times: This is a fun section. In this part of the meeting, you make plans for your Date Night. Remember, even if you’re busy or feel you can’t afford a night out, you can always plan a romantic at-home date. Family fun time is also important. The family that plays together, stays together. It’s easy to talk about date night and family outings, but if you don’t decide on a specific activity and time and put it on your calendar, you’ll usually end up doing nothing. By intentionally making plans for couple and family times, you’ll end up with a lot more fun in your life.
5. Problems & Challenges
This is your opportunity to bring up anything on your mind that is an issue or problem. How you address this section of your meeting is critical. Approach it with kindness and a mindset to solve problems—not argue. Try to reach mutually agreed upon decisions. Don’t blame. Attack the problem, not each other. If you discover over time that you’re unable to resolve a conflict and it’s driving a wedge between you, seek help from your Pastor or a counselor.
Some tips for success:
- Follow the recommended sequence: Appreciation, Catch-up questions/Calendar, Chores, Plan for Good Times, Problems and Challenges.
- Bring your appointment book or calendar.
- Keep meetings positive and upbeat.
- Don’t meet when either of you are hungry or tired.
- Don’t meet while eating a meal.
- Meeting at home is best.
- Don’t allow interruptions.
- Schedule your next Marriage Meeting before your current meeting ends, unless you’ve already established a set day and time each week.
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