Is your family hurting your marriage?

The holidays are right around the corner. Does that fill your heart with joy or dread? For many of us, this time of year raises painful childhood memories. In our Sacred Marriage group, we’ve been discussing our past and how our family of origin influences our marriage. Whether you realize it or not, the family you grew up in may still be affecting you today.

Blending family traditions

When couples marry, they face the huge challenge of trying to understand each other’s background; blend both together; and then develop their own family traditions. Since opposites always seem to attract, this is no easy feat.

One spouse may have come from a home where criticism and heated arguments happened every day. Meanwhile, their partner grew up never hearing raised voices. This couple will struggle in the blending process because their communication styles are radically different.

Some family experiences are so deeply ingrained that they negatively affect our marriage for years. And, if not healed, they can eventually cause divorce. In fact, most marital dysfunction stem from our family-of-origin.

Memories of abuse

In our many years of counseling, we’ve seen one or both spouses fall apart emotionally when talking about the events in their childhood—stories too horrible to repeat. These real-life experiences leave deep emotional scars. 

For others, the trauma is not nearly as devastating, but still painful—having suffered from constant criticism, rejection and neglect. A child fed a regular diet of emotional and verbal abuse often grows up judging and condemning themselves. Or worse, they abuse their own spouse and children.

Feelings of inadequacy

Children desperately want their parents’ approval. Some so yearn for that acceptance that they perform in every way possible to get it. As adults, they become co-dependent people-pleasers, lacking an identity of their own. 

Even children who were overprotected can struggle as adults. So much was done for them—including having all decisions made for them—that they lack confidence in themselves. They avoid the smallest decisions because of their fear of failure. This lack of self-esteem makes their spouse feel overburdened, forced to carry all family responsibilities alone.

When couples marry, they face the huge challenge of trying to understand each other’s background, blend both together, and then develop their own family traditions. 

Accepting your parents’ love

There are way too many family-of-origin issues to cover in this blog. But I want you to know one thing: Your parents wanted the best for you.You may disagree with me, but very few parents don’t ultimately want the best for their children. 

Unfortunately, even parents who want the best for their kids, often do horrible things. I’m not making excuses for them. Your parents likely raised you the way their parents raised them and so on. 

Also realize that, just like you, your parents dealt with stressors like unpaid bills, marital problems, unemployment, inflation, poor physical health, addictions—all of which can trigger harsh behavior toward the children.

You can accept the strong likelihood that your parents did (or do) care for you. Or you can fight it. However, refusing to accept their love continues the mental suffering for you—not them.

Lord, as we enter this holiday season, help us remember all we have to be thankful for. We put every trial, loss and heartache in Your healing hands and praise You for the gift of life in Your Son. Amen.

Help for past hurts

Some past memories are so painful we just want to blot them out, but that doesn’t solve the problem. You need to be freed from the hurt, and this often requires professional help. That’s where the Breaking Free Wellness Center comes in. Our trained prayer counselors can walk you through past hurts, bringing healing and freedom to you. Our Life Coaches can help you begin to live your best life ever (and avoid following in your parents’ footsteps in marriage and parenting).

Please pray with me: Lord, as we enter this holiday season, help us remember all we have to be thankful for. We put every trial, loss and heartache in Your healing hands and praise You for the gift of life in Your Son. Amen.

Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.…

Married to a stranger?

We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy?

Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very first thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that have been built. Restore trust that has been lost.

Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of being married is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and find ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more effective communicator with your spouse?

If today’s blog post has been a blessing to you, please let us know by commenting below.