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Posts by Michele Anastasi

It takes three

Sometimes it takes three

April 9, 2022 Michele Anastasi
2 Comments
Making positive change, Marriage

I had lunch with a dear friend last week, and she shared that she and her husband have separated. This isn’t the first time. They’ve been down this painful road before… but they keep trying because they really do love each other. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to live with. She assured me this time is the last, that the marriage is over. Even as she said it, we both knew it wasn’t. What she was really saying is “I want the pain to stop.”

The dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for.

How can something God Himself designed be surrounded by so much pain? God never instituted anything to make us miserable, so the problem must lie with us. And probably at the root of it is the fact that one or both of you have drifted away from your relationship with God.

Two become one
It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

More than a promise

Marriage is a covenant, which is much more than a promise. God’s plan is for marriage to last until death do you part. The covenant goes three ways—not just between you and your spouse, but—between you, your spouse, and God.

It’s no secret that Gaspar and I have been separated and on the verge of divorce a couple of times. So when I say the dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for, I speak from experience. You married each other because you were in love. Your heart’s desire was a marriage that made you both happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong, and what can you do to get it back?

Believe in resurrection

Your marriage can live again, but not without work. Some of you may be thinking like my friend, We’ve tried before… It won’t work. Or maybe you’re thinking I’m not even sure if I want this marriage anymore.

We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory.

Before I go any further, let me say: If there is any abuse at all in your marriage, separate immediately and don’t even think of reconciliation until the abusing spouse gets professional help. 

For other marriages where sin makes staying together more damaging than being apart, a temporary separation might help. Keep in mind that the goal of separation is always reconciliation—not to go back to the way things were. The “way things were” contributed to where you are now. 

Don’t go it alone

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get some counsel. Talk to your pastor or a qualified Christian marriage counselor and agree on a plan you’ll both work on. It’s fine if you meet separately for a time, but it’s critical for you both you to commit to regular counseling—even if you think you’ve done nothing wrong, and your spouse is the problem. You both need to learn new ways of relating to each other. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

A failing marriage is not something you should walk through alone. Before deciding anything, get counsel.

After a difficult season in your marriage, the peace and calm of living alone can feel wonderful. Don’t take that as a sign from God that you should divorce. See it for what it really is: a time of healing and growth. A time to draw closer to the Lord. A time to get into His Word and pray. A time where God can reveal areas of your life that you need to surrender to Him. 

God wants to heal your marriage, but He also wants you to become more like Jesus in the process. We serve an awesome God who is in the business of turning messes into miracles for His glory. He did it for us; He can do it for you.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.

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sacred marriage 2

Help for the struggling & ecstatically happy

March 26, 2022 Michele Anastasi
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Finding direction, Marriage, Relationship with God, Success & victory

A couple in our marriage group asked me to recommend a book they could read together. Without a second thought I said “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. Yes, this is the book we named our couples mentorship class after. It’s an all-time favorite of both Gaspar and I. This book truly impacted our marriage when we were going through a rough time. Sacred Marriage is a must read for every couple—dating, engaged, married, struggling, ecstatically happy…. It’s for everyone.

You can find Sacred Marriage at Lifeway, Faith Gateway, Christianbook, Amazon and others. Even Audible if you’re more of a listener.

Sacred Marriage is very different from most marriage books. For one thing, it puts forth the idea that the challenges in marriage are meant to draw us closer to God and mature us spiritually. But for marriage to grow us spiritually, we must be brutally honest with ourselves and each other. We need to do some soul-searching and fess-up to bad attitudes, selfishness, and unrealistic expectations. We also must rid ourselves of the notion that if we could just change our spouse to be more like us and maybe learn a few marriage principles, everything would be just fine. Been there… done that… It doesn’t work.

When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness.

Why romance is not enough

Romance is not enough. Why? Because God created marriage for a much deeper purpose than romance. He designed marriage, as Thomas says, “to make us holy more than to make us happy.” God is using our earthly marriage to prepare us to be the Bride of Christ. Unfortunately, we’ve all been influenced by the Hollywood version of love, romance, and marriage. Yes, love and romance are important to a healthy marriage, but romantic love alone doesn’t have what it takes to get you through the challenges marriage brings.

When the honeymoon phase fades as it always does, some couples think their marriage is over, they divorce and try to find that exhilarating passion with someone new. Only to find that, in time, it fades again. 

Other couples fall into an adversarial relationship—arguing, blaming each other for their unhappiness…. Instead of working together, they treat each other like enemies. Some couples become married singles, living a peaceful coexistence of separate lives. Determined couples that refuse to give up buy a copy of Sacred Marriage, read it together, get real, and get to work. 

Why this mutual pursuit of Christ

This work has as much to do with your relationship with Christ as it does with each other. Only as we grow in Christ do we develop what it takes to grow deeper in our marriages. Marriage calls us to an extremely selfless way of life, impossible without Christ living big in us.

Just as Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden each day, we can find even more meaning in our marriage by pursuing Him together. Recognize that He alone can fill the emptiness in our souls. We can try to make our marriages as happy and fulfilling as possible, but what we both crave more than anything, only God can give us. When our relationship with Christ is strong, we won’t put unrealistic demands on each other to compensate for our spiritual emptiness. 

This might sound strange for a marriage book, but the ultimate purpose of Sacred Marriage is not to make you love your spouse more. But that will happen. Its purpose is to equip you to love your God more. And thankfully that will happen too.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.

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What I learned the last 55 years

March 12, 2022 Michele Anastasi
10 Comments
Marriage, Success & victory

Gaspar-Michele-3pics

Last month, Gaspar and I celebrated our 55th wedding anniversary. That’s quite a few years! It even amazes me… and I lived it! In my mind, I’m still that 19-year-old blushing bride, but I’ve learned a lot in those years. It seems like we always learn the most from the difficult times. And like most couples, we’ve had our share.

So what nuggets of wisdom have I gleaned over five decades? Here are my top 10 ingredients for a successful marriage. I didn’t put them in any particular order, because I believe they all play an equally important role in a strong marriage.

Top 10 ingredients to a successful marriage

  1. Demonstrate Unconditional Love and Forgiveness.
    I know that’s two things, but some of these ingredients just seem to go together. A big part of unconditional love is forgiving each other. Not one of us is perfect. We all sin and make mistakes. We all cause each other hurt and pain, from the smallest slights to the deepest wounds. Could we really eliminate either of these ingredients and still call ourselves a Christian couple? Both are commands from God for all believers.

  2. Be Honest and Truthful.
    I can’t separate these two either. They’re a solid couple. Honesty involves a few key practices like never lying, never hiding the truth—or even purposely omitting it. Honesty in marriage means always telling your spouse the truth, even if they won’t like it. It builds a strong foundation for trust and, eventhough there are many ways besides dishonesty to break trust, honesty is key. Once trust has been broken, it’s a long hard road back to rebuilding it.

  3. Never Use the “D” Word.
    When we were young, foolish and unsaved, I would threaten divorce often. It was so destructive to our marriage and brought us to the brink of breaking up several times. I didn’t realize that was a word of death I was confessing over our marriage. After we came to the Lord, we promised—no matter how angry we got—we’d never use the “D” word again…and we haven’t. Marriage is a commitment between you, your mate and God. When you’re going through a rough time turn to the Lord, listen to Him, and do what He says. I promise He’ll see you through every time.

  4. Keep Intimacy Alive.
    Keep love alive with romance and physical intimacy. Both are so important to a healthy marriage. You’d be surprised how far a little romance will go toward strengthening your relationship. Tender touches, hugs, kisses and saying “I love you” every day will lead to even deeper, more gratifying intimacy.

  5. Communicate Well.
    Communication is probably one of the biggest struggles in marriages. But it’s worth working through because it affects every other area. A big part of communication is being a good listener and taking time to understand what your spouse needs. Of course, there will be disagreements. You and your mate have different personalities and see things differently. But successful couples respect each other’s opinions and learn the art of compromise.

  6. Get On the Same Team.
    You and your spouse have a common enemy—and it isn’t each other. His name is satan. Spiritual warfare in marriage is real. Satan wants to steal your joy and destroy your marriage. Even in the middle of a disagreement, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not your enemy. Remind each other that you’re on the same side; and unity—more than who’s right or wrong—is crucial.

  7. Accept Each Other.
    Lack of acceptance is a major relationship killer. We marry our spouse because we love who they are, not who we can change them into. It’s not our responsibility to play Holy Spirit for them. If we’re not careful, we can slip into thinking “I know best” in every matter. To build a strong marriage, we must focus on how we can become more Christlike and entrust our spouse to the Lord.

  8. Prioritize Couple’s Time.
    With work and family responsibilities, it’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner and take each other for granted. DON’T!!! We’ve said over and over how important it is to make time for just the two of you. Have a Date Night as often as you can. Even if you can’t go out. Put the children to bed and plan a special evening for just the two of you. The most successful couples vouch for this and agree it’s been a life-saver for their marriage.

  9. Encourage and Inspire.
    One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means to “inspire courage.” We all have areas and times in which we feel insecure. Your words can be a powerful tool to lift each other up and inspire the best in each other. Make this a practice: Look for one way to encourage the best in each other everyday.

  10. Put God at the Center.
    In everything you do, put God at the center of your marriage. Invite His Presence into everything. Make time to pray together each day. It only takes a few minutes to ask God to bless and protect each other. Consistently attend church. Share what you received from the message. Sharing your insights helps the message to become a part of you and draws you closer spiritually.  What an awesome role model and legacy to leave your children and grandchildren!

Whether you’re a newlywed or an oldie-wed like us, every marriage has its share of ups and downs: stress, poor communication, financial difficulties…. As we always say, marriage is hard work and, for Christian couples, the work is all about growing up and becoming more like Jesus. I pray the things I’ve shared with you today will help make your marriage even stronger.

  • Gaspar-Michele-retreat
  • Gaspar & Michele young

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.…

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When stress comes knocking

February 26, 2022 Michele Anastasi
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Healing in marriage, unity in marriage

It’s been a super stressful couple of weeks at the Anastasi house. You know the kind I’m talking about… where everything that could go wrong, does. I think we could all say that the past year or two with COVID outbreaks throughout our country and the world has raised the stress level in most families and marriages. 

It happens to the best of us

Every marriage faces stress on a regular basis. In fact, the strongest couples you know are probably the ones who have endured the most challenges together. 

Unfortunately, the pandemic just added to our already stressful lives by closing down schools, putting people out of work, stripping away many of our regular stress outlets like church services, getting together with friends, going out to dinner and a movie—all the things that gave us a sense of well-being and normalcy in life. So here we were housebound, lives turned upside down, with nothing left to do but get on each other’s nerves.

At this time more than ever, we need to take a more relaxed stance toward things. Overlook petty annoyances and be patient and kind to each other. Make an effort to appreciate the little things in each other that we may have taken for granted.

There will always be stress in marriage. Every season and stage brings challenges.

Popular stressors

It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

When Gaspar and I were first married, we dealt with in-law stress. Merging two families with different backgrounds is always challenging. But together we worked through it. 

For years, with a growing family, there was always financial stress making ends meet. Too much week and not enough paycheck. But with God’s help, we always managed to have enough. 

Working at our jobs is demanding and brings stress. Being in ministry is no different. Sometimes I think the stress is greater. It’s difficult not sharing the burden when you see people hurting and with so many needs.

“I know best”

Add to that, the stress of parenting today. It’s unbelievable! So glad ours are all adults now. But whether small or grown, our precious gifts from God bring stress—probably because we want so badly to do right by them.

I remember more than one disagreement when our kids were small, and it was usually my fault. I didn’t agree with the way my husband disciplined the children. I thought because I was with them more, I knew better than he did (and told him so over and over and over again). Until one day while I was in prayer probably complaining to God about my husband, the Lord stopped me in my tracks: “Michele, your children don’t need two mothers. So let Gaspar be the father I’ve called him to be.” Wow! That was the end of me telling him, “I know best”.

Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

“In sickness and in health”

The stress I mentioned at the beginning of the blog had to do with an accident I had and then a health issue. It made me think of our wedding vows… “in sickness and health.” When you or your spouse face health challenges and stress knocks at your door, it’s a time to give your love and support to each other more than ever.

So where am I going with this blog? I just want to encourage you. We’re living in the most stressful of times, and stress comes in all sizes and shapes. Keep God in the center of your marriage. He’ll never fail you. Face every challenge with faith, patience, teamwork, and—most important— unconditional love. With that combination you can’t fail.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please take a moment to comment below.…

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Young Asian couple

Hint: It makes the dream work

February 12, 2022 Michele Anastasi
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Marriage, Success & victory

Today’s Blog might ruffle a few feathers, but here goes. Finances are one of the greatest areas of tension in marriage. In fact, most divorced couples list unresolved financial conflict as the primary reason for their marital breakup. So if you and your spouse have argued about money, you’re not alone. 

Good communication is key to success with your finances, and the ideal time to discuss finances is before you marry. Unfortunately, most couples don’t. They think that because they’re in love, everything will just fall into place. But they find out all too quickly it doesn’t work that way. So if you’ve just muddled along and argued your way through one financial situation after another, now’s the time to talk. As they say, teamwork makes the dream work.

Open up about money

If you haven’t already, now is a good to share your financial background with each other: How you were raised… how your parents handled money… how they influenced you…. These conversations will give your spouse insight into how you view money.

One question always comes up when we’re counseling couples: “Is it okay to keep our money separate?” (Each having their own separate account and splitting up the household bills.) My husband and I don’t agree with this method and believe it only leads to problems down the road. Marriage is a partnership. It’s no longer “my money” and “your money.” The two become one, so it’s “our money.”

Be sure to agree ahead of time that there will be no arguing, blaming or bringing up past failures.

Two become one
It’s never too late (or too early) to make your marriage great! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

At this point, someone always complains: “But my spouse got us in debt awhile back and can’t be trusted with a joint account.” I can sympathize. Gaspar and I have had our share of financial mess-ups over the years. Some people are just naturally better with money than others, but honesty and trust are a must in all areas of marriage. A marriage is no place for secret accounts, clandestine credit cards or money stashed away. That’s deceitful and, if this describes you, it’s time to own up to the truth and begin working together toward financial trust.

It’s a good idea to have a monthly budget meeting. If you want unity in your finances, husband and wife need to work on them together.

Here’s a good place to start

If you’ve never worked with a budget before, here’s a good place to start. Take inventory of where your money is going. Write down every penny each of you spends over a one-month period and what it was spent on. After you have a list of spending and expenses, you’ll be able to see what adjustments need to be made and a budget set up that’s brought under the Lordship of Christ. It’s His perspective we want to live by.

You need to set aside a regular time each month where both of you discuss the budget for the upcoming month. Avoid having one partner creating the budget and the other just listening with no input. Remember the two become one—you’re a team. 

It’s His perspective we want to live by.

A budget is a chance to set goals you both agree on. It’s also an opportunity to review the previous month. Be sure to agree ahead of time that there will be no arguing, blaming, or bringing up past failures. If you want your finances to be a blessing, you need to develop your plan together.

Surely, there’s more to marriage than just money, but if you want to have a healthy partnership with your spouse, you both need to be on the same page. You need each other’s insights and strengths, especially the ones you’re weaker in. Together, you make a great team.

Please leave a comment below. We love to hear from you!

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Setting goals for the year ahead

January 29, 2022 Michele Anastasi
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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Back in August, I wrote a blog Understanding God’s plan for you and, in October, Kick off a successful partnership. Both talk about getting a vision and setting goals for a healthy marriage. So I ask: Have you started working on couple’s goals for 2022? We pray you won’t let the setback of the pandemic keep you from moving ahead in your relationship. I always feel like God has our attention at the beginning of a new year, getting us prepared for the season ahead. The new year presents a fresh opportunity to let go of some things and add others.

How we got started

Gaspar and I have been setting annual marriage goals for many years now. After our first year in ministry, we decided to set goals for the church. We made a five-year plan for every ministry, and God supernaturally accomplished it all—in two years instead of five. That’s what sold us on casting a vision, and we began applying the same principles to our personal lives.

Because goal-setting is a yearly event we both look forward to, it’s already on our calendars in December. We each take time in the weeks leading up to our planning date to consider some personal goals we want to put into our schedule.

marriage counseling/coaching

Let Breaking Free Counseling help you get your marriage back on track! Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Decisions, decisions

Marriage consists of so many decisions: Where do we invest our time… What needs immediate attention… Where should we spend our money… Once the two of you have set goals, decision-making becomes so much easier and keeps you both on the same page. Simply ask yourself, “Will this choice further our goals or hinder them?” 

Once you have set goals, decision-making becomes much easier and it keeps you on the same page.

Before you even begin setting goals, take some time to talk about how you’d like the coming year to go. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on? Discuss: 

  • how things went over the past year
  • what worked well, what didn’t
  • were there any problem areas?

We use our list of goals from the previous year to see what we’ve accomplished and what went by the wayside.

Set a time that’s good for both of you. If this is the first time you’re setting goals together, it may take more than one session. Get a notebook/paper, a calendar and decide what areas for which you want to set goals. Some of our top areas are: spiritual/ personal relationship with God, physical goals, classes we’re taking. We set these goals individually, and then we share them with each other. 

Setting marriage goals

Marriage is always the first area we discuss. We communicate a lot in this area, since its ministry we share. So basically we just set goals for things we want to do and accomplish. Some of the goals we’ve set over the years were: 

  • Read a marriage book together. 
  • Schedule a weekly date night. 
  • Have at least a 15-minute daily debrief sharing how our day went. 
  • Work on a project together. 
  • Read a couple’s devotional each morning. 
  • Schedule a get-away.

Setting family goals

Our goal-setting in this area of family is a lot different now that we’re empty-nesters. It’s more about planning for family get-togethers, outings, birthdays, holidays. When the children were younger we set goals for family vacations, having a weekly fun night. Goals included teaching our teenagers various skills like how to change a tire, write a check, prepare a meal, etc.

Well, I think you’ve got the idea. We may all have different couple goals, but the important thing is to have some. They give you a track to run on. And, if you stick with it, you’ll be thrilled with the results of having a check-up every month or two. Any little accomplishment you make is progress.

Make this your number one goal

One other thing. After you set your goals, be sure to bring them before the Lord and commit the new year to Him. Be open throughout the year in case God wants to change you plans. Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

We love to hear from you! Why not take a moment to comment below?

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