It’s not what it looks like

A great marriage takes a lot of work. Too many people give up when the going gets tough. And by doing so, they miss out on the tremendous blessing that God has designed for them as a couple. 

We hear a lot of negative things, especially today, about how bad it is being married. But you don’t hear very much about the good that a godly marriage produces in a person’s life. The problem is: We look at marriage through a wrong lens. It’s really not what it looks like. 

What’s happiness got to do with it?

The same erroneous viewpoint that dominates the world today also dominates our marriages. This view tells us that the main goal of marriage is “happiness”. Happiness comes, and happiness goes. Therefore, starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster. It’s not that happiness is a bad thing, but it is dependent on so many other factors in the marriage going right. 

Starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster.

Because we are two different people, we will invariably rub each other the wrong way. Happiness during those times is usually the last thing you will experience. But that doesn’t make your marriage a failure—not unless happiness was your main goal. 

Discover a greater love

Working out our differences and resolving conflict in our marriage with the help of the Holy Spirit not only produces a greater love and respect for one another but, in the end, it bears the fruitfulness of happiness. 

So happiness can come and go throughout years of marriage. That’s because of the need to develop oneness and spiritual growth in our lives and in our mutual bond. So maybe our definition of happiness needs to change, because it’s not what it looks like. 

Happiness in God’s eyes is two people learning to put Him in the center of their lives and union. It happens when, as a couple, we put the interest of our mate and our marriage before our own and gain the capacity to be selfless—not selfish. 

Happiness is not what it looks like through our natural understanding: Me first and you second. The thinking that goes “As long as I am happy, then and only then do we have a good marriage—no matter how you feel”. That thinking is absolutely wrong. It even sounds kind of ridiculous but, honestly, that’s how most of us live. So how can we turn this around and line ourselves up with God’s concept of happiness?  

The beauty of shared values

First of all, we need to decide what our values are and how necessary they are in our ability to enjoy a happy marriage. Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of us agreement with.

Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of you agreement with.

Let me list some of the values that are in our marriage. 

Value #1: Our relationship with God is our top priority—not only individually but also—as a couple. So Michele and I pray together, study together, teach together, go to church together…. All these shared values produce a lot of happiness in our lives. Can you see how knowing and applying your values create boundaries in your marriage which produce the fruit of happiness? 

Let’s talk about another value that Michele and I share that greatly enriches our marriage. It is the value of honoring one another. 

Value #2: Honoring each other includes understanding our likes and dislikes, our interests, wants and needs. This value hinges on communication which brings us into a greater oneness with each other. And unity produces the fruit of happiness. 

Again, notice how happiness isn’t the main goal, but living together with shared values produces a high level of happiness. Can you see that? 

Define your shared values

What are your values? Can you list at least 3 that you and your spouse agree on and are striving to live out? What do you think it would take to change your focus from pursuing “happiness” to pursuing godly values as your road map to a successful marriage? What do you think is the greatest stumbling block to accomplishing that?

Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.…

A season of repositioning

When Hurricane Ian hit Southwest Florida on September 30, 2022, it became the costliest and one of the deadliest in state history.  That storm changed so many things that it made me take a closer look at my life. I think the same thing happens when we hit a wall in our marriage. You could call it a marriage hurricane. During a season like that, there is no place to go but forward. 

Everything that happens in our lives comes through the hands of God— whether good or bad. The most important thing to concentrate on at this time is how we can cooperate with God to fulfill His destiny for our marriage. 

Everything that happens in our lives comes through the hands of God— whether good or bad.

A lesson from Isaiah

I think of the prophet Isaiah who ministered to four kings of Judah during his lifetime. In Isaiah 6:1, the prophet tells us that King Uzziah died. As God’s voice to the nation, Isaiah would guide kings into God’s will. But at this moment there is no king to serve, none to guide. At this moment, this godly man gets a fresh revelation of the God he would speak for for years. He sees the Lord “sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple (v. 4).” Judah lost their king, but in the process Isaiah rediscovered THE KING.

He had a new vision of the same God he had been serving for years—and a new vision of himself. The storm in his life caused him to seek God like never before. 

That’s what we need to do when we hit a wall in our marriages. We can’t solve our problems by our wisdom, intellect, or natural ability alone. It’s only through the Lord. You and I need to see Him in a different way, even in a different form. We get used to putting God in a box, expecting Him to do the same things He did in our marriage in past seasons.  

Judah lost their king, but in the process Isaiah rediscovered THE KING.

See God anew

How big and powerful is your God? Too often we make wrong decisions in marriage because we haven’t seen God clearly enough in our own lives—much less in our relationship. God will sometimes allow storms to come into our marriage to get us to rethink our position with Him. That is His way of pushing us to seek Him deeper. Problems give us that option. Now I say “option” because it’s a choice. Each of us must choose to put aside everything and pursue God with all our heart. 

Usually, life is filled with more pleasant options and distractions the devil conveniently provides. Storms remove those options. God might move out of your life ungodly counselors for a period. In their place, He may insert a new desire to cry out to God for help. He might close the door to the escape plan you prepared in case your marriage failed. Our loving Father could allow you to lose a job and suffer financial loss. He may simply insert a new desire and passion for your mate. 

No matter what storms bring into your marriage, God’s hand is in it. He wants you to seek Him and get a fresh revelation of who He is in your life and marriage. He wants you to really know that if God is for you, no enemy can proper against you (Rom. 8:31). And greater is He that’s in you than he that’s in the world (I John 4:4). 

God wants you to know that you can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens you (Phil. 4:13). 

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

God’s plan for your marriage

Once you have a new outlook concerning God and who you are in Him, your marriage can be repositioned for a great turnaround. It’s never too late to make your marriage great. And a great marriage is our God’s plan for the both of you. But if the storm doesn’t rage and our backs aren’t against the wall, would we be willing to reposition ourselves for greater blessings? The very thing we think is a curse may turn out to be a great blessing! Do the right thing in the season of trouble. Let God reposition you. The best is yet to come!

We love hearing from you. If you enjoyed this blog, please leave a comment below.…

Priority number two

Marriage should be the second highest priority in our lives as Christians. “What is my first priority?” you ask. That’s simple. It’s found in Mark 12:30: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.”

The second highest priority is found in verse 31: “And the second, like it, is this:‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” These two commandments—and notice they are commandments—represent the cross.

The geometry of the cross

The perpendicular beam of the cross represents our relationship and intimacy with God. The horizontal part corresponds to our relationship with our mate. Notice that our horizontal relationship between each other depends on our vertical connection to God. Both are important and necessary if we desire to please and serve God acceptably.

When you fight your mate, you fight the wrong battle.

Unfortunately in today’s church, working at our marriages is given lower priority. Meanwhile church involvement, our careers and our own self-interests are encouraged moreso. No wonder there are so many troubled marriages today!

Yes, marriage is made in heaven—meaning, ordained by God—but it must be worked out here on earth. Notice I used the word “work” because that’s what it takes (and a lot of it) to not only have a good marriage, but just to stay married. So let’s talk about what kind of effort it will take once you decide to make your marriage priority #2. Below I list a few things that will improve your marriage, and you can both start as soon as you finish reading this blog.

How to build a better marriage

1. Realize that you are not each other’s enemy. When you fight your mate, you are fighting the wrong battle. You should be fighting for and not against each other. Often the Goliaths we need to confront are inside of us—not outside. Fear of rejection, anger, unforgiveness or even feeling put down and condemned—these are the real enemies that God is exposing. Once exposed, you can fight the right battle in Jesus. Notice that I didn’t mention satan. Even though he is our enemy he isn’t directly attacking us but through some of the open doors that i mentioned above.
2. Give and receive forgiveness. You have both made mistakes. But more than anything, humbling yourself in this way gives God permission to enter your relationship. Meanwhile, unforgiveness blocks His presence and gives satan greater access to create turmoil.
3. Pray for your marriage. Set aside time every day to agree together, even for just a few minutes. “Where two or three are gathered together God is in the midst of you”. What a great promise that is!
4. Lastly, hold each other in your arms. Embrace for just 30 seconds at various times during each day without saying anything. This simple act allows your spirit and your mate’s to connect in a very special way. Walls will come down, and God’s love will begin to flow supernaturally.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.

Matt. 18:20 (CEB)

Now the challenge is to take these simple but profound steps, and put them into action—whether you feel like it or not. I am telling you that miracles will start happening in your marriage—even after just one week! Send me your testimonies and I will announce them in my next blog.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has been a blessing to you, please comment below.