Scars that speak
Michele and I will celebrate 55 years of marriage this coming February. And though there have been a lot of great times, we have had our share of hurt and suffering as well. Two becoming one takes a lot of God’s grace and hard work on both of our parts. Blending our lives together so that we can become a blessing to each other and the people we serve has been a great challenge and blessing.
We have become more aware of the power of the cross and more grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. Without His presence and power, we never would have been able to overcome the many obstacles our marriage faced. Living life always presents great challenges and opportunities to see ourselves the way God sees us and to see God for who He is. Each of us has learned to run to Jesus when our differences caused pain, rather than to take things into our own hands.
Out of our hands and into His
We’ve tried to fix our problems ourselves enough to know that doesn’t bring any real solutions. In fact, our efforts drive us back into a self-centered, selfish life. We have come to understand, with our Father’s help, that pain isn’t our enemy. Rather, it is His voice letting us know that there is a deeper issue at the root of our problems.
No, pain isn’t the main problem. Even though our words and actions sometimes cause hurt, the pain is just a symptom of something that goes deeper. It’s God’s way of saying you need to look deeper into yourself so that I could heal you at your core. When couples take their eyes off each other and stop blame-shifting and condemning each other, our Father is able to work on us personally.
It’s hard to admit that we are damaged goods and that we need to be repaired. It takes a willingness to admit that we are still under construction. God our creator is the only one Who can fix us and make us whole. He is the only One—not your mate, not yourself.
Fixing the foundation
Jesus not only died on the cross for our sins; He bore our sufferings. As a couple, knowing that should give us hope and strength to know “this too shall pass”.
In times of pain and suffering, we need to run to the cross—not our mate or somebody outside of our marriage. When Jesus resurrected, He still bore the scars in His hands and the wound in His side. Those injuries became His identifying marks. So we can relate to them.
Though he suffered the same hurts that we suffer, He also overcame them. That’s great news! It means we too can overcome our pain with His help. So run to the cross!
The scars on Jesus’ resurrected body say that He is committed to us long-term. He continues to restore and heal us. His scars tell us that He not only identifies with our sufferings, but He also participates in them. Here are some steps that have helped me in my personal times of pain.
Run to the cross
- It required courage and determination on my part to face my own weaknesses and failures and not blame my wife. Jesus’ death and resurrection brought encouragement to me to “keep on keeping on”.
- I had to make a conscious choice to run after the cross and make the way of the cross a lifestyle, accepting Father God’s unconditional love rather than denying it.
- I chose not to take satan’s bait and believe his lie that God doesn’t really care; that it’s my problem to fix—not His.
- I needed to confront myself by listening to the voice of my hurts and ask God to show me the real cause of my pain. I had to choose to take my eyes off my mate as the cause of my suffering and begin to look deep into myself with the help of the Holy Spirit. Most often we conceal the roots of our suffering and prolong the healing of our own lives and our marriage.
- I chose to shut out all the other options the enemy provided. The road to hell is paved with many lies and selfish options that, if you accept them, will leave you worse off than when you started.
- I reminded myself that happiness isn’t my main purpose in marriage. It’s holiness. Once I got that fact into my heart, true happiness became a fruit of my marriage. If happiness is your main goal in marriage, you will always avoid self-examination and godly change.
Make the cross the center of your marriage, and happiness will become its by-product. This new year, bring your marital hurts to the cross. Make that a goal. I did, and happiness and fulfilment have become a way of life for me.
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