It’s the little things…

March 18, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

My car was only two years old when I hit a pothole crossing the George Washington Bridge in New York. The vehicle immediately shut off, and my family and I were suddenly stranded on the side of the road. However, the problem wasn’t something big like the engine or transmission like I thought. A little pothole had caused a big jolt that tripped a tiny switch connected to the fuel line and sidelined my vehicle for hours—not to mention our family vacation. By design, this little safety feature shut off the entire engine to prevent a potential fire.

It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room or dreading coming home at all.

In the same way, it’s often the little things that determine the course of our relationships. It’s not always a huge problem that has your mate sleeping in a separate room from you—or dreading coming home at all. I’m talking about small issues that could be fixed by a slight adjustment in our attitude… a tiny tweak in our actions… a minor modification in our mindset. Yet, we are so prone to focus on major stumbling blocks that we may overlook the tiny action that started it all.

Beware of little foxes

God tells us in Song of Songs 2:15 “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

According to the Lord, when we overlook seemingly insignificant issues, we set up our relationship for failure. And we unknowingly allow the same things to repeat themselves again and again. Just because something is not in your face at this moment doesn’t make it insignificant.

You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.
Song of Songs 2:15 (TPT)

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Little foxes are hidden weaknesses and character flaws that we all have. We may have successfully covered them up for years or maybe even a lifetime. They went undetected because our focus has always been on the current big problem.

A storm, high winds or even an unexpected cold snap can destroy in a moment a garden we’ve nurtured for years. Even so, these natural disasters may not do nearly the damage as tiny insects we can barely see. Are you letting pests devastate your precious vegetation while you stand guard against a hurricane? Ask the Lord to show you the little things.

Time for a recall?

Car companies test their vehicles for safety before they put them on the market. Even so, every now and then manufacturers must recall a certain model. A little thing that went undetected or underestimated when the vehicle was built now creates great consequences for the driver or others on the road.

Our marriages are the same way. God is recalling many of us to fix issues that could cause our relationship to crash and burn. Going back to Solomon’s metaphor, what are the little foxes that are eating away at our intimacy and romance? What tiny thing has come between you and your mate and keeps them at odds with you? These little foxes may create big problems for us, but the solution may be surprisingly small. Ask your Father to show you and help you.

God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. Will you let Him?

Take the keys

Just like the keys God gives us to His kingdom, the solution to your marriage problem may be something very small compared the doors it will open. God wants to make an adjustment in you to bring peace in your marriage. The question is: Will you let Him? Will you allow God to do a recall in your life? Or will you let pride keep you from submitting to His alterations?

How many people actually bring their car back to the dealership when they get a recall letter? Not many. Your marriage is more precious and important than any car. So take some time to reflect and hear God’s voice when you’re in the midst of what you consider a BIG problem. Ask Him to show you the little things. Something you consider insignificant; some slight adjustment or minor change may alter the course of your marriage for the better. Remember it’s the little things that matter.

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Setting goals for the year ahead

January 29, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Making positive change, Marriage, Success & victory

Back in August, I wrote a blog Understanding God’s plan for you and, in October, Kick off a successful partnership. Both talk about getting a vision and setting goals for a healthy marriage. So I ask: Have you started working on couple’s goals for 2022? We pray you won’t let the setback of the pandemic keep you from moving ahead in your relationship. I always feel like God has our attention at the beginning of a new year, getting us prepared for the season ahead. The new year presents a fresh opportunity to let go of some things and add others.

How we got started

Gaspar and I have been setting annual marriage goals for many years now. After our first year in ministry, we decided to set goals for the church. We made a five-year plan for every ministry, and God supernaturally accomplished it all—in two years instead of five. That’s what sold us on casting a vision, and we began applying the same principles to our personal lives.

Because goal-setting is a yearly event we both look forward to, it’s already on our calendars in December. We each take time in the weeks leading up to our planning date to consider some personal goals we want to put into our schedule.

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Decisions, decisions

Marriage consists of so many decisions: Where do we invest our time… What needs immediate attention… Where should we spend our money… Once the two of you have set goals, decision-making becomes so much easier and keeps you both on the same page. Simply ask yourself, “Will this choice further our goals or hinder them?”

Once you have set goals, decision-making becomes much easier and it keeps you on the same page.

Before you even begin setting goals, take some time to talk about how you’d like the coming year to go. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on? Discuss:

how things went over the past year
what worked well, what didn’t
were there any problem areas?

We use our list of goals from the previous year to see what we’ve accomplished and what went by the wayside.

Set a time that’s good for both of you. If this is the first time you’re setting goals together, it may take more than one session. Get a notebook/paper, a calendar and decide what areas for which you want to set goals. Some of our top areas are: spiritual/ personal relationship with God, physical goals, classes we’re taking. We set these goals individually, and then we share them with each other.

Setting marriage goals

Marriage is always the first area we discuss. We communicate a lot in this area, since its ministry we share. So basically we just set goals for things we want to do and accomplish. Some of the goals we’ve set over the years were:

Read a marriage book together.
Schedule a weekly date night.
Have at least a 15-minute daily debrief sharing how our day went.
Work on a project together.
Read a couple’s devotional each morning.
Schedule a get-away.

Setting family goals

Our goal-setting in this area of family is a lot different now that we’re empty-nesters. It’s more about planning for family get-togethers, outings, birthdays, holidays. When the children were younger we set goals for family vacations, having a weekly fun night. Goals included teaching our teenagers various skills like how to change a tire, write a check, prepare a meal, etc.

Well, I think you’ve got the idea. We may all have different couple goals, but the important thing is to have some. They give you a track to run on. And, if you stick with it, you’ll be thrilled with the results of having a check-up every month or two. Any little accomplishment you make is progress.

Make this your number one goal

One other thing. After you set your goals, be sure to bring them before the Lord and commit the new year to Him. Be open throughout the year in case God wants to change you plans. Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

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Awaken the superhero in you

January 22, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Faith, Marriage, Success & victory

A healthy spirit enables us to communicate with God and one another. Spiritually healthy couples can meet each other through their spirit being—not just their emotions and physical body. Your human spirit, when healthy and fully awake, connects with your mate and demonstrates empathy for them.

That means your spirit can identify with your mate’s deep inner needs and actually feels what they feel. We become aware of our mate’s emotions beyond just our intellect. Being spiritually awake gives us the ability to know what he or she needs and how to meet the need without having to guess. Couples that are spiritually healthy can discern when their mate needs a hug; when they need to be left alone; and when it’s important to reach out and invade their space.

Sleeping spirits and hurting hearts

Couples with slumbering spirits are relegated to guessing what’s right to do and what’s not. Most of the time, they miss prime opportunities to communicate the kind of love for each other that will keep them together. The inability to connect with each other’s spirit (where true life and love stem from), is one of the major causes of divorce.

A husband’s slumbering spirit makes him selfish and self-centered, unable to connect with God and his mate as well. This husband thinks all is well, and he doesn’t understand why his wife is shutting down emotionally. He is disconnected from her heart because he is asleep spiritually.

A wife whose spirit is asleep might not recognize when her husband needs a word of encouragement instead of judgment. Therefore, she misses her opportunity to connect her love to his. We pay a lot of attention to the physical and emotional parts of us but very little to the spiritual.

Life that makes us one

Proverbs 4:23 says “Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.”

“Life” in this scripture refers to the God-kind of life that, when released in and through us, will bring the two of you into true oneness. As husband and wife, you will never reach true oneness unless you live your marriage out of a healthy spirit. True oneness is a place of joy, peace and fulfillment in your marriage. You can tell your spirit is slumbering when your love for one another is stale, stuck in the past or the romance/passion is gone.

Thankfully, there is something you both can do to revitalize your marriage and protect it from collapsing: Wake up your spirit. Here are a few suggestions.

How to awaken your spirit

1). Get out of denial and recognize that you need a new fire for your mate lit in your heart.

2). Recognize that you are a spirit, have a soul and live in a body. Ask God to forgive you for not nurturing your spirit. You nurture your spirit by feeding it the word of God and watching what enters your ear and eye gates.

3). Let your mate know that you desire a closer relationship with them. And whether they do or not, you will pursue oneness with your whole heart. That’s when your faith in God will be released in and through your spirit to remove the mountains of indifference and slumber in your spirit.

4). Don’t give up. God’s life will be pumped into your spirit as you reconnect with His Spirit through His word. You will begin to discern your mate’s needs and navigate through their mood swings. You’ll begin to meet them right where they are and connect with their hearts.

It won’t be long before your husband or wife is inspired to awaken their slumbering spirit. I will give you more tips in my next blog. God bless you and thank you for reading our blogs. I hope they are helpful. If they are, I would like to hear from you.

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Every good marriage starts with one

January 15, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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God's love, Marriage

Have you been waiting for your spouse to change? Praying for your spouse to change? Arguing with your spouse to change? Let me guess… you haven’t gotten anywhere.

Maybe it’s time for a new strategy—a godly strategy. If you want your spouse to change, it’s a good idea to start by accepting them for who they are. When a person feels criticized and unappreciated, they dig their heels in and go into protection mode.

Happiness is a choice

Instead of arguing with and criticizing your spouse to change them, remind yourself of their positive qualities, the things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Believe it or not, they’re still that same person even if they’ve been hiding deep inside themself.

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In my last blog 2 weeks ago, I shared how changing your thinking has the power to change your marriage. When we improve our attitude and actions it makes all the difference in the world. Even when just one spouse alters their thinking and attitude, it can change their marriage for the better.

We look at the circumstances in our marriage and think they are what’s making us unhappy. The truth is it’s our attitude about the circumstances and how we choose to react to them that make us miserable. Happiness is a choice. Every day, you and I choose whether to focus on what we like or don’t like about our marriage.

Ball’s in your court

Really, it’s all a matter of how you see things. For instance, the wife can see all her problems as the husband’s fault. The husband would say he shuts her out because she constantly nags him. She says she nags him because he constantly shuts her out. With this kind of thinking, nothing ever changes.

Every marriage has its share of trials. All couples face difficult situations. Yet situations don’t determine the quality of your marriage. Your response does. The choice is yours. Choosing patience and understanding is always a better option than bitterness and despair.

You have the power to create an atmosphere of peace and acceptance, regardless of how your spouse acts. It takes two people to escalate any disagreement. And an environment of negativity and tension is difficult on the entire family.

Be the one

Why not make the decision to step up and be the one to change? When you change the way you see things, the way you think, your attitudes, the way you respond will change for the better. You can do it. I know you can. Why not commit to making the following two changes in this coming New Year. Just between you and God.

Stop Complaining. It doesn’t change anything. Quite the opposite. Constant criticism destroys all feelings of love and affection between you. Instead, it provokes anger and defensiveness. A spouse who complains they aren’t getting what they want from their partner should stop and look at how often they disrespect and criticize their husband or wife. To see an immediate difference in your marriage, stop complaining and do the next thing.
Be Grateful. Showing gratitude transcends all circumstances. When was the last time you told your spouse you appreciate them? Happily married couples aren’t happy because the don’t have problems. We all do. They aren’t happy because they don’t argue. All couples do. What they do have is an attitude of gratitude for their spouse.

Couples with a positive outlook do much better than those who let negativity rule. We generally learn to be optimistic or pessimistic in childhood and carry it with us throughout life. You may not be able to change what happened in your past, but you can take steps to ensure a better tomorrow. You be the one to change.

If you need help, we offer help for troubled marriages. I invite you to contact us at the Breaking Free Wellness Center.

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Make room for new!

January 8, 2022 Gaspar Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Making positive change, Marriage

As you’ve heard me (Gaspar) say before, marriage requires a lot of adjustments. If you’re not aware or prepared for change, you could get stuck in a holding pattern and not growing. Maybe, like many couples, you think the honeymoon will last forever. If you’re newly married and “didn’t get the memo”— it won’t. For those of us who have been married more than a year, this is not news.

The key to more and better

If you’re not prepared for change, you will likely fail and drop out of the marriage. Make room for the new! That’s the key to success when faced with continual change. Making room for the new is also necessary for growth, peace and joy in your marriage.

Now that doesn’t mean that what you two had before was wrong or bad. But for God to give you something better, you have to make room for better. Getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses helps to develop a deeper, more lasting love. Though that might be uncomfortable at times—let’s be real, all the time—the dividends will far surpass the price you pay.

As I always say, the best is yet to come. Holding on to yesterday’s victories and blessings will hinder God from releasing greater ones. So how do you make room for the new in your marriage? I’m glad you asked.

Where growth ends, death begins

1. You need what I call a “holy dissatisfaction”. That means you are grateful for all the victories you have won and the love and respect that you have for one another—but you are not satisfied. Thankful, yes! But satisfied? No, because you know there is more. God has much more for you both, but He can’t bring it if you are not expecting anything better. Satisfaction with the status quo is often the greatest hinderance to receiving the new and better.

2. Ask God to give you a greater passion for growth. Many of us have stopped growing in our love for God, and that fact is reflected in our love for our mate. Ask forgiveness for your indifference and apathy. When we—and therefore, our marriage—stop growing, then the opposite will happen. Our union will start dying.

Could it be that, even though you have had some really good times together, your marriage is actually dying? There is so much more God wants for your marriage! He brought you together as a couple so that you could experience greater fruitfulness in life than you could individually. Often, what our Father wants for us is more than we want or expect for ourselves!

Ask your wife (just kidding)

3. Talk to your mate. Discover the ideas, dreams and thoughts God has given him or her for this next season of life. You might be surprised at how many new things God has placed in their heart that never get revealed because you don’t open yourselves up to each other. Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat. Other times, we fear that our mate will think we “lost it”.

Sometimes couples get stuck trying to recreate the honeymoon phase, when that was only the starting gate—not the finish line. It’s time we wake up to the great, big, wonderful God who wants the best for our marriage. And make room for the new He has in store. It can never happen until we let go of the old.

What blessings from yesterday do you still hold on to? You see, that’s where the new must start: In your heart. Don’t chase the blessing; start chasing after God. Yes, make room in your heart for the new. But trying to change your mate won’t make it happen. Stay focused on you, and ask God to help you let go of the good so He can give you better. Your destiny awaits.

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Think about such things

January 1, 2022 Michele Anastasi

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Getting past the past, Making positive change, Marriage

Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

While reading this verse the other day, I (Michele) sensed the Holy Spirit whisper that this command is especially important in marriage.

Thousands of thoughts enter our minds every day. Unfortunately, most are negative. From the time we’re born, the enemy relentlessly bombards us with ungodly thoughts and hurtful experiences that attack our character, our ability, our relationships and our lives in general—trying to form a false identity in us that we’re worthless, insecure, defensive and angry. That’s not who God created us to be.

Dwell on the good

God is love and He created us to be loving, kind, patient, secure. We have to choose every day to dwell on what God says about us, our spouse, our marriage… and cast down the rest.

We have to, on purpose, notice and appreciate the good things our spouse brings into our life. When we get into the habit of doing that, it becomes easier to overlook the negative. I know it sounds simplistic but, honestly, by changing your thoughts and the way you see things, you can change your life and your marriage.

Our brain is an amazing organ. It likes patterns and connecting similar thoughts. When you focus on positive qualities in your spouse, your brain searches for more positive things to attach to the first thought. Likewise, if you focus on something negative, your brain begins to dig up more negative thoughts to build a story upon.

Choose your narrative

Every marriage has two stories.

Story one: A wife sees her husband as a workaholic who pays her little attention. He’s in his own little world, doesn’t communicate, and is distracted when she talks to him.

Story two: Same wife, but in this story she sees her husband as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, a caring father, a man who loves the Lord.

When a wife lives from the first story, she’s miserable, depressed and feels unloved. She thinks, “If he would just change and pay more attention to me, we’d have a better marriage and I’d be happy.” When you think like that, your actions toward your spouse are probably cold and distant.

But, when you live out of story two, you see your spouse as the good man he is. You’re grateful for his good qualities and act loving, patient and supportive of him.

Change your thoughts

We can’t change our spouse or anyone else, for that matter. We can only change ourselves by changing our thinking. Our thinking affects how we feel about our spouse, and our feelings affect how we treat our spouse. Surprisingly, when we change, those around us begin to change.

Our first thought is usually, “But what about me?” Let me assure you that every need your spouse isn’t fulfilling, Jesus will. He’ll pour into you everything you need, plus everything you need to love your spouse unconditionally.

Focusing on the positive qualities in each other is a discipline we all need to develop. Just because a negative thought enters your mind doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and let it affect you. Reject it as fast as it came and replace it with something that is “…noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy….” It’s the positive ways we speak and act toward each other daily that keep our marriages strong and loving.

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