How to conquer conflict

December 7, 2024 Michele Anastasi

Don’t you hate it when you accuse someone of something, only to find out later they didn’t do it… and that someone is your spouse? Yes, guilty as charged! Gaspar and I were cleaning out our home office, which has four floor-to-ceiling bookshelves overflowing with books. We knew it was time to either move or pare down. We started going through the books and making piles: keep… give away… throw away.

Everything went smoothly until a week later when I realized our family photo album was gone. It had been on one of those bookshelves which was now greatly pared down. I looked everywhere, to no avail. So I knew the culprit had to be my darling husband… He must’ve mistakenly thrown it out, I thought. And the moment he walked in the door, the thought became an accusation. Oh yes, an argument ensued! …well, it was mostly me accusing him.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have…..
James 4:1

What really causes arguments?

James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have…..”

That’s right, James, I do not have my photo album, and I want it back! All my husband said was, “That doesn’t even make sense. Why would I throw out a photo album?”

My response? “You were probably rushing and didn’t even notice.” End of discussion. My husband (bless his heart) doesn’t argue. Several days later (I’m ashamed to say), I found the album and sheepishly apologized. But on the lighter side, my motto is: “Never let a good problem go to waste. Turn it into a blog post!“

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Sensible people control their temper, they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Proverbs 19:11, NLT

How to fix fights

So, my advice is: The next time you feel an argument coming on, stop and ask yourself if it’s worth undermining your relationship? Maybe it’s time to learn a better way. Here are a few points to consider:

1. Remember your spouse is not your enemy

Satan is a master of deception and, by getting you and your spouse at odds with each other, he hurts your relationship with God. Plus, he hurts your testimony with those who don’t believe in God yet.

2. Check your own actions

Before you blame your spouse, take a good look at your own words and actions. Consider how God would have you respond. “Sensible people control their temper, they earn respect by overlooking wrongs” (Proverbs 19:11, NLT).

3. Make peace a priority

When the love and unity of your marriage is at stake, no argument is worth it. Consider Hebrews 12:14: “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.”

4. Walk in Grace

Grace is all about overlooking wrongs. When we do that, we earn our spouse’s respect. They begin to think of us as generous and forgiving, which makes it easier for them to be generous and forgiving in return.

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
Hebrews 12:14

If it really bothers you…

You might be wondering how you can overlook something that really bothers you. You can’t… and shouldn’t. The key is how you speak and what you say. Remember, this isn’t an enemy you’re confronting with accusations. This is the person you love and chose to spend your life with.

Work at creating an atmosphere of peace in your home. Learn to overlook little annoyances. Not every issue has to be a major catastrophe. Focus on preventing conflict before it even starts. Talk to each other; encourage and praise each other. Let grace abound, and you’ll find you’re creating an atmosphere where conflict doesn’t grow.

We would love to hear what steps you agreed on to bring life back to your marriage! Please comment below.

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Just one thing

October 5, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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unity in marriage

Most problems in marriage come down to just “one thing”. If only that “one thing”— the root of the disagreement—could be easily identified and dealt with, many arguments would cease. But the roots of trouble, much like actual tree roots in the ground, usually go unnoticed. We get so caught up with peripheral issues that we never spot the real culprit, the one thing that caused it from the start. For that reason, many marriages only obtain temporary peace and unity. We only deal with what we see and feel at that moment. Therefore, the root—the one thing—stays hidden and couples fight the same battles again and again.

If the “one thing”— the root of the disagreement—could be easily identified and dealt with, many arguments would cease.

A case in point

Let’s say, for example, you both have a financial issue. The one partner overspends. Meanwhile, the other partner is so tight with money, when they walk, their shoes squeak. This financial disparity creates much tension and even builds walls between the two. The wife accuses the husband of being selfish and spending money like a drunken sailor, not caring about their financial security and their future. On the other side, the husband calls the wife a control freak, saying she makes the marriage miserable by allowing no freedom to have fun. Here’s the question: Is spending money the real issue? Or is it something deeper?

The root of the problem usually goes a lot deeper than it appears on the surface. In this real-life example, the wife is very frugal with money because she was raised in poverty. Growing up, she and her family had little to nothing. In fact, the lack of basic needs drove them from home to home throughout her childhood. Deep down, she lives in fear of being homeless and destitute again. This constant fear is the “one thing” that causes this couple’s marital issues. Sadly, if they never discover this hidden root, their financial disagreement will arise over and over again. It never goes away.

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It could be you

You can insert any marriage problem. It all comes down to the same thing. As individuals, we must be willing to look deep inside ourselves and answer the question: “Why I am reacting to my mate this way?” I’m sure if we would take the time to dig out the “one thing” that causes us to respond negatively when faced with a persistent problem, we could more constructively confront it. But it takes courage to face ourselves and risk discovering we are the cause of the problem. “I’ve found the enemy, and it’s me.”

Be willing to look deep inside yourself and answer the question: “Why I am reacting to my mate this way?”

If couples could both agree to resolve conflicts in their marriage that way, they—not only gain greater respect for each other, but—become more merciful toward one another. Sooner or later, it will be the other partner’s turn to fess up to the “one thing” that is the root problem. That way, couples gain a lot of respect and honor towards each other because we all want peace, joy and harmony at all cost. Right?

Put your marriage first

When we couples put our marriage first, before our own desires and the need to be right all the time, we pave the way for true unity. Just one thing could be the cause of so many other issues in marriage.

Here are some other examples of marriage problems with hidden roots:

Feeling rejected all the time
The need to control our mate
Fear of being alone
Constant mistrust of our husband/wife

When trouble rises, first, be still and know that He is God.
~Psalm 46:10

These issues and many others can have devastating consequences in marriage, if not dealt with correctly. I encourage you to make an agreement with your mate that, when trouble rises, the first thing you both will do is be still and know that He is God(Psalm 46:10).

What I mean is this. Let God show you both what the root of the problem you’re facing really is. You’ll probably discover that, most of the time, it’s not what you thought. Sometimes it’s just that one thing, when discovered and dealt with, can make the difference between divorce and a blessed, fulfilled marriage.

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Married to a stranger?

September 21, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!

Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation! If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!

As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.

The way forward

The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.

Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy? Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.

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Never stop talking

Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very ﬁrst thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.

Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that you have built. Restore trust that you have lost.

Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.

Learn each other

Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of marriage is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and ﬁnd ourselves married to a stranger.

Question for today: What can you do to become a more eﬀective communicator with your spouse?

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Priority number two

September 7, 2024 Gaspar Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

Marriage should be the second highest priority in our lives as Christians. “What is my first priority?” you ask. That’s simple. It’s found in Mark 12:30: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.”

The second highest priority is found in verse 31: “And the second, like it, is this:‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” These two commandments—and notice they are commandments—represent the cross.

The geometry of the cross

The perpendicular beam of the cross represents our relationship and intimacy with God. The horizontal part corresponds to our relationship with our mate. Notice that our horizontal relationship between each other depends on our vertical connection to God. Both are important and necessary if we desire to please and serve God acceptably.

When you fight your mate, you’re engaging in the wrong battle.

Unfortunately in today’s church, working at our marriages is given lower priority. Meanwhile church involvement, our careers and our own self-interests are encouraged moreso. No wonder there are so many troubled marriages today!

Yes, marriage is made in heaven—meaning, ordained by God—but it must be worked out here on earth. Notice I used the word “work” because that’s what it takes (and a lot of it) to not only have a good marriage, but just to stay married. So let’s talk about what kind of effort it will take once you decide to make your marriage priority #2. Below I list a few things that will improve your marriage, and you can both start as soon as you finish reading this blog.

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How to build a better marriage

Realize that you are not each other’s enemy. When you fight your mate, you are fighting the wrong battle. You should be fighting for and not against each other. Often the Goliaths we need to confront are inside of us—not outside. Fear of rejection, anger, unforgiveness or even feeling put down and condemned—these are the real enemies that God is exposing. Once exposed, you can fight the right battle in Jesus. Notice that I didn’t mention satan. Even though he is our enemy he isn’t directly attacking us but through some of the open doors that i mentioned above.
Give and receive forgiveness. You have both made mistakes. But more than anything, humbling yourself in this way gives God permission to enter your relationship. Meanwhile, unforgiveness blocks His presence and gives satan greater access to create turmoil.
Pray for your marriage. Set aside time every day to agree together, even for just a few minutes. “Where two or three are gathered together God is in the midst of you”. What a great promise that is!
Lastly, hold each other in your arms. Embrace for just 30 seconds at various times during each day without saying anything. This simple act allows your spirit and your mate’s to connect in a very special way. Walls will come down, and God’s love will begin to flow supernaturally.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.
Matt. 18:20 (CEB)

Now the challenge is to take these simple but profound steps, and put them into action—whether you feel like it or not. I am telling you that miracles will start happening in your marriage—even after just one week! Send me your testimonies and I will announce them in my next blog.

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You, me and Him—pt. 2

June 22, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

To recap last week’s blog post: Having devotions as a couple is very important. I’m convinced that Adam and Eve were quite used to God coming and meeting with them. I think it would be odd if God’s first visit came only after they had sinned. God walking with Adam and Eve suggests His close, intimate relationship with His children—which includes us. I got the revelation that God did this often, perhaps daily “in the cool of the day”. Unlike them however, you and I don’t need to be afraid to face the Father because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

Power comes in pairs

Prayer is a very important part of your devotions. God speaks to us through His Word, and He also wants to hear from us in prayer. The Bible teaches us to pray on our own but also together.

Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.
Matthew 18:19-20

Years ago, Gaspar and I were praying individually for one of our children. It was a pretty serious situation, and we had been praying for about a year with no change. This was way before we started spending time with God together. I guess it was out of desperation that we started to cry out to God together. The answer we were believing for came one week later. That convinced to us that there was definitely greater power when we prayed together.

God speaks to us through His Word, and He also wants to hear from us in prayer.

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Getting started

If you and your spouse haven’t prayed together before, it may take some time to feel comfortable. Start with each of you spending just a few minutes praying aloud and, before long, your prayer time will increase naturally.

Prayer is also a way to seek God’s wisdom together. As you pray and come into agreement on issues, it builds trust and strength in your marriage. Praying together reminds you that God is the source and center of your lives.

As you pray and come into agreement on issues, it builds trust and strength in your marriage.

And finally, as with all other spiritual disciplines you’re setting a positive example for your children. Prayer is a learned behavior, and your act of faith and trust in God is one that your children will learn by example. When your kids see their parents reading the Word and praying together, they will see the value you place on it and will practice the same habits.

Sample Devotion

This sample devotion was borrowed from author Michelle Peterson’s #Stay Married: A Couple’s Devotional (Althea Press, 2017) and edited for the purposes of this blog post.

Some recommended devotionals…

Newlywed Couple’s Devotional by Chris & Jamie Bailey

Preparing Your Heart for Marriage by Gary Thomas

Christian Marriage Devotional for Couples by Teri Reeves

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You, me and Him—pt. 1

June 8, 2024 Michele Anastasi

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unity in marriage, unity with God

Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is diﬃcult. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is hard work. Even the Apostle Paul told us “there’s trouble in marriage” (1 Corinthians 7:28).

Having said that, God created marriage to reﬂect His glory to the world. He also created it to help form us into the image of Christ. Here’s the shocker: Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. Dying to self and becoming sanctiﬁed is not easy. But God knows exactly what we need to grow, exactly what we need to get our rough edges smoothed oﬀ.

God knows exactly what we need to grow and get our rough edges smoothed off.

Naked and unafraid

All that was for free. What I want to talk about today is another spiritual discipline in marriage: Couple’s devotions. As Christians, we know the importance of daily devotions. In fact, some of you already have a personal devotion time each day, and that’s great. So what’s the point of couple’s devotions if each of you already have your own time with God?

Well, honestly that’s what I thought too until one day while I was reading Genesis 3:8. It says Adam and Eve heard the sound of the Lord walking in the garden and hid themselves because the were afraid. They were afraid because they had just sinned, and now they had to face God “naked and ashamed.”

When couples spend time together with God, it opens the door to deeper spiritual conversations, grows our faith and helps keep us in unity.

I have no proof, but it seems clear to me that Adam and Eve were quite used to God coming and meeting with them. I think it would be odd if God’s first visit came only after they had sinned. God walking with Adam and Eve suggests His close, intimate relationship with His children—which includes us. I got the revelation that God did this often, perhaps daily “in the cool of the day”. What was different this time is that they were afraid.

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God wants in

Personal time with God is very important, but let’s not neglect the fact that God was in the garden because He wanted to spend time with Adam and Eve together.

When couples spend time together with God, it opens the door to deeper spiritual conversations, grows our faith and helps keep us in unity. It gives you and your spouse a way to spend special time together, talking about things that matter.

Any good habit—whether eating healthy, making time to exercise or saving money—takes time to develop. But it needs to start somewhere. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be valuable. There are so many good marriage devotionals to choose from. They usually start with a little anecdote about marriage, a couple of verses of scripture to meditate on, maybe a question to discuss and prayer for each other.

Set a goal

Your devotional time can be in the morning or evening, whatever works best for the two of you. Be flexible. Setting the goal for every day may be too much to keep up with at first. Perhaps starting with once a week would be better. Try that for a couple of months, then add another day. If you miss a week, don’t get discouraged, give yourself some grace, and pick up where you left oﬀ.

Be sure to look for next week’s blog post. I’ll shed more light on this important topic and share a good sample devotional. In the meantime, why not discuss doing devotions as a couple with your husband or wife and carve out a time to make it happen! [Continued next week]

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