What exactly is godly submission?

We were in a small group of couples a few weeks ago when the topic of submission in marriage came up. It didn’t take long for sparks to fly. Every man and woman had a different opinion or story to share. Thankfully, my husband stepped in with God’s opinion and tempers began to cool down. We can argue with each other all day long, but no one in the group wanted to dispute the Word of God.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function.

Submission has nothing to do with equality or superiority and everything to do with function. God holds every husband accountable for the way his family is managed. Most of the husbands in our group didn’t come right out and say it, but they inferred that being the head of their home meant whatever they say is law. 

Given authority vs earned authority

Godly headship involves not only “given” authority because God says the husband is the head, but it includes “earned” authority. The husband earns authority because of the quality of life and character he displays before his family.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love.

At the root of godly headship lies unconditional love. The apostle Paul wrote “husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus loves us unconditionally. He didn’t say, “I’ll love you if you obey me and do everything I say.” No, His love is unconditional no matter how we respond to Him.

Jesus displayed His love for us by sacrificing His own life. When a husband puts his family first before his own needs and desires, he not only operates in his “given” authority, but he has earned their hearts as well. He has a family that wants to follow his lead out of love and respect.

Let me tell you…

Submission did not come easy to this strong-willed girl. The first time I heard about submission in marriage was shortly after I became a Christian, and I said to the sweet woman leading the Bible Study, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Well she wasn’t and neither were the scriptures she shared with me that day. She patiently dealt with my baby Christian rough edges.

She explained that my earthly marriage was to be a reflection of my relationship with Christ. It made me think how many times I fail to submit to Jesus—my perfect, loving Savior. How many times I choose not to trust Him and insist on doing things my way. Ouch! Believe me, submission was and still is a struggle at times, but God lovingly deals with my heart. I’m also blessed with a very patient husband who shows me much grace.

The truth is, when we refuse to submit to our husbands we’re really saying, “God, you clearly don’t have control here. Do you see what my husband is doing? This decision is a bad one, and You aren’t doing anything about it. I’ll just step in and help You until You have time to fix it.”

What does godly submission look like?

For wives…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

• accepting bad behavior
• allowing abuse or violence
• giving sex on demand
• allowing your husband to control your relationship with God or family

It does mean

• showing your husband respect
• building him up
• honoring him
• following him as he leads you in a Christlike way.

For husbands…

Godly submission doesn’t mean

• forcing your wife to yield to your demands through control or intimidation.

It does mean

• you lead with the same unconditional love, sacrifice and servanthood that Christ demonstrated.
• like Christ, you give yourself in a way that makes her want to submit to your leading.

God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

Let’s not forget that submission in marriage is difficult for both husbands and wives, because we have a very real enemy who uses this topic to stir up hurt and negative feelings. Be patient and show each other grace. The benefits make it well worth the effort to keep at it. God honors and blesses the couple that live in submission to Him.

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