It’s not what it looks like

A great marriage takes a lot of work. Too many people give up when the going gets tough. And by doing so, they miss out on the tremendous blessing that God has designed for them as a couple. 

We hear a lot of negative things, especially today, about how bad it is being married. But you don’t hear very much about the good that a godly marriage produces in a person’s life. The problem is: We look at marriage through a wrong lens. It’s really not what it looks like. 

What’s happiness got to do with it?

The same erroneous viewpoint that dominates the world today also dominates our marriages. This view tells us that the main goal of marriage is “happiness”. Happiness comes, and happiness goes. Therefore, starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster. It’s not that happiness is a bad thing, but it is dependent on so many other factors in the marriage going right. 

Starting off a marriage with happiness as the goal will ultimately lead to disaster.

Because we are two different people, we will invariably rub each other the wrong way. Happiness during those times is usually the last thing you will experience. But that doesn’t make your marriage a failure—not unless happiness was your main goal. 

Discover a greater love

Working out our differences and resolving conflict in our marriage with the help of the Holy Spirit not only produces a greater love and respect for one another but, in the end, it bears the fruitfulness of happiness. 

So happiness can come and go throughout years of marriage. That’s because of the need to develop oneness and spiritual growth in our lives and in our mutual bond. So maybe our definition of happiness needs to change, because it’s not what it looks like. 

Happiness in God’s eyes is two people learning to put Him in the center of their lives and union. It happens when, as a couple, we put the interest of our mate and our marriage before our own and gain the capacity to be selfless—not selfish. 

Happiness is not what it looks like through our natural understanding: Me first and you second. The thinking that goes “As long as I am happy, then and only then do we have a good marriage—no matter how you feel”. That thinking is absolutely wrong. It even sounds kind of ridiculous but, honestly, that’s how most of us live. So how can we turn this around and line ourselves up with God’s concept of happiness?  

The beauty of shared values

First of all, we need to decide what our values are and how necessary they are in our ability to enjoy a happy marriage. Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of us agreement with.

Understand that happiness isn’t a value, but the result of having defined values that both of you agreement with.

Let me list some of the values that are in our marriage. 

Value #1: Our relationship with God is our top priority—not only individually but also—as a couple. So Michele and I pray together, study together, teach together, go to church together…. All these shared values produce a lot of happiness in our lives. Can you see how knowing and applying your values create boundaries in your marriage which produce the fruit of happiness? 

Let’s talk about another value that Michele and I share that greatly enriches our marriage. It is the value of honoring one another. 

Value #2: Honoring each other includes understanding our likes and dislikes, our interests, wants and needs. This value hinges on communication which brings us into a greater oneness with each other. And unity produces the fruit of happiness. 

Again, notice how happiness isn’t the main goal, but living together with shared values produces a high level of happiness. Can you see that? 

Define your shared values

What are your values? Can you list at least 3 that you and your spouse agree on and are striving to live out? What do you think it would take to change your focus from pursuing “happiness” to pursuing godly values as your road map to a successful marriage? What do you think is the greatest stumbling block to accomplishing that?

Why not take a moment to comment? We love to hear from you.