Give the unique gift of you

One recurring theme in marriage books that I have read over the years involve sacrificing yourself for your mate. But after repeatedly trying it in my own marriage, I’ve concluded that the so-called experts are wrong about that. When God created you, He didn’t make junk. Our Lord designed you to be a gift to your mate—and He didn’t make a mistake.

Now I do understand that you and I are a work in progress, and the Holy Spirit helps us become more Christ-like in the way He created us. But changing into a cheap copy of someone else will not make your marriage better. In fact, if you never get to know and celebrate who you really are—the one God designed in His likeness and image—you will never excel in your marriage. Stop trying to be somebody else! Instead, work on becoming who God uniquely intended you to be. 

Discover the one-of-a-kind you

God is pleased with the you He created. In Genesis, at the end of the sixth day, “God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good! (Gen. 1:31, MSG)” He designed each of us to express different facets of Himself, because no one individual can reflect the fullness of our omnipotent God. Each of us reveals Him in very different ways.

When I sacrifice my unique self to be somebody else “for the sake of my marriage” — I limit God’s ability to reveal Himself in me and my marriage. Plus, I cheat my mate out of getting to know God-in-me better. Our differences allow us to experience His love, mercy, and grace in many ways. 

Instead of sacrificing yourself to please your partner, work to improve the true you. It’s hard to love somebody who doesn’t know who they are, because that person is putting all their energy into being somebody else. 

God is pleased with the you He created…. He reveals Himself in each of us in very different ways. 

As a couple, agree to stop believing the lie that you must become another person to make your marriage work. When you first met, your husband or wife fell in love with you—not a phony replica. So why not just accept each other the way you are? 

Yes, there is always room for improvement. And you should discuss what improvements will make the original you better.  But sacrificing the real you to improve your marriage is a lost cause. This pretense will only draw you further apart. Marriage was created to refine—not replace—the real you. 

Lose the fig leaf

Repenting and crucifying our flesh is not easy. So instead we may put on a fig leaf. But I encourage you to admit your faults and let the Holy Spirit transform you into an even better version of yourself. Agree with your partner once again to accept the authentic you with all your various idiosyncrasies. It will take a great burden off you both. It’s amazing how much pressure comes against us every day to conform to some other image. Do it long enough and we forget who we really are and why you first fell in love. 

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out…. God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:2 (MSG)

You fell in love with the real John, the real Pam, the real Angela or Derrick. But living together exposes all our hidden faults. Agree to work on those exposed faults and fall in love with your partner all over again. Rediscover what you love about each other. Point out the things that first turned you on. It could be a very romantic and exhilarating experience. 

Don’t let the devil’s lies make you settle for just getting along when you can make your marriage great! With God, it’s never too late! 

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