Rejecting rejection: pt 2

January 6, 2024 Michele Anastasi

Rejection, Success & victory, unity in marriage

Last week in Part 1, I told my story of rejection. If you didn’t already, read it here.

God is the only one Who can heal a wounded heart. Scripture tells us that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. So why was I still so wounded and broken if I had Jesus in my life?

Forty years ago, emotional healing was rarely spoken of. Somehow, I came across a book by John and Paula Sandford, pioneers on the subject of inner healing. Being the mess I was, it spoke to my heart. And Gaspar and I started our quest to learn more.

Thus began our prayer counseling ministry—which more than 3 decades later has grown into Breaking Free Wellness Center. It’s my number one solution for rejection and other emotional healing. To have a trained prayer minister guide you through painful issues from the past is invaluable. Often the journey takes you along such dark, dismal paths that—without help—many of us would give up.

When people reject you, without realizing it, you feel betrayed by God. “Where was He in my pain?” you ask. Of course, Satan uses that opportunity to plant seeds of deception in your heart about yourself, about others and especially about God.

Expose inner vows

Growing up with an abusive mom, I believed I was bad. I couldn’t be any good for her to treat me the way she did. I thought God must not love me either to let me hurt like this. As a child, I remember thinking When I grow up, no one is ever going to hurt me or tell me what to do again. I had no idea I was making a vow that would profoundly affect my life.

You may not even realize that you’ve made vows. But think back to all the times you said, “I’ll never do this…” or “I’ll never do that….” We make vows because we think we can protect ourselves from future hurt. In actuality, these inner vows harden our hearts to the point that we can never fully give or receive love. Can you relate to this?

Ungodly beliefs are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God.

Maybe it wasn’t a parent who hurt you. It could have been a failed marriage—and you vowed you’d never trust again, marry again or let anyone get close to you. As a teen, you might have been betrayed by a group of girls and vowed never to trust females.

Lies are always at the root of such inner vows, forming ungodly beliefs. Every one of us holds some beliefs that aren’t true. When these beliefs are contrary to God’s Truth, we call them “ungodly beliefs.” They are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God. They affect our entire lives: every relationship we have; every decision we make; how we act and react; our very destiny.

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Reject the lies

Hurt, rejection, negative experiences and trauma create ungodly beliefs in us. The child whose father walks out on his family can grow up believing I’m not important or dad wouldn’t have left… People will always fail me.

Being made fun of, called names by siblings or peers, being criticized by a teacher or authority figure—all these can form the ungodly beliefs: No one will ever want me…I’m fat, I’m stupid…I’ll never amount to anything. These ungodly beliefs follow us right into adulthood and become assignments against us.

In the healing process, it’s very important to renounce these lies and break agreement with them. By believing lies, you forge an alliance with the enemy, giving him easy access to your life.

Start by forgiving

After renouncing Satan’s lies, it’s even more important to agree with what God says about you.

Start by forgiving those who contributed to forming the ungodly belief in you.
Ask God to forgive you for believing a lie and for judging those who hurt you. Pray and break the power of the lies from your life.
Find scripture that speaks Truth to these areas. This is the last and most important step to forgiving. Read those verses daily. Meditate on them. Memorize them until your mind becomes renewed with the Truth. Stick with it. Renewing your mind takes time.

Often, that’s why people don’t maintain their healing. Getting prayer is just one part of it. The most important part is renewing our mind with God’s Word.

Get to know the Healer

The next strategy is to develop intimacy with the Lord. I can hear you saying, “Yeah, I know that already.” But really spend time in His Word the Bible daily. Hear what He has to say to you through His word. Then pray, bringing Him your needs. Jealously guard this devotional time. Otherwise, other things will take its place.

Attend a good Bible-believing church where you can receive strength and support for your journey. Find a place where the uncompromised Word of God is taught.

Man praying with Bible — Spend time in the Bible daily. Hear what God has to say through His word. Then bring Him your needs.

Identify with the cross

Let me explain what I mean by identifying with the cross. Often we have a very limited concept of the cross. We know that Jesus died on the cross for our sin. He took our place and, when we accept Him as our Savior and Lord, when we die we go to Heaven. Yes, that’s true, but it doesn’t end there. That’s only one aspect of the cross. To identify with the cross, everything about the old me can and should die there. The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.

When Jesus hung on the cross He said, “It is finished.” It’s at the cross that all the power Satan had over us is broken. When you take what you’re still struggling with to the cross, it will be finished in your life too. Keep in mind that when you bring something to the cross, everything isn’t automatically fixed.

The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.

Let’s say you fly into a rage, start throwing things and kick over the trash can. All of a sudden you catch yourself and run to the cross. “Lord, help me. Forgive me for this anger. Cleanse me.” God says, “Of course you’re forgiven.” What a relief! But guess what? There’s still garbage and broken stuff all over the place. Who has to clean it up? You do! But God gives you the grace and the strength to do it. One by one you pick up the pieces. It’s all a part of identifying with the cross. It’s finished the moment you take it there. The rest is clean-up.

You have to take it there and let it die. Often, that’s where we get discouraged because we think it isn’t working. Satan is whispering in your ear, “I’m back. You’re not free. This doesn’t work.” He wants to scare you into giving up.

Keep your eyes on Jesus

Jesus heals the brokenhearted — Help and healing could be closer than you think! Call 239.244.3912 or visit BreakingFreeCC.com

Stop looking at the junk and look at Jesus! He set you free to live that way forever. Not just free from sin, but free from rejection, a wounded spirit, depression, self-hatred, anger—and the list goes on and on. Galatians 5:1 tells us: “Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “

“Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “
Galatians 5:1

So when Satan brings back those old feelings of rejection, pain, or bad memories, tell him where to go. Say, “Shut up, in Jesus’ name. You’re a liar! I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Rejection doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. It’s nailed to the cross, and it died there.” Remember, healing is yours. Christ set you free. Keep standing firm!

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Rejecting rejection: My story

December 30, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Rejection, Success & victory

Rejection is one of the most painful wounds you could ever receive. Not only does it damage your self-image and confidence, but rejection wounds your soul and spirit like nothing else can. Because God is Love, rejection is one of Satan’s weapons of choice. He works very hard using whatever and whomever he can to make us feel unloved and worthless.

Born unwanted

In my own life, seeds of rejection budded in me while still in my mother’s womb. As my tiny fingers and toes formed, so did the knowledge that I was unwanted. That might seem strange, but our spirit is fully formed at conception and can pick up on our mother’s feelings. Even medical science has proven that infants in utero are aware of and react to external stimuli.

In the 1940’s, many women who conceived out of wedlock used homemade remedies to try to abort unwanted pregnancy. Thankfully for me, none of those remedies did away with my physical existence. To add to my mother’s fear, doctors had warned her that giving birth could kill her because of a severe heart condition she had since childhood. I heard this sad story constantly growing up—reinforcing the fact that I was a mistake.

In my childhood and teen years, I endured physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother. She too grew up in an abusive home. All this turned me into one rejected mess! It was etched onto my soul that I was unwanted, had no value, and shouldn’t even exist.

Rebellion takes hold

As it often does, rejection turned into rebellion. A hardness began to grow inside me. I remember lying in bed as a child and vowing that I would never let anyone hurt me again. Subconsciously I said, “No more” and put on a defensive front for self-protection.

When I came to Christ in my twenties, I brought all that ugly baggage. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).

I loved God. I knew if I died I’d go to heaven, but I couldn’t get victory over the anger, rage, and rejection that controlled me. Yes, I let Christ touch and heal some areas. But in areas where I was most wounded, I remained unchanged. Healing takes time and commitment. It’s a process. After all these years, God is still working in me, still healing me.

When I came to Christ, I brought all that ugly baggage with me. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).

God is still working

I shared all that because most people don’t like to admit that they deal with rejection. They’ve spent much of their lives trying to cover it up with all kinds of defense mechanisms. You might be thinking, I’m ok. This isn’t for me. Trust me, God isn’t finished with you either. We all need more healing.

If you carry hurt or offense; if you get defensive at times; if anger sometimes rises up from nowhere; if you blame-shift or gossip even once in a while—guess what? You need more healing. Emotional healing is key to our spiritual growth. It’s key to breaking free and living well. You can’t mature spiritually while wounded emotionally.

You can’t mature spiritually if you are wounded emotionally.

His plan is perfect

Couple with adopted child — In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents.

The way I grew up—and maybe you too—was the exact opposite of what God planned for us. In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents. Our earthly father would be a reflection of God Himself: loving, caring, protecting. In this ideal world, our parents would lead us into a personal relationship with Christ, teach us the Word, take us to church and live godly lives before us. That was God’s perfect plan.

Sadly, sin entered that beautiful picture and perverted everything. Parents are more likely to pass on to their children the same brokenness and dysfunction in which they were raised. You can’t give what you don’t receive. Satan is a very real enemy, and he wants to destroy you any way he can. The younger the victim, the better he likes it.

When we don’t receive unconditional love and nurturing but get the exact opposite—abuse, criticism, anger, sarcasm, rejection—these things sink their roots deep into our souls. When you hear daily: “You always mess up… You can’t do anything right… You’re stupid… clumsy… ugly…(you fill in the blank)”—hear it enough and you begin to believe it. Inferiority, self-hatred, fear, and depression set in.

Rejection causes you to live life by your feelings. Your emotions control you. You make wrong choices to accommodate your fears and insecurities, and life keeps getting worse.

Your Father yearns to fill up all of your empty, broken places. He longs to make you whole.

It’s time you win

Know this: God has healing for you! Not only does He want to heal you, the Lord wants to be that perfect, loving Daddy to you. He desires to love you with a pure, healthy love. He yearns to fill up all of the empty, broken places inside of you. The Father longs to make you whole.

You may still carry pain from things you experienced many years ago. Satan was the one in control of those bad situations or people who hurt you. I think it’s time to take back what’s been stolen! Don’t you? It’s time you and I win! That’s what we’ll talk about next week: Solutions and strategies in the healing process.

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More fluent in love

December 2, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”. Since then, a number of spouses said to me they wish I had included specific suggestions for each one of the love languages.

Taking the time to learn what makes your spouse feel loved and then intentionally loving them in that way is a great gift. My first suggestion is, when you take the Love Language Quiz and get the results, spend some time discussing it together. (Just because you know your spouse’s love language doesn’t mean you’ll automatically know what they personally need to feel loved.)

Physical touch

“We know and love each other better because of it.”

When your spouse’s love language is physical touch, don’t think only of the act of love making. Physical touch includes so much more! Don’t let the day go by without touching them in a meaningful way. Some suggestions:

Cuddle in bed for a few minutes before getting up.
Always kiss hello and goodbye.
Hold hands often.
Give them a shoulder, neck or foot massage.
Cuddle while watching a movie together.
Hold hands and pray together.
Hug often.
Don’t forget at least one passionate kiss daily.
Put on some romantic music and dance together.
Cuddle before falling asleep.

Acts of service

For this love language, you’ll want to know what your spouse would like you to do. Acts of service require thought and effort. Some ideas:

Do a chore your spouse hates to do.
Ask what they need help with at the beginning of the week.
Respond to requests in a positive way rather than acting put off.
Make up a goody basket with their favorite treats.
Fill the car with gas.
Help prepare dinner or help clean up.
Make their coffee or tea in the morning.
Polish their shoes.
Make a coupon book of things you’ll do for them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert.

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Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy.

Quality time

The quality time love language centers around togetherness and giving your mate your undivided attention. Put your cell phone away. Shut down all electronics, and focus on your partner. When you do that, it touches their heart and makes them feel loved and important. Some suggestions to get you started:

Plan a special date night.
Take turns reading a book aloud together.
Go for coffee or ice cream and leave your phone in the car.
Cook dinner together.
Go for a walk around your neighborhood.
Start and end your day spending time talking.
Discuss and plan some marriage goals together.
Do a home project together.
Look for and start a hobby you’d both enjoy.
Once you make plans to do something, don’t cancel.

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation include so much. Kindness. Encouragement. Empathy. And seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. Think about what they would want to hear. For example:

“I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
“Thank you for all you do for me.”
“I admire the way you ______________.”
“I wouldn’t want to go through life without you.”
“No matter what happens, we’ll make it through this together.”
“I love every minute we’re together.”
“Thank you for being my best friend.”
“The best day of my life was the day I married you.”
“You make me feel safe.”
“You’re the best _____________ ever!”

Receiving gifts

Store-bought gifts aren’t the only way to speak this love language. And it’s not about how much you spend either. It’s the thought that goes into the gift. One wife told me her husband buys her gifts she doesn’t really want. Here’s a suggestion: If your spouse is trying to eat healthy and lose weight, a box of candy wouldn’t be the ideal gift. The gift should have special meaning to them. Always keep an eye out for things they’d love to be surprised with. Some ideas:

Place a small gift or love note in the bag they take to work or on a trip.
Listen for hints of things they love and make special occasions a big deal.
Give them a small gift every hour on the hour for their birthday.
Plan a surprise weekend getaway.
Fill a notebook with one thing you love about them every day for a year. Include pictures of the two of you.
Order a favorite childhood candy or snack.
Be willing to invest in something that matters to them.
After a trip, bring home a souvenir that made you think of them.
Make their favorite meal and dessert for no special reason.
Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them.

Our marriages are always happier when we—on purpose—try to bring each other joy. Hope you find these ideas helpful! You can always discover more suggestions on the internet. Regardless, we’d love to hear how these love language tips worked out for you!

If this blog has blessed you, leave a comment below and let us know. We love hearing from you! …

The power of encouragement

September 2, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Success & victory, unity in marriage

In marriage as in life, it’s easy to ridicule each other’s weaknesses and faults, to pour cold water on your mate’s enthusiasm. The world is full of discouragers. But as Christians, we have a duty to love and encourage one another just as God encourages us. Often, just receiving a word of praise, thanks, or appreciation from my wife has kept me on my feet and given me strength to fight through life’s difficulties.

Be otherly

Because human beings tend to be self-centered, criticism comes as naturally to us as flying does to an eagle. In fact, our selfishness makes it easier to criticize than to encourage. We can discourage our mate daily without considering the damage our words and behavior create. When our focus is mainly on self, we don’t think about the other person’s feelings—only our own.

I encourage you: Strive to be “otherly”. Find ways to edify or lift up your mate with your words and behavior. The very thing that you need from them you will receive once you give it. It’s not all about you. It’s really about God and your relationship with your mate.

We live in God’s kingdom which is upside-down. The world says “Take what you need and put yourself first.” But God says, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38). It’s the law of sowing and reaping. We reap what we sow.

Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over… For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.
Luke 6:38

woman and man hugging — Your willingness to sow kindness and encouragement will reap amazing results for your marriage!

Sticks and stones

The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” simply isn’t true. That’s why I have made it a habit to carefully evaluate my communication pattern to avoid negative and critical speech. But my technique includes not just my words, but also my tone of voice and actions. It’s possible to say one thing with our lips and relay an entirely different message with our behavior. Bottom line: Our heart has to be right with God before it can be right with our mate. “For out of the abundance of the heart [our] mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). When we fail to encourage, when we’re critical, we slowly chip away at the foundation of our own marriage.

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Matt. 12:34

You might have been raised that way. Maybe your parents used negative words to motivate you to do what they wanted. So, without realizing it, you brought that same detrimental behavior into your marriage. Think how much your parents’ hurtful words didn’t motivate you, and they won’t work on your spouse either. Instead, they built walls between you—maybe even to this day. If you see those same walls rising between you and your mate, it’s time to make a change.

Thorns into roses

Your willingness to sow kindness and encouragement (to be otherly) will reap amazing results for your marriage! To get you started, here are some edifying words to insert into your daily communications with your mate.

I appreciate you because __________________
I admire you for __________________
Thank you for __________________
You made me feel loved when __________________
I like being with you because __________________
You look terrific in that __________________
I’m so blessed that you’re my ___________________

Just sprinkling words of kindness like these into your marriage daily will radically transform your relationship from a patch of thorns to a bed of roses. You’ll need the help of the Holy Spirit to remind you and instruct you how and when to say them.

Bad habits take time to break, but it’s worth the effort. Make yourself available to hear from the Holy Spirit. This right turn toward encouragement and away from criticism will start you on a journey to jubilee—the recovery of everything that has been lost from your marriage or stolen by the enemy. Trust me, it works!

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Building blocks for a strong marriage (1)

July 29, 2023 Gaspar Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

When building a new house, we start with the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure turns out to be, without a good foundation, it will fall apart. I remember our first house had a problem with the foundation. Because it was built on unstable ground, it settled unevenly. The floors on one side of our new home were higher than the other. It was like climbing up or down a steep hill depending on what side you were on. As you can imagine, this imbalance in the physical structure created unneeded stress in our daily lives.

The same is true of marriage. When the foundation isn’t right, the rest of your union is negatively affected. That’s why the first building block for a successful marriage is a solid foundation. What makes a strong marriage foundation? First, you and your mate need to have the same values as a couple.

1. Establish godly values.

Many of us don’t think about our own values, much less our mate’s until well into the marriage. It’s after the honeymoon season is over that we begin to see our many differences. What’s important to one of you doesn’t matter to the other.

Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, align them with His values.

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This difference in values many times creates imbalance in our relationship. When you notice these contrasts, make time to discuss them. Don’t try to overlook them and hope that they’ll work themselves out. They won’t. In fact, over time these value differences have the potential to destroy your marriage.

Godly values are essential to a solid marriage. Luke 6:48 compares those of us who hear God’s word and put it into practice to a wise builder: “They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built (NIV).”

What does it mean to dig deep? Inspect the values you bring into your marriage and, with God’s help, make sure they line up with His values.

By the way, happiness should never be a marriage value, because you will always be disappointed. Happiness is a fruit that grows out of godly values within marriage. But remember: It’s never too late to make your marriage great!

2. Know who your enemy is.

Understand that satan will do everything he can to destroy your unity while remaining undetected. He dupes the husband and wife into thinking their mate is their enemy. So many couples remain blind to the spiritual warfare that they’re facing daily, and satan likes it that way.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Ephesians 6:12

The devil is like a chameleon blending in with its environment. Couples need to get the revelation that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).”

Recognizing your enemy is critical. Be smart. Discuss his strategies with each other and expose the tactics he is using against you.

MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE — It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy.

3. Commit to doing your part daily.

Marriage has a way of bringing out the best and worst in each other. And the tendency is to zero in on our mate’s failures while excusing our own. Couples could improve their marriage greatly if each partner simply took responsibility for their own failures and addressed them. Yes, it takes courage. But admitting your weaknesses and being willing to work on them will improve your marriage immensely! Be transparent with each other.

4. Don’t withhold affection.

Two becoming one involves a healthy sex life. An unhealthy one causes great damage; and satan works greatly in this area (1 Cor.7:5). It is God’s holy will that we experience true love through marital intimacy, and that requires a proper view of sex. However, we should never violate our mate’s conscience when it comes to sexual intimacy. There needs to be agreement on what our values are in this area. There’s much to talk about regarding this topic, but suffice it to say that sex within marriage is God’s will; and sex outside of marriage is a breach of our covenant with our mate and with Him.

What foundation is your marriage built on? What areas do you need to address and change? Remember, it takes courage to build your marriage on a godly foundation.

We love hearing from you! If this blog has blessed you, please leave a comment below and let us know.…

Your marriage wins with a good coach!

July 22, 2023 Michele Anastasi

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Marriage, Success & victory

We recently added Marriage Coaching to the services we offer at our Breaking Free Wellness Center. When I (Michele) received my certification as a Life Coach in November 2020, we realized life coaching is a perfect tool to assist people in learning how to live well, especially in marriage.

Of course, there’s nothing better than inner healing prayer and counseling. Why? It helps couples break free from past hurts and negative behaviors they brought into the marriage.

Miracles happen every day

We see miracles every day! Couples come in on the verge of divorce. Then, after receiving Stop Hurting Start Healing prayer and counseling, their hearts amazingly soften and change. Husband and wife develop a renewed desire to forgive each other and work at their marriage. It’s at this point that marriage coaching becomes so beneficial!

I (Gaspar) am also excited about the marriage coaching program we’re now offering. It’s the next step and follow-up for a couple who have gone through Stop Hurting Start Healing. In our sessions, Michele and I diagnose the couple’s problems, pray for inner healing, counsel them and prescribe solutions.

Coaching facilitates conversations between couples and teaches them useful skills.

Breaking Free Wellness Center ad — God is the Healer. Think of our amazing Counselors as His little helpers. Call (239)244-3912 or visit our website.

Go “all in”

Coaching facilitates conversations between couples and teaches them useful skills. That way, husbands and wives can use those learned skills outside of the coaching sessions to develop their own solutions. However, marriage coaching serves only couples who want to grow and change. These are husbands and wives who are willing to work the process together in order to accomplish something they both want.

The couple doesn’t have to come to the coaching session knowing exactly what changes they want to make. As coaches, we help them to clarify how they want to grow by asking insightful questions that can draw out their thoughts, feelings and desires. We then take them through exercises that help them communicate to each other what they want.

Make no mistake, God indeed has a plan for you and your marriage. Let’s discover it together!

“We” wins

In time, couples start to focus on the “we” in their relationship. That’s one of the most important things that marriage coaching accomplishes. Husbands and wives emerge, no longer as two individuals just living for self. They become a team embarking on a journey to fulfill the purpose God has for them as a couple. And, make no mistake, God indeed has a plan for you and your marriage. Let’s discover it together! Sometimes winning takes a good coach.

If you are interested in getting coached personally or as a couple, please visit the Breaking Free Wellness Center website or call 239.244.3912. Feel free to share your thoughts below.

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