One of the many important topics we’ve discussed in our Sacred Marriage class is “marriage disciplines” or “marriage priorities” that will help strengthen and grow your relationship. One of those priorities is having a regular date night.
I’m sure you’ve heard many times that date nights are important and valuable in marriage. Yet, you probably still don’t have one, right? We asked the couples in our class “Why?” Many said they were just “too busy to fit one more thing in” their schedule. When delving a little deeper, we saw that the couples were prioritizing their jobs, their children, church activities and just about everything else above their marriage!
When a couple is over-committed and under-connected, they begin to live their marriage in stress mode.
Schedule your priorities
Are you living with too many “attractive distractions” and “confused priorities”? The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule—but to schedule your priorities. When a couple is over-committed and under-connected, they begin to live their marriage in stress mode. This is not what God had in mind when he created marriage. So we gave the couples in Sacred Marriage an exercise to do. Why not try it yourself?
First, list in order the 5 top priorities in your life, things that take up most of your time.
Now re-order your list in a way that would honor your commitment to God in your marriage. Just a little hint: God should be number one, and your spouse should be number two.
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Make a meaningful connection
The benefits you’ll receive from spending “couple time” together will far outweigh the benefits you receive from your over-scheduled calendar and taking each other for granted. Statistics show that couples who don’t have at least one mutually meaningful connection a week are at greater risk for divorce.
The benefits you’ll receive from spending “couple time” together will far outweigh those from your over-scheduled calendar…
Having a regular date night helps build communication. It gives you the opportunity to stay current with each other’s lives and continue to grow together. It’s the perfect chance to relax and take a break from the daily grind—a time to draw closer together and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Here’s an advantage you may not have thought of. Going on dates is a great role model for your kids! It teaches them that the husband-and-wife relationship is important and separate from them. It was there before they were born and will be there long after they leave home to start their own lives. What an amazing gift to give your children!
It’s not the what but the why
Planning a date night doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s spending the time together that counts. And these mate dates don’t necessarily have to involve going out. We know that couples raising young children don’t always have a reliable sitter or finances. So get creative. One idea may be to put the children to bed and get your favorite take-out delivered. Light some candles, put on romantic music and simply enjoy each other’s company.
If you’re able to go out, make a list of fun activities you’d both enjoy. Maybe a picnic at the park, a concert, a flea market, browsing a bookstore, taking a day trip… (It’s important that you both contribute to the list). Now this is the fun part: Each of you, take turns choosing from the list and plan the date to surprise your partner.
So give it a try. Set up some weekly date nights with your spouse, get creative and most importantly: Enjoy!
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Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if they lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one stay warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. —Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Making marriage out of mess
Do you know that God has a plan and purpose to use you and your spouse together? That He designed a purpose specifically for your marriage? If you have your doubts, just look back to the very first couple in the garden.
God created man and woman in His image to represent Him on the earth. They were the crowning jewel of His creation. His purpose for them together was to fill the earth and subdue it. God has not altered His plan since then. God’s purpose for the first couple lives on in you and your spouse.
When I first heard a teaching on this many years ago, I quickly dismissed it. Maybe this applied to my pastor and his wife… or the elders and their wives… but for Gaspar and me? No way. How could God possibly have a purpose for our marriage? There were times when we thought our marriage wouldn’t even make it. With all the trials we’d been through—selfishly separating, each fighting to get our own way—we brought new meaning to the phrase “God will bring ministry out of your mess.” He sure did.
So think again. God does have a plan and purpose for every marriage, including yours. I remember saying, “Ok, Lord, here we are; we’re available. Lead the way.” And lo and behold, to our amazement, He did!
An unstoppable force
God created you and your spouse for a work that only the two of you can accomplish together. He foreknew all your differences and carefully put them together so you would compliment each other. Then He blended together all those qualities for His planned purpose. Why? Because together you can accomplish more and greater things than either of you could on your own. Together you’re a powerful force. And, with God, you’re unstoppable.
Together you’re a powerful force and, with God, you’re unstoppable.
Probably your next questions are: “Where do we start? How do we know the purpose God has for us?” To start, the best way any Christian couple can serve God is to glorify Him in their marriage.
Married couples possess the power to create what many people hunger for: Family and Belonging. We live in such a fractured world. Many people live and work hundreds of miles from their nearest relatives. Families crack and break apart. People are lonely and isolated and, inside, are longing for a place to belong. They long for family.
Call today for marriage counseling or coaching in person or via Zoom: 239.244.3912 or visit BreakingFreeCC.com
A healthy relationship builds hope
Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families.” Often, as married couples, we can become “family” for those without one.
Many people today don’t even know what a healthy marriage looks like. They’ve seen so many fractured relationships and divorces, they’ve lost hope that any marriage can last. Married Christians have an incredible opportunity to model what Christ designed marriage to be. That may not sound like a “ministry,” since you aren’t actually “doing” something other than being yourselves. But in our society, simply staying together and working at your marriage sends a powerful message.
And you don’t have to be perfect to do that. When people see that you and your spouse love and respect each other they take notice. You can provide hope for those who have lost hope for a healthy relationship.
Regardless of the ministry God leads you and your spouse to fulfill, together you can draw strength from each other. As a couple, you have instant access to another person’s skills. If you remember, Jesus always sent His disciples out in teams of two.When two people work together, they protect each other, encourage and support one another, share the workload, offset each other’s weaknesses and draw on each other’s strengths.
When two people work together, they… offset each other’s weaknesses and draw on each other’s strengths.
Blended callings
Today, Jesus sends out couples just like He sent out His disciples—in pairs. Why? Because there’s power in pairs.
Christians often think of serving God individually. But think how much your ministry and marriage can be strengthened if you could blend both your callings! God has called you to serve Him and He has called you to be married. Those two callings—not only can go together, they—should go together. When they do, you’ll have a stronger Christian walk and a stronger Christian marriage.
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We’re often asked “What is the key to a happy marriage?” There are many, but if we had to choose one, it would be good communication. I would say that 90% of the couples who join our Sacred Marriage class ask if we’re going to discuss communication. Communication seems to be an area where couples struggle.
Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation!
Can you believe that, according to statistics, most married couples spend as little as 5 minutes a day in meaningful conversation! If that’s anywhere near true, no wonder marriages are struggling!
As a mother of 3 boys (now all grown men), I’ve observed that most men see communication as a by-product of a shared activity. Whereas, women see communication as the main event. I know this may sound simplistic, but I promise you we’ve witnessed this stark contrast in numerous couples.
The way forward
The way to begin rebuilding your communication is to start doing things together. For instance, Gaspar and I are big proponents of a weekly date night. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.
Just think back to your courting days. Your best conversations probably happened during dates where you were doing things together. Your communication grew out of shared activities. What things did you enjoy?
Make time for those activities again. Find something new you’d both like to do or take turns planning. What matters most is that you’re together.
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Never stop talking
Unfortunately, when the everyday stresses of life and marriage hit us, the very first thing to go is time together. We stop talking. We stop sharing. We stop being each other’s friend and having fun together—enjoying “you and me” time. After all, laughter, is the best medicine.
Of course, more serious conversations must take place, and there will be time for that. But for the moment, enter into a rebuilding process. Reconnect and open up to each other. Remove walls that you have built. Restore trust that you have lost.
Learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs are a big part of being married.
Learn each other
Probably no one ever told you this, but… A big part of marriage is learning about one another and discovering how to meet each other’s needs. Marriage requires learning your husband/wife’s likes and dislikes. And that never ends, no matter how many years you’re married. That’s because we are ever changing and growing—or at least we should be. Not one of us wants to wake up one day and find ourselves married to a stranger.
Question for today: What can you do to become a more effective communicator with your spouse?
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After a few years of marriage, Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits! We went to a counselor who told us we were the two most incompatible people he had ever met, and we had two choices: Either divorce, or stay together and make each other miserable for the rest of our lives. Wow! And we paid good money for that advice!
In February, Gaspar and I will be married 57 years—no divorce. And, yes, we make each other miserable at times. Most couples do. I think that’s why we have such a heart for marriages and have always made ministry to couples a big part of the church.
What is God’s opinion?
In over 40 years of ministry, we’ve had the opportunity to counsel many married couples, newlyweds, oldie-weds and everything in between. Unfortunately, like Gaspar and I, couples don’t usually come for counsel until they’ve just about given up on their marriage.
Every time we talk with a couple on the verge of divorce, I can’t help but think… One day these two were madly in love with each other. They couldn’t wait to say, “I do.” And now they can hardly stand being in the same room.When couples reach the conclusion that they should have never married… It was a mistake… They need to just end it… that’s when I want to blow a whistle and say, “Time-out guys! Who said it’s a mistake?” Your feelings? Your best friend who thinks your husband’s a jerk? Or his mother who thinks you’re a terrible wife? Where’s my whistle!
A lie many couples buy into is: “If I’m unhappy and suffering, I obviously married the wrong person.”
Okay, before you pack your bags and call the attorney, let me ask you a question: “Does God think your marriage is a big mistake?” Usually one or the other will say, “I don’t know, but I’m sure a loving God doesn’t want us to stay in this painful, miserable marriage.” I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard various versions of that response.
I agree, God doesn’t enjoy seeing His children suffer. He hurts when we hurt, but that doesn’t mean He believes your marriage is a mistake. It means you’re unhappy (very unhappy) and you “feel” like your marriage is a mistake. One lie many couples have bought into is: “If I’m unhappy and suffering, I obviously married the wrong person.”
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A higher plan maybe?
Sometimes I’ll ask the wife, “Did you suffer during childbirth?” The answer is obvious. To her husband: “Were you in the delivery room?” Most husband’s are nowadays. And most men admit they’ve never seen such tremendous pain and suffering.
“Can you both agree the suffering was worth the end result?” If you can accept that, then just maybe the pain you’re in right now isn’t proof that you married the wrong person. The pain is telling you that something is wrong and needs to be addressed in your marriage. That’s different from saying your marriage is a mistake.
C.S. Lewis said (and I paraphrase): “Pain is God’s megaphone. It gets our attention.” God may be using this difficult time to change and mature you. You may not realize it, but just maybe God has a higher plan, an unseen purpose for your marriage. And that’s why the enemy is trying so hard to destroy it.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
C.S. Lewis
When Gaspar and I were ready to call it quits because we were the two most incompatible people ever, little did we know that God had a bigger plan! About five years later Gaspar was ordained, and Word of Life Ministries was born. Just a couple of years after that, the New Life Dream Centers were started. So many lives touched and changed! Was it worth the suffering and pain of our early years? Most definitely.
End of self, beginning of God
If you’re willing to take a step of faith and believe that God is bigger than your current problems, you may discover that He has so much more for you together. What seems like a big mistake may turn out to be a part of His master plan.
We were the two most incompatible people ever. Little did we know that God had a bigger plan!
We usually ask couples to give us 6-8 weeks to pray and counsel with them. In cases where there’s been physical threats or abuse, separation is necessary—and much deeper counseling. Even when there is no abuse, some couples may benefit from a short period of separation for emotions to calm down, to stop arguing and saying things that make matters worse.
Fighting for your marriage may be the hardest thing you ever do. At some point you’ll probably feel like you can’t do it. When you come to the end of yourself you can come to the beginning of God. In Him all things in this world are held together. Let Him hold you and your marriage together.
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Last week in Part 1, I told my story of rejection. If you didn’t already, read it here.
God is the only one Who can heal a wounded heart. Scripture tells us that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. So why was I still so wounded and broken if I had Jesus in my life?
Forty years ago, emotional healing was rarely spoken of. Somehow, I came across a book by John and Paula Sandford, pioneers on the subject of inner healing. Being the mess I was, it spoke to my heart. And Gaspar and I started our quest to learn more.
Thus began our prayer counseling ministry—which more than 3 decades later has grown into Breaking Free Wellness Center. It’s my number one solution for rejection and other emotional healing. To have a trained prayer minister guide you through painful issues from the past is invaluable. Often the journey takes you along such dark, dismal paths that—without help—many of us would give up.
When people reject you, without realizing it, you feel betrayed by God. “Where was He in my pain?” you ask. Of course, Satan uses that opportunity to plant seeds of deception in your heart about yourself, about others and especially about God.
Expose inner vows
Growing up with an abusive mom, I believed I was bad. I couldn’t be any good for her to treat me the way she did. I thought God must not love me either to let me hurt like this. As a child, I remember thinking When I grow up, no one is ever going to hurt me or tell me what to do again. I had no idea I was making a vow that would profoundly affect my life.
You may not even realize that you’ve made vows. But think back to all the times you said, “I’ll never do this…” or “I’ll never do that….” We make vows because we think we can protect ourselves from future hurt. In actuality, these inner vows harden our hearts to the point that we can never fully give or receive love. Can you relate to this?
Ungodly beliefs are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God.
Maybe it wasn’t a parent who hurt you. It could have been a failed marriage—and you vowed you’d never trust again, marry again or let anyone get close to you. As a teen, you might have been betrayed by a group of girls and vowed never to trust females.
Lies are always at the root of such inner vows, forming ungodly beliefs. Every one of us holds some beliefs that aren’t true. When these beliefs are contrary to God’s Truth, we call them “ungodly beliefs.” They are lies we believe about ourselves, others and God. They affect our entire lives: every relationship we have; every decision we make; how we act and react; our very destiny.
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Reject the lies
Hurt, rejection, negative experiences and trauma create ungodly beliefs in us. The child whose father walks out on his family can grow up believing I’m not important or dad wouldn’t have left… People will always fail me.
Being made fun of, called names by siblings or peers, being criticized by a teacher or authority figure—all these can form the ungodly beliefs: No one will ever want me…I’m fat, I’m stupid…I’ll never amount to anything. These ungodly beliefs follow us right into adulthood and become assignments against us.
In the healing process, it’s very important to renounce these lies and break agreement with them. By believing lies, you forge an alliance with the enemy, giving him easy access to your life.
Start by forgiving
After renouncing Satan’s lies, it’s even more important to agree with what God says about you.
Start by forgiving those who contributed to forming the ungodly belief in you.
Ask God to forgive you for believing a lie and for judging those who hurt you. Pray and break the power of the lies from your life.
Find scripture that speaks Truth to these areas. This is the last and most important step to forgiving. Read those verses daily. Meditate on them. Memorize them until your mind becomes renewed with the Truth. Stick with it. Renewing your mind takes time.
Often, that’s why people don’t maintain their healing. Getting prayer is just one part of it. The most important part is renewing our mind with God’s Word.
Get to know the Healer
The next strategy is to develop intimacy with the Lord. I can hear you saying, “Yeah, I know that already.” But really spend time in His Word the Bible daily. Hear what He has to say to you through His word. Then pray, bringing Him your needs. Jealously guard this devotional time. Otherwise, other things will take its place.
Attend a good Bible-believing church where you can receive strength and support for your journey. Find a place where the uncompromised Word of God is taught.
Spend time in the Bible daily. Hear what God has to say through His word. Then bring Him your needs.
Identify with the cross
Let me explain what I mean by identifying with the cross. Often we have a very limited concept of the cross. We know that Jesus died on the cross for our sin. He took our place and, when we accept Him as our Savior and Lord, when we die we go to Heaven. Yes, that’s true, but it doesn’t end there. That’s only one aspect of the cross. To identify with the cross, everything about the old me can and should die there. The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.
When Jesus hung on the cross He said, “It is finished.” It’s at the cross that all the power Satan had over us is broken. When you take what you’re still struggling with to the cross, it will be finished in your life too. Keep in mind that when you bring something to the cross, everything isn’t automatically fixed.
The cross wasn’t just for Jesus. It is where we go daily to execute whatever needs to die in our lives.
Let’s say you fly into a rage, start throwing things and kick over the trash can. All of a sudden you catch yourself and run to the cross. “Lord, help me. Forgive me for this anger. Cleanse me.” God says, “Of course you’re forgiven.” What a relief! But guess what? There’s still garbage and broken stuff all over the place. Who has to clean it up? You do! But God gives you the grace and the strength to do it. One by one you pick up the pieces. It’s all a part of identifying with the cross. It’s finished the moment you take it there. The rest is clean-up.
You have to take it there and let it die. Often, that’s where we get discouraged because we think it isn’t working. Satan is whispering in your ear, “I’m back. You’re not free. This doesn’t work.” He wants to scare you into giving up.
Stop looking at the junk and look at Jesus! He set you free to live that way forever. Not just free from sin, but free from rejection, a wounded spirit, depression, self-hatred, anger—and the list goes on and on. Galatians 5:1 tells us: “Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “
“Therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. “
Galatians 5:1
So when Satan brings back those old feelings of rejection, pain, or bad memories, tell him where to go. Say, “Shut up, in Jesus’ name. You’re a liar! I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Rejection doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. It’s nailed to the cross, and it died there.” Remember, healing is yours. Christ set you free. Keep standing firm!
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Rejection is one of the most painful wounds you could ever receive. Not only does it damage your self-image and confidence, but rejection wounds your soul and spirit like nothing else can. Because God is Love, rejection is one of Satan’s weapons of choice. He works very hard using whatever and whomever he can to make us feel unloved and worthless.
Born unwanted
In my own life, seeds of rejection budded in me while still in my mother’s womb. As my tiny fingers and toes formed, so did the knowledge that I was unwanted. That might seem strange, but our spirit is fully formed at conception and can pick up on our mother’s feelings. Even medical science has proven that infants in utero are aware of and react to external stimuli.
In the 1940’s, many women who conceived out of wedlock used homemade remedies to try to abort unwanted pregnancy. Thankfully for me, none of those remedies did away with my physical existence. To add to my mother’s fear, doctors had warned her that giving birth could kill her because of a severe heart condition she had since childhood. I heard this sad story constantly growing up—reinforcing the fact that I was a mistake.
In my childhood and teen years, I endured physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother. She too grew up in an abusive home. All this turned me into one rejected mess! It was etched onto my soul that I was unwanted, had no value, and shouldn’t even exist.
Rebellion takes hold
As it often does, rejection turned into rebellion. A hardness began to grow inside me. I remember lying in bed as a child and vowing that I would never let anyone hurt me again. Subconsciously I said, “No more” and put on a defensive front for self-protection.
When I came to Christ in my twenties, I brought all that ugly baggage. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).
I loved God. I knew if I died I’d go to heaven, but I couldn’t get victory over the anger, rage, and rejection that controlled me. Yes, I let Christ touch and heal some areas. But in areas where I was most wounded, I remained unchanged. Healing takes time and commitment. It’s a process. After all these years, God is still working in me, still healing me.
When I came to Christ, I brought all that ugly baggage with me. Instead of surrendering it to the Lord, I thought it was up to me to fix myself (as if I ever could).
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God is still working
I shared all that because most people don’t like to admit that they deal with rejection. They’ve spent much of their lives trying to cover it up with all kinds of defense mechanisms. You might be thinking, I’m ok. This isn’t for me. Trust me, God isn’t finished with you either. We all need more healing.
If you carry hurt or offense; if you get defensive at times; if anger sometimes rises up from nowhere; if you blame-shift or gossip even once in a while—guess what? You need more healing. Emotional healing is key to our spiritual growth. It’s key to breaking free and living well. You can’t mature spiritually while wounded emotionally.
You can’t mature spiritually if you are wounded emotionally.
His plan is perfect
In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents.
The way I grew up—and maybe you too—was the exact opposite of what God planned for us. In God’s perfect world, all children would be raised and nurtured by godly parents. Our earthly father would be a reflection of God Himself: loving, caring, protecting. In this ideal world, our parents would lead us into a personal relationship with Christ, teach us the Word, take us to church and live godly lives before us. That was God’s perfect plan.
Sadly, sin entered that beautiful picture and perverted everything. Parents are more likely to pass on to their children the same brokenness and dysfunction in which they were raised. You can’t give what you don’t receive. Satan is a very real enemy, and he wants to destroy you any way he can. The younger the victim, the better he likes it.
When we don’t receive unconditional love and nurturing but get the exact opposite—abuse, criticism, anger, sarcasm, rejection—these things sink their roots deep into our souls. When you hear daily: “You always mess up… You can’t do anything right… You’re stupid… clumsy… ugly…(you fill in the blank)”—hear it enough and you begin to believe it. Inferiority, self-hatred, fear, and depression set in.
Rejection causes you to live life by your feelings. Your emotions control you. You make wrong choices to accommodate your fears and insecurities, and life keeps getting worse.
Your Father yearns to fill up all of your empty, broken places. He longs to make you whole.
It’s time you win
Know this: God has healing for you! Not only does He want to heal you, the Lord wants to be that perfect, loving Daddy to you. He desires to love you with a pure, healthy love. He yearns to fill up all of the empty, broken places inside of you. The Father longs to make you whole.
You may still carry pain from things you experienced many years ago. Satan was the one in control of those bad situations or people who hurt you. I think it’s time to take back what’s been stolen! Don’t you? It’s time you and I win! That’s what we’ll talk about next week: Solutions and strategies in the healing process.
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