I am a better pastor because of my marriage. As discussed in past blogs, we tend to marry our opposite. Michele and I are so different that, early in our marriage, we both thought we had missed God and married the wrong person. In fact, the reverse was true. We couldn’t have known it then but, looking back, both she and I see how we have grown in the Lord by staying together. Our marriage has made us better people. 

Our marriage has made us better people. 

Lessons learned

I would have never been the kind of pastor I am today if I hadn’t learned to be patient and understanding with my wife. I learned empathy by putting myself in her place and seeking to understand her needs. Marriage made me a good listener, helped me give good, godly counsel and show compassion. 

It didn’t look like it at first, but God had a destiny for us individually and as a team. We were pushed into our destiny. Because we were so very different, we each needed to change just to make our marriage successful and pleasing to God. 

So be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny as a couple. Left to yourself, shifting your personality and outlook on life would never happen. You would be stuck in a prison seeing yourself, your mate, and life itself through your own limited understanding. 

Pushing is necessary. We get pushed into making right choices; pushed into surrounding ourselves with right people; and pushed into letting go of the wrong people (those no longer called to walk with us into our destiny). 

Be encouraged. The thing you are struggling with today could very well be God pushing you into your destiny.

God’s creativity at work

Marriage is unique because It provides an atmosphere for God’s designs and plans to be accomplished in both your and your mate’s lives. Because of Michele’s and my differences, I recognized the value of reflecting and developing patience. For example, we were very dissimilar when it came to walking by faith and not by sight. Once I believe God is in something, I go for it immediately. Michele, on the other hand, is willing to wait as long as it takes for it to come to pass. 

We learned that sometimes she was right, and sometimes I was right. We got pushed into trusting God more and more. Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding”. I have been pushed into trusting the Lord so much more than I ever have. Remember God is your designer and He will push you throughout life to have you conformed to the destiny he has planned for you from the beginning of time. 

For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].

Ephesians 2:10, AMP

Ephesians. 2:10 says “We are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Instead of getting angry and bitter because you’re being forced to change because of your mate’s differences, thank the Lord for using those moments to push you into your God-given destiny.

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Every day that God blesses you to be married is a gift. But if you are always looking back on yesterday’s failures, how can you fully enjoy this wonderful gift of God? Failure is not the biggest problem we face in life, but not understanding why we failed is. Not knowing will keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over, which leads to boredom and stagnation.

The great news is that your marriage has a purpose! But if you’re both going around and around like a ferris wheel, you’re not growing and fulfilling the purpose for which God brought you together. If you’re just going through the motions and the fire you once had has gone out, you’re not alone. But don’t worry or give up. Let’s talk about how to restart the fire and feel fulfilled again. 

God didn’t make a mistake

Start by recognizing that God didn’t make a mistake by putting the two of you together. He knew that you were a world apart, and yet He brought you into each other’s lives by design. Accept your mate’s differences instead of trying to change them into a little version of you. That is a major first step in re-lighting the fire in your marriage. 

In our early years of marriage, I tried to make Michele more like me—and she did the same thing. That didn’t work out so well. In fact, our efforts brought us to the brink of divorce. Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one. You need what your spouse has, and it’s something you could never attain alone. 

Seeing your differences as a plus and not a minus, a blessing and not a curse, will revolutionize the way you look at your marriage. Just think: You never could have fulfilled God’s ultimate purpose for your life alone. You need your marriage partner, and he or she needs you. That revelation alone should radically change your view of your mate from one of resentment or annoyance to great appreciation and thankfulness. 

God designed us so that we need someone different from ourselves or even completely opposite. Every day you both have an opportunity to fulfill God’s purpose: To change and be more Christ-like. You can thank your mate’s differences for helping you accomplish that. 

Eventually, we were filled with the Holy Spirit, and He revealed that it takes two to become one.

Celebrate God’s gift

Instead of rejecting your better half and complaining about how much trouble they cause you, celebrate them by expressing your love to them and thanksgiving for them. No matter what they do or don’t do, focus on the fact that God designed them as a gift specially you. 

So what! You’ve made mistakes along the way. Like I said, failing doesn’t make you a failure. The strongest, most successful couples you know experience moments of failure in marriage. Giving up is simply not an option, especially because we have Jesus living in us and the Holy Spirit empowering us to see our marriages correctly. 

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God.

Choose to see your mate through the eyes of God. That might just cause you to repent and ask their forgiveness for the way you have treated them and taken him or her for granted. Remember, your marriage partner is your best asset to fulfill God’s plans and purposes for your life—something you couldn’t have done yourself. 

So stop looking back and letting the devil tell you that your marriage was a mistake and your life is ruined because of it. Close the door on satan, and open the doorway of your mind to God. Now take hold of the precious gift God has given you, and love them with all your heart.

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A while back, I wrote a blog Understanding God’s plan for you and another called Kick off a successful partnership. Both talk about getting a vision and setting goals for a healthy marriage. So I ask: Have you started working on couple’s goals for this year? We’re already into May, but I always feel like God has our attention at the beginning of a new year, getting us prepared for the season ahead. 2023 presents a fresh opportunity to let go of some things and add others.

How we got started

Gaspar and I have been setting annual marriage goals for many years now. After our first year in ministry, we decided to set goals for the church. We made a five-year plan for every ministry, and God supernaturally accomplished it all—in two years instead of five. That’s what sold us on casting a vision, and we began applying the same principles to our personal lives.

Because goal-setting is a yearly event we both look forward to, it’s already on our calendars in December. We each take time in the weeks leading up to our planning date to consider some personal goals we want to put into our schedule.

Decisions, decisions

Marriage consists of so many decisions: Where do we invest our time? What needs immediate attention? Where should we spend our money? Once the two of you have set goals, decision-making becomes so much easier and keeps you both on the same page. Simply ask yourself, “Will this choice further our goals or hinder them?” 

Once you have set goals, decision-making becomes much easier and it keeps you on the same page.

Before you even begin setting goals, take some time to talk about how you’d like the rest of the year to go. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on? Discuss: 

• how things went over the past year
• what worked well, what didn’t
• were there any problem areas?

We use our list of goals from the previous year to see what we’ve accomplished and what went by the wayside.

Set a time that’s good for both of you. If this is the first time you’re setting goals together, it may take more than one session. Get a notebook/paper, a calendar and decide what areas for which you want to set goals. Some of our top areas are: spiritual/ personal relationship with God, physical goals, classes we’re taking. We set these goals individually, and then we share them with each other. 

Setting marriage goals

Marriage is always the first area we discuss. We communicate a lot in this area, since its ministry we share. So basically we just set goals for things we want to do and accomplish. Some of the goals we’ve set over the years were: 

• Read a marriage book together. 
• Schedule a weekly date night. 
• Have at least a 15-minute daily debrief sharing how our day went. 
• Work on a project together. 
• Read a couple’s devotional each morning. 
• Schedule a get-away.

Setting family goals

Our goal-setting in this area of family is a lot different now that we’re empty-nesters. It’s more about planning for family get-togethers, outings, birthdays, holidays. When the children were younger we set goals for family vacations, having a weekly fun night. Goals included teaching our teenagers various skills like how to change a tire, write a check, prepare a meal, etc.

Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

Well, I think you’ve got the idea. We may all have different couple goals, but the important thing is to have some. They give you a track to run on. And, if you stick with it, you’ll be thrilled with the results of having a check-up every month or two. Any little accomplishment you make is progress.

One other thing. After you set your goals, be sure to bring them before the Lord and commit this year to Him. Be open throughout the year in case God wants to change your plans. Make His will for your life and marriage your number one goal.

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